Two Worlds: What We Wish We Knew Growing Up - Akul Munjal & Vamsi Reddy

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Two Worlds What We Wish We Knew Growing Up Akul Munjal & Vamsi Reddy Two Worlds: What We Wish We Knew Growing Up Akul Munjal & Vamsi Reddy All rights reserved First Edition, 2020 Copyright © 2020 Akul Munjal & Vamsi Reddy No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without prior written permission of the Authors. Requests for permission should be addressed to Akul Munjal & Vamsi Reddy Contents 1.1 Introduction���������������������������������������������������������������������������� 1 AUTHOR LIST��������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 3 Schooling���������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 5 2.1 The Non-Great Value Game of Life?��������������������������������� 7 2.2 Grades: They Matter & They Don’t������������������������������� 10 2.3 Elementary School: On Being Different�������������������� 13 2.4 Finding my Extracurricular Excitement����������������� 16 2.5 Choosing a Career in an Immigrant Household���� 18 2.6 Is College Required?������������������������������������������������������������� 21 2.7 Far From Home������������������������������������������������������������������������ 24 2.8 Being Indian, Going Greek�������������������������������������������������� 27 v t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p 2.9 The Secret Side Hustle �������������������������������������������������������� 31 2.10 Doing the Most����������������������������������������������������������������������� 34 2.11 Apple Among Oranges���������������������������������������������������������� 37 2.12 Joining Ethnic Groups��������������������������������������������������������� 40 Dating���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 43 3.1 Dating: Should You Involve Your Family������������������� 45 3.2 Don’t talk about it!������������������������������������������������������������� 49 3.3 Should I get an Arranged Marriage���������������������������� 53 3.4 bi(sexual)������������������������������������������������������������������������������������ 56 3.5 Falling in Love into the Religious Divide������������������ 59 3.6 Not Your Mama’s Birth Control������������������������������������ 63 3.7 Unspoken������������������������������������������������������������������������������������ 67 3.8 Friday the Thirteenth��������������������������������������������������������� 70 Parental Expectations������������������������������������������������������ 77 4.1 Generations of Expectations������������������������������������������� 79 vi two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p 4.2 Chained To My Mom’s Sacrifice���������������������������������������� 83 4.3 Handling Helicopter Parents������������������������������������������ 86 4.4 Circle of Life: Human Edition������������������������������������������ 89 4.5 Why Don’t I Feel Good Enough��������������������������������������� 92 4.6 Drinking- The Risks and Unintended Consequences��� 96 4.7 Lighthearted Permanence������������������������������������������������ 99 4.8 Too Much Skin����������������������������������������������������������������������� 102 4.9 Wear the Pants in Your Fashion Decisions��������������� 105 4.10 Lifting Me Up��������������������������������������������������������������������������� 109 Religion���������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 113 5.1 I’m Free!������������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 115 5.2 Respectfully Decline���������������������������������������������������������� 118 5.3 Covering Up����������������������������������������������������������������������������� 121 5.4 Staying Halal in This Haram World���������������������������� 124 vii t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p 5.5 Not a Qumri���������������������������������������������������������������������������� 127 5.6 Sometimes I wish I was Christian����������������������������������� 130 5.7 Casting out Caste���������������������������������������������������������������� 133 Identity���������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 137 6.1 Where Do I Belong?������������������������������������������������������������� 138 6.2 Sisterhood of the Traveling Doll������������������������������ 141 6.3 A Hairy Problem�������������������������������������������������������������������� 144 6.4 Am I too Dark? - Female Perspective���������������������������� 146 6.5 Am I Too Dark? - Male Perspective�������������������������������� 149 6.6 The Guinea Pig Child����������������������������������������������������������� 152 6.7 Gender Roles and Expectations������������������������������������ 156 6.8 The Best of Both Worlds�������������������������������������������������� 159 6.9 Knowing languages isn’t cool until you don’t know them anymore����������������������������������� 162 6.10 Two Halves Don’t Make a Whole���������������������������������� 166 viii two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p 6.11 Old Culture, New World�������������������������������������������������� 169 6.12 Is it too late to start embracing my culture?���� 172 6.13 Your Relationship with your Culture���������������������� 175 Navigating the Modern World����������������������������������� 179 7.1 The Golden Cage (La Jaula de Oro)������������������������������ 181 7.2 Microaggressions: Am I being too Sensitive, or are you being too Ignorant?���������������������������������� 185 7.3 Building Political Power in the Asian Community��� 188 7.4 The USA is a Melting Pot���������������������������������������������������� 191 Making Friends in College���������������������������������������������� 193 7.5 Overcoming Double Standards While Competing in Competitive Professions���������������������� 195 7.6 Happiness, Unhappiness, and the General State of Being������������������������������������������������������ 198 7.7 How’s Your Mental Health?