PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 To Albatros, who left me with broken dreams and burnt pages Cover by @vividlyblue Translated by @Series_Mil from the Spanish version PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 beginning of the journey Whoever takes the road to self-knowledge, expects it to be a hard and difficult journey to overcome and accept. Your past, your present, your friends, everything you've done and what you don't define who you are. But you've never asked yourself this question: "Who am I?" Is being loved by everyone the most important thing, or loving yourself? Those who loved me, did they really love me or did they love what they saw reflected of themselves in myself? And those who disliked me, was it me that they didn't love, or the fears within themselves? Slowly, those questions begin to be obvious, once you have decided to find yourself. It is the most complicated question in the world: "who am I?" And it's necessary for us to pass all these tests, to get to the truth. And the truth is far from being a revelation that will make us exclaim: "so this is the person I am! This is the meaning of my life!" Maybe the truth we face when we reach our destination is another question mark. A giant question mark at the end of the road. But at least we know the rest. PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 PARIS A RAINY DAY IN PARIS "When I looked into his eyes, I realized I could never part from him" The Italian businessman asked where we met. We both stayed silent. Then we answered at the same time. I said Kayseri, he said Paris. And then, he told the most romantic anecdote that had never really happened. A rainy day in Paris. "Rain. It started to rain suddenly.” "An incredible rain in Paris." “It rains often in Paris. At that time I was passing in front of a movie theatre.” "He loves movies." "You can tell he loves art." "True". “I went to the movies and stood in line to buy tickets, next to a girl who was in front of me. She smelt incredible. The most wonderful perfume I had smelled in my life. It was dark, of course, she had her back to me, so I couldn't see her. I was so nervous that I couldn't even move. And then, she slowly turned her face to me. I looked at her. Sanem." When I looked into his eyes, I realized that I could never part from him. PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 the eyes on our heart Our eyes fool us most of the time. The truth can be very agile and deceive us. Our eyes see only what they want to see and forget what they want to deny. The difference between seeing and looking is what brings us to the truth. Therefore, things only makes sense when we look with the eyes on our hearts. The eyes on our heart show us what lays behind what we see. They show us that we're wrong. They tell us: "what you see is not real" "what you hear is not real". What you feel is real. Believe in what your heart tells you. Follow your heart. And him leaving me never goes away from before my eyes. The last time my eyes were able to see him, it hurt so much. I couldn't see beyond my tears. So I sat down. Waiting for his return. Until my heart turned into a rock. And my eyes hurt even more. PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 hours, days, months Slowly, I became the girl in the story of the bride who couldn't stop crying, waiting for her captain to return. He said he would never leave me. Never, he said. But now he's not here, walked out of my life forever. It took me a couple of minutes to run after him, a couple of minutes to recover from my anger, my pain and my confusion and go after him. But I lost him in those two of minutes. He abandoned me and my life, forever. If he had waited for me, if he had kept his promise and hadn't left, if he had given me those two minutes to come back to my senses. I would have begged him not to leave. I was told he had sailed away. For good. I waited for hours, days, months. I waited on the rocks that we said were cursed, on the shores that we used to walk together, on the beaches where we kissed, fished and took pictures of the two of us. PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 AN UNFINISHED POEM Every night, for months, when I went to sleep, I asked myself the same question: What did I do wrong? What kind of mistake I made? I kept coming back to the day he left. Time and space are lost. Only him and his words remain. Did I let him slip through my fingers? Did he decide to leave? I wrote a 1001 scenarios, each of them different. I asked him to leave. He left. I asked him to stay. He left. I didn't trust him. He left. I trusted him. He left. All scenarios ended the same way: "he left." He left and left nothing behind him. A poem that remains unfinished. He's my other half. The fire in my heart, the question in my mind, the butterfly in my stomach. How can you be chained to the place you belong to? With such a link that you can never give up. PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 BY THE FIRE “Simurg was the king of all the birds. He knew everything. But for many years, no one had ever seen him. And so the birds lost hope. One day, in a distant country, a phoenix feather was found. So all the birds in the world flew to the mountains of Kal to search for him. There were several tests along the way. One bird for hunger, another for fatigue and a third because he lost hope, they all gave up and went back. Others just disappeared. Only 9 birds remained. The path they had to walk was the one made of their own truth. Through this path, they'll reach it.” "And the fire?" “The phoenix is born again every day. How many times would he burn? How many wounds would he get? But