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FEATURE Fags, Dykes and the Rise of Human Civilization By Otep Shamaya iStock_000005971175_Large. 34 | JULY 2015 T oday, I scribe this from the dazzling white beaches of Aruba. The sun is high in the azure sky and a southern breeze whispers softly through the emerald trees. The beach sparkles like dazzling daytime fireflies under the blazing rays of the yellow sun. And next to me rests a vision of beauty. A woman with a beautiful mind and a body to match. We lounge beneath a Tunisian tent surrounded by cush- ions so soft they could make an angel cry. My beloved paramour sleeps gently beside me. Her long body is bronzed by the sun and her wavy brown locks gently cover her face and shoulders. After a few sips of my exotic tropical elixir, I remember that my fingers should be tickling the keys of my laptop and not running down the length of her spine. That’s where my lips belong. But I digress. Unlike many states in freedom-loving America, here in the Con- stitutional Monarchy of Aruba we won’t be persecuted for the carnal deeds we committed last night (and this morning). But rest assured, if the Holy Roman Church were hip to our intimacies, I’m sure they’d call for an exorcism. But I digress. Actually, none of this is factual. In truth, I write this from the sterile confines of a hospital bed. You may or may not know that I’m an avid rocket enthusiast. I know, a lesbian aeronautics engi- neer. Sounds unbelievable, like a bigfoot sighting! But two nights ago I finished a project I’ve been working on for five years. With- out revealing too much, it’s a personal flying vehicle that runs pri- marily on coconut oil, solar circuitry and bovine excrement. The initial test flights were successful and the level of excitement I felt was indescribably intense. I mean, we’re talking about revolution- izing travel for every single soul on the face of the planet here! My assistant and I packed his van and sped out to the desert. We arrived in the late afternoon, made camp and set up our test site. We slept hard and fast among the wild things that inhabited that strange land. PENTHOUSE FORUM | 35 I woke in the early hours and began help end World War II and for giving us my initial flight preparation. Everything all a way to watch porn, post on Reddit seemed perfect. I stood with this sleek and troll Twitter from the anonymous contraption strapped to my back and safety of our homes. gave the thumbs up. My assistant, It’s too bad Mr. Turing wasn’t treated again, reminded me that lesbians have as the genius or hero he was but no place designing rockets. I waved instead was forced by the British gov- him off but this time gave him a differ- ernment to be medically castrated for ent finger. He mashed the ignition being a “poof” because homosexuality switch hard and then BOOM! The was illegal Fine Art Images/Heritage Imagesi/Getty Images damn thing exploded like a Tijuana then. It didn’t firecracker. My glorious assistant had matter that he blended the fuel mixture improperly so helped end the one part of the craft detonated into a war and saved trillion pieces and the other screamed thousands of into the stratosphere. Unfortunately, lives. It didn’t that was the part I was attached to. matter that he So there I was, strapped to a flaming invented the contraption of molten metal, my face computer that and neck splattered with coconut oil would change and burning bovine excrement, hur- the world. Two tling through the air at 900 miles per years after try- second over the east California desert. ing to medical- It soared high and long and then sput- ly castrate the tered and dropped into a cactus patch. homo out of As bad as I got it, I made out better him, he com- Alan Turing than my assistant who, because of his mitted suicide. proximity to the explosion, will never Perhaps this is too recent although have eyebrows or be able to grow a maybe you saw the movie about Mr. proper beard ever again. Turing played by the glorious Benedict Actually, I’m fine and wasn’t involved Cumberbatch. So let’s travel back in in a small rocket explosion. My actual time a bit to another era, when Repub- duty here is to enlighten you on the licans and former Iranian leader Mah- many ways Gays and Lesbians have moud Ahmadinejad claimed homosex- moved civilization forward. Again, I’ve uality didn’t exist. used deception to lure you further into In the 16th Century, Sir Francis this article so that by the time we reach Bacon helped advance civilization well the list of those you should know, it beyond its expected potential. He’s won’t seem so