Two worlds Akul MunjAl & VAMsi Reddy WhAt We Wish We kneW GRoWinG up Two Worlds: What We Wish We Knew Growing Up Akul Munjal & Vamsi Reddy All rights reserved First Edition, 2020 Copyright © 2020 Akul Munjal & Vamsi Reddy No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by means electronic, mechanical, photocopying, or otherwise, without prior written permission of the Authors. Requests for permission should be addressed to Akul Munjal & Vamsi Reddy v Contents 1.1 IntroductIon ............................................................................ 1 AutHor LISt ................................................................................. 3 ScHooLIng .................................................................................. 5 2.1 tHe non-greAt VALue gAme of LIfe? ................................. 7 2.2 grAdeS: tHey mAtter & tHey don’t ............................... 10 2.3 eLementAry ScHooL: on BeIng dIfferent .................... 13 2.4 fIndIng my extrAcurrIcuLAr excItement ................. 16 2.5 cHooSIng A cAreer In An ImmIgrAnt HouSeHoLd .... 18 2.6 IS coLLege requIred? ............................................................. 21 2.7 fAr from Home ........................................................................ 24 2.8 BeIng IndIAn, goIng greek .................................................. 27 t wo worlds: what we wish we knew g row i n g u p vi 2.9 tHe Secret SIde HuStLe ........................................................ 31 2.10 doIng tHe moSt ....................................................................... 34 2.11 AppLe Among orAngeS .......................................................... 37 2.12 JoInIng etHnIc groupS ......................................................... 40 dAtIng ........................................................................................ 43 3.1 dAtIng: SHouLd you InVoLVe your fAmILy ................... 45 3.2 don’t tALk ABout It! ............................................................. 49 3.3 SHouLd I get An ArrAnged mArrIAge ............................ 53 3.4 BI(SexuAL) .................................................................................... 56 3.5 fALLIng In LoVe Into tHe reLIgIouS dIVIde .................. 59 3.6 not your mAmA’S BIrtH controL .................................... 63 3.7 unSpoken .................................................................................... 67 3.8 frIdAy tHe tHIrteentH ......................................................... 70 pArentAL expectAtIonS ...................................................... 77 4.1 generAtIonS of expectAtIonS........................................... 79 two worlds: what we wish w e k n e w g row i n g u p vii 4.2 cHAIned to my mom’S SAcrIfIce........................................ 83 4.3 HAndLIng HeLIcopter pArentS.......................................... 86 4.4 cIrcLe of LIfe: HumAn edItIon .......................................... 89 4.5 WHy don’t I feeL good enougH ....................................... 92 4.6 drInkIng- tHe rISkS And unIntended conSequenceS... 96 4.7 LIgHtHeArted permAnence ................................................ 99 4.8 too mucH SkIn ....................................................................... 102 4.9 WeAr tHe pAntS In your fASHIon decISIonS............... 105 4.10 LIftIng me up ........................................................................... 109 reLIgIon .................................................................................. 113 5.1 I’m free! ..................................................................................... 115 5.2 reSpectfuLLy decLIne .......................................................... 118 5.3 coVerIng up ............................................................................. 121 5.4 StAyIng HALAL In tHIS HArAm WorLd ............................ 124 t wo worlds: what we wish we knew g row i n g u p viii 5.5 not A qumrI ............................................................................ 127 5.6 SometImeS I WISH I WAS cHrIStIAn ................................... 130 5.7 cAStIng out cASte ................................................................ 133 IdentIty .................................................................................. 137 6.1 WHere do I BeLong? ............................................................. 138 6.2 SISterHood of tHe trAVeLIng doLL .............................. 141 6.3 A HAIry proBLem .................................................................... 144 6.4 Am I too dArk? - femALe perSpectIVe ............................ 146 6.5 Am I too dArk? - mALe perSpectIVe ................................ 149 6.6 tHe guIneA pIg cHILd ........................................................... 152 6.7 gender roLeS And expectAtIonS .................................... 156 6.8 tHe BeSt of BotH WorLdS .................................................. 159 6.9 knoWIng LAnguAgeS ISn’t cooL untIL you don’t knoW tHem Anymore ................................... 162 6.10 tWo HALVeS don’t mAke A WHoLe .................................. 166 two worlds: what we wish w e k n e w g row i n g u p ix 6.11 oLd cuLture, neW WorLd .................................................. 169 6.12 IS It too LAte to StArt emBrAcIng my cuLture? .... 172 6.13 your reLAtIonSHIp WItH your cuLture ...................... 175 nAVIgAtIng tHe modern WorLd ................................... 179 7.1 tHe goLden cAge (LA JAuLA de oro) .............................. 181 7.2 mIcroAggreSSIonS: Am I BeIng too SenSItIVe, or Are you BeIng too IgnorAnt? .................................. 185 7.3 BuILdIng poLItIcAL poWer In tHe ASIAn communIty ... 188 7.4 tHe uSA IS A meLtIng pot .................................................... 191 mAkIng frIendS In coLLege .............................................. 193 7.5 oVercomIng douBLe StAndArdS WHILe competIng In competItIVe profeSSIonS ...................... 195 7.6 HAppIneSS, unHAppIneSS, And tHe generAL StAte of BeIng ...................................................... 