Words To Live By - Steam 2026-07-30 15:03 Status: #published Tags: Words to Live By His father Zechariah was filled with the Holy Spirit and prophesied. . . . — [Luke 1:67] "Speak your truth and speak it with sincerity." Notes I guess I'll attempt to be truthful. 1 sentence for each day, right? Fine. My truth at the time of this writing is that during the full time I've been in here in the library doing work, I've experienced a full-blown anxiety attack for the past 2 hours I've already been here. I'm only now feeling like calming down after drinking myself some water. It wasn't pretty nor was it fun. I felt the same feeling I've felt during my many years while I was in college. At a time where being all alone meant feeling extreme scrutiny, shame, and condemnation. I wish at the time I knew these feelings all stemmed from my childhood experiences. I wish I knew earlier that my crashing out was fully justified and something outside of my control and that my body was just regurgitating the poison it swallowed whole while still an impressionable child. During this time of a "fun episode", I found myself wishing for someone to confide in and the other part of me condemning myself further stating I deserve this and that I deserve to be in a lot more pain. With all logic and rationalities out the window, I found myself with a deep felt confession that I need to make the pain even worse by sabotaging myself further by beating myself up violently. I mean if it was already considered my "norm" for when I did something wrong, perceived or not, If it wasn't pops already belting me to a pulp, it was me hitting myself for being so foolish and incompetent to make a mistake that's something so simple and easy. Just as I'm writing this, I'm just now recognizing how deeply rooted the effects of what the past has ingrained in me. I want to build a life with someone, and start a family with but how can I wish for something so distant if all I knew growing up is violence, hatred, and shame? I dream of raising healthy and grounded children but I'm not sure the work I've done is enough. I think the best way to untangle all of this maladaptive conditioning is best done with someone brave enough to stand by me but that just feels wrong. That just makes me feel like I'm off- loading a burden to someone already full of their own perils. I want to ask someone for help, for advice, for an informed guess but, I burned that bridge a long time ago when I chose to cross her boundaries over and over again. Without anyone to really confide in now, the pressure, the weight of it all feels too heavy to carry at times. At a different time, my lesser version would've blamed it to happenstance, the world and everything else around but me. REVISION ENDS HERE tooverwhelming The pressure and the weight of this all, why do I have to bear this burden all by myself? Is it really too much to ask for someone to share their shoulder even if just for a second? Why can't I deal with this alone. Why am I so weak and pathetic that I need another person to console me in my time of weakness and distress? Why couldn't I just deal with this on my own? It has always been that way. Why should now be any different? I say my wife to-be should do the work first before we get married but I'm recognizing how much of a hypocrite I am to say that considering I still haven't really addressed my own complications despite the 2 years of therapy. I'm tired. I don't want to think anymore... My ego won't let me walk back to her but I'm also sick of always dealing with it all alone. I cope by saying I just need to trust the process but what exactly am I doing for my part to get the ball rolling? I think I'll end with this. Iv References Words to Live By 2