Neut to Neun A Transneutral Guide Introduction My experience with transness has been everchanging and has evolved from masculine lesbian to transmasc butch to trans neun in the span of 6-7 years, but I only started medically transitioning two years ago, and I believe that the lack of education on who I could have been at the time of pivotal development shaped how I am changing myself now, and why it took me so long to accept my transneutrality. I had thought that I needed to join lesbian circles, forget my dysphoria over my body and revert to only dating women when I was younger because it meant I was loved by others. Being cis, being accepted, was important to me because I didn't have to question if others would like me if I was different. I dreamed of another me to be the opposite gender, drew myself as two halves of one, and to ind enjoyment with being a man and a woman in a female body, because I was accepted this way. I was accepted as a dreamer, not a transitioner, and so when I started to express forms of nonbinarity and othered gendered feelings, I was cast out and declined access because it meant that I was no longer a cis woman but instead, a gender traitor. I chose gender as a social construct, a tool famously known by radfems to oppress women. When I had put a name to what I was experiencing, I would always fail to keep them for long because the nonbinary language went unused or misused. I was then less likely to identify with something that refused to it on me, and I abandoned those terms to ind better itting ones. Two years ago, I medically transitioned female to unisex, FTX. Every day of my life before that was spent wishing I could be physically and hormonally a mix of nonhuman characteristics, reading how to wear packers and harnesses, and spending cash on things that didn't help me feel more comfortable in my own skin... and the entire time I was doing this, I was looking in the wrong spaces. I was always invested in looking at transfem spaces for inspiration and transmasc guides for lattening my chest, but I realized all that I was looking for was a guide on how to be neutral. How to be androgynous, how to be unisex, how to present neutrally without presenting like a man. Without being masculine or feminine. Over time, I realized that the other guides for neutrality this forced me to slim down, forced me to be alien, forced me into masculinity masked as androgyny. I could never ind the right nonbinary video, because our experiences are overshadowed and lost, and every article on topic of nonbinarity never lets us speak - and our guides do not exist because we have mistaken our umbrella term for a catch-all term and we have binarized our experiences for the sake of palatability. I wanted to know what kinds of nonbinary surgery existed, what kinds of exclusive spaces we had, and what things we could create just for nonbinary people without having to reduce ourselves once more. I was looking for a middle ground away from transfem and transmasc, a place where I could be both without being binary or in the middle, while also being neutral as a whole. I wanted a transneutral guide on transness, because any other one would succumb to gender binarization. Where are the neolabels? The xenoterms? The othering, dehumanizing terminology? Where are the things that make nonbinarity - outside the binary - and not just different types of binary genders? I am Azriel Pierce, an indie author of over 10 books and a unisex trans neun (ziy/hir). This guide is inspired by Be Yourself , Regardless : The Transfemme Field Guide and will discuss similar topics, introduce and propose new language, and will go into detail about neunhood as a concept. Because of the topic, this guide will focus and speci ically talk about nonbinary people and transneutral people. I am not an expert so I will not be talking about transmasc or transfem people, including transfem enbies and transmasc enbies, as I have no experience on the matter. So when I say nonbinary, I am talking about those with presentations and bodies and forms and identities that do not relate/apply/function as a one singular binary gender or expression. As such, this guide can apply to anyone who is bigender but might not be helpful to those who are transmasc women. If that makes sense, I want to start with the irst chapter... Glossary The language I will be using here will need to be described before I can actually begin the book. I have noticed in conversation that I have different de initions of my experience than others, and that is ine, but when speaking on neunhood, certain words mean.. certain things. For me, nonbinary is a gender modality (under the umbrella of transgender) de ining when something is outside of the Western settler gender binary of male/man and female/woman. This settler gender binary, when spread onto other cultures with their own binary, causes binarism - a form of assimilation that structurally changes the way a ethnic culture of