198 7.7 HoW’S your mentAL HeALtH?............................................ 204 epILogue .................................................................................. 207 8.1 WeLcome Home ...................................................................... 209 1 1.1 IntroduCtIon We are Akul Munjal and Vamsi Reddy. At the time of writing, we are fourth-year medical students at the Medical College of Georgia. We were both born in America but raised by parents who immigrated to the United States. As we grew up, we realized that our identity was constantly split and we existed in the crepitus of two different worlds. Through our own experiences and those of our peers, we decided to create a guidebook for the children of immigrants. No matter which background their parents are from, immigrant children face unique challenges and circumstances. This book has been authored by an immensely talented group of individuals from a wide array of cultural backgrounds. We hope that our stories and experiences serve as a guiding hand for future generations of immigrant children. We would like to thank all of the contributors that have allowed this project to become reality, all of your stories have been so inspiring. We hope that as the children of immigrants, we can give back to our countries of origin and the millions of immigrants who took the leap of faith to leave their home countries. Thank you for supporting this cause and we look forward to you joining us to read Two Worlds: What We Wish We Knew Growing Up. The chapters in this book are de-identified to protect contributors with sensitive topics, and therefore do not reflect the opinions of the editors, other authors, or any institution. Thank you all once again - we hope you enjoy it! We welcome any and all feedback, and please feel free to contact us at akulmunjal@gmail.com and vamsi32@hotmail.com. Sincerely, Akul Munjal and Vamsi Reddy 3 Author lIst Aditi Talkad Aditya Reddy Akul Munjal Alvin Anand Ammar Haque Amy Sahoo Ananya Munjal Aneesha Pydi Anvith Reddy Arman Qureshi Ashvanthi Raveendran Audrey Anand Christina Sun Clara Wang Durga Saseendran Erick Juarez Hari Vedantam Jackson David Reynolds Janani Naidu Janet Guo Jordan Moraczewski Kashif Malik Kingsley Anosike Meera Kuntwala Mona Abraham Naina Rao Natalie Moreno Nawar Khan Neelie Shah Neha Mandagarli Nikhila Hari Nina Daneshwar Nirupa Gadi Nishvanthi Raveendran Nitish Sood Pradeep “Sunny” Devarapalli Radhika Mohan Thotakura Rashi Agrawal Rasmita Jalla Rhea Gopali Rishabh Agrawal Rishab Chawla Rishi Prasad Saimrunali Dadigala Sanah Aslam Sasha Prakash Sehar Ali Shriya Boppana Sneha Peri Sonal Dugar Sujith Cherukumilli Sunidhi Ramesh Udit Thawani Vaidehi Gajjar Yusra Asif sChoolIng 7 2.1 the non-greAt VAlue gAme of lIfe? 18 years of being the perfect child for my parents...I made good grades, did philanthropic projects, participated in educational activities like debate, sprinted in varsity track and field (100, 200, and 400m), had a gigantic social network, and to icing on the cake - I was blessed to receive a full-ride scholarship to an out of state university at a renowned program. Perfect, right? That was my path, and from an outsider’s perspective, I was killing the game. Reality rapidly whacked me in the head, after 3 months of freedom when I came home for Thanksgiving, I knew my trajectory was going to be altered significantly. It was not because I was not intellectually capable, I was in the top 5 th percentile of my class. It was because I could not stay awake during lectures and I was not even remotely interested in what I was learning. I didn’t want to do engineering. The real Mount Olympus is the one conversation that will break lifelong dreams, even if they were not my dreams to begin with. It was a tough choice for me as I know I broke my parents’ hearts when I said I didn’t want to be a physician and within one semester of college, I knew for damn sure that Petroleum Engineering was out too. Constantly battling my parents and convincing them that medical school wasn’t in my sights was exhausting. What made it worse was the fact that two of my older brothers went to medical school, and one of my best friends growing up had gotten accepted into t wo worlds: what we wish we knew g row i n g u p 8 a BS/MD program. It led to a few sleepless nights, but my parents had finally come to terms with settling on petroleum engineering. Despite achieving some early academic success, I knew it wasn’t my calling, and I thought back to my roots. I was always hooked on making a quick buck, hustling, trading, efficiency, and using my scheming imagination to get to where I wanted to be. I would never cheat or harm anyone in the process, but I knew what was required and how to allocate my time. That ability to grind is how I was finessing my way through college. I may not be genetically blessed (not the smartest, tallest, nor the strongest), but when things got stressful I produced. The night I got back, the house was packed with relatives, and my brother and I had to share a room. He asked me how college was, and I spilled the tea about loving everything except for what I was studying. He laughed in my face predicting it and was unfazed that I had another plan. We went downstairs, I handed my dad a glass of water, and I told my parents that they had raised me to follow their footsteps. I will never forget the look my father gave me- it spoke for itself. He proceeded to sigh deeply and prayed that I would change my mind. Personally, the weirdest part was the fact that HE wasn’t a doctor or engineer but was not supportive of what makes him as successful as he is (he is a businessman). Shortly after, I told him about my plan to major in finance. In retrospect, that has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. During the process, I met numerous impactful people, one who changed my whole perspective on life. Post-college, I ended up working at a place where I received 5 years of commodity training experience in 18 months. Additionally, I