1 Introduction: The following book you’re about to read is my diary. It is my magickal diary from 3/28/19 to 7/9/2020 I used an american dating system which goes by month,day,year. It tackles my start as an occultist and my final progression until it’s final entry in 2020 . It ends rather abruptly only to be continued further in sequel books that I plan on releasing as a series from each to be picked up right after each other. Regarding this book in particular, it is not the most flattering book in many regards especially i n its portrayal of my learning process. It is also a long one. It’s capped off the way it is because of length. It’s around 500 pages. At the start I did a few many things wrong. I make major mistakes in what I choose to study and engage with. If you have never practiced the occult then by all means read ahead however you may find you need some sort of dictionary on hand. This book follows me as a beginner to me as an intermediary. I don’t tend to brag but now and days I would consider myself a somewhat sk illed occultist in what I choose to study. This book doesn’t really showcase me getting there, only me getting half way there. Regarding it you may also find yourself lost at a few points due to the subject matter I don’t bother to explain. I talk about a lot of knowledge and things of the sort that may surprise reader who is not in the know. It’s best read by someone intermediate or beginning their adventure who is willing to do their own research in conjunction with what they’ll be reading. You may also find yourself disagreeing with my methods towards the beginning or middle and getting frustrated where I decided to dabble such as with the pop culture elements because like I said, it’s a portrayal of my learning process and a lot of it was learning. Also while this journal is educational in a few regards I did do many things wrong in the beginning. Not to mention I make some very bold claims I don’t expect many people to believe. I also go temporarily mad in the middle living out an escapist vision wi th my magick before getting back to the good stuff. Not all of these are clarified in the text so keep that in mind should you wish to replicate any of my experiments. In the beginning I was a novice. At the end of the day this is not a grimoire. I have p rofessionally written grimoires I’m working on if you want that sort of thing. It’s important for me to stress that I am not the magician I was at the beginning or even midway through the book. If you find yourself scatterbrained reading or frustrated just skip a few entries ahead. I know now what I didn’t then and I’ve grown in more ways that have not always been shown on the pages. I’ve grown after the book which is another thing entirely. My take on magick and I feel the need to say this, is known as “The Left Handed Path” I am first and foremost an occultist. There are some magicians who are Wiccan, Priests, some who are from other cultures or religions but I work with demons and in the dark. If that upsets you I wouldn't recommend this book however I do clarify why I work with what I do several times, misconceptions others have about what I work with, and why I work with it within the text. I ask 2 you to read such a journal no matter your walk of life as someone with an open mind. Keep reading it as we ll before making a final judgement. Also, it's important to note that not all of the operations tend to these things. I go into elaborate detail about time in retrospect to magick, the Crossroads Ritual at a point and it has no correlation to demonic mag ick as frequent in this book. I draul on and on about my experiences with Gods and parasites at several points and they are far from demonic in nature. I make mistakes regarding quite a few religions at a point. Hell I talk about the fae a ton. In total it is a rather thick book with a total of (263) entries. I want to iterate while some names and quotes are changed or paraphrased to protect my identity which I later reveal anyways, this book is only mildly censored and very public domain. Most of what you will read is it’s first draft as I wrote it at the time, as I experienced the events. That’s how journals should be. Unatlertered. It is a journal. If you want something more polished I recommend the somewhat longer revised edition. Everything is very per sonal. In many regards as you will find I didn’t expect this book to see the light of day. I do however expect this book to last a great deal of time due to my own personal measures that I have ensured. Thus I explain a lot of things about the time period I find myself in, as well as things unique to my culture as an American that affect my operations and expectations. I am in many regards an unreliable narrator and I want you to keep that in mind when you read my exploits. This book is best dealt with note s on hand and reading into things I the writer did not as I was writing it. Some of it is a pain to get through and irritating