$20,000 of your own money. $30,000 worth of mac and cheese. 1/4th teaspoon oil. 17 men and one egg. 2.5kg of sand in my butt. 20 lbs. of oregano. 20 lbs. of prime beef. 20 years of untreated syphilis. 2nd grade. 30 years of hard work. A 10-minute period of intense concentration. A 4-day grace period. A French waiter or something. A Japanese sex doll, raised by dogs. A TSA pat-down. A ball pit full of dirty babies. A belly full of chips. A belt way too big for your small hands. A big door for a small man. A big old white penis. A big, beautiful bathtub filled with ketchup and pickles. A bit of poopy time after shaving. A bizarro world where cattle are man's best friend. A black feather boa. A bloodstained flute. A boss as good as he is dumb. A bottle of lotion. A bowl of rotting shrimp. A box full of ashes. A bunch of dudes chomping on a potato chip. A bunch of tiny, sweaty balls. A canoe filled with blood. A city of gold, flowers, and waterfalls. A co ffi n filled with dead Alaskans. A cowardly ass who just farted. A cowboy who stands up for America. A crazy, balls-to-the-wall presidential debate. A crocodile in a white coat. A cruel God who punishes those who sin. A cruel, useless politician. A cute belt-buckle. A damsel in distress. A dark blue hairdo. A dash of cinnamon. A day of deliciousness. A death wish. A dinosaur that eats your face. A dog chowing down on my penis. A dose of reality. A drone that probably killed a couple hundred people. A dude in a suit. A dude who died of senile dementia within 24 hours of eating a hot dog. A dude. A fart so intense it shatters your eardrum. A fart that's just not right. A father's devotion. A fiery death. A freakin' 'nado. A freaking hippo. A fully dressed up walrus. A gazillion dollar contract. A general who does not play by the rules and abuses his position. A gerbil named "Her." A golden spoonful of porridge. A good man who loves his country. A guy that knows how to talk to a girl. A half hour of meditative silence. A half hour of pain and pleasure. A half-assed clone of Randy Savage. A half-assed nipple lick. A half-decent guinea pig. A half-hour massage by some wise older man. A handsome teenage boy who probably does drugs and is gay. A heavenly glow. A hole to waste the blood of rich people. A horny hobo. A horse so soft that it defecates every night. A horse that acts like it hates you. A horse that is both sexual and physically dominating. A horse that is too stupid to know he's stupid. A horse that isn't a joke. A horse that only moves its head when it wants to mate. A horse whose ass is all shaved and tanned white. A hot air balloon that never comes down. A hot night in Japan. A house that is built with books. A jolly good bowl of soup. A kangaroo that only wants to be hugged. A kid who's never seen a pool, but knows what "pool" means anyway. A lean, mean gerbil. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and some fish porn. A little boy who never made it home. A living wage. A lot of bad stu ff A lot of jiggling and grunting. A lot of war. A lush carpet of velvet. A magic bullet that can fix all of your ills. A man cave filled with scalding hot garbage. A man of God who simply wants the best for America. A man smoking what he calls his "joint". A man so hot you just cum. A man so sweet you wish you could wash his tears away with a handkerchief. A man so tall and strong, he can wallop anyone. A man that can never have enough bread. A man who calls himself a feminist. A man who has porn on his hard drive and who masturbates to it. A man who has seen better days. A man who is hungry and thirsty. A man who is without conscience. A man who kills with no qualms. A man who makes money by committing fraud. A man who needs no introduction. A man who runs his mouth like a goddamned teacup. A man who seems unable to understand female sexuality. A man who wants to play tether ball with you. A man who will carry your kids for eight hours. A man who would do anything to have sex with a dead body. A man with a beard who doesn't know shit about cars. A man with a huge cock and a mustache. A man with a penis and an ass. A man with a... uh... a nose. A man with his balls in a hat. A master sergeant who roams the battlefield slaughtering innocent civilians. A mean little box with nothing inside. A minimum standard of behavior. A monkey with no hands. A morbidly obese man climbing a wall. A nasty big man. A necktie that says "this is what it's come to". A never-ending homework load. A new TV channel called Poop TV. A nimble marine who hunks and spits bullets. A nine-foot-tall tarantula. A noble horse bred and trained for sport. A nude autopsy. A nylon stocking