�������������������������������������������� 204 Epilogue���������������������������������������������������������������������������������� 207 8.1 Welcome Home���������������������������������������������������������������������� 209 ix 1.1 Introduction W e are Akul Munjal and Vamsi Reddy. At the time of writing, we are fourth-year medical students at the Medical College of Georgia. We were both born in America but raised by parents who immigrated to the United States. As we grew up, we realized that our identity was constantly split and we existed in the crepitus of two different worlds. Through our own experiences and those of our peers, we decided to create a guidebook for the children of immigrants. No matter which background their parents are from, immigrant children face unique challenges and circumstances. This book has been authored by an immensely talented group of individuals from a wide array of cultural backgrounds. We hope that our stories and experiences serve as a guiding hand for future generations of immigrant children. We would like to thank all of the contributors that have allowed this project to become reality, all of your stories have been so inspiring. We hope that as the children of immigrants, we can give back to our countries of origin and the millions of immigrants who took the leap of faith to leave their home countries. Thank you for supporting this cause and we look forward to you joining us to read Two Worlds: What We Wish We Knew Growing Up. The chapters in this book are de-identified to protect contributors with sensitive topics, and therefore do not reflect the opinions of the editors, other authors, or any institution. Thank you all once again - we hope you enjoy it! We welcome any and all feedback, and please feel free to contact us at [email protected] and [email protected]. Sincerely, Akul Munjal and Vamsi Reddy 1 Author list Aditi Talkad Neelie Shah Aditya Reddy Neha Mandagarli Akul Munjal Nikhila Hari Alvin Anand Nina Daneshwar Ammar Haque Nirupa Gadi Amy Sahoo Nishvanthi Raveendran Ananya Munjal Nitish Sood Aneesha Pydi Pradeep “Sunny” Devarapalli Anvith Reddy Radhika Mohan Thotakura Arman Qureshi Rashi Agrawal Ashvanthi Raveendran Rasmita Jalla Audrey Anand Rhea Gopali Christina Sun Rishabh Agrawal Clara Wang Rishab Chawla Durga Saseendran Rishi Prasad Erick Juarez Saimrunali Dadigala Hari Vedantam Jackson David Reynolds Sanah Aslam Janani Naidu Sasha Prakash Janet Guo Sehar Ali Jordan Moraczewski Shriya Boppana Kashif Malik Sneha Peri Kingsley Anosike Sonal Dugar Meera Kuntwala Sujith Cherukumilli Mona Abraham Sunidhi Ramesh Naina Rao Udit Thawani Natalie Moreno Vaidehi Gajjar Nawar Khan Yusra Asif 3 Schooling 2.1 The Non-Great Value Game of Life? 18 years of being the perfect child for my parents...I made good grades, did philanthropic projects, participated in educational activities like debate, sprinted in varsity track and field (100, 200, and 400m), had a gigantic social network, and to icing on the cake - I was blessed to receive a full-ride scholarship to an out of state university at a renowned program. Perfect, right? That was my path, and from an outsider’s perspective, I was killing the game. Reality rapidly whacked me in the head, after 3 months of freedom when I came home for Thanksgiving, I knew my trajectory was going to be altered significantly. It was not because I was not intellectually capable, I was in the top 5th percentile of my class. It was because I could not stay awake during lectures and I was not even remotely interested in what I was learning. I didn’t want to do engineering. The real Mount Olympus is the one conversation that will break lifelong dreams, even if they were not my dreams to begin with. It was a tough choice for me as I know I broke my parents’ hearts when I said I didn’t want to be a physician and within one semester of college, I knew for damn sure that Petroleum Engineering was out too. Constantly battling my parents and convincing them that medical school wasn’t in my sights was exhausting. What made it worse was the fact that two of my older brothers went to medical school, and one of my best friends growing up had gotten accepted into 7 t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p a BS/MD program. It led to a few sleepless nights, but my parents had finally come to terms with settling on petroleum engineering. Despite achieving some early academic success, I knew it wasn’t my calling, and I thought back to my roots. I was always hooked on making a quick buck, hustling, trading, efficiency, and using my scheming imagination to get to where I wanted to be. I would never cheat or harm anyone in the process, but I knew what was required and how to allocate my time. That ability to grind is how I was finessing my way through college. I may not be genetically blessed (not the smartest, tallest, nor the strongest), but when things got stressful I produced. The night I got back, the house was packed with relatives, and my brother and I had to share a room. He asked me how college was, and I spilled the tea about loving everything except for what I was studying. He laughed in my face predicting it and was unfazed that I had another plan. We went downstairs, I handed my dad a glass of water, and I told my parents that they had raised me to follow their footsteps. I will never forget the look my father gave me- it spoke for itself. He proceeded to sigh deeply and prayed that I would change my mind. Personally, the weirdest part was the fact that HE wasn’t a doctor or engineer but was not supportive of what makes him as successful as he is (he is a businessman). Shortly after, I told him about my plan to major in finance. In retrospect, that has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. During the process, I met numerous impactful people, one who changed my whole perspective on life. Post-college, I ended up working at a place where I received 5 years of commodity training experience in 18 months. Additionally, I put myself in a position to pick people up along the way- getting several of my friends hired at prestigious companies and fully utilizing my strengths. My parents have come around, and have recognized how in my first year I am more financially successful and mentally satisfied than I would have been in engineering (sorry not sorry engineers). I learned four critical things from this that I would advise any of you with similar thoughts. First, always be looking to change, grow, and avoid complacency like the plague. Second, don’t be afraid to hear the voices of experience, validating or contradicting decisions you ultimately make. Third, don’t look back because that’s how it has always meant to be, and it was your choice under your own free will (no matter the circumstance). Lastly, one thought, one conversation, 8 two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p and one decision all have the potential to transform you, your legacy, and your future. Life is based on decisions, options, and opportunities; welcome to the game, and I wish you the most success. Key Points: 1. Don’t be scared- this is your life, be selfish, and do things for YOUR BETTERMENT. 2. If you hate something day over day, and the situation is not improving- CHANGE IT. 3. Parental expectations and repayments might be impossible to satisfy, but it’s because their love is deep. 4. Acknowledge your power with just one thought, conversation, and decision. 