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NICK alternate title: PUNCHING DOWN PILOT: "The Flapper" written by minds.com/rdlln INT. NICK’S STUDIO - DAY NICK is seated at the mic wrapping up a rant about transgender women being allowed to compete against real women, or some such “controversial” topic. He ends the show, bullshits with THE GUYS -- steps -- EXT. NICK'S STUDIO - DAY -- outside, lights a cigarette. Nick's PHONE RINGS in his pocket. NICK’S PHONE Andi calling. He answers. NICK (into phone) Hey. INT. NICK’S HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY ANDI seasons a tray full of potato wedges, yells at her phone on the counter. ANDI You need to pick up a flapper on your way home. Intercut Nick/Andi NICK A flapper? ANDI Yeah. NICK Like a dame with a nineteen twenties fetish? This mean you changed your mind about a threesome? ANDI A threesome where me and her watch you fix the toilet? Sure. NICK What’s wrong with the toilet? 2. ANDI (annoyed) The flapper. NICK Oh, you turn the water off? ANDI Are you trying to get shanked? Of course I turned the water off. I'll send you a pic so you know which kind to get. NICK Which toilet is it? ANDI The one the Ballens are going to have to use later, unless you want to send them traipsing through the house. NICK Fuck, forgot about that. Why do we have to be all neighborly and shit? Do I really have to meet these people. Can't we just be hermits, like in New York? ANDI You were a hermit. I had friends. Unless you want to move back... Andi lifts the potatoes, opens the oven door. ANDI ...I'm gonna need some new ones. We watch from inside the oven as the tray comes at us. The door closes. SMASH TO BLACK: FADE IN: INT. HOME DEPOT - ENTRANCE VESTIBULE - DAY Nick enters through the sliding doors and is immediately confronted by a 25 year old, white SOY BOY rocking a man bun. He steps in front of Nick, points to a solar panel display. 3. SOY BOY Excuse me sir, would you like to help save the Earth? NICK No thanks. Nick goes to sidestep around him, but Soy Boy heads him off. SOY BOY But you haven't heard how -- NICK What part of no thanks is confusing to you? He sidesteps again. This time Soy Boy stays put as he passes. SOY BOY (sarcastically) Have a wonderful day. A COUPLE around Nick's age enters through the sliding doors as Nick stops, turns around -- gets in Soy Boy's face. NICK Listen you smug, little piece of shit. You want to save the Earth? Why don't you start by doing something productive with your life instead of selling this climate Nazi nonsense to people who are just trying to fix their fucking toilet. Soy Boy throws up his palms, backpedals. The Couple looks on, horrified. Nick storms -- INSIDE THE STORE -- into the entrance area where he's met by a large, white, manly looking GREETER in her 30s. GREETER Welcome to the Home Depot. Can I help you find anything? NICK Yeah, the manager. 4. GREETER Oh. What seems to be the problem? The Couple enters, hurries past them. NICK The problem is you got David Beckham out there harassing your customers with his uppity attitude and envirofacist bullshit. GREETER Sir, please don't use that word. NICK I'm sorry, you're right. I shouldn't have cursed. GREETER No, I meant the "U" word. NICK The "U" word? Nick stares at her in disbelief. Thinks on it. NICK Uppity? The Greeter nods. NICK You don't want me to say uppity? GREETER It's offensive. NICK To who? She looks around uncomfortably. GREETER (whispers) African Americans. NICK What? What the hell does me telling a white woman about an uppity white guy have to do with black people? GREETER Now you're assuming my gender. 5. Nick looks like a vein is about to burst in his forehead. NICK Am I assuming your race too? You know what, fuck this. I'm going to Lowes. INT. LOWES - PLUMBING AISLE - DAY Nick peruses the selection of flappers. Picks one up. Compares it to the picture on his phone. Looks good. He starts down the aisle. A FEMALE EMPLOYEE, 40s, heads towards him. She stops. FEMALE EMPLOYEE Oh my God! I know you. You're that comedian. NICK Yeah, that's me. FEMALE EMPLOYEE What are you doing here? He shows her the flapper. His face asks, "Isn't it obvious?" FEMALE EMPLOYEE I mean here in Augusta. NICK I live here now. Just moved in last week. FEMALE EMPLOYEE Oh, you retired? NICK No. Still hustling. FEMALE EMPLOYEE I haven't seen you in anything for ages. They really need to have you in more stuff. You're hysterical. NICK I agree. FEMALE EMPLOYEE Can I get a pic? 6. NICK Sure. He stands beside her as she throws an arm over his shoulder, SNAPS a selfie -- checks it. FEMALE EMPLOYEE Thank you so much. NICK You're welcome. Make sure to subscribe to my podcast. She types on her phone, half listening. NICK Can find it at Nick dip dot com. FEMALE EMPLOYEE I