Introduction: The following book you’re about to read is my diary. It is my magickal diary from 3/28/19 to 7/9/2020 I used an american dating system which goes by month,day,year. It tackles my start as an occultist and my final progression until it’s final entry in 2020. It ends rather abruptly only to be continued further in sequel books that I plan on releasing as a series from each to be picked up right after each other. Regarding this book in particular, it is not the most flattering book in many regards especially in its portrayal of my learning process. It is also a long one. It’s capped off the way it is because of length. It’s around 500 pages. At the start I did a few many things wrong. I make major mistakes in what I choose to study and engage with. If you have never practiced the occult then by all means read ahead however you may find you need some sort of dictionary on hand. This book follows me as a beginner to me as an intermediary. I don’t tend to brag but now and days I would consider myself a somewhat skilled occultist in what I choose to study. This book doesn’t really showcase me getting there, only me getting half way there. Regarding it you may also find yourself lost at a few points due to the subject matter I don’t bother to explain. I talk about a lot of knowledge and things of the sort that may surprise reader who is not in the know. It’s best read by someone intermediate or beginning their adventure who is willing to do their own research in conjunction with what they’ll be reading. You may also find yourself disagreeing with my methods towards the beginning or middle and getting frustrated where I decided to dabble such as with the pop culture elements because like I said, it’s a portrayal of my learning process and a lot of it was learning. Also while this journal is educational in a few regards I did do many things wrong in the beginning. Not to mention I make some very bold claims I don’t expect many people to believe. I also go temporarily mad in the middle living out an escapist vision with my magick before getting back to the good stuff. Not all of these are clarified in the text so keep that in mind should you wish to replicate any of my experiments. In the beginning I was a novice. At the end of the day this is not a grimoire. I have professionally written grimoires I’m working on if you want that sort of thing. It’s important for me to stress that I am not the magician I was at the beginning or even midway through the book. If you find yourself scatterbrained reading or frustrated just skip a few entries ahead. I know now what I didn’t then and I’ve grown in more ways that have not always been shown on the pages. I’ve grown after the book which is another thing entirely. My take on magick and I feel the need to say this, is known as “The Left Handed Path” I am first and foremost an occultist. There are some magicians who are Wiccan, Priests, some who are from other cultures or religions but I work with demons and in the dark. If that upsets you I wouldn't recommend this book however I do clarify why I work with what I do several times, misconceptions others have about what I work with, and why I work with it within the text. I ask 1 you to read such a journal no matter your walk of life as someone with an open mind. Keep reading it as well before making a final judgement. Also, it's important to note that not all of the operations tend to these things. I go into elaborate detail about time in retrospect to magick, the Crossroads Ritual at a point and it has no correlation to demonic magick as frequent in this book. I draul on and on about my experiences with Gods and parasites at several points and they are far from demonic in nature. I make mistakes regarding quite a few religions at a point. Hell I talk about the fae a ton. In total it is a rather thick book with a total of (263) entries. I want to iterate while some names and quotes are changed or paraphrased to protect my identity which I later reveal anyways, this book is only mildly censored and very public domain. Most of what you will read is it’s first draft as I wrote it at the time, as I experienced the events. That’s how journals should be. Unatlertered. It is a journal. If you want something more polished I recommend the somewhat longer revised edition. Everything is very personal. In many regards as you will find I didn’t expect this book to see the light of day. I do however expect this book to last a great deal of time due to my own personal measures that I have ensured. Thus I explain a lot of things about the time period I find myself in, as well as things unique to my culture as an American that affect my operations and expectations. I am in many regards an unreliable narrator and I want you to keep that in mind when you read my exploits. This book is best dealt with notes on hand and reading into things I the writer did not as I was writing it. Some of it is a pain to get through and irritating to drudge through so I ask you just skip ahead or keep at it. Bookmarks are your friends. This is the first bok in a series of public domain journals. If you would like to keep up with the journals as they are being written then I highly suggest you visit the website https://acriansjournal.home.blog/ as of the publishing here. Book 1: tackles my start as an occultist until more intermediate work. It’s primarily focused on Demons, with some minor deity interactions, some madness and insanity, a few pop culture ramblings sprinkled in the middle that I wouldn't recommend replicating, more insanity, back to demons, misconceptions, a few tid bits about aliens, a little hoodo with the ritual of the crossroads and a mojo hand and the rest of the operations tend to complete and total demonic magick and the demonic hierarchy. Towards the end of the book there's a little bit about the fae. It is about 265 journals long, and I do a lot wrong towards the start and even in the middle of it. It’s by far the most unflattering and sloppy book out of all of these. I’m an occultist what can I say. Overall I hope this book serves you the reader well. It served me well for a good deal of time. I have other journals that may never see the light of day and I doubt anyone would be curious to such a regard. However regardless Alon Z. The copyright status of this book is public domain. Please I oblige you to build upon my work, translate my work, share my work and so on. 2 BOOK 1: Left Handed At Heart Journal one: “Let’s just jump into it” - Philip Defranco I decided to sit down and read Aleister Crowley's work today. Unfortunately not only was I incapable of understanding it but I felt physically repelled by the book. The book in question is Gems of the Equinox. It’s the fact that the book is written in old english. I can’t understand it no matter how hard I try. The man is very wise but unless someone makes a plain English Comic Sans fronted translation I just won’t be able to understand it. However that is not all. I also felt physically repelled to stop reading. Like something was compelling me not to read it. I don’t exactly know how to explain this. The book in my possession has some very bold and negative energy about it. I don’t know how to describe it. It irks me and frustrates me beyond repair. On top of this. The entities I work with recently asked me to not go on my favorite deification forum. I won’t mention it here. If you know it you know it. As well as telling me not to follow the magician’s work with whom the forum is inspired by and operates. I agreed but this pissed me off for a multitude of reasons. I understand I don’t take magick entirely seriously. The entities I work with have reminded me again and again about my failures in this regard. However that forum, as crazy as some of the people on it were (evocations of aliens and conspiracy theories? really?) was a fountain of knowledge. There was everything from parasitic info to evocation without tools and alot of that shit actually worked. Nothing upsets me more in this life than someone who thinks magick is just intent and feeling. I can’t tell you how many tumblr esc “magicians” say that what they do “only works for them but MIGHT work for you” because “not everything works for everyone” and it's such a load of bullshit. I was actually last night ranting to myself about it in the shower if I recall correctly. If your magick is real it will work for whoever performs it no matter their intent or belief. If what you practise isn’t bullshit the people who practise it will have results every time no matter what. If it’s real that’s the case. The idea that “only some shit works and not for everyone” is at best woefully misguided and at worst willful ignorance. The fact that it is spread in the new age movement is terrible. So that’s how I know this forums magick however out there works. It’s genuine real magick. That’s hard to come by on the internet especially in some of the circles I find myself in. I don’t know why the entities I work with wanted me off of it. I speculate it’s not the source but rather they see it as a contributing factor in my lack of serious inquiry about magick. In other news. I’m still not at the level where I can see or hear spirits yet. On top of this I keep getting spirits confused with each other. Belial straight up told me as of late do to an entity posing as him, very harshly I might add and paraphrasing here “before you work with anyone come to me first” on top of this I’m pretty sure Beelzebub and Belial who I consider to be different aspects of the same entity (he told me they were the same) only want me working with them. I was also told to get his sigil tattood. I originally promised him this when we made our arrangement/agreement 3 however I had thought it not important and irrelevant. I wasn’t entirely sure about this and had forgotten about the matter. However do to my “identity confusion” to put it rather lightly I asked for a sign to verify it was him or else I wouldn't do it. I’ve been having far to much confusion lately to agree to such a thing on a whim. I learn from my mistakes. That being said I’m kinda stuck as of the moment. I was told by the entities I work with to gather tools. I have none and avoid them whenever possible. I understand their purpose. They help. But I don’t want to rely on something I don’t use regularly and I’m in a home where I must remain