9 2.2 Grades: They Matter & They Don’t I was told for most of my life that my grades defined me. That they were somehow a marker for how “good,” how “smart,” or how “special” I was. They would decide my life—where I’d go to college, what jobs I’d be able to get, and what career paths I’d be able to choose. Aim your hardest, they told me. Aim your hardest, try your hardest, score your best, and you’ll get everything you’ve ever wanted. That those letters, those numbers, mean everything. That’s what I was raised to think. And I believed it. I slept four hours a night during my entire junior year of high school. In the trenches of college, I slept at the library. I measured my success and my competence by the scores I received. An A? I told myself that I had worked hard; that I tried my best; that I was competent, able, and intelligent. But if I got a B-? Then I told myself that I hadn’t worked hard enough; that I could’ve tried harder; that I was average, mediocre, and incapable of success. Toxic? Illogical? I know. Year after year, I never went out, missed most social events, and rarely visited home. I told myself I was doing it for a reason; after all, my grades were the highest they had ever been. The more sacrifices I made, the better I did. But at what cost? The reality of the value grades hold is murky. Take it from someone who learned this the hard way: they do matter—just not as much as you’re always told that they do. They alone will not get you into your dream school or land you 10 two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p your dream job. More importantly, they alone will not keep you from your dream school or keep you from landing your dream job. More importantly, they are not worth your mental health. They are not worth your relationships. They are not worth your happiness. They are not worth your worth. So, where is the balance? And how do you find it? 1. You know you better than anyone else. Sometimes, the expectations that the outside world puts on you can be overwhelming and unreasonable. Are those expectations for you the same as your expectations for yourself? Be honest with yourself. Follow your dreams and your aspirations—not the ones that someone else dreamed for you. 2. Set reasonable expectations—for yourself and for those in your life who may be pressuring you to score a particular way. Are impossibly high grades necessary for success in your chosen life path? Probably not. It may be hard to explain this to your parents (or whoever else), but do it anyways. Chances are, everyone has the same end goal in mind: your happiness and your success. 3. Know your limits. Draw a line. Know what you are willing to sacrifice and what you are not. Have someone who loves you and cares about your well-being keep you accountable—someone who is willing to say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve stopped [insert priority here]. What’s up?” 4. Your balance is your balance. What works for you may not work for your friends or the other people around you. Find a study method that supports your way of learning. Adjust as needed. Stick with it. 5. Balance means balance. Grades aren’t everything, and most of us do not find our peak happiness in school. Dance. Draw. Read. Write. Run. Climb. Exercise. Swim. Do what it is that takes you to that peak. Be a person outside of your work. 6. Ask for help. Everyone stumbles. Everyone. Reach out for support. Lean on the people you love. Accept that you cannot be your best self at all times— and that’s okay. 7. Leave your self-worth out of it. Who you are is not a number. It’s not a set of numbers or a set of words. It’s not even a hundred thousand words. We don’t let ourselves be defined by labels, by 11 t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p ill-defined boxes, or by descriptions that do not encompass the full depth of who we are. Why, then, do we feel validated by good grades? And negated by bad ones? There’s more to you than school. Don’t forget that. At the end of the day, school (and your eventual career) is only a part of your life. You will learn a lot. You will find yourself along the way. But it is only a part of who you are. There’s no reason for your grades to be any different. Key Points: 1. Being successful on paper doesn’t necessarily mean you are happy, well, and healthy doing it. 2. Grades are never a make-it-or-break-it. 3. Lean on the people you love. Ask for help when you need it. 4. School is only a fraction of who you are; be a person outside of your work. 5. Follow your dreams and your aspirations—not the ones someone else dreamed for you. 12 2.3 Elementary School: On Being Different E lementary school. For many of us, it’s the first time we are exposed to the world outside of our parent’s homes. At home, we spoke our native tongues with our parents. We ate what they ate. Then comes school... and we are exposed to everything we never realized we didn’t know. As a little brown girl raised in the South in the early 2000s, I had no idea what my identity was. I knew my hair was darker than that of the blonde girl sitting next to me. I knew no one in my family had blue eyes like Ryan, the boy who sat in front of me during lunch and introduced me to Fruit Roll-Ups. I knew I was different, but so were a lot of kids. There are, however, distinct memories that ring in my mind today. Little events that made me realize just how different I was, and how I was in the eyes of my peers and teachers. One day in first grade, I came to school with henna on my hands after a wedding. Henna wasn’t mainstream at the time - nobody knew what it was, and I used long sleeves to cover my hands at l to avoid the stares from other children and teachers. During an activity that required us to draw, a white boy looked to me and asked why I drew on my hands with an orange marker. Before I could find the words to explain, he yelled “LOOK MS. *** SHE DREW ALL OVER HER HANDS WITH MARKER!” The teacher came over, looked at my hands, shriveled 13 t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p up her nose, and snarled “don’t do that” and stormed away before I could explain. For the rest of the day, I felt so ashamed that I couldn’t explain myself. The henna that was so beautiful, and that I was proud to adorn on my hands, was seen as the equivalent of a child drawing on walls. I continued to come to school with henna on my hands and as it became more “exotic,” it became more acceptable to my teachers and classmates. As I reflect back on my childhood, I realize that I was shy. Actually shy. Yet I was always chastised for talking too much. My seat was always moved to prevent me from talking to friends. My parents still joke about the countless checks in my Friday folder for “talking too much.” I distinctly remember, once in third grade, walking down the halls on the way to the cafeteria in a single-file line. We were