1 Writing and ponderings by El Vezz Art by Jenna Bassi 2 Somewhere in the In between In the beginning of 2020 I shaved my whole head. Settled on a beard the state of my hair was something I couldn’t figure out. In the summer of 2020 my hair was the longest it had been in years. Despite the bald patch on top the sides and back of my hair grew downwards towards the ground reaching for a sense of stability. For 27 years I could never figure out what to do with my hair. Much like my moods it would bounce from one extreme to the next. One moment my hair was long and down to my shoulders, the other a buzz cut to the lightened skin of my head. It took a pandemic to understand that I found my comfort somewhere in the in between. While my brain used to be tired and sore from pin balling back and forth manic to depressive, I felt that I only created art within the extremes. My feelings, my success, was all tied to being as manic as humanly possible. As I have grown, developed, and changed late into my twenties I have learned to love the middle. So here we are 11 months into a pandemic, and I am at peace. My hair is a shaggy cover, long enough to combat a daily bed head but no longer hiding my face and my feelings from the world 3 Pampered It hit me the other da y that I’ve been trying to drown myself in my beard. As my feelings sank inward and became more introspective my facial hair has grown outward and disheveled. I pamper it and treat it well. Hoping that a good smelling healthy beard hides the unhealthy thoughts brewing in my brain. It’s surprising how healthy plants grow from poisoned soil. As the rest of my body begins to decay alone in my apartment, my hair continues to grow. The sunkenness in my eyes parallel with the growth on my face. One continues to sink in while the other reaches out. 4 Recipe for Thai Chicken Soup-Stolen from Brian Doran Here’s something I’ve been eating non -stop during quarantine Ingredients 1 tbsp oil 1 chopped onion 1 large red pepper chopped 1 thinly sliced carrot (I cut up baby carrots) Minced garlic 1 tbsp curry powder ½ tsp red pepper salt 2 15oz cans of coconut milk 3 cups of chicken broth Some rotisserie chicken Plain ramen noodles How To In oil, cook peppers, onions, carrots for 8 minutes. Add garlic, curry powder, red pepper flakes, salt, pour in coconut milk and broth boil and simmer, add chicken and ramen, cook. 5 6 Demo #1 7 Songs stolen from Dead Bands I crashed my car today, I crashed my car today I crashed my car today, I’m fitting in it will be okay I crashed my car today, you promised you’d do the same X2 I wrote this song for an old band I was in called Ladder Match. Ladder Match was a passion project with all of my friends but it felt like my first real musical baby. We did a few weeken d tours and wrote 2 Eps. That second EP never saw the light of day and this little intro was from that EP. This is included in the demo in honor of my friend Stemwede who constantly hypes up my music and encourages me to write. 8 Property Value I want to die in the summer, I want to rot in my apartment, I wanna ruin my neighbor’s day We seem to depreciate in value Picking up nicks and marks Broken toys with broken back stories Nothing more than the sum of our parts I wanna rot rot rot, and le ave no legacy But I wanna leave my mark on this room, leave my mark on this room X2 We’re worth so much and so little I wanna be part of somebody’s day But I don’t hold any market value, I’ll be bought over and paved away I wanna rot rot rot, and leave no legacy But I wanna leave my mark on this room, leave my mark on this room X2 9 I really hate how much I pay rent. I always thought it would be a really good own to die in my one bedroom apartment and make it that much harder for my landlord to sell. Fuck landlords. As a country and a nation we should be fighting for affordable housing for those in need. 10 We get it you like Bukowski Hey bud I know that you’re not well But we’re all a little fucked right now (we’re all a little fucked right now) I really wanna help But you’ve gotta help yourself my pal (You’ve gotta help yourself right now) You’re only as strong as your weakest link, Deteriorating without maintenance You’re much more loved than you think You’ll find it in the least expected places Stop relying on other people when you say their love cant help Everyone has their problems, if you couldn’t tell You’re only as strong as your weakest link, Deteriorating without maintenance You’re much more loved than you think You’ll find it in the least expected places You’re not as helpless as you think, you can’t expect the world to save you X6 11 I went to a liberal arts college in the center of New York State. Like most people in their early 20s I found myself a nihilist and really enamored with the idea of not giving a shit about much. I cared about music and going to shows but that was about it. I spent a lot of my time drinking and smoking with friends causing havoc and enjoying the scenery. However as I approach my thirties I find people that haven’t grown since college are unbearable. It’s cool to give a shit, it’s cool to work towards something, and it’s really cool to treat yourself and others with respect. This song is about a person who is still stuck in that college mindset, someone expecting the world to really stop for them when in reality as they continue to coast the world is leaving them behind. 12 Drinking Dreams I got sober at 25. At the moment I have two years of sobriety. My head is the clearest it’s ever been. I’ve stopped making excuses on why I’m unhappy and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s about me and my brain and how I approach my thinking. So this song is about that and about accepting that it’s okay to not be happy all the time and that’s normal. There’s also a reference to Polar Bear Club in the guitar playing RIP I’m drinking in my dreams again, which mean life is awaking nightmare Can’t cope with my reality so I’m hiding in my head Woah oh oh Through this obsessions wearing thin, it never truly leaves, I just wanna be a better person, and change the world around me Woah Oh Oh Fight with your reality, rip through the veil of dread, tear open your heart and brain, and dig through your own head 13 Less Mean It is really easy to be miserable. Especially with how absolutely awful the world is. It takes a stronger person to understand the world is dying but accepting that it doesn’t give you an excuse to be an asshole. This song is about continuing to be less mean despite every excuse to do the opposite. Everyone is dying, everyone is crying cept for me I won’t lie im trying, I don’t think you’re buying it from me But it’s hard to care, when the world is falling down underneath your feet It’s hard to care, when we don’t give a shit about those who can’t eat Everyone is dying, everyone is crying cept for me, I won’t lie I’m trying I don’t think you’re buying it from me. The world is bad, and we have to fight to find what brings us glee, the world is bad but that doesn’t mean you get to be mean Everyone is dying everyone is crying cept for, I won’t lie I’m trying, I don’t think you’re buying it from me 14 Where to find me! Knifethroat.bandcamp.com Facebook.com/knifethroatny Twitter; @Wrestleflapjak Insta; Elvezz412 Jenna ’ s insta; @himynameisjennna