laborious or textbook. considered “The Father of Modern Sci- The list will be as extensive as the edi- ence” for devising a system for deduc- tors will allow, but I’ll do my best. So it tive empirical research known today as is. To the meat. the scientific method; he also originat- First, if you’ve checked your smart ed the phrase “Knowledge is Power.” phone or your computer within the last But historians have chosen to omit his few moments you can thank a GAY. awesome GAYNESS for fear it would Thank you GAY Alan Turing for invent- take away from his accomplishments. ing the computer. Thank you GAY Alan An absurd thought. But you can’t Turing for using your infinite genius to defeat invincible ignorance, although crack the Nazi enigma machine and I’m stubborn enough to keep trying. 36 | JULY 2015 But I digress. battle during his lifetime and created Let’s travel to the ancient era and one of the largest empires of the discuss a gargantuan GAY badass con- ancient world, which extended from sidered the greatest warrior-statesmen Greece to Egypt and reached all the of ancient Thebes. The mighty Epami- way into northwest India. To this day, nondas destroyed the military domi- his military tactics, logistics and strate- nance of Sparta and transformed the gic visions are taught and implement- balance of power among the Greek ed, which has allowed our beloved city-states by making Thebes a political America to remain a military super- juggernaut. Although very GAY—he power for more than 70 years. So had two boyfriends, Asopichus and thank a GAY for our own bad-assery, Caphisodorus—he was an esteemed because Alexander’s greatest love was statesman and military tactician and a his boyhood friend and closest confi- respected leader who liberated a group dant, Hephaestion. A Macedonian of Peloponnesian Greeks enslaved nobleman, he was Alexander’s person- under Spartan rule for 230 years. al bodyguard, a celebrated general, It wasn’t just him. For 50 years dur- engineer and diplomat. He was tutored ing the 4th Century, a small force of along with Alexander by Aristotle, who 300 elite Theban soldiers left a path of recognized their love as “one soul broken bodies on battlefields across abiding in two bodies.” Greece, annihilated their enemies and How’s your mind? Blown? Let’s scorched the earth without mercy. move on to ART! Many of the master They were The Sacred Band of Thebes Italian Renaissance artists were won- and were the core of the Theban’s mili- derfully GAY including Donatello, tary might. They also consisted of 150 Raphael and, DeAgostini/Getty pairs of GAY couples who vanquished surprise, Leon- all who stood against them. These men ardo da Vinci. were not only honored for their mili- A genius math- tary might but also for their love and ematician, sci- vows to each other. entist, scholar, Let’s not forget Alexander the Gay, e n g i n e e r, er, Alexander the Great, King of the inventor, anat- Ancient kingdom of Macedon. It’s said omist, painter, that he was a sculptor, archi- GraphicaArtis/Getty Images military genius. tect, botanist A lethal fighter and musician, and tactician he was argu- who, before ably the GAY- his 30th birth- EST badass of day, personally the lot. History commanded tells us that at the Macedo- the age of 24, nian army and he and some Leonardo da Vinci conquered and friends were dismantled the charged with sodomy involving a well- powerful Per- known male prostitute. The charges sian Empire. He were dropped, most likely due to the remained powerful influence of the family of one undefeated in of the other men accused. We also PENTHOUSE FORUM | 37 Alexander the Great know his most ing such intolerant thoughts, but b e l o v e d there’s more, gentle reader. Much, apprentice, a much more. man named Homosexuality has existed since Salai, spent 25 humans stood upright. Archeologists years with have uncovered a female warrior bur- Leonardo. He ied as a man dating from the Meso- was described lithic period. In 2011, archaeologists as “a graceful unearthed the 5,000-year-old grave of and beautiful what they believe is the world’s oldest youth with curly known GAY caveman. He was buried Leeimage/Corbis hair, in which with all the trimmings and ornaments Leonardo great- normally reserved for esteemed female Francesco Melzi ly delighted.” burials. Later, Leonardo The earliest evidence of a gay couple would take on an assistant named comes from an Ancient Egyptian tomb Francesco Melzi, who was described as of two male royal officials, Niankhk- very beautiful and very much loved by num and Khnumhotep. Their effigies da Vinci. Upon Leonardo’s