The Letters - By Ezie Chinenye Yvonne -

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The Letters The love of a girl. The story of the love of a girl A girl becoming. A girl learning who she is. A girl learning what love truly means. The story of a girl. A girl loving a man. A girl loving a man but instead finding love The love of God. 2 WILD FLOWER Like a wild flower she grew Like nothing anyone had ever seen The likes of her only dreamt of in the minds of Men Men who had sought long hard and deep She was like a fairy tale A story from An old book Like a wild flower she grew Out in the forest deep and dark Amidst of all of nights' glory Out in the darkness she grew The moonlight her guide, her teacher and mirror She learnt to glow To be herself the light in the midst of the darkness Like a wild flower she grew Her growing knew no bounds nothing could keep her down all she could do was grow Like a wild flower she grew Learning to yearn for the light The light of the Sun The light of the Moon The light of God She grew to yearn for the feel of the Earth and of the Wind and of the Rain To fill herself up with these things were her most earnest desires Like a wild flower she grew Knowing the darkness to be her ally 3 Learning to walk in it Learning the voice of it Learning to be guided by it Understanding its sounds Releasing every fear she held of it Like a wild flower she relished in it, in the darkness She curled up and folded up and dwelt in it Like a wild flower she yearned for it For the night time and its quiet and its solitude For its peace She yearned for its healing As though it were the soul of her beloved, clinging to her and keeping her warm and safe Like a wild flower, she grew Deeper into the earth she grew Grounding herself into the rocks Her foundations shattering barriers and going deeper still Soaking up the richness of the earth, feeling deeply its fertility and making it her own In the nakedness of her being she worships and adores all life She pays homage to the works of the hands of the Creator She knows that she is blessed to be surrounded by them all Like a wild flower, she bloomed She bloomed and blossomed, wild n' all She bloomed with every blemish on her fine skin and with every flaw in her character She bloomed in cycles and all year around Like a wild flower, she allowed herself to be To just be She watched herself and let things be Because she understood that all things and all seasons told a different story And she needed her story to unfold for her to BE-come For her to be-come all that she aspired and knew that she was capable of being For her to grow into all of her beautiful wildness 4 She embraced it all She embraced every feeling Every desire Every discomfort and she sat with them speaking to them and learning about them Understanding their origins and their roots understanding their purpose and making them her own She was not sorry No She was unapologetic She knew that her path was hers and hers alone She did not turn sideways from it Every waking moment, she would acknowledge it, and then she would turn around and embrace it Like a wild flower, she could tell she was different She didn't think like the others She didn't grow like the others She was different She watched closely and paid attention when no one else seemed to be listening She watched colonies form around the others and she stayed alone Single and isolated. Alone. Like a wild flower, she enjoyed it She enjoyed being different She enjoyed standing tall even if she had to do it alone She would have it no other way She felt no void of emptiness in her solitude She felt full Full of gratitude for all that she was becoming She grew much larger and much deeper than the others She could see higher and further than they could and it made her love herself even more 5 So she reached and stretched She reached higher and further She reached for more More of everything that she understood had brought her to these heights All she wanted was more. More of herself. More of everything that felt like her. ...and thats when she met him... Right at the top of where her pain had finally turned into love Love for herself Love for her own Being. Thats when he came. When all she could do was love herself. 6 SALUTATION Oh morning glory, wash me with your beautiful melody Sing to me the songs of the birds and of the trees Sing to me the songs of the earth that only the stillness of my heart can bring to me Pray with me to God For there is nothing better to do Every morning she is birthed a new Her alter her fortress Maybe she’s two people Or maybe she is three. Who knows? Or perhaps she is Legion. Oh my dear, she is many. There is no end to what she might become. 7 SURRENDER Come autumn, come spring What will be will be For each season comes And each season goes And each brings great change Of this we know Angel wings, over me Guide my path, as I seek. 8 JOURNEY TO UNION Some days I desire you at a depth that bellows my insides Some days I feel you very strongly Powerful Passionate True Some days you occupy every cavity of my being Every vein I pulse and I quake and I quiver I writhe and I convulse Some days you grip me with an intensity that I have never felt and I never want to let go of I want to always be with you I always want to be in you This merging will be the life of me. But first, it will be my death. 