full of snot. A pack of cigarettes and a vodka tonic. A pee-pee in the ass. A penis named "Joe". A penis no larger than a grapefruit. A penis that comes out of the side of your head. A penis that has a conscience. A penis that vibrates when you pee. A perfectly round turd. A pesky white child. A pickle. A pile of ashes. A pile of dead ducks. A pile of injured and emaciated cows. A pile of naked cherubs. A pile of poop that's only 50 feet from where you are. A poop-stained Bible. A proud first responder. A public bender. A public reprimand from the Chancellor. A pu ff of ozone. A quick Google search for "wife swapping". A radical rethinking of public education. A rapier through the heart. A real fucker. A really slow and skillful kiss. A really tall antelope. A redneck arguing with a snow cone. A rollicking jazz session. A rubber baby. A rusty .50 cal barrel loaded with 800 rounds of chicken shit. A sandwich too many. A sandy bum. A schlong with lungs. A seahorse or two. A secret hater. A seductive bulge. A sentient tree that responds to your commands. A sexy cabinet maker. A sexy hacker named Faith who can read minds. A sexy new career as a prostitute. A shitty joke that has no meaning. A short dance so you won't think about the war for 10 minutes. A single mom who does it all. A single-payer healthcare system. A slow, agonizing orgasm. A small mound of skulls. A smaller, blacker, better-looking dick. A stern, authoritative father. A strong, credible threat. A study that proves my point. A stunning chest. A sure-fire way to die. A swoopy mustache. A team e ff ort. A tearful confession. A thick, cloudy sludge. A third of America. A time when heroin was a fun prescription for headaches. A tiny boy who'll never be anything. A treasure chest containing hamster, guinea pig, and porcupine parts. A tree that knows what sex is. A troll that uses metaphor as its dominant language. A tropical fishy. A two-headed panda. A two-mile-long burrito. A vagina full of raw meat. A vibrator so big you can't fit it under your pillow. A wasabi stick penis. A way to die that's fast, painless, and utterly cathartic. A way to erase your homosexuality. A way to explode someone. A way to feel good forever. A way to live that is stable and satisfying. A way to magically get a hand job from Gilbert at 2AM. A way to make blood and drink it. A way to open a fridge with my mouth. A well-placed molotov cocktail. A wet fish. A witty remark. A woman as beautiful as my wife. A woman doing a flip flop. A woman holding a gun to my head and telling me to relax. A woman in her fifties explaining why men are animals. A woman lead. A woman named Terry who is barely larger than a pinhead. A woman president who has a private e-mail server. A woman speaking her mind. A woman who believes in the economic equality of the sexes. A woman who is both attractive and powerful. A woman who is loyal, smart, and funny. A woman who is so sharp she can cut anything in two. A woman who is so smart I'm like "whoa." A woman who is so smart that she can predict the movements of 300 birds. A woman who looks like me but talks like George Clooney. A woman who once had a threesome with Brett Favre and Blake Shelton. A woman's happiness. A woman's lips. A woman's natural breasts. Abandoning the reservation. About 150 feet of rope. Absolute certainty that I don't have herpes. Absorbing all the facts. Actually dying. Adam Sandler and his shitty movie collection. Adding a magic marker to your quesadilla. Aggressive outbursts of feline intensity. Alcohol-fueled fist fights. All the beasts of the Earth, man among them. All the cocaine in Columbia. All this fur! Allowing mother nature to do her thing. Also, an onion. An adult lesson on power points. An apple, please. An asshole who's just in it for the pussy. An egg full of gooey, moist honey. An elaborately-crafted experiment. An emotional outburst. An endless ocean of blackness. An enormous blob of flesh. An eternal alliance between the little people and the big guy. An event horizon. An expensive dinner that left my girlfriend feeling ashamed of her body. An extra set of legs. An ice chest full of skulls. An impassioned plea for mercy. An infinite stream of dick pics. An interest in the first lady's vagina. An intimate encounter with the secret gay in your family. An oily pussy. An old man who just died. An old man whose last bowel movement was when he was seven. An old people's home with little or no plumbing. An old, grumpy white guy who is just used to everything. An orgasm so strong it turns you into a jellyfish. An unholy alliance with the mosspeople. An unwanted breast feeding. An utter failure of a husband. Another