The Warrah Falkland Islands Warrah House, Stanley, Falkland Islands - ThewarrahFI@gmail.com - Published as required IN SATVRA EST VERITAS Price £0:00 Issue 2 Misery continues twelve years after cocaine fiasco Numerous complaints have been doubled in price over the past 3 received by the RFIP about the months. harassment of walkers by Sea-lions and Seagulls “Cocaine Junkies” on the harbour appear to be the biggest perpetra- path between the Narrows and tors according to the chief vet, Seaman’s Mission. who also pointed out that a recent Much of the blame for this break-in at the Ag Department situation has been placed upon had resulted in the loss of a sub- the Police, but they insist they stantial amount of Ketamine. didn’t dump 23kg of cocaine into The Chief Medical Of- the harbour, but were merely in ficer, who after pulling up in a charge of it when it was “lost”. black Range Rover Overfinch This tragic event led to a with darkened windows, ex- crazed mussel snorting frenzy plained that the only way Co- back in 2008, but inevitably caine could be legally imported those higher up the food chain into the Islands was with a li- Theft causes play park closure eventually acquired the “habit”. cence issued by herself. The play park at St Mary’s Walk has been temporarily With the reduction in Police have advised the closed after thieves have been stripping the swings and South American flights and fish- public to ignore any pleas for ing vessel visits, the supply has money. “Giving these wretches slide of their weatherproof coverings. Head of Parks become extremely limited and money will go on drugs and and Gardens, Norman Foster, explained then when the these unfortunate souls are now eventually end up in the off-shore design was submitted, the instruction to make it a “gold forced to beg in order to raise accounts of those supplying -plated” facility was taken literally by the FIG Procure- enough to continue to buy the them.” Head of the RFIP ex- ment Department. scarce commodity which has plained and added “Just say no!” It didn’t take long for the expensive cladding to be spotted by a ruthless gang of toddlers who, whilst pretending to sleep soundly in their beds, were in fact plotting and carrying out the audacious raid. The same group is believed to be behind the great “Farley Rusk” robbery from the West Store. Mr Foster explained that although the original cost of the park had been grossly under-estimated, he still considered that it represented value for money in these days of Covid-19. He added “the park would reo- pen as soon as the contractors, Tiffany & Co had re- moved the remaining precious metal and replaced it with a lead-free paint of some sort.” Police continue to guard the area 24 hours a day in case any opportunistic ne’er-do-wells get any ideas. PWD refute claim they cause daily traffic jam The PWD Manager has flatly refused to accept that the daily rush-hour traffic on the Airport Road between Megabid and Stanley is caused by PWD staff driving home. “It couldn’t possibly be us.” he explained, “the really busy period is between 4.00 and 4:15pm and “that’s a good 15- 30mins before the end of shift.” The Warrah Dogs seek help “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated” once said Following a tirade of abuse “Bugger me, I’s glad I aint Mark Twain. And just like Mr Twain we are back like a Phoe- recently on Facebook, the no canine at the mo” said nix from the ashes. number of referrals to the volunteer helper Mr Mistof- dog’s welfare charity (FIDO) felees. “At times like this we Much of our time this week, which could have been bet- has increased by 250%. ter spent improving our satirical view of the Islands, has in- all gotta help!” he said whilst “We all know that dogs sniggering and added “What stead been filled with getting to know the wonderful people of are dirty vermin that don’t Menlo Park, California better. It is no fun spending hours try- would help is if dog faeces deserve to exist, but let’s wasn’t bought into every ing to mitigate our existence to the FB police. When our pro- blame the owners for their file is eventually returned to us, please if you don’t like the conversation, not matter how unpopularity rather than publication, don’t read it! Don’t report us, like a hormonal irrelevant and unconnected it them” explained charity banshee or petulant child, to Facebook again please. worker Josie Mengele. is to a Facebook post.” Until we are let back into the “safe and comfortable” “It’s all about shitting” world of bland hypocrisy, we are having to decamp to the wid- she continued and added er