$20,000 of your own money. $30,000 worth of mac and cheese. 1/4th teaspoon oil. 17 men and one egg. 2.5kg of sand in my butt. 20 lbs. of oregano. 20 lbs. of prime beef. 20 years of untreated syphilis. 2nd grade. 30 years of hard work. A 10-minute period of intense concentration. A 4-day grace period. A French waiter or something. A Japanese sex doll, raised by dogs. A TSA pat-down. A ball pit full of dirty babies. A belly full of chips. A belt way too big for your small hands. A big door for a small man. A big old white penis. A big, beautiful bathtub filled with ketchup and pickles. A bit of poopy time after shaving. A bizarro world where cattle are man's best friend. A black feather boa. A bloodstained flute. A boss as good as he is dumb. A bottle of lotion. A bowl of rotting shrimp. A box full of ashes. A bunch of dudes chomping on a potato chip. A bunch of tiny, sweaty balls. A canoe filled with blood. A city of gold, flowers, and waterfalls. A coﬃn filled with dead Alaskans. A cowardly ass who just farted. A cowboy who stands up for America. A crazy, balls-to-the-wall presidential debate. A crocodile in a white coat. A cruel God who punishes those who sin. A cruel, useless politician. A cute belt-buckle. A damsel in distress. A dark blue hairdo. A dash of cinnamon. A day of deliciousness. A death wish. A dinosaur that eats your face. A dog chowing down on my penis. A dose of reality. A drone that probably killed a couple hundred people. A dude in a suit. A dude who died of senile dementia within 24 hours of eating a hot dog. A dude. A fart so intense it shatters your eardrum. A fart that's just not right. A father's devotion. A fiery death. A freakin' 'nado. A freaking hippo. A fully dressed up walrus. A gazillion dollar contract. A general who does not play by the rules and abuses his position. A gerbil named "Her." A golden spoonful of porridge. A good man who loves his country. A guy that knows how to talk to a girl. A half hour of meditative silence. A half hour of pain and pleasure. A half-assed clone of Randy Savage. A half-assed nipple lick. A half-decent guinea pig. A half-hour massage by some wise older man. A handsome teenage boy who probably does drugs and is gay. A heavenly glow. A hole to waste the blood of rich people. A horny hobo. A horse so soft that it defecates every night. A horse that acts like it hates you. A horse that is both sexual and physically dominating. A horse that is too stupid to know he's stupid. A horse that isn't a joke. A horse that only moves its head when it wants to mate. A horse whose ass is all shaved and tanned white. A hot air balloon that never comes down. A hot night in Japan. A house that is built with books. A jolly good bowl of soup. A kangaroo that only wants to be hugged. A kid who's never seen a pool, but knows what "pool" means anyway. A lean, mean gerbil. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, and some fish porn. A little boy who never made it home. A living wage. A lot of bad stuﬀ. A lot of jiggling and grunting. A lot of war. A lush carpet of velvet. A magic bullet that can fix all of your ills. A man cave filled with scalding hot garbage. A man of God who simply wants the best for America. A man smoking what he calls his "joint". A man so hot you just cum. A man so sweet you wish you could wash his tears away with a handkerchief. A man so tall and strong, he can wallop anyone. A man that can never have enough bread. A man who calls himself a feminist. A man who has porn on his hard drive and who masturbates to it. A man who has seen better days. A man who is hungry and thirsty. A man who is without conscience. A man who kills with no qualms. A man who makes money by committing fraud. A man who needs no introduction. A man who runs his mouth like a goddamned teacup. A man who seems unable to understand female sexuality. A man who wants to play tether ball with you. A man who will carry your kids for eight hours. A man who would do anything to have sex with a dead body. A man with a beard who doesn't know shit about cars. A man with a huge cock and a mustache. A man with a penis and an ass. A man with a… uh… a nose. A man with his balls in a hat. A master sergeant who roams the battlefield slaughtering innocent civilians. A mean little box with nothing inside. A minimum standard of behavior. A monkey with no hands. A morbidly obese man climbing a wall. A nasty big man. A necktie that says "this is what it's come to". A never-ending homework load. A new TV channel called Poop TV. A nimble marine who hunks and spits bullets. A nine-foot-tall tarantula. A noble horse bred and trained for sport. A nude autopsy. A nylon stocking full of