to drudge through so I ask you just skip ahead or keep at it. Bookmarks are your friends. This is the first bok in a series of p ublic domain journals. If you would like to keep up with the journals as they are being written then I highly suggest you visit the website https://acriansjournal.home.blog/ as of the publishing here. B ook 1: tackles my start as an occultist until more intermediate work. It’s primarily focused on Demons, with some minor deity interactions, some madness and insanity, a few pop culture ramblings sprinkled in the middle that I wouldn't recommend replicating , more insanity, back to demons, misconceptions, a few tid bits about aliens, a little hoodo with the ritual of the crossroads and a mojo hand and the rest of the operations tend to complete and total demonic magick and the demonic hierarchy. Towards the end of the book there's a little bit about the fae. It is about 265 journals long, and I do a lot wrong towards the start and even in the middle of it. It’s by far the most unflattering and sloppy book out of all of these. I’m an occultist what can I say . Overall I hope this book serves you the reader well. It served me well for a good deal of time. I have other journals that may never see the light of day and I doubt anyone would be curious to such a regard. However regardless Alon Z. The copyright sta tus of this book is public domain. Please I oblige you to build upon my work, translate my work, share my work and so on. 3 BOOK 1: Left Handed At Heart Journal one: “Let’s just jump into it” - Philip Defranco I decided to sit down and read Aleister Crowley 's work today. Unfortunately not only was I incapable of understanding it but I felt physically repelled by the book. The book in question is Gems of the Equinox. It’s the fact that the book is written in old english. I can’t understand it no matter how ha rd I try. The man is very wise but unless someone makes a plain English Comic Sans fronted translation I just won’t be able to understand it. However that is not all. I also felt physically repelled to stop reading. Like something was compelling me not to read it. I don’t exactly know how to explain this. The book in my possession has some very bold and negative energy about it. I don’t know how to describe it. It irks me and frustrates me beyond repair. On top of this. The entities I work with recently asked me to not go on my favorite deification forum. I won’t mention it here. If you know it you know it. As well as telling me not to follow the magician’s work with whom the forum is inspired by and operates. I agreed but this pissed me off for a multitude of reasons. I understand I don’t take magick entire ly seriously. The entities I work with have reminded me again and again about my failures in this regard. However that forum, as crazy as some of the people on it were (evocations of aliens and conspiracy theories? really?) was a fountain of knowledge. The re was everything from parasitic info to evocation without tools and alot of that shit actually worked. Nothing upsets me more in this life than someone who thinks magick is just intent and feeling. I can’t tell you how many tumblr esc “magicians” say tha t what they do “only works for them but MIGHT work for you” because “not everything works for everyone” and it's such a load of bullshit. I was actually last night ranting to myself about it in the shower if I recall correctly. If your magick is real it wi ll work for whoever performs it no matter their intent or belief. If what you practise isn’t bullshit the people who practise it will have results every time no matter what. If it’s real that’s the case. The idea that “only some shit works and not for ever yone” is at best woefully misguided and at worst willful ignorance. The fact that it is spread in the new age movement is terrible. So that’s how I know this forums magick however out there works. It’s genuine real magick. That’s hard to come by on the in ternet especially in some of the circles I find myself in. I don’t know why the entities I work with wanted me off of it. I speculate it’s not the source but rather they see it as a contributing factor in my lack of serious inquiry about magick. In other news. I’m still not at the level where I can see or hear spirits yet. On top of this I keep getting spirits confused with each other. Belial straight up told me as of late do to an entity posing as him, very harshly I might add and paraphrasing here “befor e you work with anyone come to me first” on top of this I’m pretty sure Beelzebub and Belial who I consider to be different aspects of the same entity (he told me they were the same) only want me working with them. I was also told to get his sigil tattood. I originally promised him this when we made our arrangement/agreement 4 however I had thought it not important and irrelevant. I wasn’t entirely sure about this and had forgotten about the matter. However do to my “identity confusion” to put it rather light ly I