everytime, he gets up and starts again.” "Like you". PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 01 VALLEY OF FAITH FEELINGS "Even if we don't believe in fairy tales..." The birds begin to pass the Valley of Faith. At this moment, they don't believe in anything. Only in what they see. But the thing is, they could believe without seeing. Without understanding. Without knowing. Because the feelings that rules all of us, the ones that make us who we are, we don't see them, we don't touch them. But we still believe in them. Even if we don't believe in fairy tales, it's as if they were true. In the most miserable and hopeless moment of our life, a word, a look, a caress, can be the medicine that cures all of our sickness. The birds will not overcome this valley unless they begin to believe. Otherwise, they will be trapped in there for eternity. Afraid to go back and afraid to move on. Until they begin to believe in their feelings. PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 02 valley of struggle “After the Valley of Faith, the birds moved into the Valley of Struggle. They got there to face their deepest issues and problems. This pain is much greater than any physical pain. A broken heart. Those who could not reach the depths of their heart, would stay forever or disappear. Some saw loneliness in the depths of their heart, some saw that they had been unfair, and some saw hundreds of words that they had never said and were solidified and stuck in their heart. The birds that were able to cross this valley experienced great pain. But it was worth it to be able to know yourself, face yourself and thus continue the journey knowing what the most precious thing in your life is.” PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 03 VALLEY OF TRUST THE WIND FOR HIS WINDS "They needed to trust each other to pass the test". The rest of the birds arrived to the Valley of Trust. Either they passed this test together, or they would disappear. They needed to trust each other to pass the test. And also trust themselves. After everything he had gone through, it was very difficult. He was wild. Lonely, had no one to talk to. With a broken heart, the wings forgot the wind. Who would help him to fly? Where could he find his strength again? And it turns out, that if waiting for him, maybe he could see it. The wind for his wings. The solution to his problems. But he didn't turn to look. PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 04 valley of commitment The birds were now flying through the Valley of Commitment. When flying through the previous valleys, they were more enthusiastic. But this time, the flapping of their wings has a special and much deeper meaning. The Valley of Commitment put the two souls within one body, and the two bodies merged as one spirit. Now, wherever they go, they know they'll never be apart. There is no reason or issue that can break their connection. Two souls joined by invisible threads, linking each other with more force than any steel. Time and space mean nothing to the birds that have passed this test. From now on, they live only in the present. For thousands of moments together. PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 05 VALLEY OF DENIAL THAT SOUVENIR OF THE LOVED ONE "Even if we deny it, our eyes always tell the truth" Now the birds are in the Valley of Denial. They fly over the valley, constantly denying everything: what they love, what they can't forget, the mistakes they made. Regret. How easy, or not, is it to deny the courage for regret? But even if we deny it, our eyes tell the truth. Our behavior gives us away. We deny it, we say we have forgiven. But that object that once belonged to him, may now hold the meaning of life. We're willing to give our lives to protect it. That souvenir of the loved one, which we always carry with us. Going around in the Valley of Denial, denying that you love with all your heart. And denying the fact that you cannot exist without him. Until we renounce and leave behind denial, we cannot cross the valley. PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 06 VALLEY OF SEARCH This valley is the most mysterious of all. You can't stay in this valley, you must go through it. Those who are slaves to their desires, and those who are not. Isn't man always struggling with his desires, anyway? I choose the path of losing myself in my desires. Dreams, wishes, caresses. I leave myself in the hands of the aromas. It is said that desire is the enemy of the soul, because it traps the soul in its own hands. Let desire keep us trapped in his hands. Let our bodies speak at least once, let logic stay mute... Let the whole world remain silent at that moment when we look at each other, we touch each other. Let our bodies come together like a tree, carrying water through its roots. Actually, when has the mind been able to deal with the heart? What kind of logic can slow a crazy heartbeat? My heart craves it like crazy. My body beats for him. Tell me, who, except myself, is going to stop me? PHOENIX AND ALBATROSS // AUGUST 2019 I WAS HIS AND HE WAS MINE ONLY HIM "He was my reason for existing, my soul, the blood in my veins" And I said: "There's no single word left inside me." Because the truth was, words were not necessary. I was his and he was mine. He was my whole world. In the sound of the waves, in the shadows on the street, in the starlight, in the beauty of the flowers, I saw him. Only him. He was my reason for existing, my soul, the blood in my veins. It was every beat of my heart. And it should have been the last. There were no words to say. Because he was all the words. His name. Only him. "Happy ending, Sanem?" "This has just started, Can"