My Dinner with Superman - Jesse Fox

Please enable JavaScript to view the full PDF

9. SUPERMAN It really is a lovely place, Penguin. PENGUIN Thank you. Hey, are you Superman? SUPERMAN Haha yes. BATMAN This is my nightmare. SUPERMAN You would have to sleep to have nightmares. PENGUIN Do you know what you'd like to drink? SUPERMAN I would like your oldest bottle of white. BATMAN (growls) Leave. PENGUIN Coming right up. I'll be back to take your orders. Penguin leaves. BATMAN We have to get out of here. (talks into his wrist) Alfred! ALFRED (O.S.) Yes, Master Bruce. BATMAN I need you to look into the finances of El Penguino restaurant. ALFRED (O.S.) Oh, I heard it's supposed to be good. BATMAN (getting up) Just do it! SUPERMAN Sit down. Sit down. You are not going anywhere. We are having dinner. 10. BATMAN The Penguin is on the scene again. He doesn't show his grotesque face unless he's up to something. SUPERMAN Yeah, up to getting his life together. Why do you not have faith in people? BATMAN Faith is walking into a dark alley unprepared to defend yourself. I am always prepared. SUPERMAN If Penguin is up to something, which I am not certain he is, I am sure you have plenty of time to foil him. BATMAN Time? It's so easy for you to say that, man of tomorrow. SUPERMAN Either way, while Alfred is looking into the Penguin, maybe we observe his behavior from up close? BATMAN Fine. You have an hour. SUPERMAN Thank you. BATMAN I'm going to the bathroom. CUT TO: INT. - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS In the kitchen we see Penguin talking to the staff. PENGUIN Big night team. Batman is here! (maniacally) Hahahahahahahahahahahaha... KITCHEN STAFF (joining in) Hahahahahahahahahahaha... Batman barges in. 11. BATMAN Oh, sorry. Where's the bathroom? PENGUIN Down the hall to the left. BATMAN (suspicious pause) Thanks. Batman leaves. EVERYONE Hahahahahahaha... Batman comes back. BATMAN You said left, right? PENGUIN Right. BATMAN Right? PENGUIN Left! BATMAN Right. (suspicious pause) Thanks. Batman leaves. EVERYONE Hahahahahahaha... Batman comes back. BATMAN My left or your left? PENGUIN Your left. BATMAN (suspicious very long pause) Thanks. Batman leaves. Penguin and staff pause, looking at the door. They wait. And wait. 12. EVERYONE Haha... BLACK OUT INT. DINING ROOM - EVENING Superman is sitting by himself at the table, humming the Superman theme song. Penguin approaches the table. PENGUIN Should I wait for your guest to return, before I read the specials? SUPERMAN No need. I will get them. As well as the rest of the menu. PENGUIN Would that be all? SUPERMAN Oh and a spring pea soup for my friend. PENGUIN Very good. Superman goes back to humming the Superman theme. He does this for a very long time. He gets more and more into it. LITTLE BOY approaches with his MOTHER. LITTLE BOY 'Scuse me, mistah, but are you Supah- man? SUPERMAN I am! LITTLE BOY Ummmmmm. MOTHER Don't be shy. LITTLE BOY I was wonderin' if I could get your autee-graph. SUPERMAN Of course you can, little boy, but what if you could get Superman and Batman's autograph? Hmm? My best friend Batman will be right back. 13. LITTLE BOY Ummm. The thing is. Ummm. SUPERMAN Yes? What is it boy? LITTLE BOY (looking at mom) Ummm. MOTHER Batman can be a real dick to kids. He says they are unreliable witnesses, and thus have no intrinsic value. SUPERMAN My word, what kind of man would say such a thing? CUT TO: INT. BATHROOM - CONTINUOUS Batman is in a bathroom by the sinks, shouting. BATMAN ALFRED! ALFRED! I'M TRAPPED IN HERE, ALFRED! A nouveau continental restaurant would be a terrible place to die, ALFRED! Man walks out of stall behind him, looking nervous and confused. Batman pauses. Man slowly walks out. BATMAN (CONT'D) ALFRED! ALFRED (O.S.) You have to calm down, Master Bruce. BATMAN YOU HAVE TO CALM DOWN, ALFRED! ALFRED (O.S.) I am British, Master Bruce. Being calm is part of the territory. (pauses) Carry on. What were