asked for a sign to verify it was him or else I wouldn't do it. I’ve been having far to much confusion lately to agree to such a thing on a whim. I learn from my mistakes. That being said I’m kinda stuck as of the moment. I was told by the entities I work with to gather tools. I have none and avoid them whenever possible. I understand their purpose. They help. But I don’t want to rely on something I don’t use regularly and I’m in a home where I must remain as discreet as possible. Unfortunately outsid e that forum which I’ve been told not to visit every ritual requires ellaberates that I seem to stumble across. I need to do this frequently and regularly and I fear I can’t keep my ritual tools hidden in such a regime. I am 21 as of the writing here. I live with my family and have no chance of making it on my own. I am forced to keep my magick a secret for if my mother found out all my materials would be thrown out. I am speaking from experience. I am grateful enough not to be born into a Christian or Ca tholic family. I was born to a Jewish minority in America. However my mother is rather conservative and with the exception of tarot cards and sage and some psychics it's all evil in her eyes. This is the south after all. Point of the matter is I need to ke ep my magick hidden and tools, especially the elaborate ones, would be an issue. I heard a voice of a spirit just now say “that’s an excuse” which it might be to an extent but it is the truth nevertheless. My mother doesn't know the meaning of privacy and last time she found my altar she destroyed its purpose. That being said, if I want to be taken seriously (I am not) and I want to be I should have tools. And I should get to that. Back to the topic of the Crowley book I don’t think anything in my home is keeping me from reading it. I have a rather annoying spirit right now. I’ve had parasites in the past who kept me from reading and learning about them or the occult. After all its best to have your prey not know how to fight back or on equal grounds. Any ways this spirit hangs around which I tried to banish to no avail, that keeps “shh” ing me at random times. It’s rather trite and annoying and I find it upsetting as hell. It told me “I don’t take kindly to you trying to banish me” to which I responded “I don’t take kindly to you “SHH”ing me all the fuking time”. However once upon a time there were many parasites in my home and they kept coming back. I don’t think that’s what’s happening here. I think the book itself is enchanted somehow. And I’m just no t ready to read it yet. I’ve often been told by spirits and entities “I’m not ready” and when I pushed and pushed I got no answers. The closest thing I could muster was the topic of assent. But nothing more. I asked on the forum I mentioned earlier and all I got were ignorant users telling me “it’s parasites” when notable entities have told me this. Hell if we’re on the topic “Eligos” told me this. If it was merely parasites then serious spirits I encounter would not say such things. On the topic. Several spirits keep meeting me. They never come alone which I find odd. A group of spirits greeted me the other day within my living room. One offered me a deal on the spot. To “cure” my anxiety. I didn’t recognize him. But he was very charming and had a nice voi ce he told 5 me we had worked together before. I told him I’d have to think about it. There was a female spirit there as well. I didn’t recognize her. I guessed Bune and she said she wasn’t him. She asked me what I looked for in a man and then I told her not in front of the other spirits. I might be a magician talking to ancient Gods and demons but my love life nevertheless is something I find embarrassment in. I was exhausted and told her she could test me despite not working with her before. I will agree t o basically anything if I am exhausted enough. I’ve been told I am a pushover. I was talking to Belzebub the other day and I asked him why all these spirits were here. He told me I best pay him for his information. So I sung him a song as he requested and he told me “you’ve drawn attention to yourself” I left it there. Because I wasn’t going to push for an answer. Outside of founding and quickly abandoning a religion as of late I haven’t really done anything of note. I seem to keep drawing unnecessary atten tion to myself. There was a spirit in the shower recently with me. He told me he wanted to break me and all I could see from him was malicious intent. Eventually somehow the topic moved on to learning about each other or mostly me. He asked my fears, my values, and he kept asking my name over and over. I think he was asking my true name, I have one but I do not know it. I knew it once as a child and promptly forgot it. I don’t trust myself with that information. I have thoughts I can’t control and often t hey blurt out information and secrets they should not. If I knew my true name the first thing that would happen is my intrusive thoughts blurting it