instructed to stay silent as we were passing other classrooms. The two girls in front of me, one of which was the teacher’s favorite, were playfully shoving each other and laughing in line. I looked over at them and said “Shh guys, you’re going to get us all into trouble!” At that moment, our teacher rejoined the line and saw me shushing the other girls. She became irate. “What have I told you about talking? You are always a problem!” The girls smirked. I could feel my face become red and my eyes blur with tears. Even to this day, when I am angry, I cry. I couldn’t believe how these girls got away with it and I was the one who was in trouble. What stands out to me the most is how the teacher’s favorites were always little cute girls that reminded them the most of themselves… and that would never be me. I remember countless times that I faced discrimination from teachers because I stood out. Perhaps I was accustomed to not fitting in with some of the other kids because of the way I looked. But being that young, I did not realize that I was being discriminated against for not looking like the other children. My parents, with their broken English and busy jobs, were not part of the tight-knit PTA group. While the other kids went to Friday Night Pizza fundraisers and weekend play-dates with the other PTA kids, I spent my weekends at brown dinner parties meeting more kids that were raised like me from other schools. I am so proud of my parents for being involved in our ethnic community and introducing me to other children who have become life-long friends. Our connections are tied by our shared experiences growing up in predominantly-white towns 14 two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p while being first-generation children. As kids, all we wanted more than anything to fit in and be accepted by the majority. But the majority didn’t understand who we were and where we came from. Now as adults, these experiences have become part of an identity we are proud to wear. We’ve grown older and have found our voices. Looking back, I wouldn’t change anything. Abbreviations: PTA: Parent-teacher association Teaching points: • I wish I could go back and talk to my younger self. One day, I hope, the universe will give me children to have these conversations I rehearsed for myself. I want to tell them to embrace their culture. Never be ashamed of being different. Educate other kids. If they are grossed out, annoyed, or ignorant, that is not YOUR fault, it’s theirs’s. • At that young of an age, speaking up against people of power (teachers, administrators, other children’s parents) is intimidating and you may be afraid to come off as disrespectful. I want you to go to your parents or older siblings when someone makes you uncomfortable. Even if you think they might brush it off, please just come to us anyway. We share more experiences than you realize. I regret not talking to my parents when I was that age for under the assumption they just “wouldn’t get it.” • You have a community of other children who share your experiences. Engage in an open conversation about the problems you face at school or at home. Your experiences growing up can feel weird and isolating, talking about it with a friend with a similar background will help you realize you are not alone, and what happens to you is not because you did something wrong. 15 2.4 Finding my Extracurricular Excitement C hess. Why on earth was I even playing it? These were my thoughts as I was competing in the Queen City Classic tournament that I had attended for the last 3 years. I was six hours into the competition and all I could think about was how I wanted to be somewhere else. At that point, I had been involved in chess for six years. Yet, I had never really liked playing chess itself. I liked winning, and I liked when my parents told me that I was doing well. But, as with many other activities that my parents introduced me to, I didn’t really enjoy doing them; I just enjoyed being good at them. It was like that for most of my activities. My parents pushed me to play soccer, so I played it. My parents pushed to learn piano, so I learned it. They wanted me to try as many things as I could, and I complied, but something was definitely missing. Soon, I started to quit all the activities that I was a part of. One by one, I abandoned almost everything I did, from the cerebral and academic competitions to the athletic programs. It was puzzling to both me and my parents, but I realized that in order for me to be successful in anything that I was doing, whether it be physical or mental, the desire for achievement had to come from within - not from my parents. I began to choose the activities I wanted to participate in, even if my parents would often chide me and say they were “a waste of time.” I cannot stress how much the autonomy to choose your extracurriculars 16 two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p is essential to enjoying the activity. When I started to enjoy what I was doing, winning not only became much easier, but it also became an afterthought. I was having so much fun that I didn’t even care about competing or about how good I could be. For example, my dad enrolled me in cross country when I was in seventh grade so that I could lose weight and develop discipline. I hated to run. I was terrible at it. I wheezed, I was slow, and it was so painful. And as I thought more and more about how I wanted to win, especially I was doing little to no work to actually accomplish my goal, the bodily pains became more pronounced, and seeped deeper beyond my muscles and into my psyche. I hated running more and more. But then, I stopped caring about improving my time. I started to care about running itself. Not my expectations for myself, not my parents’ expectations for me. Running. Just one step after another. I could feel my legs getting tighter and achy, but it didn’t matter, because I was having fun. I could feel the power that came with the physical motion as my foot collided with the pavement. I was surrounded by other people, who were equally engulfed and infatuated by the harmonic motion that our bodies were generating. As I stayed in the moment, and let running simply be running, free of goals or anxiety that stepped from pride or insecurities, I became much faster, and more importantly, I enjoyed running much more. I didn’t do it for my expectations; I didn’t do it because my dad signed me up. I did it for me. I did it because I loved it. Find extracurriculars not for your parents or resume, but because you enjoy them. If you are passionate about what you do, it becomes easier to succeed and love the path you are paving for yourself. Focus on appreciating the actions and the fruits of your labors will inevitably follow. Key Points: 1. Don’t always blindly follow what you are told to do, follow your own path. 2. Remain in the moment. Keep your mind in the present. Then anxiety will subside. 