people experience their gender identity unique to their people, replaced by expectations of Western whiteness of both man and woman. The people who live their lives as nonbinary, and therefore suffer from exorsexism, are people I have named unbier . This term is to be used alongside enban and enby. I am a neun, speci ically a trans neun. A neun is a nullary gender comprised of adults on any spectrum of intelligence/species who are usually nullsexed, neutral in gender, and of any gender modality (trans, cis, nonbinary). Neuts are young/neutral gendered kids. I transitioned towards neunhood because my neuthood was barely present and outright denied by the binary, not because I wasn't a neut before transitioning. Neo-assignments are terms and labels that replace the ones given to someone at birth, like the X marker on passports and certi icates. The entire purpose of them is to allow for a nonbinary person to be legally recognized as other than the female or male sexes, and neo-assignments are just that. They are usually referred to as Neo-AGABs, but due to how AGAB is actually used in society, assignments work to describe them. Me choosing to refer to myself as unisex instead of female despite the F marker is me choosing a neo-assignment, and planning to get a corresponding marker (X) to replace the F with. H-names, also called hard names, is the type of terminology that is preferred by an unbiern in a relationship or in bed. Because pet names and dating terminology is still binary, things like baby boy, good girl, and -friend are still used for unbiern, even if they do have alternatives. Common gender neutral ones are direct like sweetie, honey, love, or animal names, but some things invented by the unbiern are better. S-names are soft names, terminology that unbiern might not explicitly like or dislike, but is usable in the case where other terms are hard to pronounce due to language barriers or speech. Since nonbinarity does not concern itself with AGAB, language here will shift towards mullerian and wolf ian sex traits. These sex traits change throughout life and do not indicate sex identity or category or gender - they refer to what body parts you have developed, currently have, or used to have. Intersex people are not included under wolf ian or mullerian as those terms are dyadic and intersex is a term that refers to 40+ variations in sex hormones, chromosomes, traits, etc. Mullerian and Wolf ian are terms that refer to the development of both ducts in your body, with mullerian as the development of a uterus, vagina, and ovaries with smaller wolf ian ducts while wolf ian being the development of a penis, testis, and a prostate with small mullerian ducts. This language is used not to replace AGAB or female/male but to discuss the groupings of dyadic sex traits without claiming that sex identity and sex traits are the same thing. My sex identity is unisex but my sex traits are mullerian, and I am categorized by society as a female. All these three things do not contradict each other as all exist physically on different levels. Lastly, I want to coin a term. Enbanine. Enby is a term meaning a younger enban or nonbinary child. Enban is a term referring to a person or being that has nonbinarity, and is not a term that is opposite to enby but rather akin to person or living being, a word used when age is not important/relevant/known. Unbier, my coined term, means an older enban or nonbinary adult. As such, enbanine in this case would be the speci ic, nonbinary presentation of an enban, as long as it is not strictly feminine or masculine. An androgynous enban then, would be enbanine. A enbyfeminine unbier would be enbanine. A transmasculine enby would not. Am I Nonbinary? Am I nonbinary? I don't know, are you? Don't ask me??? Nonbinary means so many different things to so many people, and letting me judge you is not how you grow. If you picture nonbinary people inding out they're nonbinary by being GNC, not aligning with the gender binary, or a kid who wants to be feminine instead of masculine - you're picturing it wrong. While those cases do happen, you cannot immediately identify an enban and in that one de ining feature, the enban losses a sense of community. We do not know who is or isn't nonbinary ourselves and so communication is key in safe spaces. I was envisioning myself as the masculine in the relationship and thought that a version of me that is not a woman would come forth and showcase itself towards my partners, doing the hard part for me, and then I would return to womanhood when it was over. From looking at me, you would assume I am just another she/her butch lesbian but when I take my mask off, when I show them my voice, I am suddenly a he/him fat man. When I was irst questioning (around High School), I went by they/them and he/him, but did not stop people from using she/her if they wanted to. It made sense to me, give students the bene it of the doubt around a classmate, but looking back at