death, Melzi were in a pose common for a married inherited da Vinci’s artistic and scientif- couple and they likened themselves to ic works, manuscripts and collections. Horus (God of the sun) and Set (God of Lest we forget Michelangelo. Yep, the desert), who were also an intimate he too was a GAY, a fact the Catholic couple. Church has done a damn fine job of Even the term Lesbian comes from keeping hidden. A master sculptor, the Greek island of Lesbos, the birth- painter, architect, poet and engineer, place of Sappho, whom Plato regarded he painted the Sistine Chapel and as the tenth muse. She was a teacher sculpted his masterpiece David before and priestess of a feminine love cult he was 30. that celebrated women loving women His love for men is evident in his in poems and song. In fact, not to be poetry. To a man named Cavalieri he confused with muff-diver or carpet- wrote, “I feel as lit by fire a cold coun- muncher, the term Sapphic was once a tenance/ That burns me from afar and more sophisticat- keeps itself ice-chill/ A strength I feel ed term for lesbi- Heritage Image Partnership Ltd/Alamy two shapely arms to fill/ Which without an. After her motion moves every balance.” death, ancient Cavalieri replied, “I swear to return homophobes your love. Never have I loved a man destroyed most more than I love you.” So if you ever of her writing. get a chance to go to Vatican City and Today, only frag- end up in the Sistine Chapel, just look ments exist. up at all that artistic beauty, breathe in For you red- the hypocrisy and remember to thank blooded Ameri- GAY Michelangelo for it. can patriots out Some of you might be thinking, “Of there, the lyrics course those hummus-sucking Greeks to “America, The and macaroni-munching Italians were Beautiful” were dainty, limp wristed poofs. No surprises written by a full there.” Well, shame on you for conjur- frontal Sapphic Sappho 38 | JULY 2015 Bachrach/Getty Images n a m e d first known LGBT astronaut. (If I really Katherine had an assistant for my rocket research, Lee Bates. I’d fire his ass immediately. But I An Eng- digress.) lish pro- For you Old West fanatics, we can’t fessor at forget One-Eyed Charlie, a hard-drink- Wellesley ing stagecoach driver known for his C o l l e g e , itchy trigger finger and quick temper she had a and celebrated as one of the best 2 5 - y e a r stagecoach drivers in the Wild West. relation- But after Charlie died in 1879, the cor- Katherine Lee Bates ship with oner discovered he was actually a SHE. Katharine It’s believed she was the first woman to C o m a n , vote in a presidential election before another Wellesley professor. So, the women got the right to vote some 41 next time you’re belting out, “O beau- years later in 1920. tiful for spacious skies, For amber But there’s still more dear patriots. waves of grain,” remember to thank a Let’s venture, for a moment, into the GAY for that. civil rights movement. One of the men And yet, gentle key to Martin Luther NASA Archive/Alamy reader, there’s even King’s elevation to more. So much more. leadership in the Next, we go where a n t i - s e g re g a t i o n no man has gone movement was a before to discuss man named Bayard astronaut Sally Ride. Rustin. Rustin was At the age of 32 she not only African became the first American during a woman in space, and time when lynching she remains the was a public sport, youngest American not only did he help astronaut to travel to advance nonviolent space. She served as civil disobedience as the ground-based a way to combat capsule communica- police violence, not tor (CapCom) for the only was he the second and third chief organizer of space shuttle flights the 1963 March on and helped develop Sally Ride Washington for Jobs the space shuttle’s robotic arm. She’s the only person to and Freedom, not have served on both investigative com- only did he initiate mittees for the Challenger and Colum- the 1947 Freedom bia space shuttle disasters. After her Ride, he was also, death in 2012 of pancreatic cancer, it you guessed it, a was revealed that her partner of 27 GAY. And as a years was a woman named Tam GAY he was also O’Shaughnessy, a professor at San a leading public Diego State University. Sally Ride is the advocate for gay /Corbis Robert Maass Bayard Rustin rights. istician Nate Silver better brace your- In the ’50s he was arrested for an selves. Nate is, indeed, a GAY. He immoral homosexual act (whatever created PECOTA (a sabermetric system that is) and subsequently attacked as a pervert by adversaries including white segregationists and black power mili- tants. Undeterred, he continued to