MASCULINITIES CIRCLES: A HANDBOOK Read on! It's not my fault I'm a man I want to be an ally but constantly questioning myself is lonely and tiring I am amazing at flirting ARE ANY OF THESE U? Talking about deep stuff with men is... also hard Talking about feminism with women is hard Last year, a bunch of people who have been socialised* as men and live in the same city got together as a little group or circle. We met up regularly to work on, and play with, what masculinity means for us. A friend suggested we should should share our experience so - thanks to her - here it is! This zine talks about what we did, why, and how we reflect on it. If you want to start your own circle, here is a link to session outlines and other useful resources. Because we probably all need a circle in our life, to be honest! You'll need: a pen, paper, a bit of time, and an open mind. 2 What is dis? *offputting language? stick with me!!! you can think of this one as meaning ‘ brought up as boys ’ “Would be really cool when it stops (cause people leave) if you could make a little handbook where you talk about the process and everyone's experience and what should and how be improved” page 2 - what is dis? page 3 - that ’ s where you are now! page 4 - who is dis? page 5 - what did we do? page 12 - did it work? page 16 - what did we like about it? page 17 - what did we find challenging or limited? page 19 - words of advice page 20 - why bother? page 22 - **easter egg** page 23 - resources, ideas, glossary and other stuff contents We are a group of people who were brought up as boys, now in our 20s and 30s. Most of us met studying and living in Barcelona, Spain. We knew that a group from the year above in our course had tried to start a similar circle but hadn ’ t been able to get past the first meeting so we were motivated to at least reach meeting 2! Our circle ended up including other people we knew, too – friends, partners of friends, that kind of thing. We are from different parts of the Global North, and are all into trying to make the world a better place. For us, this includes better understanding masculinity and patriarchy and working on them. Who is dis? 4 Exercise [5 mins, pen and paper]: How would you describe the traits of mainstream masculinity? What questions do you have about masculinity? [In the end, we did far more – yay! – but the energy we got from knowing that that group had existed was another motivation for this zine ... ] We created a self-organised group which met regularly in-person between November 2022 and July 2023. At the beginning, we had no idea it would last that long. By the end, we’d covered a lot of topics in a lot of different ways – you can see whether people thought it was a ‘success’ a little later on. What did you do, then? 5 In general, we tried to make sure our experience was vulnerable and sometimes uncomfortable, and to manage this with care. This meant, for example, being wary of not just sticking to talking about patriarchy in abstract ways but mixing intellectual/rational/thinking time with practical exercises. But here ’ s a bit more detail 6 PHASE 1 Meeting #1 – We discussed: what are the traits of hegemonic (or mainstream) masculinity? What things do we want to question/discuss in this group? And how do we want to organise ourselves? Meetings #2+ - Every few weeks, organised the week before. Different facilitators and topics, some intellectual, some quite confronting. We met in one of our flats in the late morning for 2 hours. We usually had tea, coffee, biscuits while chatting about the topic of the meeting. PHASE 2 Relaunch meeting – New people had been joining the group, and we had learned some lessons from phase 1 (the lack of fixed schedule, the facilitation vibe from first few meetings). So we did kind of a restart meeting to chat about how we were organised and what we wanted. From then, we set a consistent schedule of biweekly meetings w/ a first section of care work between us, followed by a workshop on different topics. We were stricter with timing and distributed the facilitation further in advance - we got more organised! 7 PHASE 3 Summer break – many of us went back to our hometowns in July In this time, inspired by the friend ’ s suggestion and also to learn and gather ideas for when we came back after summer, we conducted a survey Afterwards, some messages circulated about a relaunch, but we never found the time or energy to restart. Some people had started working or moved away, many were starting their dissertations. The zine was also produced over... several months haha EXAMPLE MEETING 11:30 - 11:40: People arrive - And inevitably arrive late! 11:40 - 11:45: Check-in - How is everyone? Go around the circle 11:45 - 12:15: Emotional sharing - Split into groups of three. Person A shares something which has been affecting them, B actively listens and reflects this back, C listens and relates to own experience. Rotate. 12:15 - 13:15 Main exercise - Facilitator explains 3 types of patriarchal violence. Everyone journals on when we have committed them, then share experiences + discuss in small groups. Afterwards share back in the full group. 13:15 - 13;20: Logistics - Confirm next date, facilitators, location. 13:20 - 13:30: Check-out - How is everyone? Any reflections on the session? This is a real example, but just one example! The emotional sharing and main exercises varied quite a lot - not all were this challenging (although this one was particularly connecting, too). More info on how we organised and more example sessions, along with what we mean by ‘ active listening ’ and ‘ reflecting back ’ , is available here. The workshops varied based on the facilitators, here are some examples: Reflect on what characteristics belong to hegemonic masculinity Discuss how we have harmed others through patriarchal behavior Long meditation aimed at connecting to emotions Cuddle puddles and exercises involving touch Painting nails Discuss how to balance self-critique and self-compassion when deconstructing masculinity Care work section Workshop section We experimented with the care work and tried different structures of check- in and support: Sharing in groups of 3: one person shares some emotional experiences, one listens actively and reflects back, the other provides advice. Full group check-in: we take turns to share how we feel with the full group. OTHER IDEAS 9 We never came to a precise phrase to describe the objective of our circle. In the survey, people spoke about creating a space where those socialised as men could: R eflect collectively and critically on the different aspects of what masculinity means. How has our gender identity formed us? What norms exist around being a ‘ man ’ ? How can we challenge or deconstruct those? 1. Discuss how gender identity (dis)privileges us or leads us to toxic or violent behaviour, both against others and with ourselves? 