3. Do things because you love doing the action. Not because you love the reward after the fact. 17 2.5 Choosing a Career in an Immigrant Household G rowing up, I pushed extremely hard against the pressures to become a physician - some pressures being more overt than others. Family pressures being more so, while societal pressure being less so. There was a constant expectation, some from within and some from others, that I was going to be a physician. My parents expected me to be a doctor - Indians were doctors. That’s just what it is, and it didn’t have to be said. I made it through high school without committing to a field, and it definitely made my parents a little nervous, but they were willing to let me try other things as long as I told them what my plans were. That definitely is not the case for everyone. At my high school graduation party, one of my mom’s friends who didn’t really know me came up to me and asked me what I was going to study. At the time I was undecided and said I was thinking of business. She said, “Oh, that’s bad beta, you should try for medicine.” She then walked away towards the chaat station- without hesitation. I was dumbfounded. This was the embodiment of why I did not want to pursue medicine. This nonchalance and apathy towards passion and exploration turned me away from medicine. Indians being doctors is in no way a bad stereotype, but I wanted to know what I wanted for my self. Being a doctor was the expectation, and because of that, I could not be passionate about it. Growing up, my parents would slip in little nudges towards medicine. “Did you see [insert random name] started volunteering at 18 two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p the hospital?”, “Your cousin got accepted into medical school without a gap year because he knew from the beginning what he wanted”, and “Why are you taking AP World History and not AP Chemistry?”. Comparisons were common, and usually not overt. When parents would talk over chai, they would talk about kids doing research, volunteering, or taking science APs. They would almost never praise other fields. I told my parents throughout high school and college that I wasn’t interested in medicine, and told them I was interested in many things. I had many phases. Each time, I made sure to be specific about how that could develop into a stable career. I don’t think my parents would have been upset if I didn’t choose medicine, but I always knew they would be happier if I did. I went to college and took Intro to Economics, and other pre- business classes - quickly realizing that they were not for me. The work and the culture turned me off, so I switched paths completely… again… and again. I had 4 majors in my first two years: Pre-Business, to Physics, to Psychology, and then to Neuroscience. As this went on, I kept my parents out of the loop due a fear that they would say I am “wasting my time.” I stumbled into an organic chemistry class and made friends with several pre-meds. I learned more about the field, and I realized that it was actually a solid fit. I explored the field with genuine curiosity, not because I was forced. With this newfound interest, I committed to the medical path. My negative predisposition towards the field dissipated but only because I explored it on my own terms. This “waste” of time switching majors gave me confidence in my decision. Genuine exploration is never a waste. But why was it this way for me? Why are these expectations held over us? What’s with the extra pressure? My parents, and most brown parents, have been indoctrinated to believe being a doctor is secure, well paying, a signifier of independence and that you have made It is a career that’s meaning hasn’t changed much over time. Your parents do not hate you, they just want you to be secure, independent, and for you to have “made it.” They moved all the way to a different country, leaving the majority of their family behind. They just want you to not struggle as they did. Maybe they would also like to show you off to family and the community. Maybe they want you to do it because they never could. These are circumstances that we have to deal with. What they want for you is what they believe is best. If you want to do 19 t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p something else, be clear and elaborate that these factors be achieved with whatever field. A solid plan makes it easier for parents, and even the wider community, to accept. Learn from my story- don’t rebel just to rebel. Give it a shot, you will figure out quickly if it is for you. You don’t need to stress- if you present your case logically in terms your parents can relate to, they will understand. That last part is critical. You don’t have to fit into someone else’s mold but always keep your options open - oh, and don’t forget to explore. Key points: 1. Your parents want what they think is best for you 2. Open dialogue, present your view in terms they understand so they see medicine is not the only option 3. Be elaborate, calm, and clear in your explanations and your interests. 4. Don’t be closed off just because you want to rebel. Genuinely explore. 20 2.6 Is College Required? E ducation- one of those topics where everyone has advice but few understand you and your needs. Education and certain types of education affect you and your life. I’m sure you have received career advice from multiple sources. Most of them have said something like “do well in school, go to a good university, get a good job.” Or perhaps you’ve heard, “stop focusing on things you enjoy so you can focus on better studies.” I wanted to go to art school to become a designer, but my family never supported it and pressured me to pursue a more traditional educational track. These people all give advice with good intentions, but as I mentioned, they don’t always know you and your needs. When you get pressured into higher education, it can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. Honestly, university is not for everyone as it can be emotionally taxing, academically rigorous, and stressful. Financially, university is a major commitment that many may not want to take on. This is ok. Luckily, there are many promising careers you can pursue without a college degree. This is because there are basically four job types: repetitive manual, repetitive intellectual, varying manual, and varying intellectual. Repetitive manual labor consists of work where you do not need higher education and involves physical work such as factory work. Repetitive intellectual work may require higher education, but you repeat the same