Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! Thanos Kalamidas Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! Thanos Kalamidas Ovi ebooks are available in Ovi/Ovi eBookshelves pages and they are for free. If somebody tries to sell you an Ovi book please contact us immediately. For details, contact: ovimagazine@yahoo.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the writer or the above publisher of this book An Ovi eBooks Publication 2025 Ovi eBookPublications - All material is copyright of the Ovi eBooks Publications & the writer C Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! Thanos Kalamidas Thanos Kalamidas An Ovi eBooks Publication 2025 Ovi eBookPublications - All material is copyright of the Ovi eBooks Publications & the writer C Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! I t was a humid Tuesday, the kind of day where deodorant weeps and pigeons look fed up. Some- where in the backstreets of Swindon, a man in a banana-yellow trench coat was duct-taping a toaster to a fax machine. “That’s not how bombs work,” muttered Penelope Brigg, ex-bomb squad officer turned self-employed lunchbox designer, watching him through mirrored sunglasses she didn’t need indoors. “You say ‘bomb,’ I say ‘improvised enthusiasm de- vice,’” replied Garth Biggleton, bounty hunter, alleged ex-pantomime horse rear end, and the kind of man who still used the phrase ‘coinkydink’ without irony. Thanos Kalamidas Penelope folded her arms, casually revealing a scar shaped like Belgium on her left forearm. “You called me here for what, exactly?” “To help me defuse this bad boy,” he said, patting the toaster. It dinged ominously. “You want me to stop your kitchen appliance from exploding?” “I call it The Brunch Buster. A guy in Cheltenham put a bounty on his brother for allegedly stealing his lemon drizzle recipe. I tracked him down to a pottery class, tackled him into a kiln, and then this ” he point- ed at the device, which was now humming “started counting down.” “Did you, and I say this with the fullness of sar- casm, bring the bomb with you ?” “Couldn’t leave it with the potters. They were doing a naked calendar shoot.” Penelope sighed the way only women who’ve dis- armed thirty-seven bombs and three in-laws can. “Fine. But if this thing blows, I swear I’m haunting you with a slide whistle.” Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! * * * * * Garth’s flat was everything you expected from a man who referred to IKEA instructions as “person- ally offensive.” There were sixteen lava lamps, three chairs made of yoga balls, and a motivational poster that read: “Shoot for the moon. If you miss, it’s prob- ably because you didn’t do your breathing exercises.” The bomb was now beeping. “Why is it in a bread bin?” Penelope asked, arming herself with tweezers and a sarcastic eyebrow. “For stealth. You’d never expect death from some- thing associated with a nice bap.” “Have you ever had a normal Tuesday?” Garth looked genuinely wounded. “I once went on a speed-dating night that didn’t end in fire.” “Impressive.” “I set it on fire. But only a little. And mostly my own trousers.” Penelope began work, pulling wires, sniffing suspi- cious fuses, and muttering about the good old days when bombs came with instructions and moral clar- Thanos Kalamidas ity. Meanwhile, Garth paced like a man waiting for a bus and a sign from the heavens, preferably both at once. “Penny,” he said, with the tone of a man gearing up to say something incredibly stupid. “Do you think maybe... after we don’t die... we could get a drink?” She paused. “Is this your version of a romantic ges- ture?” “Well, yeah. Nothing says ‘kiss me’ like shared trau- ma and the risk of eyebrow loss.” “I once dated a man who tried to propose with a grenade pin. Do better.” “Okay, okay. What if I make you dinner?” “Does it involve flammable cheese?” “Only a little.” “Sold.” * * * * * Penelope yanked out a final wire, the toaster stopped humming, and they both exhaled with the Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! relief of people who just avoided death and, crucially, having to call Garth’s landlord. But then the bread bin whirred “Why is it still moving?” she hissed. “Because... that’s not the bomb,” Garth admitted, backing toward the lava lamp with the guilt of a man who’d just realised he left the real problem in the boot of his car. “That’s my Bluetooth speaker.” Penelope froze. “You mean I’ve been snipping wires off a music device for ten minutes while the ac- tual bomb is somewhere else ?!” “Well I did think it was suspicious that it was play- ing Phil Collins.” Cue car horn outside. “That’s Barry,” said Garth, running to the window. “The guy whose brother’s birthday is today. He said something about ‘boom or bust.’” Penelope sprinted downstairs, Garth following, toaster under one arm, Bluetooth speaker under the other. * * * * * Thanos Kalamidas They burst into the street. Barry, a man shaped like a boulder and dressed like an off-brand ninja turtle, stood next to a Volvo humming ominously. “She’s gonna blow!” he yelled. “My brother put marzipan in the lemon drizzle!” Penelope flung herself into the boot, tore open the picnic hamper, and screamed, “It’s not a bomb, it’s a cakemaker set on high!” A moment passed. A ding. The lid popped open. Out came... a perfectly intact, slightly overcooked lemon drizzle. Silence. Then Garth whispered, awed: “That’s got a lovely crust .” Penelope stared. “We almost died... for cake ?” Barry shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time. We once had a Battenberg incident in Milton Keynes.” Garth offered her a slice. She took it. Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! * * * * * Later, as they sat on a bench watching a duck ag- gressively court a loaf of bread, Garth leaned over and said: “You know, Penny, life’s like a bomb.” “Oh dear God, please don’t.” “No really... if you cut the wrong wire, it all goes boom. But if you do it right, sometimes you get cake.” Penelope looked at him. Then she kissed him. And just as their lips touched, the Bluetooth speak- er in the bread bin came to life and loudly played “Against All Odds.” THE END. Thanos Kalamidas Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! Thanos Kalamidas Ovi eBook Publishing 2025 Ovi magazine Design: Thanos Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! Ovi ebooks are available in Ovi/Ovi eBookshelves pages and they are for free. If somebody tries to sell you an Ovi book please contact us immediately. For details, contact: ovimagazine@yahoo.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the writer or the above publisher of this book An Ovi eBooks Publication 2025 Ovi eBookPublications - All material is copyright of the Ovi eBooks Publications & the writer C Thanos Kalamidas Thanos Kalamidas Tick, Tick... Boom, Darling! Thanos Kalamidas , a multipublished writer, cartoonist and illustrator; born and grew up in a picturesque neighbourhood on the moun- tainside of Hymettus in Athens, Greece. Then his life took him to Berlin, Germany and to London, UK for studies. After a brief stay in Yorkshire he moved his life to Paris, France while working in Tokyo, Japan and in Cape Town, South Africa. In the last 25 years he became a permanent Scandinavian resident and recently, in his glorious sixth de- cade, he moved to a scenic village in the Växjö area.