in an announcement form to every entity on the planet. That would be grave for obvious reasons. A true nam e is your essence. It’s you. If someone knows it they can make you do anything they want and have complete and utter control over everything you are. I don’t know my true name. I never want to. That being said I do have a variety of names and aliases I hav e gone by magickally or otherwise and that often pop into my head when the topic arises. Acrians is the most notable name I go by. I told him this and he recoiled. He said “I’ve heard of you” and then when I had asked what he had heard it was gibberish. N ot in the sense where it was a made up language but rather just incoherent sentences. I was once talking to an imposter entity claiming itself to be a God. I have met enough Gods in person and in my dreams to know that it was not one. After a certain point in time you recognize their divinity. Almost instantly. The difference between the Goetia and the Gods worshiped today is that they can manifest and meet you if they desire. I’m talking in person not in a ritual format or setting. But back to the point. T his entity had not an ounce of divinity about him. Therefor I knew he was to be an imposter. However he told me he knew me when I asked how he said “everyone knows Acrians the madman” a shame it wasn’t the real guy. I respect him quite a bit. I’ve been tr ying to get my mind within a meditative state the past few days. It works and when it does I can somewhat hear the entities. I was doing so the other day and randomly heard something along the lines of buha or another filipino word. I popped it into google translate and got “witch” why thank you Captain Obvious. There are an unfortunate number of entities within my home that for whatever reason won’t go away and keep coming back no matter how many 6 times I cleanse the place. The ritual of the pentagram doesn ’t work when the entities are this persistent. And yes I know for a fact that I am doing it right. I remember snapping at an entity the other day. Claiming I was a God in the making and deserve respect accordingly. That night I had a dream I was searching for “Athena's egg” and I found it but had stolen it so I had to return it. They were many what I assume to be Gods there. There was a holographic rainbow escalator stretched out to platform a lot of people. All the Gods went on myself included. I heard a female voice say “this is what it would look like but not for you” and then the escalator turned black and I fell off. Then I was with a man who’s head was a rainbow bird. I made a joke about having a dysfunctional family he laughed and said “just watch” a nd then a chinese dragon engulfed the sun. I woke up. I’ve been told by either Belial or Belzebub unsure which that I’m mad. Specifically I was in the car and I told myself while talking to my mom “but I don’t have delusions” and then I heard the car on t he road roar its engine and it was as if the engine itself spoke saying “yes you do” that’s a form of communication he likes I find. Talking through engines running or roaring past. Anyways my writing is God awful and rambely as hell but this journal in it’s form right now is never meant to grace another's eyes. It is my magickal diary and that is all. If by some miraculous event you are a person who is reading it I wish you luck. May be you can go deep and theorize and analyze what is happening much better than I myself can. However I digress. That’s all for now. It’s not all I have seen. But it’s all in my environment. And I am tired. Goodbye. 2:01 3/28/19 Journal 2: “Fire will cle anse our sins” - Stan Smith It’s the same day. I have this thing where I like to write multiple entries a day. I’ve been like that with most of my journals all the time. I take pride in the fact that nobody will see this one. While publishing my diary is a daydream of mine and a fantasy I often turn to. It is a terrifying one to make real. Especially in regards to the dark arts. Maybe that is why fantasies are fantasies and dreams are dreams. Regardless I keep getting tested over and over again. It’s rather confusing. I work primarily with 2 entities, since I have decided to tell no one I can name them here. Belzebub and Belial. Who according to my work are the same entity but different aspects. I just heard an engine claim that was wrong so maybe I myself do not fully understand but rather that is how I think of it however inaccurate. I don’t fully grasp how there can be two versions of the same person. But spirits are not people. And they do not work like people. You can only think of an entity as a human and get so far. They are humanoid. They have feelings, plans, thoughts and actions. But they aren’t people. The second you start to associate them as such things can become messy. 