it - I saw how many people respected a transmasc friend over my pronouns. Within the chasms, there is the idea that nonbinary is a precursor for transbinary experiences, and I would like to say it just isn't true. Nonbinarity is its own separate thing from the binary and does not wish to replace it or be a stepping stone towards it, and I have felt that way once as well. I had thought that the fad would be over once I got my irst packer and wore it around but I soon felt.. nauseous wearing it. It was not the material or the idea of a penis on me but the fact that I had any genitalia to begin with. Packing made me aware of the fact that I now had two sets of sexes in my pants, heightening my dysphoria. This could mean literally anything, but instead of shouting "I'm not really nonbinary!!!", I sat myself down and came to the realization that while I like packers and I enjoy collecting them and wearing them as straps or roleplay, I have no interest in actually getting phalloplasty nor keeping my mullerian traits. This was not a rejection of transness but rather a rejection of a body trait. If I remember correctly, I started expressing forms of gender offset around 7-10 years ago. This offset was caused by the fact that I was in online circles at the time and my own personal experiences with being physically different from other girls. I was bigger, slightly taller, played with the boys, and never really enjoyed girly girl things. I had thought that being a tomboy at a young age was enough but I soon understood that, as I was growing, so was my body. It is normal for girls to have distress surrounding their changes, but me? I was attempting to hide as fast as possible. I hid my fat, my chest - and on days where I wanted to be feminine, I was booed and called ugly for it. I was too big to be a girly girl and too boyish anyway. Once the years of High School hit, I had no other choice but to accept my growing body, I had realized that some people were publicly out as trans in school. When I saw the trans girls there I felt jealous of the fact that they were accepted into the girl's bathroom, but I was barred from the boy's when people were inside. It wasn't because she had more privileges but because she had a group of people with her at all times to defend and help her if there was trouble - but for someone like me? There was no one. I am nonbinary not because I am not aligned to what I was born but because I do not choose or have the ability to remain within the oppositional synergy of MTF and FTM. I am FTX, and there is no rulebook on iguring this out. You just do one day. Life Changes When I came out to my mom that I wanted to use a different/shortened name, she mocked me relentlessly for it. She mocked the use of they/them as well. She would say my legal name and then say "I mean X", and when I corrected her on pronouns she would say "they/she/he/it, whatever you are." She would do this in front of other people and family too. In the school system, I was known as X (placeholder) and they would refer to me as such because the school was fairly transbinary inclusive, and they thought me transmasc. I was questioned about it by classmates, but they mostly understood it well enough, but not well enough to not misgender me on a daily basis. For months. I made the mistake of letting people control who called me what and I lost the battle real quick by laughing the stress off. You will have to speak up for yourself, you cannot let your voice die down, because that is exactly how I ended up detransitioning for a few months at one point, thinking that I would just be happier as a cis woman and get used to it. I did not. Depending on your visible sex traits, you may be judged differently, and that frustrates most enbans who do not wish to be acknowledged for it but instead for who you are as a person. Seeing someone with darker facial hair, long dyed hair, and supposedly mullerian traits that has a lighter voice could mean that they are intersex, transmasc, nonbinary, or any other gender. But someone like that will be judged by society and treated accordingly to what they see and focus on. Said person could be perceived as male and would deal with the staring, the stalking, and the physical confrontment of their identity with purposeful misgendering, hateful speech, or nasty after comments. Said person could be perceived as female and deal with belittling, unwanted commentary, intentional malgendering, and public shaming by others. Other unbiern that I talk to have noticed this as well, where depending on their presentation or traits, they are treated as said binary category and said misogyny and sexism will affect them according to how they are perceived. I have a friend with hyperandrogenism who is perceived as a man from afar, is hairy, and has medical problems surrounding her sex traits, and the treatment she gets is entirely based upon what she looks like - which is often a skinny, black, tomboy. I have had my