will. Thanks. She puts the phone to her ear as they go their separate ways. FEMALE EMPLOYEE You'll never guess who I just ran into in the plumbing aisle. (then) Jon Lovitz. (then) I know, right? Off Nick's agida ridden face as we -- CUT TO: A MAIN AISLE Nick rounds a corner, stops when he spots a scrawny, long haired, blue-eyed, blond KID, 10, standing in the middle of a BATHROOM DISPLAY The Kid looks deeply distraught. Nick steps into the display area, looks around for any sign of an adult -- doesn't find one. NICK You okay? 7. KID (ignoring Nick) Mommy? (then) Mommy! Nick looks around, unsure how to proceed. NICK (calling out to anyone) Can we get some assistance over here? KID MOMMY! He motions for the Kid to calm down, keeps looking for help. A very tall, 300 plus pound BLACK MAN, 40s, who we'll come to know as DeVON, shuffles in from the adjoining display. He carries a new drill case and wears a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts and a camo jungle hat. He looks pissed. DeVON There you is. KID MOMMY! DeVON Knock it off. You know your momma ain't here. DeVon notices Nick looking at them. DeVON Can I help you? Nick notices the sidearm holstered on his hip. NICK Thought she was lost. DeVON KID He was. I'm not a she. NICK Oh, sorry. Nick continues on his way. DeVON You want folks to know you're a boy, let me take you for a haircut. 8. We track with Nick -- A MAIN AISLE -- when the Kid races up to him from behind, snatches the flapper from his hand -- sprints on down the aisle. NICK (calling after The Boy) Hey, what the fuck! DeVon jogs past him, huffing and puffing. He stops. Rests his hands on his knees. Catches his breath. DeVON Sorry man. Kid's nuts. NICK You think? DeVON She won't let me put a leash on him, or beat his ass. What am I supposed to do? NICK Crush up some Benadryl, mix it in with his mac and cheese. DeVon looks to Nick as if he's a genius. DeVON That's a great idea. NICK That was a joke. Don't do that. DeVon is disappointed. NICK But I like the leash idea. Keep working on her, maybe she'll come around. DeVon nods, jogs on. Nick heads back for another flapper. SELF CHECKOUT AISLE Nick takes his receipt, grabs a bag containing the flapper from the bagging area. 9. He turns to go, clocks DeVon DRAGGING the Kid by the wrist to the machine across from him. The Kid KICKS and CLAWS in an effort to break free while DeVon tries several times to scan the drill case. Finally it BEEPS. He reaches for his wallet when the Kid GRABS the case with his free hand -- BANGCOCKS DeVon with it. DeVon buckles over, reflexively cupping his cherries. The Kid CRACKS HIM IN THE FACE WITH THE CASE, sending him down for the count. He looks to Nick, then to DeVon's sidearm -- dives for it. Nick crosses, gets there just in time to GRAB the Kid's hands as he tries to rip the gun from DeVon‘s holster. He WRESTLES with the Kid, gets him into a FULL NELSON. The Kid FIGHTS and FLAILS like hell. Nick looks to a MALE EMPLOYEE monitoring the aisle. NICK A little help here? The Male Employee looks on impotently. The Kid finally stops struggling. KID Let me go you fucking kyke! NICK What? I'm not Jewish you mini- Spicoli motherfucker. DeVon starts to show signs of movement. KID I'm not going with that nigger. You can't make me. NICK Holy shit, you little racist pr -- Ow! The Kid STOMPS on Nick's foot, BREAKS FREE from his grasp -- BOLTS out of the store. 10. DeVon sits up. Nick helps him to his feet. NICK You hear what he called us? DeVON Yeah, he gets that from his old man. NICK His mom must have a magic pussy for you to put up with -- Nick stops himself when he realizes that DeVon is looking intently at someone behind him. He turns to see KIMMY, 34, a tall, hot blonde wearing a sundress, a MAGA hat and an AR-15 slung over her shoulder. She's glares at DeVon. KIMMY Where he at? Nick and DeVon look to one another, then sheepishly at Kimmy. CUT TO: EXT. LOWES - DAY Nick, DeVon and Kimmy exit the building. DeVON He probably playing hide and seek again. KIMMY (to DeVon) I'm a look for him. Stay put, case he come back. Kimmy treks off into the parking lot. Nick lights a cigarette, offers one to DeVon. DeVon waves him off. Sits on a metal platform truck, produces an asthma inhaler from his pocket -- takes a hit from it. NICK Tell me, how's a guy in your weight class land a piece of ass like that? You must be hung to your ankles. 