9 MY HALF He is a reflection of me My traits My mannerisms My courtesies My beliefs My humour My morals My struggles My darkness My light My achievement My faith My battles My victory My creativity He is a reflection of me, down to his indentations and punctuations His silence His observances 10 His love His compassion His respect and his regard I see in him my humility, my simplicity He is my mirror He makes me see my great beauty My great and astounding beauty 11 ~ It is interesting to watch what I’ve become. More and more I crave absolute solitude. Complete silence and the stillness of darkness. Its interesting to know that I am finding my way in the darkness. To know that the darkness has birthed my light. ~ ~ Today, I gazed upon my skin Like milk, and soft Sweet. Like honey; brown Slender and petite and fragile, yet strong Dark hair, forest rich. I am a great sight to behold. ~ ~ I gaze upon the Sun Every morning, he sits at my window Blessing me with his beautiful rays 12 He comes to me excitedly without fail And sometimes I forget that he is there But even though I forget him many a times He never forgets me ~ 13 DESIRE I want to be touched. Physically I want to be touched by the hands of the one who SEES me The one that sees into my soul and knows it as his own I want to feel his gaze upon me. Intent. Unwavering I want to see into his eyes and see what he sees, feel what he feels I want to feel his love and his passion and his pain I want to feel his touch. Physically Tell me every story, show me every wound Speak of every darkness and every desire Open to me, that I may drink of my beloved ~ I thank you for your love oh Lord that overshadows all judgement ~ 14 LAMENTATIOTNS! There are certain codes we live by, each of us, and then ‘all of us’ collectively. They are many, and we repeat them every day. Mindlessly. We’ve learned them and have ourselves become accustomed to them such that, even in our sleep, there is no delay in our response through them. These codes prevail. Many of these codes are degenerative. They cause perpetual stagnation and deepen the degradation of our spirit, of our essence and of our aura. Slowly but surely, We go from the purity and endless imagination and gait of a child To a growingly numb adult With fear and belief in the inadequate, with hate and comparison and judgment and a complete acceptance in lack Lack that presents itself in every form Reflective in our own self-esteem, or lack of it Reflective in our desire to be like others, but never ourselves Reflective in our fear of everyone else that is different from us; from what we look like, from our worship, from our lifestyle, from our thinking, from our living, from our breathing. 15 Reflective of our hate for each other, for the animals and for the earth. It has become the Way It is not what always was But things changed so long ago and have progressively deteriorated since then But soon, there will be no more of these No more deterioration and no more pain For all will be destroyed And all will be birthed anew It is here It is now It has begun 16 ~ Only in moments of stillness do I find peace ~ SELF SABOTAGE I fear that I may not like the thoughts I find in my mind when I am alone with them I worry that my spirit may become unsettled by them And so, I avoid myself I fill up the time with none-sense Mindless scrolling Endless chatter I worry that I may not be enough to cross over the finish line Because I have set marks and standards and goals for myself Who’s to say that I can’t live above them? Who’s to say that I can’t win? Only fear! All this pressure upon my head I put them there didn’t I? I put them there by my very own hands THEY put them there too! 17 And I let them. “Its what I need to become who I’m meant to be” “Its what I need for my joy to be complete” “Its what I need to feel fulfilled” These are the things we tell ourselves and these are the places where we give our power away Leaning on the arrival of things yet to come in order for our joy and fulfillment to be complete, is the very way to give our joy and our peace away. Not recognizing that the joy is here, now, Ready to be had. 18 I AM I am full I am rich I am sexy I am beautiful I am radiant I am kind I am sweet I am funny I am generous I am strong I am determined I am resilient I am an achiever I am a dreamer I am a healer I am a support I am sweetness I am wise 19 I am forgiven I am forgiving I am divinely connected I am divinely led I am upheld I am protected I am emboldened I am light I am a survivor I am a conqueror I am a victor I am a queen I am a mother I am a nurturer I am a friend I am a confidante I am good counsel I am life I am union I am loved 20 I am love I am a beautiful flower I am the light of the moon in the dark night I am the depth of the ocean I am the strength of the sea I am a breaker of chains I am a builder of homes I am a keeper of families I am open I am receiving I am accepting I am growing I am glowing I am ascending I am loving I am joyful I am happy I am blessed I am fulfilled 21 I am content I am grateful I am creative I am free I am expressive I am at peace I am magnetic I am abundant I am prosperous I am fertile I am blessed I am fruitful I am caring I am generous I am resplendent I am light I am One I am All 22 ~ Everyone is Gold. You just have to be willing to walk through the fire of purification ~ FAITH What reason do you have to believe in God? In