appearance mocked before, and while af irming that I look like a boy with masculine features and shorter hair is nice, I shouldn't forget that the nature of the comment was in response to me "no longer being a girl", that I "want to be a boy", and said person who said it is now keeping me at an arms length because of my supposed masculinity. Using that against me and then choosing to distance yourself is not af irmation, and no one should have to go through that. I have learned to expect that people will see my chest size and assume that I am a woman and I have expected that my voice will not convince them, and I am afraid that I will never actually be seen - but I know it well that the day's coming. Cosmetics Experimenting with different features, body mods, hair, beard styles, etc., this is what I call cosmetics. If you want hair growth, you're looking at a multitude of different products that may help, but my personal journey involves a bottle of minoxidil and Well's Oil beard growth serum, which has given me the chin hair whiskers I have now. For the plethora of nonbinary presentations, I have mostly seen androgynous ones, and like an androgyne myself I can say that most of those do not actually work for me. Depending on your facial structure, certain hair styles or mods will completely alter the way your face is perceived and that of course applies to me. With shorter hair, my face is rounder and my forehead is smaller - but longer hair on me forces my features to repress a little. Changes to your hair (+ body hair) ultimately depends on whether or not you have higher amounts of androgens or estrogens in your body, as testosterone increases hair and bottom growth but also thins it quicker, leading to bald spots. While you can always grow more, erasure of that growth once you have higher androgens gets near impossible without laser hair removal or DHT-blockers. These blockers stop DHT, which is a growth hormone that develops wolf ian sex traits, but can also lead to male pattern baldness in adulthood. Some supplements regarding androgens can cost over $50, are controlled, or require a prescription to access, and that makes it harder to actually afford. From my time in xenogender circles, I have noticed peaking interest in body mods that allow for animalistic or nonhuman styles of gendered presentation. Tattoos of belly nips or real silicone nipples being attached to the stomach is common, speci ically for transspecies people. In the server that I run there is one person there who had gotten subdermal implants beneath the skin, and online, I had seen another canid who had gotten tattoos resembling them. Both had said that it was related to their species identity but also their expression towards gender. Allowing yourself to explore outside the box rather than succumb to what is and isn't "gendered expression" will ultimately allow you to accept what you are willing to do to your body cosmetics wise. These surgeries and tattoos are not just things onto you, they are things etched into your skin, your body, your presentation - and if shown, they physically impact your life. At one point in time, I had used the term transspecies to refer to myself. While I still want body mods, I had at irst thought that I could live with myself if I chose to get a unicorn horn implant. This presentation would be one that would wildly change my appearance, my con idence, and how others interact with me outside of my home - forcing them to come to terms with who and what I am - but I backed out on it only because it soon stopped aligning with my sense of gender and started to become something that I wasn't sure of. Did I want these mods because of gender or did I want them to spite people? Would I be happy just having them or would I have to continue to suffer? I didn't want to be seen, I wanted to be accepted as my gender expression, and I've honestly come around to saying that I am now willing to have a non-human gender expression that is fully androgynous, and that one day I may get those horns, but not to spite people but to love my own body. Right now, I am experimenting with colors and concepts, and when I am ready, I'll pursue bigger cosmetic changes. When it comes to things like makeup, I can't say I am a natural, but I can say that I have done costuming and I have done silicone additions for Halloween before. That's the length of my experience. I have never been a girly girl, nor have I been a feminine boy, or this or that, so what I can tell you is that if you are going for looks that match your gender, go for something comfortable. Someone who is bigender between stargender and gender lor may have to mix the two parts or choose one when doing makeup, add little acknowledgements of the other to their out it. Full face costuming has always been one way to shape your face, and I can almost never tell the difference between man and woman when they do shaping makeup. Looking up androgynous or gender neutral makeup on