Cedric A. Thomas FROM ME TO YOU MAY 2 7 TH, 2022 1 Table of Contents Time ________________________________ _________ 2 A letter in July of 2019 ____________________________ 3 December 8, 2019 ________________________________ 4 2 years, 5 months 17 days __________________________ 6 What I miss the most _____________________________ 8 The Next Chapter _______________________________ 9 2 Time Time is something we often take for granted, especially during our youth. We often take for granted how precious time is, and all that comes with it. The memories, the warmth, the emotion, and the unintentional perfection that come in those moments make time so precious. While time seems infinite, it is ever so fleeting. We grow accustomed t o having people in our lives, and when they have been there long enough, time with them may feel guaranteed. Over the years, I have discovered that while time is essential, the people you choose to share your time with genuinely mean everything. Many make the mistake of experiencing these precious moments and thinking they will last forever. That life will continue to go the same way, and you don’t have to do anything to maintain those moments. You lose when you aren’t willing to fight for what and who you love. You lose time thinking about how something didn’t go your way instead of working things out and fixing the problem. You lose the privilege of sharing your life with someone who means everything to you, even though it feels like you have been with the m for a lifetime. Most importantly, you lose yourself as you search for part of your heart and soul that is impossible to replace. Unfortunately, this pain and anguish is something I am all too familiar with. There is only me the blame for the distance bet ween us, and the level of remorse regarding us is unbearable. I am sorry is nowhere near enough to make up for what I have done, but it is the first step. Bona, I am sorry. I am sorry for not reaching out, pushing you away, and making you feel as if you we re a bother to me. I wanted to take the time to tell you how I feel correctly. 3 A lett er in July of 2019 Looking back at that summer and all that was occurring in the world and our relationship I remember so many feelings of hopelessness an d uncertainty. I feel like that was the first time I was really without you since we met. I had never experienced a pain like that, and I just was very shitty at expressing how upset I was. Regardless of what we could control, I wish I had made my feelings more known to you. Because I internalized how upset I was, it affected my judgment and how I behaved towards you. When I got that letter from you in my mailbox, I didn’t even know how to react, honestly. To know that you still loved and cared for me enoug h to write that and make sure I got that letter overwhelmed me with so much joy and love. But at the same time, I was too immature to realize that I should have been working toward fixing what we had instead of running from my feelings. My most profound re gret regarding that letter was how it made you feel by not reading it at the time. I never wanted or meant to hurt you, and I am sorry that I did by disregarding what you wrote to me. It was beyond selfish of me to do that to you. When I eventually read wh at you wrote to me, it stung even more, to realize how bad I had fucked up. Now more than ever, I wish I had those words, and again I have no one to blame but myself. Not only by not reading it when I should have, but again realizing what had slipped throu gh my fingers. I am sorry I disregarded you in such a cold and cruel way. You did not deserve that at all, and I wish I had shown you that at the time. 4 D ecember 8, 2019 I recall not seeing you much before your bag arrived, and it was an adjustment. As I tried to focus on school, I still missed you frequently, no matter how hard I tried to fight it. I was excited when you texted me because it meant I had another excuse to see you. While I was still excited to see you, I still remember my anger over some things. When we met at Bahama Breeze, I took that time to express some things I hadn’t previously, and I wish I had approached things differently. “This sounds like a lot of talking about what I did to you and you not taking accountability for your actions, ” you said. A statement if I’ve ever heard one before. Like so many other times, you were entirely correct, and there was a complete lack of accountability on my part . I came ready to talk about only what I wanted to talk about, selfishly disregarding your feelings. To use that instance as a time to say those things that weren’t consistent with what happened. What I said came from thinking of only how I was impac ted and felt. Therefore, it isn’t the truth of the situation, as I again neglected your emotions and experiences. My decision to play this blame game and not hold myself accountable has led to many unintended consequences. My lack of accountability hurt you and made you feel something I never wanted to convey. I have always tried to show you how much I care and love you, but my lack of accountability directly contradicted anything I said. After all that we had been through t o that point, to think I couldn’t even give you the proper emotional support truly disgusts me. 5 December 11 th , 2019 When I left Bahama Breeze, I was still angry, even though I had no right to be angry. The absolute nerve I had to feel that way. As if I was the only one experiencing a breakup. Feeling like it was just me feeling alone, confused, and hopeless. But it wasn’t just