the face of so much Godlessness. Why do you believe in God? The Un-dying The Ever-Living You are Life The All-Seeing All-Knowing Creator The Beginning and the End By your Word are all things made Say the Word, and it shall come to pass. 23 Lord, it is only by grace that we hear and believe It is only by grace that faith is born It is never of our own independent doing Faith comes to those who seek in humility There is no pride in the quest for faith and no pride in the seeking of God If we go in by ‘will-power’ alone, we will surely fail For whether we admit it or not, Man is weak In the presence of the Divine Creator, Man is nothing Man is nothing without his maker He is a puppet on a string To be used as willed by the Maker It is folly to think so highly of ourselves without knowing and acknowledging the Source and Sustainer of our very being and existence Man is but a vessel A vessel into which the Creator pours His Spirit and gives His life It always comes back to Jesus The one who gave His life 24 Jesus gives His life Hoping that in His surrendering to the will of the Heavenly Father We too may learn That our lives too can be a perfect image of undying love through the very art of Surrender He died even though he had a choice to walk away He died to show us that obedience to the Father, is only complete when we totally surrender to His will and calling When the Spirit of God makes itself known to us, it is our decision to either heed to its calling, or shy away from it. A choice. Our freewill It is not always easy, humanly speaking, to answer to the calling of the Spirit, let alone answering the call every single time. It requires an ample amount of grace Grace which is made available to us Grace is birthed out of our deepest and purest desires to serve God. To know Him. To truly love Him. It is in this place of pure desire, that the great Creator, blesses us with Supernatural power and will to pull through our struggles into victory. 25 All to show us His great love and glory. Humility is required in order to know, to become aware and to understand God. Great humility must be known. AFFIRMATION ~ I am the example I wish to set in the world. I am a new light in everything that I touch and in every way that I interact I am a listening ear and rapt attention I am the immersion of Soul into life and living ~ 26 ~ All of God’s works should be praised all for the glory of God If not, why then do we praise? ~ MY CHILDHOOD TRAUMA “I ‘need’ the approval of my parents” - It was my air Now I understand that I may not always have their approval But I will always have their Blessing …because, Love. I’ve needed approval from too many people in order to feel okay with my actions Other people’s approvals have burdened my Spirit and Suppressed its unfoldment Because it differs from the things I receive approval for. When God is my compass When His Love is my compass 27 When His leading is my direction Why do I require the approval of men? Is God’s approval of me not worthy enough cause for my actions? Is His approval not mighty enough? Not confirmation enough? If God loves me unconditionally When I am ugly and pitiable and lying in the midst of my own vomit, drunk, How does He still love me then? Why does He still love me? When all I do is fail Him and myself and my family. How does He turn a blind eye to my sins and not strike me down? Why does He still favour me and give me new day and new life every day to see His Love again? Why do I place the approval of men over the approval of the Great King, Creator, Source and Sustainer? Who made every inch of me with great care and great detail and breathe His life into me Why did He see this creation fit, to receive his very essence, His very breath, His very own Life. 28 Why is He sharing all that He is with me? What am I that I should receive the life and essence of the Creator of the Universe and of All that exists. Why??? Because regardless of what we might think of ourselves, He who knows all, deems us worthy. There is no greater honour than to carry the conscious living breath of the Creator. To not know of this gift, of His life and His breath in us, is to be ignorant of all of the power that it holds and therefore the great power that we possess. It is to be asleep. Man wastes the gifts of God for lack of awareness. Man is Not Aware. Not aware of his breath and his breathing. Not aware of the sound of his beating heart. Not aware of the swaying and the singing of the trees. Not aware of the cooing and the cawing of the birds. Man is just Not Aware. He walks around asleep 29 Oblivious to how the Sun rises and how it sets. Oblivious to the clouds forming and the trees dancing. Oblivious to the mating dragon flies and dancing butterflies. Man does not see these things. And these things are always there. Man is asleep to the things of God. He has lost tune with that frequency. Scrambled by the noise of society and social media and the hunger and thirst for fame and power. Man embraces the frequencies of hatred and greed and jealousy because they help Man glorify himself all too easily. What Man does not seek glory? Even in the little things. We all do. We seek acknowledgment for our efforts. We glory in acclaim. Man desires to be Lord over himself But we do not own ourselves Our lives are not our own Why then be so reckless with it? 30 The approval of men is not always needed on the