snot. A pack of cigarettes and a vodka tonic. A pee-pee in the ass. A penis named "Joe". A penis no larger than a grapefruit. A penis that comes out of the side of your head. A penis that has a conscience. A penis that vibrates when you pee. A perfectly round turd. A pesky white child. A pickle. A pile of ashes. A pile of dead ducks. A pile of injured and emaciated cows. A pile of naked cherubs. A pile of poop that's only 50 feet from where you are. A poop-stained Bible. A proud first responder. A public bender. A public reprimand from the Chancellor. A puﬀ of ozone. A quick Google search for "wife swapping". A radical rethinking of public education. A rapier through the heart. A real fucker. A really slow and skillful kiss. A really tall antelope. A redneck arguing with a snow cone. A rollicking jazz session. A rubber baby. A rusty .50 cal barrel loaded with 800 rounds of chicken shit. A sandwich too many. A sandy bum. A schlong with lungs. A seahorse or two. A secret hater. A seductive bulge. A sentient tree that responds to your commands. A sexy cabinet maker. A sexy hacker named Faith who can read minds. A sexy new career as a prostitute. A shitty joke that has no meaning. A short dance so you won't think about the war for 10 minutes. A single mom who does it all. A single-payer healthcare system. A slow, agonizing orgasm. A small mound of skulls. A smaller, blacker, better-looking dick. A stern, authoritative father. A strong, credible threat. A study that proves my point. A stunning chest. A sure-fire way to die. A swoopy mustache. A team eﬀort. A tearful confession. A thick, cloudy sludge. A third of America. A time when heroin was a fun prescription for headaches. A tiny boy who'll never be anything. A treasure chest containing hamster, guinea pig, and porcupine parts. A tree that knows what sex is. A troll that uses metaphor as its dominant language. A tropical fishy. A two-headed panda. A two-mile-long burrito. A vagina full of raw meat. A vibrator so big you can't fit it under your pillow. A wasabi stick penis. A way to die that's fast, painless, and utterly cathartic. A way to erase your homosexuality. A way to explode someone. A way to feel good forever. A way to live that is stable and satisfying. A way to magically get a hand job from Gilbert at 2AM. A way to make blood and drink it. A way to open a fridge with my mouth. A well-placed molotov cocktail. A wet fish. A witty remark. A woman as beautiful as my wife. A woman doing a flip flop. A woman holding a gun to my head and telling me to relax. A woman in her fifties explaining why men are animals. A woman lead. A woman named Terry who is barely larger than a pinhead. A woman president who has a private e-mail server. A woman speaking her mind. A woman who believes in the economic equality of the sexes. A woman who is both attractive and powerful. A woman who is loyal, smart, and funny. A woman who is so sharp she can cut anything in two. A woman who is so smart I'm like "whoa." A woman who is so smart that she can predict the movements of 300 birds. A woman who looks like me but talks like George Clooney. A woman who once had a threesome with Brett Favre and Blake Shelton. A woman's happiness. A woman's lips. A woman's natural breasts. Abandoning the reservation. About 150 feet of rope. Absolute certainty that I don't have herpes. Absorbing all the facts. Actually dying. Adam Sandler and his shitty movie collection. Adding a magic marker to your quesadilla. Aggressive outbursts of feline intensity. Alcohol-fueled fist fights. All the beasts of the Earth, man among them. All the cocaine in Columbia. All this fur! Allowing mother nature to do her thing. Also, an onion. An adult lesson on power points. An apple, please. An asshole who's just in it for the pussy. An egg full of gooey, moist honey. An elaborately-crafted experiment. An emotional outburst. An endless ocean of blackness. An enormous blob of flesh. An eternal alliance between the little people and the big guy. An event horizon. An expensive dinner that left my girlfriend feeling ashamed of her body. An extra set of legs. An ice chest full of skulls. An impassioned plea for mercy. An infinite stream of dick pics. An interest in the first lady's vagina. An intimate encounter with the secret gay in your family. An oily pussy. An old man who just died. An old man whose last bowel movement was when he was seven. An old people's home with little or no plumbing. An old, grumpy white guy who is just used to everything. An orgasm so strong it turns you into a jellyfish. An unholy alliance with the mosspeople. An unwanted breast feeding. An utter failure of a husband. Another bathtub full