video sharing websites does work, as does looking up speci ic parts of xenic expressions like "star" or "dog", either including Halloween in the search for accuracy or not. Use proper cleaning supplies, get real makeup, and do not use the Halloween sets, and it does not need to be name brand. If you are looking to use silicone additions, get them from Etsy or a trusted seller. I have seen so many beautiful silicone dog noses you can attach yourself and cover up with skin matching makeup - all it takes is a little bit of cash. If you have ended up in the same cycle as I have (as in trying your best to look, dress, and act gender neutral, being gendered by strangers, and then attempting to fall back onto binary presentations), do not see your behavior as a lack of nonbinarity, a lack of ability to be gender neutral, or absolute failure. I am never perfect in my androgyny, and no one can be, that is the truth. There are different levels of androgyny and no one can ever meet all of them. Allowing yourself grace in a time where you lack a lot of it from others around you is important. A devilgendered unbier can leave the house in shaping makeup, presentation, and look like a gender neutral demon with horn implants and a tail to match, but if someone just chooses to, they could very well misgender, harass, and belittle them for their gendered expression. It has nothing to do with how well you pass, but everything to do with how people refuse to see your efforts to be who you are In the end, you do not need makeup to shape you nor do you need cosmetics to form your gender presentation, but many people do wish to have these things and they do want to have the ability to pass as their gender in their own way. Clothing and Presentation Chances are, you don't have any clothes that represent who you are, nor do you have any unisex/neutral clothing. Since my primary focus is with those who are not swaying towards one or the other binary presentations/genders, I am going to try and make this as detailed as possible. If you are early in your transition, do not rush to ind clothes that match your gender. It will either not happen, or you will run yourself into the ground with ridiculous pricing. I recommend thrifting for clothes and shoes and also, if it matches your gender, do not be afraid to wear costumes or parts of costumes. Gender is one big cosplay event, and joining in can't hurt. For neutrality, I often ind myself wearing loose button-down shirts or sweaters that fall off my chest/have patterns that obscure de initions in the shaping. Oversized shirts with a jacket or coat also work for this. If you are looking to draw attention away from an androgenized face, wear round/small glasses that don't have medicine in the lenses, or have charms/large jewelry in your ears or around the neck. Patterns are your friend. Actively look for clothes with patterns on them, speci ically with colors like black, blue, white, and brown. For the most part, if you are neutral, go for a loose shirt-baggy pants situation, as I have a 70% chance of being mistaken for a man (not good) but at least i am not mistaken for a woman (also not good). After all, clothes do not equal gender, but it would be great to have some form of gender expansiveness in terms of fashion. The best thing I have to offer are things that are worn by both genders or niche subgroups like scene kids, emos, and cosplayers - which very well might be your style. At times, I will wear something that is considered feminine like a frilly top and a large skirt, but will top it with heavy duty boots, short hair, and a thick jacket. The rest of my presentation, like jewelry, voice, and behavior can confuse people who ask what my gender is. Now, I want to discuss clothing that I deem to be enbanine. My recommendation? Go get you any type of shawl, drape, or shoulder cape. Get some high/knee socks and match with boots, shoes, or heels. If you get tall pants, get a short button up top and throw a coat over your shoulders. Incorporate gender neutral Victorian/Gothic/Ouji fashion into your everyday. My biggest mistake was never touching any frilled tops or draped pants under 2 years later into my transition, as I believe that clothing in a historical lenses of the past has always been a bit more gender neutral in regards to who is wearing it and what with. A ruf led top that goes with high waist pants and gold chained jewelry works because it just does! For prom in Highschool, I didn't want to wear a dress or a suit. I instead came with a shoulder cape and a black, laced one piece that only showed my arms, neck, and head. I was probably 23 pounds heavier, so I'd say it would still it me, and it was pretty androgynous too because my hair was cut down to a buzz with a line up and design. Another thing; if in doubt, wear rags. I mean it, put on things that make you look like a forest dwelling herbalist gnome. Grunge. Forestcore shit. Find some seller on Etsy that does fae clothing