me; it was us. At the time, the distance made me think I ha d lost feelings for you. Additionally, given what happened the last time we were intimate, I feel like that intensified my feelings. Loving someone so deeply and then realizing you are not giving them the satisfaction they need is a very tough lesson . I regret not being mature enough to realize that those tough conversations need to happen for people to grow. As painful as those conversations may have been, I wish I still listened so things could have been different. Once again, my running from my feelings of being hurt led me to handle things in an immature manner. I had no right even to say what I knew to you. We were not together, and I knew that. While I never intended to upset you, once again, I selfishly did just that. It was excruciating knowing you were with someone, and still dealing with the feeling of being unwanted by you led me to shut down and internalize my feelings for a very long time. When we smoked and had that conversation, I left very hurt. Being hu rt over being in your business was no one’s fault but my own. At first, I only looked at your actions and thought of myself, which showed I did not understand much. I thought I was ready to know certain things in so many ways, but I was not. We spoke about seeing other people, etc.., but I don’t believe I was genuinely ready for 6 it to come to fruition. What I was feeling was not your actions but me realizing you would be leaving my life and moving on. When I left that night, you tried to check on me and mak e amends for something you didn’t even do. It shows what kind of person you are and how much you cared for me. If there is one thing I could re - do indefinitely, it would be how I handled that situation. I wish I never hurt you and that I acknowledged my fe elings. But more so, I wish I had acted on them sooner. 2 years, 5 months 17 days 2 Two years, five months, and 17 days have passed since I have had the privilege of seeing you and being in your presence. I have missed another birthday, your graduation, watching you perform your music, and sharing in so many other special m emories in those two years. A lot can happen in two years, and thankfully you are still safe here today. When your sister texted me about what happened to you at work, I was shocked but very thankful to hear you were ok. I immediately assumed the worse, an d my feelings were on clear display. But, consistent with my behavior, I ran from what I was feeling instead of fighting for what I wanted. I let being angry and spiteful keep me from reaching out as I should have. If there’s one thing I know about you, we hate " a shoulda coulda woulda ass nigga ”. I often think about that statement and my behavior and just feel like a fool. I am sorry for not reaching out in the capacity I was capable of doing. I did a terrible job of showing it to you, especially as someon e who thought about you 7 daily and worried about you every day. In one of the moments you could have used my words the most, I acted cowardly by sending short and dry messages. I was beyond re lieved nothing happened to you, and you were alive, texting me. I was a fool not to tell you how I felt for so long, especially when you tried so many times to give me the reassurance I needed. Repeating what was stated earlier, I’m sorry isn’t nearl y enough to apologize for the missed time and hurt feelings. But it’s a starting point. Bona, I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry that I haven’t reached out to you over the last two years. I am sorry I disregarded your feelings and made you feel things you had no business feeling. I am sorry I was too much of a coward to tell you how I felt in the moment and the past two years. How I still feel to this day. The connection we had is unique and having gone without it for so long feels like part of my sou l has disappeared. I felt ashamed to admit I was hurt to lose such a strong bond. I was embarrassed to lose someone as unique as you for one reason or another. While I am no longer ashamed, I still hurt to think that I have done this. I have caused this dr ift between us. I lost out on a great privilege by immaturity and internalizing my emotions instead of expressing them to you — the privilege to be in your life. Now more than ever, I think about what we had and realize how important, beautiful, and rare tha t kind of love is. To say you’re one of a kind does not do you justice. Your intelligence and poise are never understated, no matter the situation. The warmth you provide to so many could power this world for a lifetime. Your smile commands the attention of any room you walk into, and rightfully so. You are the embodiment of perfection in this world. 8 What I miss the most 9 The Next Chap t er It is very unfair to you for me to just come back into your life and dump all of this on you. So much can happen in two years, and I must understand and respect that, no m atter how it may hurt me. Regardless of the hurt that may come from it, it is what I have incurred from you. Whatever happens between us next is entirely up to you. I have lost the right to be in your life, and only you can grant me that as you see fit. No matter what happens, please know I will always love you. I will always cherish how special the time between us was. I will always cherish how you made me feel. I will always value the time we had together, regardless of where we are now and in the future. I love you with all my heart, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Yours truly, Cedric A. Thomas