of milk. Another shit hitting a fan situation. Another unspeakable act of violence. Answering the phone by pressing it. Anti-personnel fragmentation grenades. Ants in my hair. Anus tattoos. Applying for and getting rejected by grad school. Asking for permission first. Asking me to come over and fuck your husband. Asking your mom about Cialis. Asking your teenager to dance for you. Asking "what the fuck?" Asking "where are your manners?" Attacking horses and birds. Autumn fashion. Babbling incoherently. Backwards genitals. Ball pain. Banishing a friend to a less favorable planet. Barack Obama's long hair. Barbara Bush's left breast. Barfing bird poop. Barnacles. Beaver pelts. Becoming a national treasure. Becoming a space damsel in distress. Becoming an Olympic champion. Becoming angry at lowlifes for wearing jeans. Becoming impossible to stay away from. Becoming less and less attractive. Becoming the pope. Beheaded human beings. Being a burden to others. Being a connoisseur of fine wines. Being a decent person. Being a good ole' boy. Being a lazy ass. Being a liberal arts professor. Being a mediocre dancer. Being a misogynistic asshole. Being a total down-to-Earth guy. Being a total nincompoop. Being able to pay less for the same stuﬀ! Being able to reach with your anus and touch the clouds. Being an unsuccessful writer. Being arrested by the LAPD. Being born in 1934. Being condescending to those with lower incomes. Being disgusted with your fellow man. Being disrespectful to elders. Being excited about my girly stuﬀ. Being fully clothed. Being gluten-intolerant. Being horny and sad. Being impervious to criticism. Being in a constant state of anxiety. Being in such a hurry. Being incredibly picky about what gets eaten. Being man enough to eat raw horse flesh. Being more like me. Being on a liquid diet. Being on all fours. Being perfect, like Mommy. Being poor while hanging out with rich people. Being pursued by green men. Being quite wealthy. Being raised Jewish, and realizing I'm not. Being ready to have sex any time, anywhere, with almost anything. Being sexy and all that jazz. Being sexy and wearing a strapless bra. Being sick of life and moving on. Being so cool that everyone around you starts fucking. Being so weird. Being super cute. Being super stupid. Being thankful your mom is alive and kicking. Being the best dad ever. Being the only blond male with a doctorate in mathematics. Being thrown under a bus. Being too damn smart for my own good. Being too small for big men. Being totally out of touch with the rest of the world. Belting out hit singles. Big Jeﬀ's tongue. Big Jeﬀ's gigantic dong. Big Jeﬀ's huge, strong, pot bellied pig. Big Jeﬀ's terrible greasy boner. Big Papi's remarkable longevity. Big Pat, the bulldog who made me. Big business, man. Big city food. Big dogs. Big dreams, big balls, and big tits. Big gay hugs. Big mouth Gary. Big sister dominance. Big spending moms. Big, powerful poops. Bigotry. Bilbo's fantastical adventure. Birthdays. Bitches bitches bitches bitches bitches. Blinding whiteness. Bombarding the locker room with negative social pressure. Bone-dry screwing. Bracing for impact. Bragging about how tall you are. Breast milk in the mail. Bringing yourself to orgasm. Buying a dog for $20,000 at the pet store. Buying a plane ticket to Berlin. Calling in a death threat. Calling it a day and leaving. Cancer… again. Carrying a child around on your back like a sack of potatoes. Carrying a large load. Carrying a loaded gun to work. Ceasing to be funny. Cecil the lion. Cheap booze, dirty needles, open containers, and dead livestock. Cheerios and ball gags. Child bridesmaids. Chocolatey brownie batter. Choking on my own vomit. Christmas wishes from my best bro. City halls. Civil discourse. Clapping when someone says "banana". Class action lawsuit no. 2013-1. Cocaine for lunch. Coﬀee sippin'. Coming back for more. Complete and total annihilation. Completely useless knowledge. Constant weeping. Constantly feeling that something is missing. Consuming a quadrillion calories. Consuming baby food without the wife's consent. Consuming delicious meat. Consuming rice. Consuming spaghetti from a trash can. Consuming two cans of dog food in a single day. Consuming unapproved medications. Consuming water and feeling perfectly safe. Consuming water that is crystal clear and free of impurities. Consuming your enemy. Copious amounts of dick. Crawling under the covers. Crayon art that's so good you want to play with it. Crocodiling. Crying in the shower because you killed some people. Crying inconsolably in front of a bank teller. Crying into my porcelain hands. Cum poo. Cum-smacking my nutsack. Cumming