for renaissance fairs or cosplays and ask them up front what is the most nonbinary/gender neutral clothing they have in store. Everyone wants to be from a fantasy, but only enbans pull it off, trust me. My current main style is similar to this, but I tend to lean more into a messy dark academia look. Big collared sweater, shirt over it, baggy pants, jewelry if able, and boots or sneakers. I will also sometimes carry around a book or a bag, and as for a hat? I try to stay away from them unless they don't mess with my hair like a ushanka or another satin-lined hat. If willing to wear something tight, I would say that if you want to tuck... tuck. Things like skinny jeans, leggings, and certain colors like grey can and will reveal shadows. Combating it is simple, because you can wear an XXL top that goes over your hips, or pair it with a long skirt. If you would enjoy the bulge, do the opposite and wear a short top to draw attention to the area. One thing that I do when packing is make sure that I can cover the bulge whenever, and that means having a long coat or jacket with me. I do not want to be seen in public shifting my silicone around or in the bathroom mirror trying to see if people notice it moving. For tucking, there is no guarantee that it'll work depending on size and what you get to hide it, but most people who are tucking are doing so to avoid having people see their junk. I personally would attempt something comfortable like using tucking underwear (or any tight underwear) and pulling it all back between the thighs, or all the way forth so the waist band keeps it still. When packing, it isn't about people seeing it but the feeling of it being there, and it's easy to forget that you have a packer until you go to piss and it falls out of your pants. Harness that shit, no matter what. DIY a harness out of panties you don't want, or buy a jockstrap, a silicone ring, cut and sew until the shaft sits in the ring right. If you are dysphoric about a certain thing, like your shoulders, breasts, or lack there of, focus on clothing made speci ically for that reason or modify your clothes! DIY that shit. Add shoulder pads in your t-shirts and wear a jacket over it. Put stuf ing or bra pads in your bra. Get some silicone prosthetics for your skin, no one cares if you wear the packer or put on the tits once in a while. Hell, you can go on Etsy right now and look up silicone prosthetic, ind something elven related, and live your elfgender dreams. All of the above can also apply to intersex enban depending on their other traits. An intersex person with a penis can very well rock the leggings look, but again, depends on size. I'd say the same advice if you as an intersex person would rather not be bothered for having sex traits at all, or just want to tuck. As a reminder, intersex is not a handful of sex traits but a conglomerate term for over 40 variations in hormones, sex traits, chromosomes, and more. Intersex is not a third sex, an entirely new set of bodies, or a pair of tits with a dick. Some intersex people look dyadic because their traits are chromosomal, and that is OKAY. So, for intersex people in general, feel free to modify any of these tips and tricks to work for you and your body. Neo-Assignments I've been there. Wanting to just say "fuck it, I'm female" and succumb to the Western binary's sex categorization. But hey, you literally do not have to in life. That is not necessary. Neo-assignments exist for this exact purpose. You see, sex identity, sex categorization, and sex traits are all three different units that make up how someone or something describes the body. Your sex identity is what language you choose to describe the intersection between your gender and sex traits, your sex traits are things your body keeps/has, and your sex category is a categorization event that happened to you at birth. For an intersex person, the sex identity could be intersex (not all people with intersex traits call themselves intersex), the sex traits are intersex, and the sex categorization is usually male or female (sometimes also intersex or I). If I was a cis woman I would be a female with mullerian traits who was assigned female at birth. Usually, we shorten this down to AFAB woman, but the AGAB terms measure an event that happened to you - not a label to be used as an identity. AGAB is not who you are. Therefore, neo-assignments. They are used to measure the sex identity instead, allowing for a plethora of descriptions. One day, I am hoping that my sex is described as "unisex with nulli ied traits who was assigned female at birth." How I came to the conclusion on what I wanted and how I wanted my body to look took forever, you do not need to know what surgery you want or what people should call you right away when you crack. It's impossible unless you've been hiding for some time. But at least for me, I didn't call myself unisex until a month ago? Two months ago? I was initially surprised that no one had