11. DeVON Watch your mouth. Just 'cause I ain't wife her yet don't mean you can be talking 'bout her like she some kind a thot. NICK I didn't mean to imply she was a thot... just... you know... DeVon fixes Nick with a look that suggests, "No, I don't know. Explain." NICK ...yous are an odd couple is all. That seems to placate him. DeVON She only got with me to piss off her ex. But we clicked, so here we is. NICK Yeah, I can see you click when it comes to guns. DeVON Ugh, don't tell me you're one of those gun grabbing wackadoos. NICK No. Those wackadoos are the reason we moved. I've never been a big gun guy, but first thing I did when we got down here was apply for my carry license. DeVON No shit. (reaches into his shorts) Here. DeVon takes out his wallet. DeVON My card. He takes a business card from his wallet, hands it to Nick. DeVON 'Case you're ever looking for someone to shoot with, or any of my other services. 12. DeVon puts his wallet away. Nick reads the card aloud. NICK Devon Douglass. DeVON It's Day Von. NICK Firearms instructor, security consultant, bouncer, body guard, handy man, landscaper, session drummer, pig roaster... cuddler? Nick tucks the card in his wallet, eyes DeVon with surprise. NICK I'd have never pegged you for a Mexican. DeVon CHUCKLES. DEVON You a funny guy. I like you. No homo. NICK I like you no homo too. Nick slips his wallet into his pocket, tosses his cigarette to the ground -- snuffs it out with his foot. NICK Good luck with the kid. DeVON Thanks, but with my luck he gonna turn up. He always do. Nick walks off. DeVon takes another puff from his inhaler. INT. NICK'S TRUCK - DAY Nick STARTS THE ENGINE, pulls out of the spot, drives. EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY We see the Kid in profile, running alongside a parked SUV. He's on a collision course with Nick's truck, which comes towards us at 15 miles per hour. 13. As the kid crosses in front of the truck we -- CUT TO: INT. NICK'S TRUCK - DAY Nick‘s arms lock. Eyes shut. BRAKES SCREECH as we — SMASH TO BLACK: FADE IN: We look through Nick’s eyes and see that the Kid is still running, unscathed. Then -- THUD! The seat belt tightens, yanks Nick back as the truck lurches forward, then stops. Horror stricken, Nick looks out over the hood -- sees Kimmy run past. He turns his head, watches her chase after the Kid. Nick looks in the rear view mirror. NICK Fuck. Unbuckles the seat belt. EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY (CONTINUOUS) Nick steps out of his truck, sees that he's been rear-ended by a Prius. A woman, 50s, gets out from the driver side, leaving the door open. She looks like Olive Oyl and Bob Ross's bohemian daughter. Their arrogant and pretentious bohemian daughter. A short, fat man, 50s, exits from the passenger side. He wears a beret, John Lennon sunglasses, and the little hair he has left in a long ponytail. He looks high as fuck, because he always is. We should recognize them as the couple from the Home Depot, whom we'll eventually come to know as FRAN and DAN. NICK You guys okay? FRAN We're fine. 14. Nick and Fran inspect the damage. Dan comes around the back of the car, joins them. DAN Shouldn't have stopped short like that. NICK Really? Should I of run the kid over? FRAN (to Dan) I'll do the talking. She opens the door to her car, reaches inside for her purse. Nick takes his phone out of his pocket. NICK Doesn't look too bad. He SNAPS some pics from various angles. Fran takes her phone out of her purse, does the same. FRAN Yeah, doesn't look like we have to report it. I'll get a quote and you can just pay me cash. NICK You think it was my fault? You shouldn't have been riding my ass. DAN She wasn't. Nick punches a number into his phone. FRAN (to Dan) Don't say another word to him. Go get the insurance card. DAN From where? FRAN (sardonically) From the glove compartment. Dan schleps off around the car to the passenger side. Nick holds the phone to his ear. 15. NICK Yeah, I'd like to report an accident. (then) No. (then) Yes. He walks off out of sight and sound as we hold on Fran who reaches into the car, takes the insurance card from Dan. FRAN (in hushed voice) I better not have to tell you again to keep your mouth shut. If you want that cage coming off before -- She stops, sensing Nick's presence as he steps up behind her. NICK (to Fran) This is Orchard Road, right? She nods. NICK (into the phone) Yeah, Orchard Road. Okay, thanks. He ends the call, looks from Dan to Fran. NICK What do you got him wearing a cock cage? No wonder he was jealous of you riding my ass. Fran slams the driver side door, glares at him. FRAN You're a horrible person. NICK And you look like Rhea Perlman on meth. Let's just exchange information and wait for the cop to get here. Nick goes to get his insurance card from his truck. MOMENTS LATER Nick and Fran exchange their license and insurance cards. 16. Fran looks at his license, horrified by a sudden realization. FRAN Di Paolo? You just moved here from New York? NICK Yeah, haven't gotten to the DM -- His eyes widen upon reading hers. NICK Fran Ballen? NICK FRAN We're neighbors. We're neighbors. Off their disgust as we -- FADE TO BLACK