a couple times. Cumming in a sexual manner. Cumming in an old man's ears. Cumming in his mouth. Cumming on a soldier's face. Cutting out pieces of your own body with a scalpel. Daddy's cajun cuisine. Daddy's pet: the hamster. Daddy's sick biceps. Dangerous gay vibes. Dank memes and blowjob farts. Dat butt hole. Decades of undeniable data that proves climate change is happening. Deciding to give up on life. Defending heterosexuality. Denying all knowledge of the past. Developing a clitoris. Dinner with Mitt Romney. Discovering what actually happened to my daughter that Sunday. Divorce court juries. Dog puke. Doing a backwards flip and breaking your rib cage. Doing a triple-take. Doing exactly what I said I would. Doing some impressive stuﬀ, then going into a deep depression. Doing the two-finger salute. Doing what his big, soft mouth says. Doing your civic duty. Donald Trump's strange and narcissistic behavior. Dressing up as Pac-Man and seeing a museum exhibit as Pac-Man. Drinking as fast as you can. Drinking one last beer with Grandma before she dies. Drinking white wine, dancing, and yelling at my children. Drone strikes. Drooping nipples. Drunken frothing rage. Dry humor. Dry-humping both my bae and my cruise shipmate. Dying of shame. Dying to attend the baby shower. Eating 10 lbs. of baby food in one night. Eating a $100 burrito and being too lazy to make dinner. Eating a big bunch of yellow flowers. Eating a carrot before bed. Eating a chicken nugget. Eating a cookie to feel happy. Eating a cookie while yelling "fuck it!" Eating a raspberry. Eating a small dinner and then lying down again. Eating a warm, juicy pizza, and then, for some reason, waxing your fanny. Eating an entire pineapple and being sad for hours afterwards. Eating an entire shrimp dinner and waking up four hours later. Eating apple pie and nodding my head repeatedly at my watch. Eating as much as I want. Eating breakfast that has a parrot in it. Eating bugs to survive. Eating cheeseburgers with my penis in my butt. Eating every last cupcake in the country. Eating green vegetables and staying under 25. Eating healthy. Eating high school boy meat. Eating lizards with chopsticks. Eating meat that's been doused in the ocean. Eating potato salad and riding a horse. Eating sandpaper to the point of madness. Eating some cheap French fries and feeling like a whole person. Eating something really disgusting, like a leprechaun's butt. Eating soup in the nude. Eight dry holes. Eight semesters of college coursework. Ejaculating exhaust gas into the stratosphere. Ejaculating fruit punch. Ejaculating in an alleyway because your life sucks. Ejaculating into a pillow and crying until God gives you another egg. Eldritch abominations. Elon Musk, founder of musk. Ending Mother's life. Endless stress. Enthusiastic consent. Erasing all traces of Christmas from the face of the Earth. Eric Trump riding in on an elephant. Eringiati, the angry, terrible centipede. Even more evidence that Jesus was gay. Even more soy sauce than normal. Every bathroom in America. Every form of physical or mental violence that your body can take. Everybody getting killed except for Kanye. Everyone being taller and bigger than last year. Everyone fucking a horse. Everything I've ever done for money. Everything and nothing. Everything that isn't a condom. Everything that's wrong with the world. Explaining my roommate's boyfriend has the hots for me because I'm so pretty and sexy. Exposing the corrupting influence of money in politics. Eyeliner that is just eyeliner. Failing to comprehend the essence of an apple. Failing to stop the bleeding. False flags. Fantasizing about both my parents' 50th and final wedding anniversaries. Fantasizing about zucchini. Fantasizing that I'm dead. Farts falling out of my butt. Farts in the mailbox. Father's appetite for beef. Father's bright, welcoming smile. Father's cough. Father's dying words. Father's most trusted disciple. Father's mysterious fascination with the Bible. Father's prejudice. Father's quesadilla. Father's strong, smooth shoulders. Father's thunderous laughter. Father's weary gaze. Feeling completely alive. Feeling like your whole world is collapsing. Feeling really inspired today. Feeling your body betraying you every time. Female firefighters. Female shooters. Field mice. Finding a nipple and being like "Oooh! That's a nipple!" Finding that the coﬀee table in your parents' room is no longer that coﬀee table. Fingering so good. Fingering the umm, I don't know, stomach. Finishing the math homework and then just passing out. Firing all the white women. Fitting in with the kids. Floating about in a graveyard. Floating in a tank of