you saying? BATMAN What were you able to find out? 14. ALFRED (O.S.) Not much, as of yet. It appears Penguin has been renting the space, paying in cash. BATMAN There is no proof of a small business loan? ALFRED (O.S.) It doesn't appear he took out one. BATMAN (thinking out loud) Man, what a terrible investment. ALFRED (O.S.) I did find something about the chef. BATMAN What? Was he a black ops cook? ALFRED (O.S.) Oh no. According to Eater, he was the executive sous chef at a Manhattan restaurant called (pauses for effect) Gotham Bar and Grill. Batman is silent. ALFRED (O.S.) (CONT'D) Isn't that ironic? BATMAN Are you saying that that definitely super clever play on words suggests maybe The Riddler's involved? ALFRED (O.S.) (air quotes) Oh no. I just thought it was fun. BATMAN Call me back when you can tell me something I can use. CUT TO: INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS LITTLE BOY Thank ya, Supee-man. And I don't care what the other kids say, I think you would definitely win. 15. SUPERMAN Win what, little boy? LITTLE BOY In a fight against Batman. Batman walks up behind the little kid. SUPERMAN (points to Batman) Do not tell that to this guy. BATMAN Tell me what? MOTHER (nervous) Oh nothing. My son was just, umm, he was just-- LITTLE BOY I was saying if you ever fought Superman, he'd kill ya. BATMAN I wish. MOTHER (grabbing little boy) Ok, come along, son. Let the men enjoy their privacy. Little Boy and Mother leave. BATMAN What's his problem? SUPERMAN It is funny. BATMAN What's funny? SUPERMAN You must get it too. BATMAN What? SUPERMAN People are obsessed with whom would win a fight between us. BATMAN Oh ha. You get that too? 16. SUPERMAN Constantly. It is never, "What's flying like?" Or even "Have you ever used your x-ray vision to, you know, look in a girl's locker room?" BATMAN Yeah, though, Joker once asked, "Why so serious?" It was a hypothetical, but I was so excited to get a different question, I answered anyway, "Because my parents were murdered in front of me when I was a kid." Batman explodes in a violent laughter. Hits the table hard. BATMAN (CONT'D) Ok, so what is flying like? SUPERMAN You really want to know? BATMAN (overly excited) Yes! SUPERMAN It is like running. BATMAN (disappointed) Oh. SUPERMAN I have superspeed. I can run as fast as I fly. I fly because the air is clearer, and Superman flies. (looks at chest) I'm Superman. BATMAN But it's flying. SUPERMAN Ready? Here is what it's like. Superman doesn't move. SUPERMAN (CONT'D) That. BATMAN What? You didn't do anything. 17. SUPERMAN You sure? Or did I move so quickly you did not notice? Pause. SUPERMAN (CONT'D) As I've learned to harness my powers, there is increasingly less difference between moving so fast you cannot see and not moving at all. BATMAN (certain) You didn't move. I could tell. SUPERMAN So certain. Pause. SUPERMAN (CONT'D) How about then? BATMAN (certain) No. Pause. SUPERMAN How about then? BATMAN (certain) No. Pause. SUPERMAN How about then? BATMAN (certain) No. Pause. NOTE: IF YOU'RE READING THIS AS AN ACTOR SOON TO PLAY BATMAN OR SUPERMAN, HELLO! THE FACT IS ONCE THE LIGHTS GO DOWN (AND UP), YOU'RE IN CHARGE. SO FEEL FREE TO CONTINUE REPEATING THIS AS MUCH AS YOU WANT. SENSE WHEN THE AUDIENCE IS TIRED OF THIS BIT, AND THEN DO IT A BUNCH MORE, IF YOU WANT. OR NOT! YOU'RE IN CHARGE. K, BYE. LOVE YOU. 18. SUPERMAN (frustrated) How about then? BATMAN (certain) No. Pause. SUPERMAN How about then? Pause. BATMAN (certain) Yes. Long pause. They stare each other down. Superman laughs. SUPERMAN Hahahaha. I am glad we are doing this. BATMAN Yes, I was surprised by the request. SUPERMAN You know, it is always business with us. You send me an anti-kryptonite hasmat suit. I get you a chemical only found on one of Pluto's moons. BATMAN Thanks again for that. SUPERMAN Sure, sure. I do not have many people I can talk to. Lois is a great listener, but sometimes you want to talk shop. BATMAN I get it. I used to talk about this stuff with Catwoman... (trails off) But now I don't. Waiter comes up from behind Superman. WAITER Your appetizers. 