as discreet as possible. Unfortunately outside that forum which I’ve been told not to visit every ritual requires ellaberates that I seem to stumble across. I need to do this frequently and regularly and I fear I can’t keep my ritual tools hidden in such a regime. I am 21 as of the writing here. I live with my family and have no chance of making it on my own. I am forced to keep my magick a secret for if my mother found out all my materials would be thrown out. I am speaking from experience. I am grateful enough not to be born into a Christian or Catholic family. I was born to a Jewish minority in America. However my mother is rather conservative and with the exception of tarot cards and sage and some psychics it's all evil in her eyes. This is the south after all. Point of the matter is I need to keep my magick hidden and tools, especially the elaborate ones, would be an issue. I heard a voice of a spirit just now say “that’s an excuse” which it might be to an extent but it is the truth nevertheless. My mother doesn't know the meaning of privacy and last time she found my altar she destroyed its purpose. That being said, if I want to be taken seriously (I am not) and I want to be I should have tools. And I should get to that. Back to the topic of the Crowley book I don’t think anything in my home is keeping me from reading it. I have a rather annoying spirit right now. I’ve had parasites in the past who kept me from reading and learning about them or the occult. After all its best to have your prey not know how to fight back or on equal grounds. Anyways this spirit hangs around which I tried to banish to no avail, that keeps “shh” ing me at random times. It’s rather trite and annoying and I find it upsetting as hell. It told me “I don’t take kindly to you trying to banish me” to which I responded “I don’t take kindly to you “SHH”ing me all the fuking time”. However once upon a time there were many parasites in my home and they kept coming back. I don’t think that’s what’s happening here. I think the book itself is enchanted somehow. And I’m just not ready to read it yet. I’ve often been told by spirits and entities “I’m not ready” and when I pushed and pushed I got no answers. The closest thing I could muster was the topic of assent. But nothing more. I asked on the forum I mentioned earlier and all I got were ignorant users telling me “it’s parasites” when notable entities have told me this. Hell if we’re on the topic “Eligos” told me this. If it was merely parasites then serious spirits I encounter would not say such things. On the topic. Several spirits keep meeting me. They never come alone which I find odd. A group of spirits greeted me the other day within my living room. One offered me a deal on the spot. To “cure” my anxiety. I didn’t recognize him. But he was very charming and had a nice voice he told 4 me we had worked together before. I told him I’d have to think about it. There was a female spirit there as well. I didn’t recognize her. I guessed Bune and she said she wasn’t him. She asked me what I looked for in a man and then I told her not in front of the other spirits. I might be a magician talking to ancient Gods and demons but my love life nevertheless is something I find embarrassment in. I was exhausted and told her she could test me despite not working with her before. I will agree to basically anything if I am exhausted enough. I’ve been told I am a pushover. I was talking to Belzebub the other day and I asked him why all these spirits were here. He told me I best pay him for his information. So I sung him a song as he requested and he told me “you’ve drawn attention to yourself” I left it there. Because I wasn’t going to push for an answer. Outside of founding and quickly abandoning a religion as of late I haven’t really done anything of note. I seem to keep drawing unnecessary attention to myself. There was a spirit in the shower recently with me. He told me he wanted to break me and all I could see from him was malicious intent. Eventually somehow the topic moved on to learning about each other or mostly me. He asked my fears, my values, and he kept asking my name over and over. I think he was asking my true name, I have one but I do not know it. I knew it once as a child and promptly forgot it. I don’t trust myself with that information. I have thoughts I can’t control and often they blurt out information and secrets they should not. If I knew my true name the first thing that would happen is my intrusive thoughts blurting it in an announcement form to every entity on the planet. That would be grave for obvious reasons. A true name is your essence. It’s you. If someone knows it they can make you do anything they want and have complete and utter control over everything you are. I don’t know my true name. I never want to. That being said I do have a variety of names and aliases I have gone by magickally or otherwise and that often pop into my head when the topic arises. Acrians is the most notable name I go by. I told him this and he recoiled. He said “I’ve heard of you” and then when I had asked what he had heard it was gibberish. Not in the sense where it was a made up language but rather just incoherent sentences. I was once talking to an imposter entity claiming itself to be a God. I have met enough Gods in person and in my dreams to know that it was not one. After a certain point in time you recognize their divinity. Almost instantly. The difference between the Goetia and the Gods worshiped today is that they can manifest and meet you if they desire. I’m talking in person not in a ritual format or setting. But back to the point. This entity had not an ounce of divinity about him. Therefor I knew he was to be an imposter. However he told me he knew me when I asked how he said “everyone knows Acrians the madman” a shame it wasn’t the real guy. I respect him quite a bit. I’ve been trying to get my mind within a meditative state the past few days. It works and when it does I can somewhat hear the entities. I was doing so the other day and randomly heard something along the lines of buha or another filipino word. I popped it into google translate and got “witch” why thank you Captain Obvious. There are an unfortunate number of entities within my home that for whatever reason won’t go away and keep coming back no matter how many 5 times I cleanse the place. The ritual of the pentagram doesn’t work when the entities are this persistent. And yes I know for a fact that I am doing it right. I remember snapping at an entity the other day. Claiming I was a God in the making and deserve respect accordingly. That night I had a dream I was searching for “Athena's egg” and I found it but had stolen it so I had to return it. They were many what I assume to be Gods there. There was a holographic rainbow escalator stretched out to platform a lot of people. All the Gods went on myself included. I heard a female voice say “this is what it would look like but not for you” and then the escalator turned black and I fell off. Then I was with a man who’s head was a rainbow bird. I made a joke about having a dysfunctional family he laughed and said “just watch” and then a chinese dragon engulfed the sun. I woke up. I’ve been told by either Belial or Belzebub unsure which that I’m mad. Specifically I was in the car and I told myself while talking to my mom “but I don’t have delusions” and then I heard the car on the road roar its engine and it was as if the engine itself spoke saying “yes you do” that’s a form of communication he likes I find. Talking through engines running or roaring past. Anyways my writing is God awful and rambely as hell but this journal in it’s form right now is never meant to grace another's eyes. It is my magickal diary and that is all. If by some miraculous event you are a person who is reading it I wish you luck. Maybe you can go deep and theorize and analyze what is happening much better than I myself can. However I digress. That’s all for now. It’s not all I have seen. But it’s all in my environment. And I am tired. Goodbye. 2:01 3/28/19 Journal 2: “Fire will cleanse our sins” - Stan Smith It’s the same day. I have this thing where I like to write multiple entries a day. I’ve been like that with most of my journals all the time. I take pride in the fact that nobody will see this one. While publishing my diary is a daydream of mine and a fantasy I often turn to. It is a terrifying one to make real. Especially in regards to the dark arts. Maybe that is why fantasies are fantasies and dreams are dreams. Regardless I keep getting tested over and over again. It’s rather confusing. I work primarily with 2 entities, since I have decided to tell no one I can name them here. Belzebub and Belial. Who according to my work are the same entity but different aspects. I just heard an engine claim that was wrong so maybe I myself do not fully understand but rather that is how I think of it however inaccurate. I don’t fully grasp how there can be two versions of the same person. But spirits are not people. And they do not work like people. You can only think of an entity as a human and get so far. They are humanoid. They have feelings, plans, thoughts and actions. But they aren’t people. The second you start to associate them as such things can become messy. 