web to publish our “alternative” reflection of life here in the “We all have to do it, even Islands. If you enjoy it, and take it for what it is, that’s smash- the queen, but she has re- ing. But if it’s not your thing, then we will soon get a feel for sponsible owners who pick that also. Trust me, it takes up enough time to complete this up after her.” rag which could be used doing something less controversial. Even their arch rivals So here's to free speech and the lampooning of those that have rallied to their aid and deserve it. FU ******* ****. are offering a comforting paw and counselling to the Road courtesy, petrified mutts. “…just a friendly wave each morning, helps to make a better day…” is part of the theme tune for Neighbours. Why, if a bunch of hairy-arsed Diggers and Sheilas can be bothered to do it, don’t drivers here anymore? I used to get repetitive strain injury in my fingers on my Your Letters journey to work, but not any longer. Perhaps to avoid self- inflicted harm, maybe we could limit it to just thanking other Email: thewarrahFI@gmail.com drivers who pull into the gap in a line of parked vehicles to let you through. Surely that’s not too much to ask, you ignorant twat. Wrong home know this model was built on I was dumping rubbish at the a Dennis 6040 LWB chassis, An apology, tip the other day, and was which with a small amount saddened by all the seagulls of modification, the Diff Some of you that have downloaded the picture of Baad Al congregating there. Surely could be used on the 1986 Sajun from our website have noticed that it automatically they belong at the seaside. In model as well! With an atti- saved with the default file name of “Bitch”. an effort to encourage these tude like his, I suppose he This was in part due to one of our colleague’s “dry hu- wonderful birds back to their would like me to just throw mour”. We would like to apologise to this animal and point natural habitat, the next time away my 1/2 Sea-cadet hut out that he is a male and therefore the picture should have I clean out the garage, I’m as well? been labelled “Dog”. going to dump everything on James Pikey Surf Bay instead. By Email Dave Attenborough Stanley Not Bitter If I could talk to My husband always joked the animals... that if he ever won the lottery he would eat a Wall’s Doctor Doolittle, if you are Viennetta for his tea every reading this, could you pop day. round to the house on Ross Imagine my surprise Road East, the one with the that when he did actually win chicken coop, and tell that the Irish Lottery, that instead rooster to shut the fuck up? of eating a Wall’s Viennetta Name & Address Supplied every day for his tea, he left me and the kids, bought a Ferrari and moved to the Technicality Dominican Republic with a I was annoyed by the letter blonde woman half his age featured in the last edition, whose got really big knock- from Mr Quirin, that men- ers. Life is strange some- tioned my 1983 Carmichael times! fire engine. Sandie Shore If he knew anything Port Eggermore about vehicles, he would Give us two minutes... What was your saddest moment? When Miss Diane died of a brain haemorrhage. What was your happiest moment? Still having a job after Miss Diane died. What is your biggest Based on sales and downloads from the last week, these are regret? the top ten singles for the Falkland Islands: Paul Henry Not releasing my own range of designer hats. If you had a motto what would it be? What would surprise 1 Hanging on the Telephone Justin & the Surettes people to know about In Satura est Veritas (in satire there is truth) you? 2 This is a Man’s World The Gluepots Who would you make Gov- I’m still alive! 3 Papa Don’t Preach Iain Folds and the Cottingley ernor of the Falkland Is- Where would you have, Massive lands? a beer call in the Falk- 4 Blood on the Dance Floor Alan Huckle again. He was all lands and who would Pigs that Fight you invite? cuddly and looked like Papa When you say Nothing at Smurf. But Noele Gordon I’ve never been to the 5 All/Leaving on a Jet Plane Hanson would be good as well. If she Falkland Islands but I (Double A-side) ran the Islands like she did hear the pubs are ‘kin Crossroads Motel, she’d do a rammed on a Saturday Wake me up, before you great job. Is she still going? night. I’d feel part of the 6 The Road Crew community and would Go Go What will people remember invite Theo Warrah be- about you? cause he’s a dude. 7 Gangstas Paradise West Store 17 The honour of a whole popu- lation being named after me. Paul Henry played the lova- 8 In the year 2525 Port Development Team ble handyman Benny Haw- What