19. SUPERMAN (wishful) Thank you. WAITER Would you like share plates? BATMAN That would not be necessary. Superman starts to eat. Batman watches. CUT TO: INT. - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS WAITER I brought them their appetizers boss. PENGUIN Did they want share plates? WAITER They did not. PENGUIN Ok. Fire Batman's soup. Black INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Superman eats and eats and Batman just sits there. SUPERMAN Did you read Go Set a Watchman? BATMAN Watchmen? I don't read comic books. SUPERMAN No, Go Set a Watchman. It is the sequel to To Kill a Mockingbird that came out recently. Have you read To Kill a Mockingbird? BATMAN Yeah, when I was a child. SUPERMAN It is my favorite book. BATMAN So this sequel must've been very exciting for you. 20. SUPERMAN You really have not heard about it? BATMAN I don't really care to stay up on culture. (pause, excited) Unless you're saying the Penguin actually owns Penguin-Random House and is using this book to launder money. Are you saying that!? SUPERMAN I am trying to tell you that it is bad. BATMAN Look at Mr. Negative. Well, Bizarro. Sorry your book is bad. SUPERMAN Not like bad-bad. (maybe) Well... (moving on) You remember the original, yes? BATMAN Sure. SUPERMAN This takes place 20 years later and Scout is grown up and living in New York. BATMAN A regular Mary Tyler Moore. SUPERMAN And she goes back to Alabama to visit her father. BATMAN Atticus!? SUPERMAN Yes, Atticus. BATMAN Not a bad memory for a human, huh? SUPERMAN (ignoring) The thing is Atticus has changed. 21. BATMAN What do you mean changed? He's not real. SUPERMAN He is different. BATMAN Different how? SUPERMAN He is older. BATMAN That's how it works for must of us. SUPERMAN And racist. BATMAN Oh. SUPERMAN And not like cross-to-the-other-side- of-the-street-racist. He is like klan-meeting-racist. BATMAN So what? It doesn't take the world's greatest detective... (points to self) ...to deduce that some mid-centruy Alabaman might be racist. SUPERMAN But Atticus was more than that. He represented an African-American in the deep-south in the 1930s, not because it was his job, but because it was right. BATMAN No he wasn't. He wasn't real. SUPERMAN But what he taught people was. Because of this character, generations learned you never really understand a person until you climb into their skin and walk around in it. BATMAN That's a gross way of putting it. 22. SUPERMAN (frustrated) Fine. Pause. BATMAN Growing up, when you weren't reading To Kill a Mockingbird, did you ever watch Mr. Rodger's Neighborhood? SUPERMAN Occasionally. BATMAN Let me tell you my favorite Mr. Rodgers story. It's from this old Esquire profile. Superman nods, as if to say, "Go on." BATMAN (CONT'D) In it Mr. Roders talks about this kid in San Diego who has cerebral palsy and when he was little was molested by one of his caretakers. SUPERMAN This is your favorite Mr. Rodgers story? Superman picks up his drink and takes a sip. BATMAN Don't interrupt. Where was I? (pause) So, when he got to be a teenager, the kid began hitting himself, hard, telling his mother he didn't want to live anymore because God didn't like what was inside of him. Superman puts down his drink BATMAN (CONT'D) But he loved Mr. Rodgers. Watched everyday. Superman is engaged. BATMAN (CONT'D) One day, Mr. Rodgers was in San Diego to meet that gorilla that could do sign language and it was arranged for him to meet this kid. 23. SUPERMAN That is nice. Batman shoots Superman a look, as if to say, "What did I just say about interrupting? I'm Batman." BATMAN The boy didn't see it that way. As I said, he thought he was bad - definitely not fit to meet his idol. He got nervous, and then violent with himself. SUPERMAN Oh. BATMAN And Mr. Rodgers just sat