bathtub full of milk. Another shit hitting a fan situation. Another unspeakable act of violence. Answering the phone by pressing it. Anti-personnel fragmentation grenades. Ants in my hair. Anus tattoos. Applying for and getting rejected by grad school. Asking for permission first. Asking me to come over and fuck your husband. Asking your mom about Cialis. Asking your teenager to dance for you. Asking "what the fuck?" Asking "where are your manners?" Attacking horses and birds. Autumn fashion. Babbling incoherently. Backwards genitals. Ball pain. Banishing a friend to a less favorable planet. Barack Obama's long hair. Barbara Bush's left breast. Barfing bird poop. Barnacles. Beaver pelts. Becoming a national treasure. Becoming a space damsel in distress. Becoming an Olympic champion. Becoming angry at lowlifes for wearing jeans. Becoming impossible to stay away from. Becoming less and less attractive. Becoming the pope. Beheaded human beings. Being a burden to others. Being a connoisseur of fine wines. Being a decent person. Being a good ole' boy. Being a lazy ass. Being a liberal arts professor. Being a mediocre dancer. Being a misogynistic asshole. Being a total down-to-Earth guy. Being a total nincompoop. Being able to pay less for the same stu ff ! Being able to reach with your anus and touch the clouds. Being an unsuccessful writer. Being arrested by the LAPD. Being born in 1934. Being condescending to those with lower incomes. Being disgusted with your fellow man. Being disrespectful to elders. Being excited about my girly stu ff Being fully clothed. Being gluten-intolerant. Being horny and sad. Being impervious to criticism. Being in a constant state of anxiety. Being in such a hurry. Being incredibly picky about what gets eaten. Being man enough to eat raw horse flesh. Being more like me. Being on a liquid diet. Being on all fours. Being perfect, like Mommy. Being poor while hanging out with rich people. Being pursued by green men. Being quite wealthy. Being raised Jewish, and realizing I'm not. Being ready to have sex any time, anywhere, with almost anything. Being sexy and all that jazz. Being sexy and wearing a strapless bra. Being sick of life and moving on. Being so cool that everyone around you starts fucking. Being so weird. Being super cute. Being super stupid. Being thankful your mom is alive and kicking. Being the best dad ever. Being the only blond male with a doctorate in mathematics. Being thrown under a bus. Being too damn smart for my own good. Being too small for big men. Being totally out of touch with the rest of the world. Belting out hit singles. Big Je ff 's tongue. Big Je ff 's gigantic dong. Big Je ff 's huge, strong, pot bellied pig. Big Je ff 's terrible greasy boner. Big Papi's remarkable longevity. Big Pat, the bulldog who made me. Big business, man. Big city food. Big dogs. Big dreams, big balls, and big tits. Big gay hugs. Big mouth Gary. Big sister dominance. Big spending moms. Big, powerful poops. Bigotry. Bilbo's fantastical adventure. Birthdays. Bitches bitches bitches bitches bitches. Blinding whiteness. Bombarding the locker room with negative social pressure. Bone-dry screwing. Bracing for impact. Bragging about how tall you are. Breast milk in the mail. Bringing yourself to orgasm. Buying a dog for $20,000 at the pet store. Buying a plane ticket to Berlin. Calling in a death threat. Calling it a day and leaving. Cancer... again. Carrying a child around on your back like a sack of potatoes. Carrying a large load. Carrying a loaded gun to work. Ceasing to be funny. Cecil the lion. Cheap booze, dirty needles, open containers, and dead livestock. Cheerios and ball gags. Child bridesmaids. Chocolatey brownie batter. Choking on my own vomit. Christmas wishes from my best bro. City halls. Civil discourse. Clapping when someone says "banana". Class action lawsuit no. 2013-1. Cocaine for lunch. Co ff ee sippin'. Coming back for more. Complete and total annihilation. Completely useless knowledge. Constant weeping. Constantly feeling that something is missing. Consuming a quadrillion calories. Consuming baby food without the wife's consent. Consuming delicious meat. Consuming rice. Consuming spaghetti from a trash can. Consuming two cans of dog food in a single day. Consuming unapproved medications. Consuming water and feeling perfectly safe. Consuming water that is crystal clear and free of impurities. Consuming your enemy. Copious amounts of dick. Crawling under the covers. Crayon art that's so good you want to play with it. Crocodiling. Crying in the shower because you killed some people. Crying inconsolably in front of a bank teller. Crying into my porcelain hands. Cum poo.