task every day such as data entry. Varying manual work includes things that you analyze a situation and subsequently 21 t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p do physical labor such as mechanic work. Varying intellectual usually requires higher education because you need specific cognitive skills to analyze situations, such as the work of doctors or lawyers. Of these four types of jobs, two require higher education of some sort of higher education, so it’s important to know that if you want easier access to financial success, you need higher education. Fortunately, for varying manual work, and intellectual manual work you don’t always need a college degree, but instead you can go to a trade school and get hired into these positions. Some examples of these jobs would be electricians, plumbers, medical assistants, welders, cosmetologists, or chefs. If any of these jobs interest you, the should look up what the job entails, career options, pay, the job market in your desired location, and finally look into the potential of the job being automated. Once you find something that satisfies your requirements, find a program that teaches you the necessary skills. We are lucky- most of these things can be found on the internet, but worst-case scenario, talk to a school counselor. The military is another possible career. In the United States, there are multiple different military branches. Once you enlist and participate in basic training, you are put in a job for the duration of your contract. Most people sign a 4-year contract. At the end of the contract, you have the option to re-enlist. The different military branches have different enlistment options. These jobs give you the opportunity to quickly gain a vast set of skills and often provide similar opportunities to those found in college. Once you complete a 4-year enlistment, you have the option to go to a traditional university for free. Remember that whatever you choose needs to be something you enjoy, but should have some objective value. When you do something without objective value you may ignore necessities to survive. If you don’t get paid, you won’t be able to sustain yourself. If you only have objective value and no subjective value, you may spend your entire life doing a job you hate. This will likely decrease the meaning of your life. You will get pressured by family members to go down the traditional path because they fear that you will have no objective value if you don’t. They want you to have opportunities that they didn’t have. Do what you think is best for you according to your skills, abilities, and desires. Find a sweet spot that includes a life filled with hobbies. 22 two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p Key Points: • University is not for everyone, but you should still look into higher education • Accept your natural abilities, and encourage others to accept your choices • Increased automation in the markets makes specializing necessary 23 2.7 Far From Home I spent the summer before college counting down the days before I left my hometown for a city over 1500 miles away. I was apprehensive but still overwhelmingly excited for the freedom and independence of no longer being under my parent’s roof. Yet, nothing really prepared me for the moment when I said goodbye to my mom and dad with the realization that for the first time in my life, I wouldn’t see them at the end of the day before I went to bed. It took about 15 minutes of being in my dorm by myself for the overwhelming loneliness and uncertainty to set in. The lack of a social safety net of being around my parents and sister, a new campus, thousands of students who I had never seen before; nothing had felt this foreign to me before and truth be told, it left me reeling. But it was going to be okay and ended up bringing me closer to the people around me and my family. The first thing I quickly realized how much I took living at home for granted when it came to having a basic schedule. Working out after school, eating healthy, doing laundry on time – all routines that no longer existed without the well-intentioned nagging of my parents. So, to all the young freshmen out there who are overwhelmed as to how to be an independent person, this is where I suggest you start: Make a schedule and stick to it! You don’t have to do everything at once – add things in increments. Personally, I started with simply eating meals on time. With a new course load, it is easy to either skip meals when studying or accidentally snacking throughout the day. Combine this with actually eating healthy (remember, vegetables are good for you!), and I promise you will feel better mentally and physically. 24 two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p Next, you’re going to experience inescapable loneliness but realize that it’s normal and okay. I say that because it’s often easy to jump into the first friend group you find in order to shake it off. But without the ability to truly be yourself or trying to be something else to fit in will become mentally exhausting and the loneliness will return stronger than ever. This is perhaps the hardest part of moving away but learn to understand the silence and appreciate yourself so that you’re able to let the right people into your life. That brings me to the part of moving away from that you have probably heard about over and over: friends. Not all your friendships from home will survive; some have existed purely from the convenience of seeing them every day in school and those will fizzle out as the year goes on. But you’ll also find the friends who put in the effort to stay in touch and know you best so don’t take this for granted – return the effort! You don’t have to spend all your time with your hometown friends, but make sure that just as they make you feel wanted, you do the same for them. Leave the campus and explore your area! You are going to spend years in this place so make it your home. Get a couple of friends together and learn how to use public transit by getting lost, find a favorite coffee shop, check out the local landmarks, etc. You don’t have to fall in love but do whatever it takes to form that connection with your city such that when you leave, you’ll get defensive whenever someone insults it. If you know what’s out there, the entire place feels less foreign to you. Call your damn parents. Yes, I know you’re not used to it at first because you used to see them every day. In fact, I started off by only calling when something big happened or if I needed help (eg: how do I do laundry???). But I started missing the daily memories (cut fruit, anyone?) and realized that never again in my life will would they be a physical part of my daily routine. Moving out is a huge change but I encourage