there. Until, after some time of this, Mr. Rodgers got up and whispered in the boy's ear, immediately calming him down. SUPERMAN (captivated) What did he whisper? BATMAN "I will like you to pray for me. Will you pray for me?" SUPERMAN Brilliant! For the first time someone treated this boy like a person and not some object. Mr. Rodgers wanted to give him purpose. BATMAN Yeah, no. Mr. Rodgers wanted to be prayed for. He said that going through such challenges must've put this boy closer to God and he wanted him to put in a good word. Superman is stunned. BATMAN (CONT'D) The point is: Grow the fuck up. Every episode, Mr. Rodgers put on sneakers because he learned it made the audience feel more comfortable. Penguin comes up behind Batman. 24. BATMAN (CONT'D) But it started because it made him more comfortable. (pause) What do you want, Penguin? PENGUIN Just to say your entrees are you here. Waiter drops many plates in front of Superman and a soup in front of Batman. PENGUIN (CONT'D) Do you need anything else? BATMAN To know what you're up to. PENGUIN Just providing excellent customer service, and cooking babies into pies. BATMAN (a-ha) I knew it! Penguin makes a face. BATMAN (CONT'D) Oh, you're joking. PENGUIN Enjoy your food. Let me know if you need anything. WAITER Now do you need share plates. SUPERMAN That would not be necessary. Batman takes eats a spoonful of soup. CUT TO: INT. - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS PENGUIN Did you see him try the soup? WAITER Yeah, boss. 25. PENGUIN (to kitchen staff) He tried the soup! Sharpen your knives, boys. CHEF Huh? This is a fully operating kitchen, do you think we've been cooking with dull knives? PENGUIN I'm just saying, like, um, get ready. CHEF (yelling) You've been really fucking coy all night, Penguin. Are we going to kill Batman? Is that what you're saying? We are going to stab him and he will bleed and die, right? PENGUIN (intimidated) I mean, yes. Umm. You know. I was just trying to be dramatic. CHEF Save your fucking drama for night the dishwasher isn't out and we don't have 400 covers. PENGUIN (meekly) Sorry. (trying to regain dominance) Go team! They ignore him. CUT TO: INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS Penguin and Waiter leave. Eat. Eat. Eat. SUPERMAN How is it? BATMAN Honestly? It's a bit cold. SUPERMAN Move your spoon. 26. Batman moves his spoon. Superman looks at the soup intensely. SUPERMAN (CONT'D) Now try. BATMAN (tries soup) Well, now it's way too hot. SUPERMAN Do you want me to use my freeze breath? BATMAN I think I can handle blowing on my own soup. Eat. Eat. Eat. BATMAN (CONT'D) What else you got? SUPERMAN Hmm? BATMAN I'm here with the all-powerful Superman. Be super. Superman looks around the restaurant. SUPERMAN (pointing) Ok, you see that table all the way against the wall? BATMAN Yeah. SUPERMAN He is going to propose. BATMAN You can hear him? SUPERMAN I can hear him rustling a diamond ring in his pocket. BATMAN (slightly impressed) Ok. Ok. 27. SUPERMAN Yes, remind me to have Penguin send over a bottle of Champagne. BATMAN But he cheats on her. SUPERMAN What? BATMAN While you were looking at his hand in his pocket, did you by chance take a glance at his wrist? SUPERMAN A red mark. BATMAN Rope burn. SUPERMAN People in committed relationships experiment. BATMAN Look at how dark the mark is. You think his girlfriend would tie a rope that tight? SUPERMAN Sure, why not? BATMAN Superman, she only has one hand. SUPERMAN Ha! BATMAN Also, I recognize him one one of Catwoman's old files. SUPERMAN Very well done, Wayne. BATMAN What are we going to do about it? SUPERMAN What do you mean? Cheating is not exactly a crime. 