2. Create moments of sharing and vulnerability between “men”, about past behaviours and actions as well as present feelings and struggles. 3. Practice other ways of being men, changing patriarchal socialisation and using the privileges we have to be a better ally to FLINTA*. 4. U nderstand patriarchal structures better. 5. “one small step on the road to abolishing the patriarchy” What was the point? 10 patience fragility Reflections on becoming more feminist a support group self-compassion self-reflection self-policing loneliness anger fear/insecurity love reinforces conflict leads to either/or provides confidence reinforces 11 did it work tho? Completely met Partially met Neither met nor unmet Partially unmet Completely unmet 0 1 2 3 4 5 In our follow-up survey, we asked a couple of different questions that could speak to this, and here are the results. You can be the judge! Does this sound worthwhile to you? To what extent has the objective of the group been met? Some mentioned the need for this to be ongoing work and that the timescale so far had been too short, others said other formats would be needed. Some also said that the way they ’ d written the objective made it very easy for it to be ‘ completely met ’ 13 Yes Maybe No 0 1 2 3 4 5 “I have more friends, I’m more comfortable being vulnerable (amongst men and generally), more aware/accepting of my toxic traits (past and present).” “I'm more confident in engaging in this conversation with other people. I have more trust in group processes. I have more trust in healthy masculinity!” Has participating in this group changed you? “I don't know if it really has changed me. Although I have definitely stepped out of my comfort zone in sharing more vulnerable sides within the group. I also learned more about how to participate in a self-organized group.” “I value male-caring company and noticed that I wanna incorporate similar circles into my life, from caring friends-groups to critical masculinities circles.” “I am not sure if it has changed me but it was definitely a great support in my never ending journey of understanding and deconstructing hegemonic masculinity. It also was a great reminder that individual experiences are related to societal conditions and more often than not shared by others.” “Already just by having a regular format to reflect and exchange on masculinities, helped me to have the topic more present in my daily life. Basically a reminder-function. Also, talking openly about my own patriarchal (mis)behaviors and patterns has helped me to accept them, which I believe is crucial as a first step to transforming these. Collectivizing the experience of masculinity and its transformation, rather than individualizing them.” 15 “I like how committed people were, and that we were with a group of people with similar questions. For me it was a unique experience, I have never met men who were as conscious about their own masculinity as in this group. It made me hopeful, and it was new type of space for me.” what did u like about it? The moments of sharing and vulnerability / other people ’ s honesty and bravery Building deeper relationships beyond “sometimes bro-ish” connections A feeling of a safe space Experimental nature: willingness to change as a group when we deemed fit Seeing that others want to do this work and have similar struggles and questions Learning about diversity of topics, learning from other people (their experiences, their resources, their perspectives) Having a space which feels like it contributes to abolishing systems of oppression which is more personal and yet also more social 16 ok, ok, and the downsides? it can ’ t all be great What did you find challenging about your experience? Well, to start with... Feeling like our action here was incommensurate with scale of the challenges out there Relating sessions to political practice Finding balance between care work and theory and reflection Fear of being judged Cultural differences may apply also in this context Fear of saying politically incorrect things? 17 Fear of not being feminist/radical/political enough Fear that people in room had a preconceived negative opinion of all types of masculinity Possibly being overly hard on ourselves / perceiving masculinity as necessarily a bad thing Being somewhat an outsider to the group / sessions where new people showed up Not always a safe space – some dynamics/contributions were perceived as cautious and inauthentic Earlier phase when timings were not fixed (stress) / hard to prioritise Not always being in the headspace for vulnerability or intimacy It’s challenging to feel awkward / insecure / ashamed One key risk: it could be easy to get together, support each other, but ultimately avoid discomfort. But discomfort is where the work is and where the growth is! So be sure to embrace it in your circle. Limitation: we received some feedback that we should include people not brought up as boys who may still have masculine traits. It ’ s a valid criticism, so if that feels right for you, do it! But it ’ s also important to have safe spaces, so there ’ s no ‘ right ’ answer. We toyed with idea of having an one-off open session but never got around to organising it. ADVICE FROM THE LADS Just start ! Mix theory and practice. Take time to build trust. If you take a longer break: fix a time to meet again before you leave. A bit of facilitation experience/kno wledge is useful. Start with figuring out what everyone ’ s expectations are and what the shared "knowledge" level is from which you start. Meet casually to discuss experiences and expectations but then try to quickly set a regular time. Agree on a common objective and keep each other accountable! Try to be curious and compassionate, not judging. Be brave. Don't be afraid to be honest and to open yourself to others: you will enjoy the process and give a lot of courage to others. Be brave with methods too. Embrace experiential learning, art, discussions. This makes it fun as well! Support each other from the start! Nobody knows or is the same. why bother? Because culture is an outcome of what people do. And doing things different is hard. And you don ’ t have to do it alone. Because it fucks us up, too. Not in the same way as women and non-binary people, but it does. Because transformation requires work at all different scales. This small but highly replicable structure can help us work better together and throw that hyper-defensive, hyper-competitive masculinity in the compost. Hopefully it is obvious that we live in a violent patriarchal system. It is deeply ingrained into our laws, our politics, our culture. We won ’ t go into more detail here, but as one example: this study was published whilst we were meeting up and shocked a lot of us. But why is a circle like this a good use of time to address all that? 20