you to keep your parents in your life as much as possible. I started calling for the little things like if I saw a cute dog (or boy) on the street or if I answered a question correctly in class. These frequent, but short, conversations were easier to maintain and kept us in touch better than having long, intense conversations once or twice a week. College is tough, stressful, and trying. Your parents are your biggest supporters and keeping them updated on your life means they are able to help you out better when you need advice. If not for yourself, do it for your parents. Empty Nest Syndrome is a real thing. For the past 18 25 t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p years, you were your parent’s entire life and they are adjusting just as much as you are. I’m going to leave you with a guilt trip: they aren’t going to live forever so it doesn’t take much effort for a 5 minutes call to make their whole day. So finally, let’s talk about how you’re going to apply this newfound freedom. You get to use this time to explore who you are in whatever method you choose. But this is where I implore you to practice moderation. Immigrant parents are notoriously strict and even more so when it comes to illicit substances such as drugs and alcohol. Don’t push the limits to your freedom and go crazy in your first week of college; I promise the parties and events aren’t going anywhere. You have so much time properly enjoy this life so start off by finding a balance between “freedom” and your life. Let’s be clear: I am definitely not saying you shouldn’t party. On the contrary, because college is a unique time to have fun with no real responsibilities. But do so in a way where it isn’t your top or only priority. When you’re out in the world on your own for the first time, it may feel like sink or swim. But it’s a learning process and every day you will learn more about yourself and how to be independent. This is the biggest life change you may have gone through so far and everyone will experience it differently. But hey, change is good and college will literally be the most exciting time of your life. So, surround yourself with the right people, stick to a schedule, and don’t let the loneliness get you down. Oh, and call your parents. 1. Call! Your! Parents! Every day! (try your best) 2. Create a personal schedule and get your life in order 3. Being lonely is okay. Take your time to find the right group of friends 4. Prioritize from the beginning and don’t go crazy. 26 2.8 Being Indian, Going Greek W hen I first found myself in college, I had never felt so confused. My whole life, I always had one goal: study hard and get into a good college. But now that I was actually in college, it felt like I had no direction. What was I working towards? I didn’t have my parents to tell me what to do or what to work towards. Not only did I feel directionless, I felt lonely and estranged. I was surrounded by people I had no connection to and nothing in common with. I felt that even when I was conversing with people, I couldn’t help but feel insecure and immensely awkward. I remember only ever really talking to my roommate and a couple of people in my hall, but not really anyone else. It wasn’t that I was shy, or that I was necessarily introverted, I was just always in my head, and it was never lost on me how different I was from everyone else. I felt I would never fully fit in with the ‘typical’ American students, and I would also never fit in with the international students. Across the board, no one truly had the same upbringing or experiences as me. More than anything, I felt a strong urge to revert back to what I knew. I wanted to quit and move back. What was I thinking going to college in a state 2,000 miles away? Nothing was the same; not the people, the politics, the weather or nearly anything else that I used to find comfort in. Every day, I longed for the familiar warmth of my hometown and the fondness of my parents and family. The 27 t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p freedom I yearned for in high school no longer felt like it was worth it. My aspirations for independence felt like a self-imposed burden. For months, I internalized these sinking feelings and just came to accept that perhaps this was the way college was bound to be for me. It wasn’t until I was approached to sign up for rush, that I really thought that I might have a breakthrough. Don’t get me wrong, at first Greek Life seemed too cool and far too pretentious for me. I mean, the only “experience” I had with what Greek Life might entail was from negative articles about hazing and scenes from movies like Legally Blonde. Clearly, it was nothing I was used to and nothing I particularly wanted to be a part of. But the longer I was feeling alone, the more I started to listen to what they were saying. All that these girls were talking about was how their sorority gave them a home and a sense of belonging. You could see it in their eyes and in the way that they were regarding one another, they truly loved Greek Life and accepted every girl that joined their sorority. I mean, wasn’t this what I was longing for the whole time? So I took the plunge. I decided to rush. The first day I went through rush, I immediately felt better about my decision. Every time I went to a different rush “party” (essentially an event thrown by each sorority to introduce you to them), I felt more listened to and understood than I ever did before. They all sat intently, listening to what I was saying, and actually cared about who I was as a person. As they explained how their respective sorority had impacted them, for the first time, I was starting to believe them. They talked about becoming part of something greater than them and creating a sisterhood that would last for life. The farther I went along in the rush process, the more I became attached to the idea of joining a sorority. All I wanted since I joined college was a family and place that could be my home away from home. Greek Life seemed to be offering that, and more! For some reason, the fact that I was one of few minority females in a sea of white women didn’t really matter to me. It was no longer about my appearance or my heritage that set me apart, it was about who I was as a person and my beliefs that brought us together. What I couldn’t find in common with others, I found in common with these Greek women: respect for sisterhood, academics, charity work, and friendship. Since joining a sorority, I can honestly say that college life has taken a full 180 for me. I feel newfound confidence in the woman I am 28 two wo r ld s : wh at we wi s h w e k n e w g row i n g u p today, and the woman I aspire to be. I am glad I joined one because it truly has taught me the value and importance