28. BATMAN Yes, of course, of course, Superman does not mettle in human matters. But you invited me to dinner. (flirty) Impress me. SUPERMAN (charmed) Ok. (thinks) You are not going to be able to hear it, but watch. We see the man start saying something, then slowly take the ring out of his pocket. Before he gets it out of his pocket, the woman throw her drink at him. Gets up and slaps him. BATMAN (laughs) What did you do? SUPERMAN I basically never use it, but I have such control over my voice that I can essentially throw it across the room. BATMAN (laughs) You have super ventriloquism? You're such a dork. SUPERMAN So, after he said, "I have a question I wanted to ask you," and started taking the ring out of his pocket... (apprehensive) I made it seem like he said (pause) "Why does your sister's pussy taste better than yours?" BATMAN (violently laughs) Jesus. "Why does your sister's pussy taste better than yours?" Man, that's the funniest thing I've ever heard. (laughs) Why did you? SUPERMAN It just came to me. 29. BATMAN Now that's a power I'd like. Everyone assumes I'd like to fly, but, "Why does your sister's pussy taste better than yours?" That would be good. SUPERMAN Yeah, you do not want to fly. Batman hears a ring. BATMAN One second. I'm getting a message from Alfred. (talks into wrist) Hey, what's up, Fred. You won't believe the shit Superman just said. ALFRED (O.S.) I'm not sure if we have time, Master Bruce. It's Penguin. Batman's posture changes instantly. BATMAN (very serious) What is it, Alfred? ALFRED (O.S.) Well, I was able to find Penguin's record from his time in Arkham Asylum. BATMAN Yes!? ALFRED (O.S.) Under doctor, it says "Dr. Harleen Quinzel." BATMAN You mean? ALFRED (O.S.) Yes, sir. INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS BATMAN Thank you, Alfred. (to Superman) Watch my back. Batman gets up. 30. SUPERMAN Is everything ok? BATMAN (screams) PENGUUUUUUUUUUIN! Everyone stops eating. Penguin comes out of the kitchen. He is followed by a group of cooks still holding their knives. BATMAN (CONT'D) (screams) PENGUUUUUUUUUUIN! PENGUIN What seems to be the problem here? BATMAN (screams) PENGUUUUUUUUUUIN! PENGUIN At your service. BATMAN (screams) PENGUUUUUUUUUUIN! SUPERMAN He can hear you. BATMAN You almost had me with your little recovery story. Curious that you left out that your therapist was HARLEY QUINN. PENGUIN I don't know what you're talking about. Harley wasn't my therapist. BATMAN (scream) Liar! PENGUIN She wasn't my therapist. Batman starts getting woozy. He hunches over and stumbles back and forth. He looks at his hand. BATMAN What's happening to me? 31. PENGUIN No, Harley just taught me how create odorless poison that when consumed, can paralyze even the biggest bat. My therapist was Dr. Tara Pist. BATMAN My soup! PENGUIN Nice work, Sherlock. Though, to be fair, we actually put the poison on all your food. I didn't realize the big guy wasn't sharing. Batman drops to his knees. BATMAN (gasping) Superman... Superman doesn't move. PENGUIN That said, I'm sorry the soup was cold. I know it's the best way to serve revenge, but it's still very unprofessional. Penguin holds one of his umbrellas up and shoots one of his cooks. PENGUIN (CONT'D) I promise it'll never happen again. (pause) Grab him boys. Batman looks at Superman as the cook/henchmen grab Batman. Superman doesn't move. PENGUIN (CONT'D) Keep on enjoying your meals, everyone. We'll take care of this rodent problem. And to apologize for the noise, dessert is on the house. Everyone cheers free dessert. ("Have you heard about their olive oil cake?") Henchmen bring Batman in front of Penguin. PENGUIN (CONT'D) (monologuing) It's funny, Batman. I really was going to go straight. (MORE) 32. PENGUIN (CONT'D) I liked being known for my hot new restaurant, and not for trying to murder orphans. But then I saw you sitting there. (getting angry) You foil my plans for years, and now I'm expected to serve you. (calms down, creepy) If you were going to be enjoying my food, I had to slip a little something in there for daddy. BATMAN (weak) Gross. PENGUIN (holding umbrella up to Batman's head) You already had your last meal. Any last words? BATMAN (weak) I would