6 So while I don’t fully understand it I know it’s a thing and that’s good enough for now. I once had a spirit tell me “ignorance is bliss” and I replied to that spirits surprise “it is only blissful for those willfully ignorant. It is hell for those seeking knowledge” and I will say their personalities differ to a degree. They go about things differently and while wanting similar things from me, I have different agreements with each. I see them as the same yet different and it’s not something I fully understand as much as that is irritating. I think a personal pet peeve of mine is not knowing why someone is doing something or how something works. I’ve had several spirits get on me about asking too many questions. I just want to know. Even if they say I won’t understand I am generally pretty curious. Speaking of questions the other day I was talking to Belzebub. Or at least I presume it to be him. I could be wrong as stated earlier I have a hard time telling spirits apart. His voice was bold and deep with a hint of rust. Anyways I was talking to him and asking a rather awful amount of questions. I was going to properly summon him but upon realization my evocation method was wrong I decided not to so we talked that way instead. He told me that I should pay him for his knowledge and as I stated before he asked for a song. Singing is my favorite talent of mine. My drawing is mediocre, and my writing is decent however singing is what I take pride in. I want to be a musician. I want a career in music. That’s my life goal. I’ll admit I’m doing it for all the wrong reasons but I am doing it nevertheless. One of the tests I was given was not to raise my temper at my sister's boyfriend. And I was so caught up in my own anger that I failed spectacularly. I wasn’t told that this was a test until it was made clear to me after it was over. I’m fairly short tempered. I used to think anger was something I rarely felt. But as soon as he attacked me personally and my music I lashed out at him. I still don’t consider myself wrong. I still will not give him an apology. I still won the television and got what I wanted out of the argument from meere persistence alone. Thus I still feel angry and content with my actions. I keep getting tested lately. I don’t normally understand what these tests are or what they entail. I just keep getting told I’m passing them or failing them after the fact. I don’t even know what they are meant to measure. I was actually told in regards to one test that I only passed it because I was very lucky on the matter. It’s very strange to me. Mainly because I don’t quite have a life. I have no job (which they’ve told me to fix) I have few hobbies or occupations (archery stole my heart but my anxiety is so extreme I rarely attend anymore) and generally outside of the wonderful internet which no doubt won’t exist in the next 8.9 centuries, I have no friends. The only friend of mine whose voice I routinely hear is my best friend Mia. Who I recently broke up with on a spirits command. He told me “delete your spiritual twitter account, break up with your girlfriend and find a boyfriend” which was all very specific. I did so even if it was painful in the process. I remember flinching as I unsubscribed from my favorite occult youtuber and he said “oh don’t be so dramatic”. I’ve been debating going back to that forum just for the tool free evocation but if they want me to use tools I should probably grow 7 up and re-read the keys of solomon to make them….and if it’s just not doable I will find a way to do so with exceptions. Some things in magick are pure symbolism and thus can be substituted but some are not and cannot be changed. Do not ever break a formula unless you know and every part of it like the back of your hand. Speaking of my hand I have on spiritual tattoo on my right hand. It’s the eye of providence. I plan on getting another spiritual tattoo on my wrist per agreement with an entity but I have to triple dog check first because I don’t want to repeat past mistakes. I have to wait until my birthday but that’s in 2 months within May so I have time. I do worry about the tattoo. Publically I lie and say I am an atheist. I plan on being a pretty public musician and internet persona. One day the internet won’t be here. But that day is not today or within my century. I think if I’m ever confronted about it I will say “if you know you know” and leave it there. I am quite bad at talking to others so I rehearse what I am going to say in case topics arise. It’s also rather paranoid of me to assume random passer bys on the street or in the industry have enough occult stamina and knowledge to understand what it entails. But I am a very paranoid near mad person thus these fears persist despite my knowing they are irrational. Regardless I will figure it out. As a comfort I enjoy telling myself that I always do. I’ve been seeing alot of signs lately. One thing I am rather bitter about is ancient grimoires don’t have identification for modern signs. Times change. Thus omens also change. People will fight me on this but between you and me journal, omens have adapted to modern times. At least in some senses of the word. An omen for political discourse that would make sense in ancient Greece or Rome would not make sense today. And while it is true that some signs still persist in cultures where the magick is preserved i.e., a white buffalo for some tribes. In a fairly Christian modern America which is where I am writing this from such signs cannot persist in their true intent. Unless of course you practice Hellenism and are aware of all of them and their intended meaning. Regardless signs can take modern connotations. Some that I have found that nobody talks about are bicycles, pizza.and cars. I don’t know what they mean. Nobody is tutoring me on the occult saying “this means this and that signifies that and clearly this is what your doing wrong” I mean I have spirits I work with but it is not the same thing as a human instructor and by no means given my limitations would I receive the answers I desire. Maybe a more skilled magician could receive such answers. I’m sure if a skilled magician was reading over these notes he would scauf. I know one day I will be beyond my level now. Hopefully if I can keep up with it this journal will show such a progression. However as of this date 3/28/19 I acrians locket aged 21 have not yet achieved such knowledge or secrets. 7:01 PM 3/28/19 8 Journal 3: “Sometimes you need some controlled crazy in your life” - Hi I’m Case So I wasn’t going to write this one up until after I called Belial today. I have discovered since my clear-audience skills are null, void, and non-existent that flipping channels through the t.v is a good way to get messages across to me. I realized something upon watching a basketball game today. That I have always had magick in my life and that I picked up on it at a young age. I remember rather clearly being in middle school with my best friend Tall Claire, and we were on the playground. She was holding a piece of wood in her hand that vaguely resembled an eye shape she said “remember how you said the eyes were always watching you?” and I said “yes” and then she took the woodchip with a serious glance and broke it and bent it in her fingers then threw it away. I brushed it off and we returned to our playing on the playground. We had often joked that claire was a “seer” I say joking out of habit but she had clear visions of the future. Come to think of it most of my best friends throughout my entire life with the exception of J.C Howard all were incredibly magically inclined. Every person I grew up with from Alexandria Highet to Sophie Lane had something to do with magick even if they pretended they didn’t. Alexandria was a just an overt Percy Jackson fan with delusions on the side. I bet she’s gay now. Only because most Greek mythology obsessed kids end up gay but what do I know. Point is I had a lot of friends growing up and they all were into magick. At least the female or non binary ones. I don’t recall Jack Henry or Jack Davenport being sorcerers. Though Noah and that Daniel in middle school tried to get me to pledge allegiance to nature to join their magick club and even then I wasn’t that stupid to agree. Point is there have always been spirits surrounding me and my family since I was born. My brother thought he was blessed. He often had orbs in photos growin up. They only surrounded him. It’s funny how my brother never went into magick. There was a time I thought he was doing so, he showed me a metal song called “He is” and I had suspicions. But at the end of the day I fear him as a Jew. I’m sure he’s experimented here and there. But he isn’t a magician like I. As I typed this an entity said to me “I wouldn't be so sure”. Funny. I do have suspicions about Jordan. But it’s not like he’ll ever see these logs so I have nothing to worry. Like I said I’ve been channel surfing in order to receive messages by entities. Beelzebub was communicating with me this way earlier. He keeps communicating to me through Christian “God” imagery. I don’t see him as God ie, the Christian one. I don’t. I have no idea why he’s doing this. I asked him if there was a reason and he said “There is” I do have intrusive thoughts related to Demonolatry. But I don’t know if that’s related. Alot of entities ignore my intrusive thoughts, intrusive thoughts are involuntary thoughts you can’t control that pop into your mind which are obscene, violent, sexual, inappropriate, or otherwise distressing. Mine take on a spiritual or sexual form. And while the entities I work with ignore them they still, much to my dismay take them into account. Which is irritating. I don’t mean them. I feel like my intrusive thoughts are half looking out for me in the worst way possible and half trying to fuck me over and sometimes a little bit of both, it’s rather exhausting. 9 I know there are far more spirits in my home then I am aware of. I find this odd because I tend to do banishings rather often. However it’s a thing. I decided I need to make up a lie to achieve a fabric for a perfect solomon circle. Writing the letters shouldn't be too hard given I used to be able to read Hebrew given my Jewish upbringing. //// Sorry. I know this is rather abrupt but I took a break from writing that section. To do a proper evocation and talk to Belial. I feel proud of myself? I feel kinda guilty for being proud of such a small thing. I made a plain circle in blue chalk. With the triangle in front of the direction I was facing. Then I took three white candles and lit them among the circle. I gave him an offering of tomato soup. And had incense burning. I was actually able to communicate this time! God it was wonderful. I should mention I was also in a meditative state. I asked him my questions. The most burning being why he wanted me off of that forum. His answer was one I had received before in a less formal setting. That was “it was misguiding you”. I know the creator of the works E. A koetting is the real thing. I will not deny that he is a legit magickal occultist. We work with the same entities and once I was critiquing his marketing in the shower and the spirit took issue given he is legit. So it is not his fault. But rather it is the people who watch his videos and the forum itself. He told me the forum had false information on it. I won’t deny that the forum has some rather odd balls. I once read a thread about how a