was your most ridicu- kins in the 70s super-soap I Heard it through the lous story line? Crossroads. His famous 9 Big Hots ft. Dble F headwear was originally his Grapevine Going out with the beautiful brother’s fishing hat. Paul receptionist Miss Diane Law- can still be seen doing the 10 King of the Road The Deliverymen ton. I was punching well occasional pantomime in above my weight. Birmingham. Q What does Che mean was, he was another Argen- you knew it would be more expensive that is, quite frank- It was never designed to be compatible with watercraft. and how should it be spelt; tine terrorist who helped in- che, chey or chay? vade an independent Island. ly, you’re choice. Ironically his birthday is 14th If you insist on driving around in a 6-litre American Q Why when advertising A Answer provided by Li- June. As for the correct tank and can’t afford it, go a house for sale does the advert always end with brary assistant, and etymolo- tell it to someone who gives spelling here, any one of “The owner does not bind gist Jayne “Shush” Goode- a shit. them is correct, but I like himself/herself to accept Reid. As for quad bikes, I think Chay as that is a common the highest or any tender”? form of Charles and that was they are available with diesel The correct spelling is Che. It is a Spanish diminutive my granddad's name. engines and have been for many years now. A Answer provided by Dan interjection commonly used Beagle from Regal Legal in Argentina. It is a form of Q Why should I be pay- Q When will the new Jet- Eagles LLB. colloquial slang used in a ing £1:27/litre to fill up vocative sense as "friend", with petrol when diesel is ty be available to use? I really don't know! Per- and thus loosely corresponds only 43p/litre? haps they saw it once in an- to expressions such as A Answer provided by FIG other advert and think they "mate", "pal", or "dude", as A Answer provided by civil engineer, Anne Folly . are now qualified as a con- used by various English Falkland Fuels Ltd. tract lawyer. It means abso- speakers. The jetty is indeed already lutely nothing and never has. Although it is trendy to The Fuel Formula which has being used. It makes for an If I may offer a word of have a poster or T-shirt de- set the price of fuels for extremely useful overflow advice though, if I were picting Senor Che Guevara, years is well known by all. If car park during tourist days them, I would ignore the one should remember that no you decided to buy a vehicle and provides a magnificent lowest offer and accept the matter how good looking he with a petrol engine when view point for Jubilee Villas. highest. Policy —Team Manager A new and exciting position to provide strategic leadership and over-arching oversight of best practice employment, underpinning core principles, whilst maintaining energetic team motivation to achieve corporate competence in a fluid and dynamic environment. The successful candidate must possess the ability to speak business jargon to minimum level III. No meaningful man- agement experience required. Hours: As required to maintain a notion- al amount of face time. Salary: Grade A+. Min £72000 per year- ly interval with attractive performance related bonuses, awards and super- numerary and supplementary non-taxable benefits-in-kind. TYSON (“Mr Giggles”). Excellent Contact: The Superintendent of manage- pedigree. Good with children and cats. ment and leadership with oversight and Court Order forces sale. £50. Tel responsibility for development of Gov- 57594. ernment employees. Closing Date: 12th/Never/2020 DIFFERENTIAL. For 1983 or 1986 Carmichael airport fire engine. Buyer PARAPHENALIA. Supply of mirrors, removes. £40. Call Jim on 58826. razor blades, rolled-up notes and “Talcum” powder. Contact Paula Escobar at the 1/2 SEA-SCOUT HUT. Slight water KEMH after normal hours. Discretion as- damage. Blue. Great DIY project. Buyer sured. Tel. 59766 and wait for call back. DURABLE FACE MASKS. Let me collects. £200. Call Jim on 58826. knock one up for you from an old bit SWB LAND ROVER FOR SALE. of scrap metal I’ve go lying about. STANLEY CYCLISTS. Join us for our weekly ride-out. Disrespect for other road users and Lycra essential. Sunday 10am from the Jetty Car Park. SIGNED FOOTBALL. Autographed by either Pele, the former Brazilian foot- ball player, widely renowned by most experts and fans to be the finest player FSH and well maintained. Only 265K that ever existed, or by some guy named miles. Runs with a little bit of TLC. Buyer “Peter”. £75 Tel 58801. to bring own battery or tow rope. £2500 OVNO. Tel 58333 Only £12. Mike Baker on 26788..