My Dinner With Superman (I'm Batman) an original, fair-use chill play by Jesse David Fox Characters: Batman Superman Penguin Alfred Maitre D Waiter Chef Bus Boy Little Boy Mom Woman on the street Woman in a nearby apartment INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING HOST is tidying up host stand, when she sees Batman rushing in. BATMAN Hello, I had a reservation for 8:30. I'm a little late. (pause) I'm Batman. MAITRE D Yes, of course, sir. Follow me. The other member of your party has already arrived. The begin walking to the table. Batman sees SUPERMAN. BATMAN Fuck. Was he on time? MAITRE D Precisely, sir. BATMAN Of course. Batman arrives at the tables. Superman gets up to greet him. SUPERMAN Is that the caped crusader himself? Superman gives Batman a big hug. Batman cringes a little. BATMAN Strong as ever I see. 2. SUPERMAN Haha. Yes. You look good. New suit? BATMAN Yeah, I added a bit more padding. You know what it's like getting older. SUPERMAN I do not. The heroes sit. SUPERMAN (CONT'D) Batman, if I am hearing Big Ben correctly. (pause) You are 15... (pause) No, 16 minutes late. Is everything ok? BATMAN Yes, I am sorry. Some us have to deal with traffic. SUPERMAN (laugh) Haha yes. I do fly. (pause) You are the one who chose Gotham. BATMAN Jesus. I'm sorry. I know you could've saved three cats stuck in trees in the time you were waiting. SUPERMAN No cat has gotten stuck in a tree in the last 16 minutes. Also, I have not done much cat-saving recently. (pause) Speaking of cats, how is Catwoman. BATMAN I feel like I've finally figured out what she's been building towards: stealing-- SUPERMAN (interrupting) Oh, I am sorry if I gave the impression that I was asking about your local crime sprees. I was trying to inquire about your love life. 3. Pause. BATMAN (opening menu) Soooo, what are you going to order? SUPERMAN (opening menu) Well, I was thinking about starting with the appetizers before moving on to the entrees. BATMAN Yes, that's how it works: You get an appetizer and then a little while later, you get an entree. SUPERMAN Oh no, I meant I was going to start with (waves at the left side of the menu) the appetizers and then go onto (waves at the right side of the menu) the entrees. BATMAN You're ordering the whole menu? SUPERMAN I was going to skip the contorni. But come to think of it, I will get those too. (looking off) MMMM contorni. BATMAN How are you able to eat that much? SUPERMAN The food really has no effect on me, as I get my strength from Earth's yellow sun. BATMAN (annoyed) Yes, yes. SUPERMAN But I do still like eating. I can taste human history in every dish. 4. BATMAN It's a shame. I can imagine you being more likeable fat. SUPERMAN (taps stomach) Super metabolism. Run around the Earth a few times; lift a few icebergs: (makes muscle) My body is still a temple. BATMAN (laughs) Of course it is. SUPERMAN What are you laughing at? BATMAN It's just pretty on the nose, coming from you who causes people to chant when you show up: "It's a bird...It's a plane...Hare Hare, Hare Krishna." SUPERMAN I do not tell people to do that. BATMAN And why are Metropolitans- SUPERMAN (correcting) Metropolisians. BATMAN Metropolisians? Really? Ok. Why are Metropolisians so excited to see a bird in the first place? SUPERMAN They still have a wonder, unlike here where people use birds to wipe their anuses. BATMAN That's just a rumor. (pause) At least Gothamites don't wear my first initial across their chest like it's a cross. SUPERMAN It is not my inital. It means "Hope." 5. BATMAN (to himself) Shope? Pause. SUPERMAN Why what are you going to order? BATMAN The spring pea soup. Not all of us can eat the sun, and then enjoy a whole menu for dessert. I have to treat my body like a machine. SUPERMAN So I assume wine is out of the question. BATMAN I don't drink. Numbs the senses. SUPERMAN Maybe it would do you good to be numbed from time to time. BATMAN This city never sleeps. SUPERMAN