of caring for others, and that there is truly no limit to what people with a strong bond will do for one another. It also opened me up to having a strong network of women to rely on during trying times that can occur far too often in college. I now know what it means to be a part of an organization that is bigger than myself and I love having something other than race, age or anything hereditary unify us. We are unified in more than just our gender, we are unified in our love and appreciation for one another as well. Growing up, far too often I would feel isolated and picked on because of the ethnic food I ate or because of my unique name, but being in a sorority has allowed me to view myself as something other than just a minority, and has allowed me to become more comfortable with myself since I feel included. I strongly encourage all women to try rushing a sorority or at least getting more information about what it means to join one. I far too often notice that minorities, immigrants, and women of color are underrepresented in Greek Life, when in fact, we should be joining them, thriving in them, and leading them. I hope reading my experience has shown you that you too can find your home in Greek Life. Key Points: 1. Don’t be afraid to immerse yourself into new experiences and don’t let your race or heritage be a reason you decide not to. 2. Make sure that should you choose to join a Greek Life organization, that you always feel comfortable and that you never feel like you have to pretend to be something you’re not to impress others. 3. If your parents are uneasy about letting you join, let them know that women and men in Greek Life often have higher GPA’s than the average across campus, Greek Organizations highly incentivize getting good grades and spend tons of money and effort in organizing study sessions to help all members. Also, all sororities and fraternities do a large amount of charity work and are always giving back to the campus and community. All sororities work with a charity and will work year-round to raise money for them! 4. Always keep an open mind when it comes to rushing. Many people I know would have never seen themselves in Greek Life! 29 t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p 5. Don’t feel afraid to reach out to the Greek Life organizations if you feel like you might be interested to join! We put so much time and effort into reaching out to everyone across campus and we are always so excited when potential new members come and talk to us about it. 6. Always trust your instincts when it comes to rushing and choosing a sorority or fraternity! 30 2.9 The Secret Side Hustle I t’s strange to say now that about six years ago spaces for immigrants that identified as creatives, whether that be in writing, media, art, or advocacy barely existed. Back then, my hobby was my only way to pass the time, because I couldn’t bring myself to do much else. Ironically enough, I think it’s been somewhat of a requirement for all South Asians to have hobbies. I remember growing up and being thrown into Bharatanatyam, a classical Indian dance, and various other sports and clubs. Even at a young age, I was being taught to be “well-rounded” and a “good” candidate for college and beyond. That was always the end goal. It was never what makes you happy, it was always what makes you successful. I spent years trying to please my parents, trying to exceed in school and being the best at every sport, every dance, and every club I was thrown into. That’s not to say I didn’t appreciate certain aspects of what I was doing then, but there was always this feeling of emptiness because I was always guided in my endeavors. After I went off to college, things changed. My first two years were spent away from my parents on campus, so their influence on what I did in my free time diminished but only to an extent. While their mentality was the same as before, because I was around them less I took the liberty to do what I wanted, even if it required me to lie. The first time my parents discovered I was writing poems, my mother ripped every handwritten poem in my journal to shreds, exclaiming, “This is what you do instead of studying? This will never get you 31 t wo worlds: wh at we wi sh we knew g row i n g u p anywhere.” And for a while, I genuinely believed it. I believed that my writing was useless and that I was wasting my time doing something that had no future potential. That incident stopped me from writing on paper. I never wrote a single poem on paper after that, instead, I snuck writing in the notes section of my phone. I had to rebuild everything after that, it was like I had never written in the first place. But then days turned into weeks, and weeks to months, and I decided to screenshot one poem and post it on my social media. From then on, my secret turned into my secret world. As the years went by, the tiny world I created grew and it brought praise as well as opportunity after opportunity. But the one thing it never brought, was my parents’ approval. But it became a habit, writing at night while everyone was asleep, pretending to do homework to write poetry, it all became a way of life. As opportunities grew for me, hiding my “secret side hustle” became more and more difficult, because I began to get involved in endeavors that required much more speaking. My evenings were constantly spent on Slack and on Zoom calls (with my bedroom door shut of course), but as I spent more time locked in my room working on new projects, my parent’s questions only grew. Who was I constantly talking to, why was my door always shut, etc. For the most part, I gave out very few details making excuses that I was involved in school clubs related to my major, and we were required to meet via video chat to discuss things. But there’s only so much you can hide until the lie becomes too big. About two years ago, I received the opportunity to participate in a mental health storytelling campaign in partnership with Harvard Medical School. Needless to say, this was a huge opportunity for me and I wasn’t about to let it go. But this project came with a photoshoot organized by their staff, and it wasn’t something I could only do online. I thought I’d be okay considering no one would be home, but sure enough on that one day, I was discovered. Even still, I made up whatever excuses I could to suppress the matter. And it worked. Until a magazine from the hospital came for me in the mail, with my face on it. I thought I could be swift enough and whisk the magazine upstairs before anyone could see it, but as I was going upstairs I was stopped and forced to show them my accomplishment. It sounds weird saying that, right? One of the biggest accomplishments in my life and I was trying to slink away with it. 32