7 So while I don’t fully understand it I know it’s a thing and that’s good en ough for now. I once had a spirit tell me “ignorance is bliss” and I replied to that spirits surprise “it is only blissful for those willfully ignorant. It is hell for those seeking knowledge” and I will say their personalities differ to a degree. They go about things differently and while wanting similar things from me, I have different agreements with each. I see them as the same yet different and it’s not something I fully understand as much as that is irritating. I think a personal pet peeve of mine i s not knowing why someone is doing something or how something works. I’ve had several spirits get on me about asking too many questions. I just want to know. Even if they say I won’t understand I am generally pretty curious. Speaking of questions the other day I was talking to Belzebub. Or at least I presume it to be him. I could be wrong as stated earlier I have a hard time telling spirits apart. His voice was bold and deep with a hint of rust. Anyways I was talking to him and asking a rather awful amount of questions. I was going to properly summon him but upon realization my evocation method was wrong I decided not to so we talked that way instead. He told me that I should pay him for his knowledge and as I stated before he asked for a song. Singing is my favorite talent of mine. My drawing is mediocre, and my writing is decent however singing is what I take pride in. I want to be a musician. I want a career in music. That’s my life goal. I’ll admit I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons but I am doing i t nevertheless. One of the tests I was given was not to raise my temper at my sister's boyfriend. And I was so caught up in my own anger that I failed spectacularly. I wasn’t told that this was a test until it was made clear to me after it was over. I’m f airly short tempered. I used to think anger was something I rarely felt. But as soon as he attacked me personally and my music I lashed out at him. I still don’t consider myself wrong. I still will not give him an apology. I still won the television and go t what I wanted out of the argument from meere persistence alone. Thus I still feel angry and content with my actions. I keep getting tested lately. I don’t normally understand what these tests are or what they entail. I just keep getting told I’m passing them or failing them after the fact. I don’t even know what they are meant to measure. I was actually told in regards to one test that I only passed it because I was very lucky on the matter. It’s very strange to me. Mainly because I don’t quite have a li fe. I have no job (which they’ve told me to fix) I have few hobbies or occupations (archery stole my heart but my anxiety is so extreme I rarely attend anymore) and generally outside of the wonderful internet which no doubt won’t exist in the next 8.9 cent uries, I have no friends. The only friend of mine whose voice I routinely hear is my best friend Mia. Who I recently broke up with on a spirits command. He told me “delete your spiritual twitter account, break up with your girlfriend and find a boyfriend” which was all very specific. I did so even if it was painful in the process. I remember flinching as I unsubscribed from my favorite occult youtuber and he said “oh don’t be so dramatic”. I’ve been debating going back to that forum just for the tool free evocation but if they want me to use tools I should probably grow 8 up and re - read the keys of solomon to make them....and if it’s just not doable I will find a way to do so with exceptions. Some things in magick are pure symbolism and thus can be substituted but some are not and cannot be changed. Do not ever break a formula unless you know and every part of it like the back of your hand. Speaking of my hand I have on spiritual tattoo on my right hand. It’s the eye of providence. I plan on getting another spiritual tattoo on my wrist per agreement with an entity but I have to triple dog check first because I don’t want to repeat past mistakes. I have to wait until my birthday but that’s in 2 months within May so I have time. I do worry about the tattoo. Publically I lie and say I am an a theist. I plan on being a pretty public musician and internet persona. One day the internet won’t be here. But that day is not today or within my century. I think if I’m ever confronted about it I will say “if you know you know” and leave it there. I am qu ite bad at talking to others so I rehearse what I am going to say in case topics arise. It’s also rather paranoid of me to assume random passer bys on the street or in the industry have enough occult stamina and knowledge to understand what it entails. But I am a very paranoid near mad person thus these fears persist despite my knowing they are irrational. Regardless I will figure it out. As a comfort I enjoy telling myself that I always do. I’ve been seeing alot of signs lately. One thing I am rather bit ter about is ancient grimoires don’t have identification for modern signs. Times change. Thus omens also change. People will fight me on this but between you and me journal, omens have adapted