Pretty sure Gotham sleeps. It is just you who does not. BATMAN My foes can strike at anytime. SUPERMAN Two Face used to be like a regular guy with a day job: You think he does not sleep? Though, he probably does not lie on the scar side. BATMAN I'm Batman. Bat. Man. Nights my thing. SUPERMAN You must be yawning constantly at all those Wayne Industry board meetings. BATMAN I'm not. Wait. How did you know I-- 6. SUPERMAN (interrupting) X-ray vision. Remember? BATMAN Well, how do you do it? Is there a sunroof at the ol' Daily Planet, Clark? SUPERMAN I am not. Wait. How did you know I-- BATMAN Worlds greatest detective. Remember? Also, I looked at your face. SUPERMAN Haha! Very good. Very good. Pause. They look down at their menus, when Penguin arrives from behind Batman. PENGUIN Hello, would you like sparking or flat water this evening? Superman looks up. SUPERMAN (excited) Sparkling! BATMAN (still looking down) Flat. Carbonation might give me the burps, which w-- (looks up, realizes) Penguin! PENGUIN Batman! BATMAN (switching to the classic Batman furious voice) What are you doing here? PENGUIN (calmly points around) I own the place. BATMAN You do!? 7. PENGUIN It's called El Pinguino. SUPERMAN Batman, are you going to introduce me to your friend? BATMAN He's not my friend. He's a deformed lowlife. PENGUIN Slash restaurateur. I've gone straight, Batty. BATMAN Then what's with the umbrella? PENGUIN (lifts umbrella) What this? BATMAN Watch out! PENGUIN I rigged it to be a portable soda gun. Penguin put the tip of the umbrella in Superman's glass. We here the sound of water being poured. SUPERMAN (aside) Fun! Penguin does the same to Batman's glass. PENGUIN You have nothing to worry about. Penguin put the tip of the umbrella BATMAN That's what you said before you stole all of Gotham's babies and turned them into an army of genetically engineered evil human-puffin hybrids. PENGUIN That wasn't me. 8. BATMAN Oh come on , Penguin . Do you know how hard it was to have to punch a baby puffin in the face? PENGUIN That was ages ago. I've started going to a therapist and she's really gotten me seeing things differently. BATMAN (to Superman) Can you believe this? Superman ignores, paying attention. PENGUIN She says I committ crimes because I crave attention, stemming from the lack of a father figure growing up -- as you know, he died of pneumonia. SUPERMAN That makes sense. Right, Batman? Batman looks angrily at Superman. PENGUIN Moreover, I actually desired to be caught, which stemmed from having an over-protective mother. So, in a way, I have to thank you, Batman. Pause. SUPERMAN Are you not going to say you're welcome? Batman doesn't move. SUPERMAN (CONT'D) I bet he is still processing all of this. Please, go on. PENGUIN She helped me focus my energy into something productive. I already had some bar management experience and, (pointing up and down his body) the outfit, so I decided to open up a fine-dining restaurant. And tadah! 9. SUPERMAN It really is a lovely place, Penguin. PENGUIN Thank you. Hey, are you Superman? SUPERMAN Haha yes. BATMAN This is my nightmare. SUPERMAN You would have to sleep to have nightmares. PENGUIN Do you know what you'd like to drink? SUPERMAN I would like your oldest bottle of white. BATMAN (growls) Leave. PENGUIN Coming right up. I'll be back to take your orders. Penguin leaves. BATMAN We have to get out of here. (talks into his wrist) Alfred! ALFRED (O.S.) Yes, Master Bruce. BATMAN I need you to look into the finances of El Penguino restaurant. ALFRED (O.S.) Oh, I heard it's supposed to be good. BATMAN (getting up) Just do it! SUPERMAN Sit down. Sit down. You are not going anywhere. We are having dinner. 