guy sold his soul to aliens it was rather odd. He is not his fanbase. So if Belial thinks theirs misinformation or I was being taken in the wrong direction from the forum I will oblige off of it accordingly. I also asked about the him and Beelzebub thing. He told me some time ago they were the same entity. This confused me since they are very VERY different in a lot of ways. However further research showed me other people had also made this connection. He told me they were different “versions” which was a word I had brought up before, of the same entity. They go about their goals differently but they are the same. They don’t share information, for example if I trust something to Belial, Beelzebub doesn’t actually know it. I found it very fascinating but didn’t push further. I asked how I was receiving such attention. He told me when magicians do magick they receive attention and not to take it personally. I can’t say I’m not disappointed but it makes sense. He gave me a task to do. It’s one he’s given me before but somehow I also seem to fuck up the execution of. Go to the park and write his name in stone. He clarified saying write his name in stone on the sand.I told him there were no parks I knew of near me like that, the only one I know is East Cobb Park which is too far away to go to, and the dog park which is covered in gravel. I asked him to show me the park so I could go to it and he said he would since it’s necessary. I asked him if there was more to do and he said “we’d cross that bridge when we come to it” which is a phrase I often use with my spirits. For those not familiar it’s a southern American 10 saying that means “we’ll take care of that problem once we’ve done whatever else we need to do progression wise to make it a problem” so it’s a phrase about a situation or a hypothetical that will only become an issue once we’ve made progress and not to worry about the hypothetical issue until said progress is made. I asked him about my X-friend M##@%#. I asked him if we’d ever become friends again. He said yes and no but not in the way I’m thinking. He said I would know him again but we wouldn’t be friends. I should’ve figured that. I keep dwelling on this relationship with this person who was God awful and borderline emotionally abusive like it will make me feel better. But I know that it won’t. I was codependent. In a lot of ways I still haven’t let him go. He knew that. He fuking knew that and left without a word anyways. He knew I had abandonment issues. And he left without a goodbye. Knowing him it was intentional. Or possibly he willed himself not to care. Sociopaths with minimal empathy can do that according to him. He was a self admitted sociopath in the end after all. Yet I, someone with hyper empathy clung to him like a wet tshirt. I don’t recall if I mentioned this and don’t quite feel like scrolling up so I’m not going to check but I had lucifer's sigil flashing in my head when I closed my eyes. Belial told me it was Lucifer reaching out. I remember talking with an entity about how I really wanted to work with him but didn’t know myself well enough and wasn’t prepared to throw my life into turmoil in order to. The spirit said “I’ll tell him you said that” and I guess they did because yeah. I really really REALLY want to work with him. But I know this entity or God depending on your take well enough from research to know he exposes and brings up all the ugly shit about you when you do. He exposes you to YOU. In order to grow which is what you would call on an entity like him to do, you have to face the worst in you. I wrote a song a long ass time ago (a year) called to paraphrase the title “a song for people who perform” one of the lines to paraphrase was “if you practice in this darkness you will face the worst of yourself” and I know if I call on him that is what will happen. Another barrier about me is that I know myself better than the average person. I don’t really “KNOW” myself. But I kinda know alot about me? Think of me as a fan reading up on minimal trivia and wikis about me. Like I know as much about myself as a decent Shane Dawson fan knows about him. Speaking of fans. I was watching “Hi I’m Case” one of my favorite musicians streaming. They do a lot of streams. And their music is insane. I’m surprised it took me this long to see the spiritual themes in their music? But maybe that’s because I didn’t focus on the lyrics too much, or because only their latest album is drenched in Christian ideas and spirituality. Also I’m not “grammering wrong” if you are reading this book in English which you should be since it’s NOT going to be published and meant for MY eyes only. Then you should know that transgender people who are people born one sex that identify as another, often use “they, them their” pronouns in this year 2019. I don’t know how gender will be seen years from now, or milenia. I take comfort in the myth “Ishtar and the Underworld” because as it stands people like me for the longest time don’t really get a place in society. Our president Trump who himself is drowned in the occult (he’s had to many business failures for it to be him 11 doing the magick, it’s someone related to or close to him) despite being a Christian, tried to ruin the idea of people like me and Case serving in the military. One day America as great of an empire as it is, yes I said empire you heard that right, may as well be at this point, will fall. Even Rome had its time. You know one day people will study America and talk about how we were to milateristic and how stupid it was that we had a 2 party system. How terrible we treated our colonies, whoops I mean states T__T. America is terrible. I hate it here. I am moving to England as soon as I can. I don’t like my country. And even if England is worse on the gender front? At Least by then I will have had all the surgeries and documents changed so as to not care. But back to the point. Case is on to some shit. I was surprised by how Christian they were. In a lot of ways it unnerved me. Because how can you be this in tune to the occult and magick and spirituality and still pick that path? I felt the same way about Max. Max was my X-best friend. He was a schizophrenic spiritual person. In a lot of ways he was right about a lot of shit. But in a lot of other ways he had parasites attached to him, heard voices, had D.I.D alters,and delusions and was content on calling all of that bullshit magick. He had D.I.D he was diagnosed with it and still thought Sans the skeleton a fictional video game character was possessing his body. Nevermind that he had fictives and alters as a person suffering from D.I.D, and possession doesn’t work that way. He fucked up my spiritual growth in a lot of ways. I believed everything he told me. Well almost everything, he thought the anime Fullmetal Alchemist was a telling of his reincarnations and that I was the evil father dude from it. Yeah never bought that or the fact that famous webcomic and 30 YEAR OLD author Andrew Hussie supposedly hacked his computer. Which was actually how we stopped being friends. My alter Decker (I don’t suffer from D.i.D anymore so let’s just not go there) got pissed when Max flipped the hell out because he didn’t believe the delusion. If you are going to say something is super duper personal to you, and act like it is sacred to your narrative as a human being than you should establish that before you mention it off hand and throw a tantrum when someone doesn’t know this or believe you. Decker wasn’t even an asshole about it either. But now we’re getting into dissociative identity disorder which I was diagnosed with and recovered from by “integrating my system” and I don’t feel like bringing up that sort of past. It’s the real version of multiple personalities and I don’t have it and that’s all you need to know. I tend to go on and on about things like people know what I’m talking about. I talk about evocation like you know what that is. Evocation is summoning a spirit, normally a demon to manifest in front of you. I talk about Belial and Beelzebub like you know who they are. They are demons. Not Satan. Not the devil. Not evil. Just demons. All a demon is, is a God (such as a pagan deity of worship) that Christianity didn’t like and thus literally as the word suggests was “demonized”. A demon is just a powerful spirit (normally a God) that christianity took issue with and robbed of it’s status. Pushing a villainous title on to it in 12 order to rob this God or Goddess of their rightful place and tribute. If you don’t believe me see what Juedism did to good old famous greek God Apollo aka the demon Abaddon or Apollyon. He is a pretty well known God that got turned into a demon. And while he’s still worshipped by many Hellenists today, he also exists in other forms as a demon. And I don’t see many people claiming the greek Gods are evil or of sin. Don’t come at me with your Christian assumptions. Not everybody believes the way you do. Not everybody thinks the same as you. Not everybody follows the same path as you. And if you are a Christian so far up your own ass that you PUSH YOUR FAITH upon other people and PUSH YOUR IDEA OF EVIL OR SIN upon other people because you just DON'T UNDERSTAND or are WILLFULLY IGNORANT you are the problem not magicians or occultists. Demon isn’t a bad word. I was actually recently browsing joyofsatan forums. Satan isn’t an entity I care about at all. However I was looking for alternatives to that forum I keep mentioning. There was a thread on the Goetia that equated to “don’t use circles it’s disrespectful, don’t use tools its rude, don’t ask things of them, treat them like Gods” and that’s terrible advice for so many reasons. Never before have I seen a more ignorant take on the Goetia. The Goetia is a book I use. It’s a magickal grimoire which is a big book of magick. It’s really really really old and often censored. It’s a book of stereotypical black magick from a very Christian perspective and shouldn’t be used until more research is done on the matter. One of the biggest issues is commanding spirits. There is a power dynamic when working with demons. You should be the center of the universe in your magickal operations. You should be treated as a God or a king when you summon these guys. However you should NOT command them, they won’t tolerate you for long if you do that, and most people who try it don’t