put myself in a position to pick people up along the way- getting several of my friends hired at prestigious companies and fully utilizing my strengths. My parents have come around, and have recognized how in my first year I am more financially successful and mentally satisfied than I would have been in engineering (sorry not sorry engineers). I learned four critical things from this that I would advise any of you with similar thoughts. First, always be looking to change, grow, and avoid complacency like the plague. Second, don’t be afraid to hear the voices of experience, validating or contradicting decisions you ultimately make. Third, don’t look back because that’s how it has always meant to be, and it was your choice under your own free will (no matter the circumstance). Lastly, one thought, one conversation, two worlds: what we wish w e k n e w g row i n g u p 9 and one decision all have the potential to transform you, your legacy, and your future. Life is based on decisions, options, and opportunities; welcome to the game, and I wish you the most success. key points: 1. Don’t be scared- this is your life, be selfish, and do things for YOUR BETTERMENT. 2. If you hate something day over day, and the situation is not improving- CHANGE IT. 3. Parental expectations and repayments might be impossible to satisfy, but it’s because their love is deep. 4. Acknowledge your power with just one thought, conversation, and decision. 10 2.2 grAdes: they mAtter & they don’t I was told for most of my life that my grades defined me. That they were somehow a marker for how “good,” how “smart,” or how “special” I was. They would decide my life—where I’d go to college, what jobs I’d be able to get, and what career paths I’d be able to choose. Aim your hardest, they told me. Aim your hardest, try your hardest, score your best, and you’ll get everything you’ve ever wanted. That those letters, those numbers, mean everything. That’s what I was raised to think. And I believed it. I slept four hours a night during my entire junior year of high school. In the trenches of college, I slept at the library. I measured my success and my competence by the scores I received. An A? I told myself that I had worked hard; that I tried my best; that I was competent, able, and intelligent. But if I got a B-? Then I told myself that I hadn’t worked hard enough; that I could’ve tried harder; that I was average, mediocre, and incapable of success. Toxic? Illogical? I know. Year after year, I never went out, missed most social events, and rarely visited home. I told myself I was doing it for a reason; after all, my grades were the highest they had ever been. The more sacrifices I made, the better I did. But at what cost? The reality of the value grades hold is murky. Take it from someone who learned this the hard way: they do matter—just not as much as you’re always told that they do. They alone will not get you into your dream school or land you two worlds: what we wish w e k n e w g row i n g u p 11 your dream job. More importantly, they alone will not keep you from your dream school or keep you from landing your dream job. More importantly, they are not worth your mental health. They are not worth your relationships. They are not worth your happiness. They are not worth your worth. So, where is the balance? And how do you find it? 1. you know you better than anyone else. Sometimes, the expectations that the outside world puts on you can be overwhelming and unreasonable. Are those expectations for you the same as your expectations for yourself? Be honest with yourself. Follow your dreams and your aspirations—not the ones that someone else dreamed for you. 2. Set reasonable expectations —for yourself and for those in your life who may be pressuring you to score a particular way. Are impossibly high grades necessary for success in your chosen life path? Probably not. It may be hard to explain this to your parents (or whoever else), but do it anyways . Chances are, everyone has the same end goal in mind: your happiness and your success. 3. know your limits. Draw a line. Know what you are willing to sacrifice and what you are not. Have someone who loves you and cares about your well-being keep you accountable—someone who is willing to say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve stopped [insert priority here]. What’s up?” 4. your balance is your balance. What works for you may not work for your friends or the other people around you. Find a study method that supports your way of learning. Adjust as needed. Stick with it. 5. Balance means balance Grades aren’t everything, and most of us do not find our peak happiness in school. Dance. Draw. Read. Write. Run. Climb. Exercise. Swim. Do what it is that takes you to that peak. Be a person outside of your work. 6. Ask for help. Everyone stumbles. Everyone. Reach out for support. Lean on the people you love. Accept that you cannot be your best self at all times— and that’s okay. 7. Leave your self-worth out of it. Who you are is not a number. It’s not a set of numbers or a set of words. It’s not even a hundred thousand words. We don’t let ourselves be defined by labels, by t wo worlds: what we wish we knew g row i n g u p 12 ill-defined boxes, or by descriptions that do not encompass the full depth of who we are. Why, then, do we feel validated by good grades? And negated by bad ones? There’s more to you than school. Don’t forget that. At the end of the day, school (and your eventual career) is only a part of your life. You will learn a lot. You will find yourself along the way. But it is only a part of who you are. There’s no reason for your grades to be any different. key points: 1. Being successful on paper doesn’t necessarily mean you are happy, well, and healthy doing it. 2. Grades are never a make-it-or-break-it. 3. Lean on the people you love. Ask for help when you need it. 4. School is only a fraction of who you are; be a person outside of your work. 5. Follow your dreams and your aspirations—not the ones someone else dreamed for you.