10. BATMAN The Penguin is on the scene again. He doesn't show his grotesque face unless he's up to something. SUPERMAN Yeah, up to getting his life together. Why do you not have faith in people? BATMAN Faith is walking into a dark alley unprepared to defend yourself. I am always prepared. SUPERMAN If Penguin is up to something, which I am not certain he is, I am sure you have plenty of time to foil him. BATMAN Time? It's so easy for you to say that, man of tomorrow. SUPERMAN Either way, while Alfred is looking into the Penguin, maybe we observe his behavior from up close? BATMAN Fine. You have an hour. SUPERMAN Thank you. BATMAN I'm going to the bathroom. CUT TO: INT. - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS In the kitchen we see Penguin talking to the staff. PENGUIN Big night team. Batman is here! (maniacally) Hahahahahahahahahahahaha... KITCHEN STAFF (joining in) Hahahahahahahahahahaha... Batman barges in. 11. BATMAN Oh, sorry. Where's the bathroom? PENGUIN Down the hall to the left. BATMAN (suspicious pause) Thanks. Batman leaves. EVERYONE Hahahahahahaha... Batman comes back. BATMAN You said left, right? PENGUIN Right. BATMAN Right? PENGUIN Left! BATMAN Right. (suspicious pause) Thanks. Batman leaves. EVERYONE Hahahahahahaha... Batman comes back. BATMAN My left or your left? PENGUIN Your left. BATMAN (suspicious very long pause) Thanks. Batman leaves. Penguin and staff pause, looking at the door. They wait. And wait. 12. EVERYONE Haha... BLACK OUT INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING Superman is sitting by himself at the table, humming the Superman theme song. Penguin approaches the table. PENGUIN Should I wait for your guest to return, before I read the specials? SUPERMAN No need. I will get them. As well as the rest of the menu. PENGUIN Would that be all? SUPERMAN Oh and a spring pea soup for my friend. PENGUIN Very good. Superman goes back to humming the Superman theme. He does this for a very long time. He gets more and more into it. LITTLE BOY approaches with his MOTHER. LITTLE BOY 'Scuse me, mistah, but are you Supah- man? SUPERMAN I am! LITTLE BOY Ummmmmm. MOTHER Don't be shy. LITTLE BOY I was wonderin' if I could get your autee-graph. SUPERMAN Of course you can, little boy, but what if you could get Superman and Batman's autograph? Hmm? My best friend Batman will be right back. 13. LITTLE BOY Ummm. The thing is. Ummm. SUPERMAN Yes? What is it boy? LITTLE BOY (looking at mom) Ummm. MOTHER Batman can be a real dick to kids. He says they are unreliable witnesses, and thus have no intrinsic value. SUPERMAN My word, what kind of man would say such a thing? CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Batman is in a bathroom by the sinks, shouting. BATMAN ALFRED! ALFRED! I'M TRAPPED IN HERE, ALFRED! A nouveau continental restaurant would be a terrible place to die, ALFRED! Man walks out of stall behind him, looking nervous and confused. Batman pauses. Man slowly walks out. BATMAN (CONT'D) ALFRED! ALFRED (O.S.) You have to calm down, Master Bruce. BATMAN YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN, ALFRED! ALFRED (O.S.) I am British, Master Bruce. Being calm is part of the territory. (pauses) Carry on. What were you saying? BATMAN What were you able to find out? 14. ALFRED (O.S.) Not much, as of yet. It appears Penguin has been renting the space, paying in cash. BATMAN There is no proof of a small business loan? ALFRED (O.S.) It doesn't appear he took out one. BATMAN (thinking out loud) Man, what a terrible investment. ALFRED (O.S.) I did find something about the chef. BATMAN What? Was he a black ops cook? ALFRED (O.S.) Oh no. According to Eater, he was the executive sous chef at a Manhattan restaurant called (pauses for effect) Gotham Bar and Grill. Batman is silent. ALFRED (O.S.) (CONT'D) Isn't that ironic? BATMAN Are you saying that that definitely super clever play on words suggests maybe The Riddler's involved? ALFRED (O.S.) (air quotes) Oh no. I just thought it was fun. BATMAN Call me back when you can tell me something I can use. CUT TO: INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS LITTLE BOY Thank ya, Supee-man. And I don't care what the other kids say, I think