fight for equality for all. Twenty-six years after his death, he was posthu- mously awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom. But it doesn’t stop there, dear patri- ots. Harvey Milk was the first openly gay person to be elected when he ran Bettmann/Corbis David Paul Morris/Bloomberg/Getty Images Nate Silver forecasting Major League Baseball player performance), that’s considered one of the most accurate sports fore- casting methodologies in the world. His gift for statistics and analysis Leonard Matlovich extends to the political field. He cor- rectly predicted the vote in 49 out of for the San Francisco Board of Supervi- 50 states in the 2008 Presidential elec- sors, and Leonard Matlovich, who tion and correctly predicted the winner received the Purple Heart for his service of all 35 Senate races, leading Time in the Vietnam War, was the first gay magazine to name him one of their man to come out while serving in the 100 Most Influential People in the U.S. Air Force. WORLD in 2009. In the 2012 Presiden- Should we discuss music? Three tial election, he correctly predicted the words. Freddie Fucking Mercury. outcome of all 50 states. Enough said. So the next time you’re at Nate is openly gay and lives with his a football game and the entire stadium longtime partner Robert Gauldin. After erupts into “We will, we will rock you,” seeing a series of flagpoles in Chicago remember to thank a fabulously tal- memorializing various gay Americans, ented GAY for that. he stated he’d like to be remembered Now, all you fantasy baseball fanat- for being himself. “I don’t want to be ics who rely heavily on the brilliant stat- Nate Silver, gay statistician, any more 40 | JULY 2015 than I want to be known as a white, issues. As of 2012, it was still legal in half-Jewish statistician who lives in 29 states to be fired for being openly New York.” gay. I know. Unbelievable. But it’s true. Yes, a day we all wish for. Lisa Howe (Tennessee), Vandy Beth Finally, gentle reader, I must make a Glenn (Georgia), Michael Carney (Mas- confession. I, too, am a GAY. A lady- sachusetts), Jodi O’Brien (Wisconsin) loving, carpet-munching, muffdiver and Peter TerVeer (District of Columbia) with a dastardly reputation for being a were all fired for being openly gay. In “recruiter.” I’m not sure that’s an the 21st Century this seems to be entirely accurate title for me since all beyond archaic. But this is still a savage human fetuses begin from a female nation in some places, poisoned by template (hence male nipples). My intolerance and governed by human belief is that most humans are proba- colostomy bags. bly bisexual with heavy tendencies If you’re a resident of one of these toward one gender or the other and states and find this appalling, then use that true homosexuals and true het- your GAY smart phone or GAY com- erosexuals are actually rather rare. The puter to write an email or call your women I’ve been with who have dated state Representative and demand they mostly men and for whom I’ve been stop this heinous practice. Is your state their first Sapphic experience, admit to one of these bastions of intolerance? having tendencies for women but Here’s the list: Alaska, Alabama, Arizo- always feared how their friends or fam- na, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, ily would react. So I’m not actually Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, recruiting anyone, I’m liberating them Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Mon- from their own fears and anxieties. tana, Nebraska, North Carolina, North Yes. That’s it. Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Pennsylva- Though it does seem like some nia, South Carolina, South Dakota, things are better for us GAYS with Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West regards to public opinion on same-sex Virginia and Wyoming. marriage, we still have some serious And those who claim being GAY is a choice? They’re wrong. If it is, ask them when they chose to be straight, and watch their mind twist and shrivel trying to form an answer. I didn’t choose to be right-handed, blonde, green-eyed, freckled or this fucking talented nor did I choose to be Sapphic. Religion is a choice. Intoler- ance is a choice. Apathy is a choice. Love is not. Otep Shamaya is a GLAAD-nominated singer, songwriter and winner of BAFTA award and the MTV Music with ZUMA Press/Alamy a Message Award. An author and spo- ken word artist, she’s an advocate for equal rights, animal rights and spoke Vandy Beth Glenn at the 2008 Democratic National Con- vention on behalf of Rock The Vote. PENTHOUSE FORUM | 41