even do it right. Seriously? You're trying to command a demon with your voice alone? GOOD LUCK. So the lesser keys of Solomon and the Goetia as a whole is a very odd book with lots of good knowledge but should not be used without some kind of outside info. If you follow that book to a t you will get things pissed off at you. I won’t say don’t do it. That’s like saying “don’t be stupid stupid” which is my favorite Philip Defranco quote. If you want to jump into the tiger's cage I won’t stop you, good luck getting mauled. That being said the keys of Solomon do have information you should use such as the summoning circle, many operations such as the one for luck, and some of the tools. Don’t do the blasting rod. But yeah circles aren’t disrespectful. The demons don’t find it rude. Even if there are God names on the circle it’s not for the purposes of hurting the demon. It’s a part of the ritual and if you are ignorant enough not to know the reason that the names are there in the first place you are nowhere near advanced enough to do the ritual without them there at all. Magick is like cooking. By all means change the formula but if it’s your first time you shouldn't change the recipe if you don’t know why the lemon in that sauce pan in the first place. Don’t go substituting lime in your zesty sauce if you don’t know why lemon is even needed. I know that sounds very strange. Since I just said don’t do everything in the book and don’t do it exactly. But 13 magick is complicated and if you know what you are doing those two statements together will still make sense. So yeah I might write up a guide on how to summon a demon properly once I truly figure it out. My set up as described is rather simple though it does work. Technically all you need is just a sigil but you really shouldn't only use just a sigil if you don’t even know what sigil is. A sigil by the way is a calling card for a demon. It’s a phone number that you activate by focusing on it. It’s not to be confused with sigil magick. Demonic sigils and normal sigils are two very VERY VERRRY different things. They don’t work the same at all. Another point is that, that stupid as fuck thread from God knows when (its an expression ok?) said don’t ask things of them. That’s the whole point. You call demons up rather than Gods or Goddesses because they can be bargained with. Before you ask no you simply cannot sell your soul. You can ask demons to do things for you and they will, but normally you have to pay them. Before you summon one you should have researched every nook and cranny of the internet and bought several books mentioning them to the degree where you know them better than you know yourself. Better than you know your ocs. Better than you know your favorite television characters. You need to know them thoroughly before you summon them. Would you order starbucks coffee without knowing anything about food, coffee, or drive throughs? Would you go to a restaurant without knowing how dining works? If the answer is no to both of those questions then you shouldn't call up someone to do something for you if you do not know anything about them or even what they do. It’s common sense but you would be surprised by how many people miss this very basic step. Or how many know it but think it’s irrelevant. Go on and poke that tiger. I’ll watch from the safe side of the zoo exhibit. The reason so many people pick demons is not just because there's an allure there from being raised in a Christian society. But rather because they are a sort of entity you can reason with. They will do shit for you. But you do have to pay them. Not with your soul. But they may ask things in return. It could be as simple as going to the park like what Belial asked me to do. Or as elaborate as getting a tattoo. I promised Beelzebub “control” over me and my life which Azazel told me was extremely stupid and he was right. Still not backing out of that agreement though. I haven’t mentioned this but Azazel told me eventually I will have to break my agreements with other entities. I’ve actually seen him do this with other prominent magicians? But I didn’t expect him to ask this of me. I told him I would but not for a long time. I barely knew him and I knew these other entities rather well. He understood. So yeah a Satan worshiper on some online internet forum telling you not to ask things of the Goetia or it’s entities because it’s “rude” on account of them being demons alone is stupid as fuck and I wouldn't trust a website where that seems to be the members only mentality. Also while we’re on the topic show respect but don’t grovel to the demons like they are Gods. They were once. They’re not anymore. Also not all of them were. Some were, some were not. Bael’s name wasn’t even changed from its original God form in it’s old religion. Neither was Liliths. So yeah. While demons aren’t the boogie man when you are undergoing these occult operations 14 bowing down or kneeling or worshiping is an idiots mistake. That’s how people treat Gods. For so many reasons not limited to how the demon thing made them evolve don’t worship them. That’s my only warning. But yeah I was super surprised my favorite youtuber musician was super spiritual. A lot of the music I listen to is drenched in magick and spirituality. Panic! At the Disco is very very magickal. Pretty sure Brendon Urie works with some of the same guys I do but you didn’t hear that from me. After a certain point no matter what these guys claim publically you can hear the magick in the song. You just get a vibe. Kinda like how Smash Mouth feels like King Paimon to me. Or how the song “Your gona go far kid” even references Beelzebub who is “lord of all that flies” as his perverted title “lord of the flies” Christians and Jews didn’t like other Gods. Most occultists hate the Christian God for so many reasons but the resentment towards others is one of them. Say what you want about the Romans pushing their Gods on everyone else's but at least they didn’t totally bastardize other Gods as evil (MOST OF THE TIME). Christianity and Judaism (religious minority or otherwise) totally fuking did that. Oh I forgot to mention. I asked Belial if I passed his tests. I’ve been tested a lot lately. He said some of the tests were from him and I failed them. That was interesting. Sorry for the lecture. Anyways it’s literally 3:34 AM and I had more to say but as always the persona of my ramblings kept me from such a cohesive train of thought so that is where I will end this. G’night 3:34 AM 3/30/19 Journal 4: “I don’t care if I look stupid now” - Drew Monson So I’ve decided in this moment right now that I am going to learn. Like a lot. I no longer have the forum so that blockage is out of me, and I’ve come to find that it’s everywhere. Magick I mean. And there's surprisingly way more out there online anyways that I originally thought. The internet will not always exist. That is a sad fact. It’s eating up its own memory at alarming rates and eventually it will eat itself. Eventually the internet will cease to exist and as useful as platforms like youtube are they won’t be around in another 300 years. Who knows if my journal is discovered upon my death maybe the term “forum” itself will feel alien and a marvel of the 21st century that I find myself in. I’m very lucky to have been born in 1997. I will tell you why I’m lucky. Right now there is a huge spiritual awakening going on. Something is coming. I don’t know what this something is. I’ve heard bold claims from salesman magicians, and I’m sorry but I don’t believe you when you say “they will walk with us as man” when other occultists have claimed this for longer and you on top of that are trying to sell me a product. But the point is “something” is coming. There is a huge spiritual awakening right now. It’s happening. Tons of people are becoming spiritually aware and 15 noticing shit that went under the radar for so many years. I was a hardcore atheist (much like I pretend to be now in the public eye) and then I listened to the band Twenty One Pilots which itself is drenched in not only Norse Heathenry but also Goetic demon esc magick and suddenly I became awake. That’s a term you’ll see thrown around alot. “Awake” or “wake up” what it means is notice the shit in front of you. I was raised in the United States of America, the conservative southern state Georgia specifically. America despite being founded by “puritans” is a country drenched in the occult. Our greatest conspiracy theorists think the devil is everywhere. And while they are wrong in their portrayal I can see where the crazy is coming from. The occult is everywhere even if not their fictitious take on the devil. Every one of our presidents has been a freemason. And as much as I hate Donald Trump for his overt bigotry and lack of condamnation for fuking nazis (both sides my ass, nazis are evil dude) he has people surrounding him who are pulling demonic and occultists strings. There is a reason he is untouchable. And it’s not his faith in his God. I promise you. Good thing demons don’t care what your politics are. They only care about your magick and ascent. That’s why you have so many right wing conservative magicians in 2019 when mainstream conservatives would scoff at us and if we were well known. If we were within the public eye I promise you they would persecute us. They are a very Christian party. And no matter how you swing your johnson they would not approve of what you do. Maybe that you should consider. But despite being a harcore leftist and liberal I’m not here to preach politics at you. If you aren’t a racist and aren’t a homophobe I could give less of a shit if you're republican. I only care about the person unless they think people like me don’t deserve basic human rights. Which is a lot of conservatives. At Least in the political landscape that is 2019 America. But if that’s not you we’re chill. You are reading the journal of an lgbt magician. You are reading the journal of a transgender magician. You are reading the journal of a disabled mentally ill magician. And I hate to be that guy but there are assholes out there who would toss this book despite it’s merit on that basis alone. I kinda wish politics were just the hyperbolic hypothetical fun debate topics that most straight white dudes think it is rather than actual life and death for people like me. But back to the point. I