you would definitely win. 15. SUPERMAN Win what, little boy? LITTLE BOY In a fight against Batman. Batman walks up behind the little kid. SUPERMAN (points to Batman) Do not tell that to this guy. BATMAN Tell me what? MOTHER (nervous) Oh nothing. My son was just, umm, he was just-- LITTLE BOY I was saying if you ever fought Superman, he'd kill ya. BATMAN I wish. MOTHER (grabbing little boy) Ok, come along, son. Let the men enjoy their privacy. Little Boy and Mother leave. BATMAN What's his problem? SUPERMAN It is funny. BATMAN What's funny? SUPERMAN You must get it too. BATMAN What? SUPERMAN People are obsessed with whom would win a fight between us. BATMAN Oh ha. You get that too? 16. SUPERMAN Constantly. It is never, "What's flying like?" Or even "Have you ever used your x-ray vision to, you know, look in a girl's locker room?" BATMAN Yeah, though, Joker once asked, "Why so serious?" It was a hypothetical, but I was so excited to get a different question, I answered anyway, "Because my parents were murdered in front of me when I was a kid." Batman explodes in a violent laughter. Hits the table hard. BATMAN (CONT'D) Ok, so what is flying like? SUPERMAN You really want to know? BATMAN (overly excited) Yes! SUPERMAN It is like running. BATMAN (disappointed) Oh. SUPERMAN I have superspeed. I can run as fast as I fly. I fly because the air is clearer, and Superman flies. (looks at chest) I'm Superman. BATMAN But it's flying SUPERMAN Ready? Here is what it's like. Superman doesn't move. SUPERMAN (CONT'D) That. BATMAN What? You didn't do anything. 17. SUPERMAN You sure? Or did I move so quickly you did not notice? Pause. SUPERMAN (CONT'D) As I've learned to harness my powers, there is increasingly less difference between moving so fast you cannot see and not moving at all. BATMAN (certain) You didn't move. I could tell. SUPERMAN So certain. Pause. SUPERMAN (CONT'D) How about then? BATMAN (certain) No. Pause. SUPERMAN How about then? BATMAN (certain) No. Pause. SUPERMAN How about then? BATMAN (certain) No. Pause. NOTE: IF YOU'RE READING THIS AS AN ACTOR SOON TO PLAY BATMAN OR SUPERMAN, HELLO! THE FACT IS ONCE THE LIGHTS GO DOWN (AND UP), YOU'RE IN CHARGE. SO FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE REPEATING THIS AS MUCH AS YOU WANT. SENSE WHEN THE AUDIENCE IS TIRED OF THIS BIT, AND THEN DO IT A BUNCH MORE, IF YOU WANT. OR NOT! YOU'RE IN CHARGE. K, BYE. LOVE YOU. 18. SUPERMAN (frustrated) How about then? BATMAN (certain) No. Pause. SUPERMAN How about then? Pause. BATMAN (certain) Yes. Long pause. They stare each other down. Superman laughs. SUPERMAN Hahahaha. I am glad we are doing this. BATMAN Yes, I was surprised by the request. SUPERMAN You know, it is always business with us. You send me an anti-kryptonite hasmat suit. I get you a chemical only found on one of Pluto's moons. BATMAN Thanks again for that. SUPERMAN Sure, sure. I do not have many people I can talk to. Lois is a great listener, but sometimes you want to talk shop. BATMAN I get it. I used to talk about this stuff with Catwoman... (trails off) But now I don't. Waiter comes up from behind Superman. WAITER Your appetizers. 19. SUPERMAN (wishful) Thank you. WAITER Would you like share plates? BATMAN That would not be necessary. Superman starts to eat. Batman watches. CUT TO: INT. - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS WAITER I brought them their appetizers boss. PENGUIN Did they want share plates? WAITER They did not. PENGUIN Ok. Fire Batman's soup. Black INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Superman eats and eats and Batman just sits there. SUPERMAN Did you read Go Set a Watchman? BATMAN Watchmen? I don't read comic books. SUPERMAN No, Go Set a Watchman. It is the sequel to To Kill a Mockingbird that came out recently. Have you read To Kill a Mockingbird? BATMAN Yeah, when I was a child. SUPERMAN It is my favorite book. BATMAN So this sequel must've been very exciting for you.