coined anything in relation to queerness, so I did, and I felt happier than ever. Intersecting that with my trans neunhood, I then knew that my journey towards a nullectomy was the one for me. While I am sure that there are so many nonbinary people out there who genuinely do not care and do not want to relate to sex at all, there are ways to legitimately erase all of that and one way is by choosing a neo-assignment and choosing to step out and choosing to go on HRT and choosing to get body mods and surgery because it means you are physically altered from what you once were - and you recognize this change as something that had fundamentally changed you And if it has fundamentally changed you , it has fundamentally changed your identity . No pressure though. Communication of Nonbinarity Some hard truths for enbans. In a cissexist, dyadist society that considers the bene it of binary cis and trans people over those who do not conform, you can't truly pass through nonbinarity. And if so, said society must be modi ied by the mere existence of nonbinary people. I cannot give passing advice nor can I claim that you can't pass at all, but you just can never truly pass as nonbinary How you interact with the world will forever be tainted by the closeted, binarized enby you once were. You will get people who assume your gender, you will get people who think you look binary trans, you will get people who make jokes around you about nonbinary people, and then you will ind some nonbinary people who look cis. You too will begin to assume and at that point, you as well have lost the plot. The act of assuming becomes what you hate the most, but your most favorable card to play. I try my best not to do it, but I know deep down that I also assume the identity of others, and I do look at the people who come through my job and I do try to lash my trans lanyard by messing with it and I do try to see if they get it or not without asking outright. I try not to assume transness or nonbinarity but I still do because it signi ies my lack of concrete community. I am scared to clock anyone because that then opens them up to a can of worms about themselves. A trans woman who is passing just ine until someone decides to say something and ask if she is trans will absolutely feel that insecurity deep down. I have to be mindful of that. So when you cannot be clocked as nonbinary, when you cannot pass as nonbinary, and when you are assumed to be cisgender - you are never visible. You are always invisible. Without that sense of visibility, you don't really have a concrete community because you are binarized. The lack of community comes with the lack of resources, the lack of studies, the lack of safety. At home, there are a variety of weapons for self defense that I have, and at times, I attempt to bring the smallest thing possible, like pepper spray. I have, however, wanted to try a sword or dagger in a holster. For the state I live in, I can carry around a long dagger as long as it is sheathed in a holster. Speci ic laws regarding swords do not exist here, and so I use my better judgement. The usual ornament or jewelry as a defensive weapon, like a long hairpin, fake keys, or tools, can work as well and it is what I have been defaulting to when out in public. Because of my appearance - large, neutral-faced, neutrally dressed - I am often outright avoided or deemed either a man, then a threat. I know this because people have said it to my face. "You look like a man." "You look scary/mad when you don't smile." "You want to be a man." "Why can't you just be a lesbian like your cousin?" "No one will call you that, you know that?" "Is that for your two boys?" "You look angry with someone." Since starting DHEA, I have had a deeper voice, more body hair, and my periods have lessened in length. No one holds the door for me anymore, I am barely called any honori ics, and now more often than not, I am given stranger looks and people are aggressive with me. Its not just the HRT that changes you, its the life in a different context. I was always a closeted trans neut, and I know that's a stereotypical thing to say but I was never really a girl in a personal sense nor did I ever like to identify that way (only when imposter syndrome hit me did I pick up the label again for a bit and then say "yuck"). I was a gender neutral lesbian who didn't want to be placed in girl or boy, I was never binary growing up and actively chose the other option if given. The thing I was hiding behind was the fear of being outcast by the women and other girls and never accepted by the boys or men. So where would I sit? With my friends, all while trying nothing new. Letting them call me my deadname and misgender me, but whatever, I'll "grow out of nonbinary." I didn't have traditional girlhood growing up because I was taught very tight knit, and the only people I had ever been around were my family and my school friends - but only for school. Never any sleepovers, never