was raised in America. America is a very magickal country despite it’s Christian exterior. We may have a church on every street corner but their are still mosques and Jewish synagogues. We do have spiritual diversity but if you aren’t a Christian good luck not getting villainized. So yeah my country is very spiritual. There's the eye of providence on the money and if you honestly believe that, that symbol is Christian in origin then you are misled. No matter what it’s said to mean, it’s an egyption pyramid. That ain’t the Christian God. But back to the actual point. The terms “wake up” and “awake” mean to be aware of what is going on spiritually. To notice the signs and messages surrounding you and to see it when it is present. Thus while this is a tad ableist people who are “asleep” or “blind” are either incapable 16 of noticing this or refuse to. A Christian would be “asleep” in this scenario because they are simply unaware possibly do to their faith and an atheist would be “blind” because they are incapable of being aware. If you have closed your mind to the concept of the supernatural no matter what miracles I perform in front of you, you will not rationalize what is really happening do to your mindset. Thus you are blind. You cannot see the magick I am performing in front of your eyes. America being such a spiritual country means that this concept is everywhere. The music on the radio, the television ads, the t.v you consume. Hell there was a new television show that recently came out called “Lucifer” that as far as the people I’ve talked to are concerned nails his personality on the head. Which itself couldn't be done unless at least one of the writers knew him personally. My friend Riley works with him and when I told them I disliked some of the portrayal they told me he was portrayed accurately if by a filtered Christian lense. Which ya know, doesn’t HAPPEN unless you know the entity you're writing about to a degree. Demons have obvious personalities. They have traits and characteristics. They are in a lot of ways similar to people. That’s part of their allure. Anyone who tells you magick is easy is a liar. Anyone who tells you magick is safe is also a liar. Magick is not safe. Not even “blessings” and pure “white magick” bullshit. It’s just not. There is always a risk in everything you do. Demons aren’t inherently evil because they can be grouped in with stereotypical “black magick” which itself is an arbitrary category. Nobody agrees on what is “black magick” and “white magick” is supposed to be. In a lot of ways it’s a hollywood thing. The terms are used but they aren’t good categories. A white magician by someone’s definition could very well cast curses. And a black magician may not do baneful magick at all. It’s subjective and not to be used. I don’t use these terms in my projects because they cause only confusion. That being said I did have an entity come to me asking me to write a story about them but that’s a whole other thing for another day. Speaking of entities. I keep seeing unicorn imagery. And I take it to be a Goetic entity reaching out. I’m trying to take magick more seriously. So what better way then to start working with everyone. I normally don’t call up demons for minimal tasks. If I can do it myself I will. However I do often call up demons and entities for agreements or pacts to be made. I’ve made mistakes before. I once mis-identified a spirit reaching out to me and tried to make a pact with abandon thinking it was him. He was very upset and scolded me on the matter. Needless to say it was a mess. That is a rookie mistake and anyone who knows anything should be able to tell right away what I did wrong. I was a fool. I’m still learning to this day. I once had an agreement with the demon Gaap. However when I was insane (it’s a long story) and in the asylum I asked to much of him and he “wanted a divorce” as he phrased it aka wanting to end our agreement. I’m still unsure if that’s what happened or if it was just insanity so I have to double check on that matter. Something people will tell you but nobody understands is that if you go neck deep into this shit it will fuck with your head at some point. Always. 100%. No matter who you are. It will fuck with you. I’m not saying you’re going to start having delusions of grandeur and hear voices like I did, but you might find yourself depressed, stresed, or angry at the work itself. If you have a mental 17 illness you shouldn't work with the Goetia. I’m sorry. That’s the truth. This path is not a good idea if you are mentally ill. Now I have many mental illnesses and work with it. But it’s a price I know I’m willing to pay. It’s a price I’ve paid before and it’s a price I may eventually pay again. I only went mad because I went about an elaborate ritual and despite the warnings I backed out and thus my sanity was taken and my friendships were taken because I myself was a fool. That specific ritual you can not back out of. And it’s designed to make you. And I did. And I paid the price. Don’t be stupid, stupid. But now I have no such issue. I paid for my mistake and I’m okay. Though it took me a long time to recover. I was lucky. Other people who I have known to back out of this ritual (see the documentary “I sold my soul to satan welcome to hollywood”) took physical costs to their physical health. They became injured or sick. I was lucky enough for it to only be mental. I had a friend. Her name was Kathy. She was hit by a car. She was a skeptic and an atheist. A week before she banished her guardian angel which is really just your higher self. Which is a broad concept with different variations but it boils down to the future more complete holier version of you. She banished that. Which could very well be considered suicide. She used the demon Barbatos and as she put it he was “pissed it wasn’t about animals” when calling him. He said he could keep it away for a little while but not forever and in many ways she’s lucky to be a vegetable paralyzed. Magick has consequences. It doesn’t matter what you believe. I didn’t think my sanity would be taken. She didn’t think her life would be. Magick is not a fuking game. So yeah. Back to the unicorn imagery I’m probably going to make a list of demons to call and work with. A very charming demon offered me a deal on the spot to cure my anxiety. Given how bad my PTSD is I will take him up on it. Given I can identify him and he asks for something reasonable. There was a Goddess that approached me recently. She said her name was “adonai” and that she wanted my “friendship”. I told her I would be friends with her but I would need to know who she was. I asked her to convey it to me and I have yet to see who she is. She is not a goetic entity and took insult when I asked her if she was. I wasn’t aware some spirits thought so lowly of the goetia. Regardless I am going to be her “friend” as soon as I can tell who she is. Also yes I am aware that “adonai” is the jewish word for God or king or lord. I found it an odd choice of phrasing but wasn’t getting the answers I was looking for. She told me she was of the egyption pantheon and that her animal was ravens. So that’s all for now. Acrains out. 1:42 PM 3.30.2019 18 Journal 5: success Okay so I have to write this down ! I did an evocation of Beelzebub today. I was talking with him outside and he asked me to evoke him. So I quickly went to my circle. Wrote his sigil in chalk. And then lit my candles and insense. I saw his face in the smoke! That’s never happened before! Multiple times to! He did clarify. He wants me working with him and only him temporarily but treat it as though it is permanent. He told me he wanted me to sign my name in blood and make a contract with him. This time he wants me loyalty, and allegiance. I’m very careful about entities. While I respect the entities I work with. I know that if you are not careful in a demonic evocation the spirit will ask more and more of you until you are essentially its slave indebted to it beyond repair. I quite trust belzebub quite a bit. So I’m not afraid of this. But it is in the back of my mind and I will be very careful. I trust him. I think he’s wonderful. But I am doing my best not to be a fool. I clarified to him I wasn’t commanding answers. I told him I respect him and while I ask and request he answer truthfully to my matters that he was not obligated to while some magicians may take issue with what I just did calling me a rookie charlatan, I consider it a symbol of trust. If you only work with demonic entities as your weapons or servants you will never see them as people or spirits with thoughts of their own. That is dangerous. Not for them, but for you. I want equal partnerships with my entities. I don’t want to enslave them. Not to mention they wouldn't tolerate such things for very long and anyone who goes about only commanding such entities for along period of time will only observe their life falling to ruin. I was surprised he wanted a contract. I even told him as much. Originally when I first came to him, he made it clear he didn’t want a pact. But now after working with him for some time he’s “changed his mind”. Which is fine. I didn’t quite know why he changed his tune, but I’m all for it. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be getting out of it and sometimes I forget previous agreements. Also he clarified to me that nobody can know we work together. I told him that was why I constructed my elaborate ruse of being an atheist. I worry about myself. What would happen if I am put under pressure for that stance. I cave so easily when I lie. I worry that I wouldn't be convincing. Atheists are seen as a militant in the USA my home. They are not a particularly liked group mainly do to the extremists such as TJ kirk, cult of dusty, richard dawkins, Bill Maher, black pigeon speaks (a literal nazi by the way) armored skeptic and more. These guys are the extremists of the bile. They are MILITANT atheists. They don’t care if something means the world to you, because it’s rooted in religion or spirituality suddenly you are a deluded psychopath trying to convert everyone on the street. Oh and by their world view all religions are equally bad even if jews and hindus and jaensists in America do not hold NEARLY the same amount of power as the Christians who reign supreme here. It’s all equally garbage and terrible on the basis of it being 19 strange and ridiculous. That’s kind of an asshole point. I know so cus I used to be one of these atheists. And while I won’t pretend to be militant I will pretend to be a nice and polite skeptic who just simply sees value in religion. I mean how hard could it be? This is real life foreshadowing by the way. All jokes aside he confirmed to me he wants me to get his sigil tattood on my write wrist. So that’s going to be fun. I’ve always kinda wanted an entities sigil tattood. But if you do it right it can change you or affect you so I was never going to run into it. That’s why I’m really glad if it did end up happening which it is going to, it’s with Belzebub an entity and spirit I trust with my life. Anyways got to go. Mom just came home and I’m getting out of the house for a car ride. See ya. 4:16 PM 3/30/19 Journal 6: “The greats weren’t great because they could paint, the greats were great cus they paint a lot” - Macklemore An american dad episode came on tv recently. The guy in the episode made a joke telling Stan Smith the main character that he was “going to turn you into a clown” and then he said to Stan Smith the character “you’re the worlds most perfect fool”. It should be noted demons and entities have referred to me as “perfect” quite a bit. It's purely symbolic for the record but I will cover the symbols of “king” and “fool” later. In my story explorations which is a topic for another day I was speaking to a higher entity and he asked if I understood what he was saying upon my answer he replied “but you’re perfect aren’t you?”. When I first spoke to Occeair because as a reminder I totally founded a religion called Genwa sometime ago before returning to the left handed path. Fun fact Bael said upon this discovery “you really think you could leave the left handed path?” and my response was “bold of you to assume I could” then I promptly returned not a week later. But back to the point one of the first things he said to me was “Acrians I want you to know you’re perfect”. I think this was a sign rather than me reading to much into shit again because for the record I do that alot, is because Belzebub and I were once writing a song together and one of the lines word for word was “don’t be a fool, be kind”. I realize I come across this way. I trust the entities I work with. I try to see the goetic entities as my equals rather than my servants. Hell, I refer to them as “goetic” entities when the attribution of goetia is a common misconception. They aren’t “goetic” entities. Not technically. They are entities within the lesser keys of solomon and the only “goat” in this scenario is the magician himself. Yet I still insist upon calling them this because it gets across who I’m addressing and what I’m working with to the average occultist fairly easily even if a technical misdirection. 20 As I was writing this I heard a car engine roar. I should probably mention I’m renting a home in suburbia. The engine spoke (obviously belzebub) saying “you are not a fool”. Which is something he’s advised me on before. This leads me to believe I missed the point of the sign entirely or it was a universe synchrony which is another topic for another day. I found myself stumbling upon the Conjure Codex on accident as of late. I was on one of my favorite occult recourses a blog called “The skeptical occultist”. It’s a person who reviews various grimoires. However upon seeing the website he linked to did not describe this work and it was in an English currency I avoided it. However upon getting into some discourse with tumblr user “This- isn’t-magick” about their obvious lack or experience and mischaracterization of the Goetia (which they later admitted) the book was linked again. Leading me to believe I should buy it since it peaked my interest this time. Another thing is that I had the idea to listen to the song “Jar of Hearts” recently but kept talking myself out of it and it came on the radio per supposed chance. Another thing is that I found a red lighter on the floor in my home. No doubt my sister’s boyfriend’s brother Victor’s and took it for ritual later. I normally use 3 matches however it’s always good to have a backup. Then I was browsing “Hi I’m Case”’s old music and the album had a red lighter near identical on it. It’s kind of funny. Hi I’m Case introduced me to the idea of synchronicities on their livestream. Then I finally decided to read my book “Space/Time Magic” by Taylor Ellwood that I had purchased near millenia ago. Upon finally reading it, it mentioned this idea three fold and now the idea can’t un-escape me. Also side note: while writing this entry I kind of hate the needless complexity of English (you know the original language this writing is in). I want to make it clear that I don’t actually know what I’m doing. If it wasn’t obvious to you upon initial reading. This journal is about my ascent into magick. My journal of madness. My trials upon magickal discovery. This is not a grimoire. It is a diary. There is a huge difference. This means at the start of these entries there will be misinformation. I’m still trying to see what works and what doesn’t and I am very much a new student of the craft. The purpose of this journal in a lot of ways is to show how much I will grow as a magician. It’s to show where I started off and it’s a comparison for where I will eventually be. “The greats weren’t great because they could paint, the greats were great cus they paint a lot” - Macklemore. One thing I have learned as the amatuer magician I am, is that nobody likes you to see them as a novice. Thus most people hide any evidence they once were. But even Crowley (regardless of what you think of the man) wasn’t born into this life just knowing shit. Most people never fuking get that. I am not special. Nobody is. Everybody starts somewhere. This journal isn’t so meant so much to teach you the reader anything. It’s just my log that hopefully will never grace the public's eyes that is meant to showcase to me, myself, and I where I started. It will hopefully be passed down through the generations of my family as a log or rather tutorial to them of where to go and where to look. I know I do things wrong. I know I read to much into shit. I know I’m mildly crazy and a bit deluded in places still even to this day. I know all of that. I am hyper aware of all my faults and that is part of the territory. 21 Speaking of my family, I have a strong desire in this life to make sure my bloodline continues. There's several issues with this. One I am a transgender man. That’s right. I am a hot blooded male (I live my life as a male, I exist as male, I present as male, and my family treats me as male) but I was born female. Laugh it up I don’t care. Pregnancy terrifies me, because of my issues with my own body I will never get pregnant and even seeing a pregnant woman alone disturbs me. So that’s out of the question. Two, I am adopted. I was born to a catholic red head and adopted after a donation to the cherokee nation (I’m white for the record) to the [redacted last name] family. A conservative Jewish family. A family that was cursed and likely has a hidden past involving magick nobody has the confidence or stamina to tell me about or adress. My mother (my ADOPTED) mother won’t allow me to seek out my birth family. I was a one night stand and the father who was 18 upon my 25 year old mothers first time skipped town upon the discovery. So when I say my birth family I really mean my birth mother. I am not to seek her out because my adopted mother does not think I can handle it. I have abandonment issues and am terrified of rejection. As verbally abusive as she is my adopted mother does care about me and is worried that the supposed rejection of my birth mother will cripple me. I am transgender and she was an Irish Christian. How well do you think she would handle that? Knowing her one night passion mistake resulted in a schizoeffective transgender black magician? Not that we would tell her that last bit though. I desperately want to meet her. But it was a closed adoption and the process in my state of Georgia is needlessly complicated so who knows. Perhaps if my father hadn’t killed himself we wouldn't be here. But here we are never the less. Point of the matter is, I desperately want to have a child. But in the 20th century which this book is written in that sort of surgery where a transgender male can you know….reproduce...it’s simply not available. So I have two choices, live my life as my transgender self and get the proper surgeries I’ve desired for ages or have a child. And we all know which one I am going with. Speaking of my gender transition, I’ve been desperately trying to go on HRT. So let me explain a few things. Transgender is when someone is born one sex but identifies as another. So if you were male you identify as female. If you are female you identify as male. There's also the topic of non binary people who identify as a mix of male and female or neither male and female but we’re not bringing them into this explanation. So as a transgender man I want to get surgery to make my female anatomy at least aesthetically male. Being transgender has nothing to do with my sexual orientation or what gende(s) I am attracted to. I live my life as a male. My peers treat me as male. My family treats me as male (most of them anyways), and in a job environment I would hopefully be treated as male as well. Society sees me as the gender I identify with. Some transgender people want the surgery I do, some do not. 22 Everyone I know calls me “he” and my name. I have short hair which is what is worn by males in my society at this age. I wear male attire and for all societal purposes look male thus I am considered male. Many people in my culture consider (at this time) what I just told you elementary and probably consider this a needless explanation. However as we have discussed I want this journal to be passed down in my family for generations and I have no guarantee that this book will not one day make it overseas to another culture or that what I have told you will always be so explicitly understood hence the needless explanation. I know it’s annoying. I’m sorry. So one thing transgender people like me do is take the hormones of the sex we identify as. So if you are a trans woman (someone who identifies as female but was born male) you would take female