to modern times. At least in some senses of the word. An omen f or political discourse that would make sense in ancient Greece or Rome would not make sense today. And while it is true that some signs still persist in cultures where the magick is preserved i.e., a white buffalo for some tribes. In a fairly Christian mod ern America which is where I am writing this from such signs cannot persist in their true intent. Unless of course you practice Hellenism and are aware of all of them and their intended meaning. Regardless signs can take modern connotations. Some that I ha ve found that nobody talks about are bicycles, pizza.and cars. I don’t know what they mean. Nobody is tutoring me on the occult saying “this means this and that signifies that and clearly this is what your doing wrong” I mean I have spirits I work with bu t it is not the same thing as a human instructor and by no means given my limitations would I receive the answers I desire. Maybe a more skilled magician could receive such answers. I’m sure if a skilled magician was reading over these notes he would scauf . I know one day I will be beyond my level now. Hopefully if I can keep up with it this journal will show such a progression. However as of this date 3/28/19 I acrians locket aged 21 have not yet achieved such knowledge or secrets. 7:01 PM 3/28/19 9 Journal 3: “Sometimes you need some controlled crazy in your life” - Hi I’m Case So I wasn’t going to write this one up until after I called Belial today. I have discovered since my clear - audience skills are null, void, and non - existent t hat flipping channels through the t.v is a good way to get messages across to me. I realized something upon watching a basketball game today. That I have always had magick in my life and that I picked up on it at a young age. I remember rather clearly bein g in middle school with my best friend Tall Claire, and we were on the playground. She was holding a piece of wood in her hand that vaguely resembled an eye shape she said “remember how you said the eyes were always watching you?” and I said “yes” and then she took the woodchip with a serious glance and broke it and bent it in her fingers then threw it away. I brushed it off and we returned to our playing on the playground. We had often joked that claire was a “seer” I say joking out of habit but she had c lear visions of the future. Come to think of it most of my best friends throughout my entire life with the exception of J.C Howard all were incredibly magically inclined. Every person I grew up with from Alexandria Highet to Sophie Lane had something to do with magick even if they pretended they didn’t. Alexandria was a just an overt Percy Jackson fan with delusions on the side. I bet she’s gay now. Only because most Greek mythology obsessed kids end up gay but what do I know. Point is I had a lot of friend s growing up and they all were into magick. At least the female or non binary ones. I don’t recall Jack Henry or Jack Davenport being sorcerers. Though Noah and that Daniel in middle school tried to get me to pledge allegiance to nature to join their magic k club and even then I wasn’t that stupid to agree. Point is there have always been spirits surrounding me and my family since I was born. My brother thought he was blessed. He often had orbs in photos growin up. They only surrounded him. It’s funny how m y brother never went into magick. There was a time I thought he was doing so, he showed me a metal song called “He is” and I had suspicions. But at the end of the day I fear him as a Jew. I’m sure he’s experimented here and there. But he isn’t a magician l ike I. As I typed this an entity said to me “I wouldn't be so sure”. Funny. I do have suspicions about Jordan. But it’s not like he’ll ever see these logs so I have nothing to worry. Like I said I’ve been channel surfing in order to receive messages by en tities. Beelzebub was communicating with me this way earlier. He keeps communicating to me through Christian “God” imagery. I don’t see him as God ie, the Christian one. I don’t. I have no idea why he’s doing this. I asked him if there was a reason and he said “There is” I do have intrusive thoughts related to Demonolatry. But I don’t know if that’s related. Alot of entities ignore my intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts are involuntary thoughts you can’t control that pop into your mind which are obscene, violent, sexual, inappropriate, or otherwise distressing. Mine take on a spiritual or sexual form. And while the entities I work with ignore them they still, much to my dismay take them into account. Which is irritating. I don’t mean them. I feel like my intrusive thoughts are half looking out for me in the worst way possible and half trying to fuck me over and sometimes a little bit of both, it’s rather exhausting. 