eggnog. Floor food. Flowers and stuﬀ. Fluctuating between lethargy and ecstasy. Flying bad guys. Food for your eyes, not for your lips. Foods my son will love. Free grub! French fries with jizz on them. Fresh milk from kids. Freshly gathered pubes. Frog ass. Fucking an elderly yoga instructor named "Scar". Fucking every bimbo in Rome. Fucking everybody. Fucking the hell oﬀ. Fucking up America's budget. Fumbling with the camera. Garfield penis. Gary's dad, Gary. Gassy playmates. Gender fluidity. General unhappiness. Gerbils with sticks for arms. Getting a dental license. Getting all gung ho about some shit. Getting all huﬀy and whining about unfair competition. Getting cut in half by a falling watermelon. Getting even with Dad. Getting excited about bacon. Getting expelled because you openly discussed your desire to blow up the world's dams. Getting fed up with hearing about pooping. Getting masturbated to. Getting my son back. Getting scared and throwing myself on the floor of my parent's bedroom. Getting some great compliments on that great ass of yours. Getting the life-changing news that Grandma is alive and well. Getting up close and personal. Getting your dick out, slapping the table, and leaving. Giving Dad a call. Giving Grandma crappy things she doesn't like. Giving a man a steak and sending him on his way. Giving a woman the power to decide when and if she has children. Giving away your eggs to charity. Giving birth in the back seat of a friend's Ford Escape. Giving birth to a frozen bear on Christmas Eve. Giving blood because you're rich and famous and have a ton of blood in you. Giving in to my dark impulses. Giving in to temptation. Giving it a good scrub to make sure all the dirt is gone. Giving it your all, but not quite coming through. Giving me a lesson on what's going on in Syria. Giving me, like, a fucking Ewok. Giving the big boy a suck. Giving 'em hell. Gnarly ol' bangles. God's anger. God's plan for you. Going apeshit for pounds and pounds of boneless skin. Going into hiding. Going into the bathroom with your pants around your knees and your butt totally out. Going oﬀ-script and blowing someone's head oﬀ with a lawn dart. Going overboard with the ketchup. Going to school, getting good grades, finding a job, and then finding out you're a slut. Going with Mom and Dad to the carnival. Going with my gut and spending all my money. Going with the flow and ending up with a sandwich. Goo nuts. Good dental hygiene. Gossipy tall men. Grandpa and Grandma's shitty marriage. Great woodworking skills. Ground beef with mayo. Growing a beard and a mustache. Gun control advocates. Gun shots to the head. Guys I wanna bang. Guys like you. Guys that believe in ghosts. Guys with black belts. Ham finger. Hammering on the door and saying "open up!" Hands down the best eggnog I have ever had. Hardcore cow porn. Hating Mom and baiting your dad into killing her. Having Marxist principles but also being incredibly miserly. Having a Twitter account. Having a conscience. Having a happy girl poop. Having a new partner for sex. She's a snowman. Having a penis like a badass. Having a soft spot for uneducated farm boys. Having a teenage boy crush. Having a temper that is so out of control I could rip a dude in half. Having a tummy ache. Having already killed them all. Having coﬀee with a Russian spy. Having diﬃculty coping with the death of a loved one. Having fun, but not for very long. Having gotten married at age 14. Having herpes again. Having long and luxurious hair. Having more sex. Having no idea how to use an electric grill. Having no right to speak, much less act like you do. Having several sons. Having shitty hair. Having the audacity to breathe. Having the whole chicken, pretty please. Having the worst day ever. Having to leave your family behind. Having to pee and not peeing. Having too many poops. Having yet to agree on any of this. Hellacious ooze. Her sweet, sweet udders. Hidden camera evidence. Hiding pro-Trump t-shirts from neighbors. High school reunion sex. Hitting them where it hurts. Horny teens with zero responsibility. Hot dogs and over-the-top violence. Hot guys with chins bigger than your balls. Hot jokes for your hot children. Hot little nuns who do the naughty things. Hot pics of dogs. Hot, bald heads. Hot, fresh toilet water. How I'm just like my dad. How annoying men can be. How boring the music has become. How cold the snow is. How cool it is that the beagle is my son. How cool it would be to die. How full my vagina can get. How gay America really is. How good it would feel to get my dick sucked. How horrible it is that people who have never experienced racism find ways to justify it. How