recommend larger portions. PENGUIN For an appetizer soup? Strange, but I'll take it into account. BATMAN (stronger) Not the soup. Like that, Batman pushes the men holding him into each other, knocking the umbrella out of Penguin's hands. BATMAN (CONT'D) The poison. PENGUIN Get him, boys! Fight scene!!!!!!!!!! This should last a few minutes. And should be centered around every time Batman hits a bad guy, it should be done in slow-motion, and right before impact a printed out sign should be put in front with onamonapoetic word. Whamm Crunch Zzzwap 33. Splatttt Clunk Clonk Vronk Eee-yow Ooooofff Bang boom Oh! Bam! Obama! Rakkkkk Tink tunk Warrrporp Ik ik ik ik ik Zop zorp zop! Yawawawawaz! Mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon? RX46KZ6 ZKPKPZKPZKPZ! KPZ! KPZKPZKPZKP! ZKP! ZKPZKPZKPZ! KZK!!!PZKPZ!KZKPZKPZK! PZKPZKZPKZ!KZPPZKPKZ Only Penguin is left. Batman walks cockily over to him. BATMAN I guess Harly wasn't much a teacher. Good thing you'll be able to get more lessons, in jail. PENGUIN Wait, you want to learn more about poison? Batman punches Penguin. A sign that says "Punch." 34. BATMAN (talking into wrist) Alfred, the reviews are in: One thumb up, one criminal down. (pause) Tell Gorden, I need him to come down to El Penguino to take out the trash. ALFRED (O.S.) Right away, Master Bruce. BATMAN (to Superman) I'm really glad we could get together. SUPERMAN I am sorry. But I was sure you could handle this situation yourself. (pointing to bodies) Which you proved you were able to. BATMAN Yes. Yes, I did. But tell me, Superman, how do I know you weren't in on it? SUPERMAN Me! I would never. You know me. BATMAN No, I don't. All I know is you have the power that you could easily have taken care of everyone the room. But you didn't. Good night. SUPERMAN Wait! EXT. ROOF TOPS - EVENING Batman is walking around searching for something, anything -- crime, connection, love, truth, a snack. He begins to sing "Sound of Silence." NOTE: HI AGAIN, BATMAN OR SUPERMAN. YES, YOU'RE ABOUT TO SING THE ENTIRITY OF SIMON AND GARFUNKEL'S "SOUND OF SILENCE," A THING THAT IS SURELY NOT ALLOWED UNDER FAIR USE. DON'T WORRY, ABOUT FAIR USE. (IDEALLY THAT LAST SENTENCE WILL COUNT AS CRITICISM AND WE'LL BE IN THE CLEAR.) SO SING THIS SONG LIKE AT ANY MOMENT SIMON OR GARFUNKEL MIGHT COME THROUGH THE DOOR AND POLITELY ASK YOU TO STOP. K, BYE. LOVE YOU. 35. BATMAN Hello darkness, my old friend I've come to talk with you again Because of vision softly creeping Left its seeds wile I was sleeping And the vision that was planned in my brain Still remains Within the sound of silence In restless dreams I walked alone Narrow streets of cobblestone 'Neath the halo of street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp Batman seems like he's going to stop, but then we see Superman is on the other side of the stage, seemingly on a different roof. He joins in, singing harmonyharmony. BATMAN, SUPERMAN When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light That split the night And touched the sound of silence Batman fades into the shadow. Again you think the singing is over. The singing is not over. Now Superman is roaming the city streets. He continues singing. SUPERMAN And in the naked light I saw Ten thousand people, maybe more People talking without speaking People hearing without listening People writing songs that voices never share And no one dared Disturb the sound of silence "Fools," said I, "You do not know." Silence like a cancer grows Hear my words that I might teach you Take my arms that I might reach you Batman emerges from the shadows. Are they going to stop singing? Nope! They are still apart, but they sing in harmony. BATMAN, SUPERMAN But my words like silent raindrops fell And echoed in the wells of silence 36. Superman arrives on a rooftop and sees Batman. They pause and look at each other. The singing is done. No it's not! They finish the song. BATMAN, SUPERMAN (CONT'D) And