10 I know there are far more spirits in my home then I am aware of. I find this odd because I tend to do banishings rather often. However it’s a thing. I decided I need to make up a lie to achieve a fabric for a perfect solomon circle. Writing the letters shouldn't be too hard given I used to be able to read Hebrew given my Jewish upbringing. // // Sorry. I know this is rather abrupt but I took a break from writing that section. To do a proper evocation and talk to Belial. I feel proud of myself? I feel kinda guilty for being proud of such a small thing. I made a plain circle in blue chalk. With the triangle in front of the direction I was facing. Then I took three white candles and lit them among the circle. I gave him an offering of tomato soup. And had incense burning. I was actually able to communicate this time! God it was wonderful. I shoul d mention I was also in a meditative state. I asked him my questions. The most burning being why he wanted me off of that forum. His answer was one I had received before in a less formal setting. That was “it was misguiding you”. I know the creator of the works E. A koetting is the real thing. I will not deny that he is a legit magickal occultist. We work with the same entities and once I was critiquing his marketing in the shower and the spirit took issue given he is legit. So it is not his fault. But rat her it is the people who watch his videos and the forum itself. He told me the forum had false information on it. I won’t deny that the forum has some rather odd balls. I once read a thread about how a guy sold his soul to aliens it was rather odd. He is not his fanbase. So if Belial thinks theirs misinformation or I was being taken in the wrong direction from the forum I will oblige off of it accordingly. I also asked about the him and Beelzebub thing. He told me some time ago they were the same entity. T his confused me since they are very VERY different in a lot of ways. However further research showed me other people had also made this connection. He told me they were different “versions” which was a word I had brought up before, of the same entity. They go about their goals differently but they are the same. They don’t share information, for example if I trust something to Belial, Beelzebub doesn’t actually know it. I found it very fascinating but didn’t push further. I asked how I was receiving such at tention. He told me when magicians do magick they receive attention and not to take it personally. I can’t say I’m not disappointed but it makes sense. He gave me a task to do. It’s one he’s given me before but somehow I also seem to fuck up the execution of. Go to the park and write his name in stone. He clarified saying write his name in stone on the sand.I told him there were no parks I knew of near me like that, the only one I know is East Cobb Park which is too far away to go to, and the dog park which is covered in gravel. I asked him to show me the park so I could go to it and he said he would since it’s necessary. I asked him if there was more to do and he said “we’d cross that bridge when we come to it” which is a phrase I often use with my spirit s. For those not familiar it’s a southern American 11 saying that means “we’ll take care of that problem once we’ve done whatever else we need to do progression wise to make it a problem” so it’s a phrase about a situation or a hypothetical that will only bec ome an issue once we’ve made progress and not to worry about the hypothetical issue until said progress is made. I asked him about my X - friend M##@%#. I asked him if we’d ever become friends again. He said yes and no but not in the way I’m thinking. He sa id I would know him again but we wouldn’t be friends. I should’ve figured that. I keep dwelling on this relationship with this person who was God awful and borderline emotionally abusive like it will make me feel better. But I know that it won’t. I was cod ependent. In a lot of ways I still haven’t let him go. He knew that. He fuking knew that and left without a word anyways. He knew I had abandonment issues. And he left without a goodbye. Knowing him it was intentional. Or possibly he willed himself not to care. Sociopaths with minimal empathy can do that according to him. He was a self admitted sociopath in the end after all. Yet I, someone with hyper empathy clung to him like a wet tshirt. I don’t recall if I mentioned this and don’t quite feel like scrolling up so I’m not going to check but I had lucifer's sigil flashing in my head when I closed my eyes. Belial told me it was Lucifer reaching out. I remember talking with an entity about how I really wanted to work with him but didn’t know myself well enough and wasn’t prepared to throw my life into turmoil in order to. The spirit said “I’ll tell him you said that” and I guess they did because yeah. I really really REALLY want to work with hi m. But I know this entity or God depending on your take well enough from research to know he exposes and brings up all the ugly shit about you when you do. He exposes you to YOU. In order to grow which is what you would call on an entity like him to do, y ou have to