journey to God. We may desire it, but it is not necessary. His ways are not our ways. Holy books teach us that much. When the truth of the Spirit becomes known as, the Love through which the Creator provides for all things to bloom and manifest and grow, When the realization that all that exists does so through Love, For all that exists is sustained through the outpouring of Love from the Creator through every means necessary, When we realize that there is no “good” and “evil”, That there is only the ‘Will of God’ And nothing falls outside of the ‘Will of God’ Nothing. Not even disaster Or calamity Or death. When we realize that all is the Will of the Creator It is not to be questioned It is only to be accepted It may never be understood But our faith must persist in knowing that His Will is indeed All. 31 Whether sweet or bitter Joyful or sorrowful And there is a purpose to All things, Then we will find Peace. 32 “There is shame to be had. Shame that is worthy because it corrects us into right action for the peace of our Spirit. There is indeed shame to be had.” Ecclesiasticus 41:17-27 DECLARATIONS I give myself to you Lord. It is only you that I truly desire If you say the word, I will give it all up for you. Bless me Lord to carry this faith with great joy, and peace and humility and laughter. May the emergence of my light and my darkness birth a new and wonderful light through your love for me. Thank you for faithfully loving me. Through my weaknesses and through my pain, Through my darkness. Thank you for showing me the way back to you. Back to truth. Back to life. Thank you for calling me and naming me worthy. Thank you for dedicating your time and your life to me. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for new breath each day and new light. 33 Open my eyes Lord that I may see you. That I may hear you and that I may feel you. Open my heart Lord to receive You. Flood my body Lord with your great and wonderful presence. Make your servant an open vessel Lord. Why they rarely speak of your sweetness Lord I do not understand. I will speak of your sweetness Lord. You are sweet Lord Sweeter than the taste of any man You are strong Lord Stronger than the strength of any man You know me Lord And you show me the parts of myself that I have never seen before You alone Lord open my gates and cause my waters to flow You alone Lord open my gates and cause my rivers to flow You alone Lord are my sanctuary Build your throne within me Lord Deepen the roots of my foundations Lord that I may hold you up more firmly 34 Lord you are sweeter. You gladden my Soul and my Spirit and my Body. I want more of You Lord. Only You. For there is no greater love than yours. There is no deeper pleasure, than to taste of You Lord. Than to taste of your deep and faithful love. Undying. Ever present. Strong. Father take me. Take me now. Take me always. Take me and use me as You please. Let your holy light flood through me and make me new again. I am birthed anew every moment of your love. You invigorate me with new life and new passion. I am yours Lord. Only yours. Always and forever. I want to sing songs to you Lord. I want to tell the world about you in beautiful songs like David. 35 My sweet Lord, you please me very earnestly. You surpass my every thought and desire. I love how much you love me Lord I love how you bless me Lord You fight for me, and open doors for me, and shield me. Lord, I am yours. I will serve no other but you my Lord. Teach me Lord and I will praise you. Open my heart Lord and I will love you. Show me Lord and I will do your will. Open my lips Lord and I will sing to you I will tell of your great glory. 36 GIFTS OF SPIRIT I have come here to BE TO BE. In every way that my Spirit wishes to be. It is my duty to open myself up to Spirit and allow Spirit to flow. Spirit take charge! Lead the way! Choose my thoughts, choose my words, be the arm and the strength of my love. I want to live only through you. Through Spirit. I want only the things of the Spirit. Thank you for these great gifts. Thank you for the joy of my being Thank you for the joy of my being. Thank you for making me worthy. For making me a worthy vessel to carry the Spirit of God. I am an extension of the Father, I am a magnificent branch on His magnificent tree. I am a great spiritual being, walking in this vessel of flesh. 37 Thank you for your infinite grace upon me. ~ You are my only desire Lord. In You I have All things. ~ 38 BEAUTIFUL She is in a state of delusion where she sees herself as beautiful Whether bald or full haired With makeup or without On braids or an afro Light skinned or dark Chunky or light boned She dares to believe that regardless She is beautiful Without the embellishments of the world The world may think her crazy They may be concerned for her Because why? Why do you leave these beautiful things for this madness? This nakedness! Why do you adorn yourself with nothing but the bareness of your very being Why this shame? Look around you The world does not consider you beautiful You are not their type They need you in the mould that they are most comfortable in 39 The very mould which they have created for you But I my darling am not in the world The world is in Me I am Her I am bare and open and naked I bear the mark of the Creator all over my very being All over my very body My bare and naked body I will not be separated from Him 40