the people bowed and prayed To the neon god they made And the sign flashed out its warning In the words that it was forming And the sign said, "The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls And whispered in the sound of silence Batman sees Superman and is angry. BATMAN How did you get--, ah yes, flying. How fun. SUPERMAN Yes. I fly. I wish everyone on Earth could fly for a day, so they can see it is not the answer. Batman walks away towards the edge of the bulding. BATMAN People with are always telling those without, how they'd love to give up things if they could. SUPERMAN Seriously, if I could liquify my DNA, and give you my powers, I would. BATMAN Liquify your DNA? Are you offering for me to drink your cum, Superman? Batman almost throws up. BATMAN (CONT'D) (pointing to the sky) You see that symbol up there? SUPERMAN How could anyone miss it? BATMAN You know what I like about it? SUPERMAN What? 37. BATMAN The light. (tracing it with his finger) See it doesn't make the symbol. The light carves out the night sky, revealing the symbol. The symbol is always there. Dramatic pause. Batman violently throws up over the ledge of the building. WOMAN ON THE STREET (O.S.) What the fuck!???!?! Batman looks down. BATMAN (shouting to the woman) Sorry! WOMAN ON THE STREET (O.S.) Shit, are you Batman? Batman puked on me! SUPERMAN I was sure you would be fine. My heat vision likely killed most of the poison in the soup. Batman pauses. Looks at symbol. BATMAN (hesitant) Catwoman's pregant. Pause. WOMAN ON THE STREET (O.S.) Batman got Catwoman pregant! Now I've heard everything. BATMAN (furious) Get the fuck out of here or you'll never hear anything ever again? WOMAN ON THE STREET (O.S.) Because you'll make me deaf or dead? Either way, bye Batman. Love you! Superman walks to Batman. 38. SUPERMAN Is it yours? BATMAN Of couse it is. Well... Pause. BATMAN (CONT'D) I'm pretty sure. I didn't necessarily stick around to find out. SUPERMAN Wait. You just left when she told you? BATMAN (points to wrist computer thing) I, umm, pressed this button that tells Commissioner Gorden to turn on the Bat-signal. SUPERMAN Dude. BATMAN Look I know. But Batman can't have kids. And I'm Batman. SUPERMAN No, Superman cannot have kids. Even if my ejaculating did not rip through the woman's uteras, the half- Kryptonian fetus surely would. BATMAN So I'm supposed to be some dad. I don't have time for that. Gotham never sleeps. SUPERMAN Yes, you say that, but-- WOMAN IN A NEARBY APARTMENT (O.S.) (interruting,shouting) Can yous guys keep it fucking down, we're try to not sleep over here! Batman looks at Superman as if to say, "Hmmm." BATMAN You know what I know? (MORE) 39. BATMAN (CONT'D) If that poison killed me tonight, that would've been it. I'd be gone and the symbol would go with it. Superman wants to say something, but can't think of the words. BATMAN (CONT'D) If you died -- somehow -- the headline would read "The Death of Superman." Whenever I die, the headline will read, "Bruce Wayne Dies; Leaves Behind Child; Oh, Also Apparently He Was Batman - Weird." SUPERMAN That headline is too long. BATMAN You say you want what I have, but Batman doesn't have anything. I put on a costume everyday to fight crime; you take one off to do so. SUPERMAN (stepping closer) Is that what you really think? BATMAN Mhmm. You were born with powers. SUPERMAN I was raised as Clark Kent. Then I picked up a tractor, and realized something I probably always knew deep down. Soon I had an S on my chest and people started calling me the Superman. I did not protest, as I knew it was my duty to do what was right for the planet that adopted me. But that kid who grew up on a humble Kansas farm did not go away. BATMAN You still get to be Clark, though. SUPERMAN Yeah, but that Clark is a different sort of an act, one that ignores that childhood searching for meaning in being able leap tall buildings. BATMAN But isn't that why we do this? (MORE)