face the worst in you. I wrote a song a long ass time ago (a year) called to paraphrase the title “a song for people who perform” one of the lines to paraphrase was “if you practice in this darkness you will face the worst of yourself” and I kno w if I call on him that is what will happen. Another barrier about me is that I know myself better than the average person. I don’t really “KNOW” myself. But I kinda know alot about me? Think of me as a fan reading up on minimal trivia and wikis about me . Like I know as much about myself as a decent Shane Dawson fan knows about him. Speaking of fans. I was watching “Hi I’m Case” one of my favorite musicians streaming. They do a lot of streams. And their music is insane. I’m surprised it took me this long to see the spiritual themes in their music? But maybe that’s because I didn’t focus on the lyrics too much, or because only their latest album is drenched in Christian ideas and spirituality. Also I’m not “grammering wrong” if you are reading this book in English which you should be since it’s NOT going to be published and meant for MY eyes only. Then you should know that transgender people who are people born one sex that identify as another, often use “they, them their” pronouns in this year 2019. I don ’t know how gender will be seen years from now, or milenia. I take comfort in the myth “Ishtar and the Underworld” because as it stands people like me for the longest time don’t really get a place in society. Our president Trump who himself is drowned in t he occult (he’s had to many business failures for it to be him 12 doing the magick, it’s someone related to or close to him) despite being a Christian, tried to ruin the idea of people like me and Case serving in the military. One day America as great of an empire as it is, yes I said empire you heard that right, may as well be at this point, will fall. Even Rome had its time. You know one day people will study America and talk about how we were to milateristic and how stupid it was that we had a 2 party syst em. How terrible we treated our colonies, whoops I mean states T__T. America is terrible. I hate it here. I am moving to England as soon as I can. I don’t like my country. And even if England is worse on the gender front? At Least by then I will have had a ll the surgeries and documents changed so as to not care. But back to the point. Case is on to some shit. I was surprised by how Christian they were. In a lot of ways it unnerved me. Because how can you be this in tune to the occult and magick and spiritu ality and still pick that path? I felt the same way about Max. Max was my X - best friend. He was a schizophrenic spiritual person. In a lot of ways he was right about a lot of shit. But in a lot of other ways he had parasites attached to him, heard voices, had D.I.D alters,and delusions and was content on calling all of that bullshit magick. He had D.I.D he was diagnosed with it and still thought Sans the skeleton a fictional video game character was possessing his body. Nevermind that he had fictives and alters as a person suffering from D.I.D, and possession doesn’t work that way. He fucked up my spiritual growth in a lot of ways. I believed everything he told me. Well almost everything, he thought the anime Fullmetal Alchemist was a telling of his reinca rnations and that I was the evil father dude from it. Yeah never bought that or the fact that famous webcomic and 30 YEAR OLD author Andrew Hussie supposedly hacked his computer. Which was actually how we stopped being friends. My alter Decker (I don’t s uffer from D.i.D anymore so let’s just not go there) got pissed when Max flipped the hell out because he didn’t believe the delusion. If you are going to say something is super duper personal to you, and act like it is sacred to your narrative as a human b eing than you should establish that before you mention it off hand and throw a tantrum when someone doesn’t know this or believe you. Decker wasn’t even an asshole about it either. But now we’re getting into dissociative identity disorder which I was diag nosed with and recovered from by “integrating my system” and I don’t feel like bringing up that sort of past. It’s the real version of multiple personalities and I don’t have it and that’s all you need to know. I tend to go on and on about things like peop le know what I’m talking about. I talk about evocation like you know what that is. Evocation is summoning a spirit, normally a demon to manifest in front of you. I talk about Belial and Beelzebub like you know who they are. They are demons. Not Satan. Not the devil. Not evil. Just demons. All a demon is, is a God (such as a pagan deity of worship) that Christianity didn’t like and thus literally as the word suggests was “demonized”. A demon is just a powerful spirit (normally a God) that christianity took issue with and robbed of it’s status. Pushing a villainous title on to it in 13 order to rob this God or Goddess of their rightful place and tribute