hot Mom is! How old I got. How sexy white people are. How tough my mother is. How you feel when you masturbate. How "special" it is to have "proud American Indian" ancestry. Hugs. Hundreds of thousands of happy animals. Hungry, unemployed college kids. I don't even want no clams. I like to play with dolls because I am a little girl. I. Ice-cream men. Illegal dentistry. Infanticide. Infinite taxi rides! Insane empanadas. Intense bone pain. Intergalactic Congress. Inviting God's wrath. It has happened. Jamming a fork through a glass plate. Jeb's pet monkey, Nando. Jerking oﬀ in my front yard. Jimmy Carter in a thong. Jizzing a pool of black liquid into your lover's eyes. Joe the cactus. Just checking in. Just fuckin' laughing. Just getting the job done. Just going for a walk around the park. Just sobbing. Karate, the universal combat art form. Keeping your kid in school. Ketchup and vinegar stew. Killing anyone who steps foot on my property. Killing everyone in your vicinity. Killing my parents in a fit of rage. Killing, eating, drinking, and otherwise enjoying life. Kim Kardashian, but with spider legs. Krispy Kreme Doughnuts. Laughing all the way to the bank. Laughing at coworkers because your brain is cancerous and needs to be removed. Laughing hysterically while my partner pours coﬀee into my eyes. Laundry there won't be enough room for. Laying a lifetime of burdens on young children. Laying in the sun, dead-eyed and sad. Leaking nuclear secrets. Learning how to read once and not looking back. Learning skills that will help you land a real job one day. Learning to accept oneself. Learning to survive in the depths of oblivion. Leaving a trail of grief wherever you go. Leaving one child standing. Leaving your lover in Albuquerque for good. Legally buying and selling pizza. Legally drinking alcohol. Letting your son enjoy a steamy threesome. Licking jizz oﬀ of Ewoks. Licking lettuce to feel the juicy greenery beneath your fingers. Licking more carrots than I'd care to admit. Licking my chaps like a champ. Licking nuts oﬀ the floor. Licking your teeth so hard you lose your gums. Little Timmy's stubborn refusal to go outside. Long, white fingers. Long-distance anal sex. Looking good, feeling good, doing good. Losing my daughter to heroin. Losing my left arm in combat. Losing my leg to a roadside bomb. Losing my son at 31. Losing my son at sea. Losing my wife at Target. Lots of boob. Love that's in the air. Luigi's presence. Lyme disease. Machine guns blazing. Making a poop. Making popcorn. Making sure your dog knows how much you love him. Making war. Malnutrition. Malt liquor diarrhea. Man, those shoes. Marco Rubio's claws. Marriage equality. Maybe some horseradish in there somewhere. Meat-stroking. Mega golf. Men with tails. Merry old times! Mexican money. Military-style pants that can only be purchased by members of the armed services. Milking the beast. Moist finger syndrome. Moist, creamy cheeks. Moist, milk-like eyes. Mom's creamy thighs. Mom's terrifying body odor. More beautiful women than me. More olives than you could possibly understand. More puppies than cats. More than enough eggs. More than enough red meat for today. More "salad dressing", if you will. Mother's primal need to be loved. Mouth noises. Mr. Blume's incredible mullet. Mr. Froot, the hairy old goat. Mr. Poop. Multiple boyfriends, all the same guy. Murdering an intruder. Mustard on toast. My 33 million fans. My God, the cramps! My bedazzled, gold-furred children. My behavior. My body, my choice. My brother masturbating in the garage. My chocolate wife's chocolate pussy. My dad losing his shit over football. My dad's dietitian. My dad's low-fat, plant-based diet. My dad's terrible teeth. My dang favorite pornstar! My dead twin. My deepest condolences. My diaper. My dildo addiction. My disgusting, pot-bellied boy. My disgusting, underwhelming oﬀspring. My dreams, your nightmares. My employer. My entire town being invaded by dog-people. My extensive sexual resumé. My father cutting oﬀ all contact. My first love and her sex moans. My full balls. My girlfriend, the only one who'll have sex with me. My girlfriend's husband. My girlfriend's mom's huge boobs. My great-geat-geat-grandmother. My great-great-grandmother. My hands getting so wet, I have to go to bed. My husband's best friend, Jonathan. My husband's extended family. My husband's newfound disdain for socks. My husband's sexuality. My husband's shitty sense of humor. My husband's terrible parents who cheat on him all the time. My job as your wife. My large, floppy penis. My life story. My little sister's deathbed confession. My love for brunch. My new friend, the contraceptive pill.