anything. My father would be the one to scare them off away from his little "girl". I never experienced girlhood, I was always a neut. All my experiences come from someone who was openly gender neutral, the oddball of females, denying my place in the patriarchy at a young age, who was "allowed" by family to be openly trans in private but not around others, including them. I was not supposed to be trans, but I could be if I just shut up about it. No videos on it in public, mother did not want to hear about it. In the context of my life, there is no "redo," and I do not get a "second try at gender," this is my ONLY chance. I am an outsider to the experiences of boys and girls because I do not get their gendered struggles growing up, I was too busy reading and writing and learning mythology to gossip about the other. I was brushed off because I wouldn't get "it". No one saw me as a girl, they just expected me to be one in order to follow the systems in place, in order to get by and survive - I had to be a girl. I do not think, even at this moment, I am considered nonbinary by my family or extended family. I am just "X", a young black woman in America. And that might never change unless I do something about it, but them outright denying the fact that they will call me something other than my deadname despite how much distance I put between them and me for it. How much resentment I hold against them for just never asking what my deal was. Dismissing me whenever I made a comment about being dysphoric about my sex. I was called an intersexist slur by my family over it. Most of my online trans partners were reduced to female or male while I was open and close with them. I am not safe to be trans but I haven't been hurt for being trans by those who are related to me. Because they outright do not see my nonbinarity nor my transness as real. They think it's just a fad sickening me. Please. If you ever think that this is just a fad in your life, that you will grow out of it and that you will never be taken seriously - that it will not matter - to the point that you refuse to try out different things.. Do Not Give Up Do not end up like me and declare it as a fad for yourself, do not give them an inch to deny you or your history. Do not become binary for them, do not give them the satisfaction of becoming someone worth stepping over! Communicate to the world that you are nonbinary, that you are who you are, an do not let people convert you unless it is on your own terms. It does not matter that people will not see you as nonbinary or trans, what matters is that you stay alive. Do not give them an inch of yourself. Patriarchal men and women are going to treat you like an attention-seeker or a whore and will not ask your pronouns before assuming what you are. They will not ask what your gender is in a club before touching you. They will not ask how you want to be referred to when they are checking you out in a line, asking for your number, or walking alone. You are either one or the other, and no amount of lags will ward them away. Trust me, I have gone through this, and I have been preyed on by people who use my partner (who is a man) to assume that I am a straight cis woman. There is safety, but you have to ight like hell to get it, promise me. You should not succumb to these fears but rather learn how people will use your transition, your sex traits, and their bigotry to categorize you and choose for you. My experiences are very American, and so I can never touch on how others exist in other cultures and labels, but I know that even then many cultures have been forcefully binarized through binarism and sexism against their women in comparison to white women. Speak to other nonbinary people of different cultures, of different countries, and research if treatment of nonbinary people is the same there. All I can say is research, research, and hunt for nonbinary safe organizations and groups that will help. Also, if you have to.. Lie Lie about your gender, lie about why you want a certain surgery, lie about things related to your nonbinarity but do not make huge ibs that you can catch yourself in. Sometimes you do not need to lie but you do not need to specify or discuss that part of your life. Other times, you may just have to hide for your safety or comfort. It can last for a few days, or a month... Just remember, it doesn't have to be forever. Coming out and Validity I am lucky to have a few close friends, online people, and also a current partner who loves me enough to accept me. I have noticed that there are a lot of enban who just do not come out or reveal that they are nonbinary. Whether that is because they don't think there is a purpose or they can't, it still leaves a big gap. Most enban will say that people do not see it as a real thing so there's no point in it, but for me, I have always been loud and expressive. Know exactly who you are coming out to, and ask if they can keep a secret. My parents speak to each ot