DV – KS2020 There has been much talk about the rise of domestic violence cases during the COVID-19 Lockdown. When some people hear the news, they sometimes ponder ‘If things were so bad, why didn’t they leave?’ Unfortunately, as a survivor myself, I am well aware of the reasons behind this somewhat illogical behaviour and wish to give some insight into this so that maybe others can potentially gain a better understanding the impact of lockdown on those in volatile relationships. Domestic violence appears in many forms within relationships. People often imagine that those in imbalanced relationships always experience physical abuse. However, this is not the case. Some will experience emotional/psychological abuse, which can take the form of using demeaning language, controlling and coercive behaviour and isolation from relatives and friends. Others will experience sexual abuse, such as rape or coercion into performing acts that they are uncomfortable with. Others will experience financial abuse, which can entail involve restriction to freely accessing and using their money in ways that they would wish to. However, it is important to realise that most cases of DV experience a mixture of these, rather than being solely based on physical altercations. When we hear of such behaviour, we often are horrified and are perplexed about why victims don’t leave earlier, why don’t they call the police or their friends or family in times of need? However, the reasons behind such seemingly illogical behaviour are not only complex but also unique to the circumstances of each person in these relationships. Isolation from the support network can be a significant factor in reluctance to leave abuse. Whilst this can be achieved through physically moving away from an area of potential safety, other tactics are often used by the abuser to secure further control over their partner. Abusers may present as being uncomfortable or become suspicious when their chosen victim is going out with friends or family members. In these situations, victims may start to feel that in order to reduce the abuse they receive they may start to withdraw from social situations. They may also use ‘poisoning’ to achieve this goal, in which they either spread rumours to the victim about their social connections or in some cases, use this behaviour on the social contacts of individual concerned. The aim of this coerced isolation is not only to exert control over the victim, but also to strip them of their self worth. This strategy is extremely effective as the isolation enforces a sense of loneliness and encourages dependence on their perverse caregiver. In addition to this, the impact of financial and housing instability can also encourage the victim to stay in an adverse relationship. This is further augmented if dependents are involved. Leaving shelter without anywhere permanent to go to either due to lack of access to a refuge, limited access to family or the finances to support such a drastic change in circumstance. Victims will sometimes not seek the support of friends due a fear of rejection or information getting back to the abuser. There is also a potential fear that the friend may not believe the abuser to be capable of such actions, due to DV – KS2020 the manipulative tactics the abuser has employed to appear as a caring, loving individual to others. Most victims as stated earlier are caring individuals, who often exhibit somewhat vulnerable qualities. Although this is not true in all cases, victims will often be those who have low self-concept and desire a sense of belonging. They may also be socially isolated themselves, which further augments their vulnerability. Such behaviour can make them easy targets for potential abusers as their lack of confidence is much easier to exploit than those who have a secure sense of self. Less confident individuals have an innate desire to please others and this is used to strengthen a trauma bond between the individual. This trauma bond is formed when the victim feels that they deserve the abuse due to their perceived wrong-doing. They also may be quite reflective individual who seeks to look for reasons behind the behaviour to try and support them in ‘getting better.’ In these cases the victim will provide unconditional support even though they are on the receiving end of the abusers wrath and will stay and care for the individual through worry that their absence may induce a ‘suicidal response’ from their abuser. Abusers in these circumstances will often try and strengthen the trauma bond by exploiting the carers empathy by using self-harm as a hook to keep them under the abusers control. Individuals in these relationships will exist in an abuse cycle in which tensions will rise and even though the victim will try to placate their abuse, they will then experience abuse, reconcile, even though this generally involves the victim accepting blame for the occurrence and a period of calm ensues until the next incident occurs. Whilst cycles are common in domestically violent relationships, the cycles gradually become more extreme and frequent as time goes on and is employed as a tactic to further erode the self-worth of their victim and begin to dehumanise them. It is at this point that the power- balance becomes most dangerous. With the abuser now at the point where they view their victim as less than human it almost gives them an excuse to move towards a fatal incident. Such incidents can also be spiked by the abuser perceiving that they have lost control and so it is important to understand the internal worries victims have when leaving relationships. Whilst some victims find the opportunity to escape, they will often return to their abusers home in spite of the abuse they have suffered. This is because even though they have courageously escaped and what others would consider a place of safety, the mental strain of being ripped from their lives, stability and routine as well as the worry of potential repercussions they would receive from leaving can encourage the victim to go back, even though this puts them at increased risk. If however, the victim is able to access and secure a good support network, either in the form of their friends, family or external agencies, there is an increased likelihood of them making the final step of completely leaving their abuser. Although, this is not always the case, as the fear and implications related to leaving such relationships can, even with the best support in the world, can result in the victim returning to a place of violence. However, it is DV – KS2020 important for others to understand that the person who has sought safety will be traumatised from what can be long-term abuse. They have lost themselves and their confidence through their experience and need time and access to protection in the form of mental health and external agency support in order to recover what was stolen from them. This not only applies to the victim themselves but those who have also the trauma inflicted through exposure of seeing their caregivers being abused, their children or relatives who bore witness to the aggression So what is the impact of lockdown on these types of relationships? As Lockdown is a time in which families are advised not to leave their abode due to the fear of catching COVID, people in these volatile relationships find themselves mostly with their abuser 24/7, limiting their ability to have an effective reprieve or planning an escape from the violence. The impact of transferring COVID also prevents victims from seeking support, especially if their family or friends have underlying medical conditions. Additionally this restriction of movement increases anxiety in the home. Many abusers attribute blame to the victim to gain power. If the abuser perceives that they have received COVID 19, they will most likely blame the victim and it is in such situations that behaviour can escalate leading to serious injury or even death. If you feel that a friend is at risk of or in a domestically violent relationship, please try to provide support to them with open arms. It is also important for others to recognise that domestic abuse is not just male on female violence, it can be present in all types of relationships no matter the gender make up and may not be in the form traditionally believed. I myself am extremely grateful to my friends and family who enabled and supported me in my recovery. Remember that your support can change lives. Contact Numbers: National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 0808 2000 247 Domestic Violence Assist: 0800 195 8699 Hourglass: 0808 808 8141 Men’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327 National LGBT Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0800 999 5428 National Centre for Domestic Abuse: 0800 999 5428 National Stalking Helpline: 0808 802 0300 Victim support: 0808 1689 111 Childline: 0800 1111 NSPCC: 0808 800 5000 DV – KS2020
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