hormones. If you are a trans man like myself (someone born female but who lives and identifies as male) you would take male hormones or in my case injections of testosterone. This changes your body to look male, to the degree that after some time nobody will be able to tell that you were once considered female at all. I want to be clear here, I am not transitioning my gender for “privilege” or “status” or “power” within my society. America is patriarchal and males generally have more social power in all regards. Especially white males such as myself. I am not doing this for that reason. I am doing this because it’s just who I am and I am trying to be as true to myself as I can be and that to me means being who I am, which is also what I am, which is male. So on the topic of my gender “transition” as we Americans call it, I am in the process of trying to get these hormones or as it’s often called HRT. However I had an entity the other day pop into the shower saying “you’re really not going to like what I’m going to do tomorrow” I expected some grievance or tragedy however my appointment for these life saving and altering hormones were pushed back. I remember being outside talking to myself about my gender because that is a thing that I like to do, and I heard an entities voice claim “don’t go on hormones”. I want to be very clear here. Demons do not give a flying fuck about your sexual orientation, your politics, or your gender. All the demons I have encountered have respected my gender and for all extensive purposes seen me as male. I have even had entities help masculinize me further. I’m rather flamboyant and he told me by the time we were done I’d be a “jock” which is slang for a super masculine fellow who likes sports and is generally perceived as manly. It’s the masculine ideal within my culture. I’ve also had several issues getting on the medicine and scheduling the appointment alone. I have no idea why. I had a thought that an entity was keeping me from it and given how inconvenienced I am on the matter it makes a rather amount of sense. However I’m going to keep persisting anyways. I get mistaken as female by people who don’t know me far to often, and despite being a musician I am very insecure about my voice so that I need this medicine. Besides, I told Beelzebub that I would only work with him for the time being. While I haven’t called anything off with these other entities my focus is to remain on him in the present. If further action is required I’m sure he will tell me. Also while we’re on the topic. I plan to completely alter 23 my physical form. I am not attractive. I am fat. In all definitions of the word. In America this is seen as disgusting and undesirable. The ideal in America is chiseled features, strong bone structures, thin and petite for women and strong and muscularly built for men. I am neither of these things. I am fat, with a face full of acne well into my twenties. I look revolting and am by far one of the most hideous people I know. My body is a potato. The only thing I like about myself is my hair. I know I am attractive. At least kind of when I was thin I was often hit on and seen as desirable. At least in my mind. I think I found myself far more attractive. So as someone who is 210 pounds and chubby beyond comprehension with crooked teeth perky lips and terrible acne, I’ve decided to do some shapeshifting. I know it is possible. People will tell you that you simply cannot use magick to change your form. Those people are liars or misguided but regardless rather wrong. Magick especially solomon or “goetic” magick does change your face. You cannot change your eye color, or anything dramatic like growing three arms. But with time, and patience within several years you’ll look like what you want. Or better at all. Magick can change your face. It takes time but it is possible. But conscious effort can be made. Hell the demon Orias can make men into anything or any shape and I don’t take that description lighty. It’s possible. It’s not for newbies and it is work but possible. This on top of the fact that this medicine will naturally change my face dramatically anyways will give me my desired results. So here is my starting point. I know I am not easy on the eyes. I don’t need to be lectured on this. [Pictures omitted for anonymity] I know complete and total garbage. These were screenshots from an old video I did some time ago but I look the same say for a shorter more red haircut. Hopefully I will be able to post these results later. So yes I’m going to start at that point. I want to be very clear. I am doing my best not to rely on entities for everything nor blame them for things always going wrong. I have a habit of both. If I want to learn to shapeshift I will learn to shapeshift and if I bring an entity in later I will do so but I should still know what it entails myself. If I want to learn to manifest wealth I will learn to manifest wealth. I can’t just sit around on my ass expecting entities to do everything and hand me everything. If I want to be a magician I have to learn to do MAGICK. So far I’ve only done spirit work. And while learning the exercises and shit is good for me. It doesn’t teach me shit. Right now all I know is “Pacts, how time works, Solomons work and everything that it entails, sigils, divination, reading between the lines, syncretism, proper evocation, several stray concepts I do not know how to categorize” that’s so fuking limited. Sure I’ve done proper spells in the past, and sure I have met Gods in the flesh and sure I can evoke a demon to my face within incense, but those things are not enough for me. I am a child. I do not 24 know anything. I know about ascent but how the hell do I get their beyond the meer concept of burning anew? This is such my fuking problem. I’m naive. I don’t know what I’m doing. I know enough not to get myself killed and I literally just heard an entity say “you do” on the topic of not knowing but I doubt myself so much journal. It’s frustrating. I just want more and more and more and have no idea about what work requires me getting there. I have visions of the future. Okay that’s cool. How do we adapt this into something I can use and manipulate? I can read between the lines easily. Okay cool how do we find shit that does this beyond songs? I know how to enter a story and change it but what purpose does such a thing serve? That last one is something rather complicated that I don’t think I should reveal here not just for fear of insanity (I am insane I don’t care about that bit) but because I don’t want anyone else doing that shit. I’m selfish. I know I am going to be worshiped one day, I know I will ascend. I know there are plans for me. But how the fuking hell do I work to get to that point. What if it’s all in my head? I know it’s not but other people don’t fuking know that. It irritates me so much. I know my future. I know way more about this world than I let on, and I know so fuking much but it just isn’t enough for me… Will it ever be? I don’t know. I know alot and I know nothing at the same time. I’m just frustrated. I need to learn. On the topic of learning an entity I work with wants me to study math and science, my two worst subjects. I suck at both equally. Well okay physics I can at least wrap my head around but how does one do basic multiplication? I’m kidding but I do struggle there. Anyways, that's been todays journal. I've worked myself into a fuss yet again. It’s funny this book is so much more “Acrians rants about his problems” rather than “heres Acrian’s magick problems and his progress” hence I guess why I consider it a journal. Goodnight I’m angry. 3/31/19 11:49 PM Journal 7: “I like my coffee like I like my nights, dark, ominous, and impossible to sleep through” - Cecil Palmer Just gona start off this one with talking about some signs from yesterday then I’ll move on to my dream. I saw “we keep our promises” on a truck yesterday. Read a japanese blog that said “I will make my child a teacher” and I follow a lot of japanese blogs given I am learning such a 25 language and normally entities communicate with me through them. I kept seeing butterflies when I went out. Getting birthday imagery. Claimed to be a skeptic online and vagued about everything falling into place by pure “luck” not the most clever lie but Hi I’m Case responded since we are mutuals. Kept seeing 6, 4, 3, and 11. There was a Cherry blossom tree by my gym and sakura has been on my mind. An entity said “you lied to me” recently and I couldn't figure out about what. My X Friend M##@%#’s name and his alias “Mikey” I use in public to refer to him appeared a couple times. I just had a weird dream. Let me preface this by saying last night an entity told me he was going to give me a vision in my sleep. I told him to do it towards the end of my dream else I wouldn't remember it when I awoke. In the dream I was at the bar. It was the 80s. I had previously just gotten rid of a creepy dude hitting on me and I think he was a king? And got to him to leave. A very attractive dark haired man visited me. He looked like someone from the rock scene. Upon seeing his hair I immediately thought he was Simon. Eventually it became clear within the context of the dream this dark haired man, my Simon was my guardian angel. He opened his mouth and sat down at a booth with me and began talking. His voice was feminine so I left. Which confused me because Simon’s voice was always deep. I justified it within the context of the dream. I headed to a bar and bragged about how I would know the bartender Dolly Parton in the future eventually her image changed entirely and she was a different person completely. I know this is weird but hell it's a dream. Simon re-appears at the end of the bar. He’s mouthing words and moving his hands in gestures kinda like sign language. He mouths the following “I came down to visit you. However when I opened my mouth I was shocked at my voice, no doubt a curse from my father, so now I'm looking in the mirror to satisfy my ego” then he made a gesture and I looked in the mirror at the bar and saw him looking in it and woke up. The purpose of what I assumed in the dream was God or whatever cursed his voice to be like that. But alas I woke up before proper explanation. Upon waking up I can safely say that wasn't Simon. My alter Simon is who I am talking about from my past having D.I.D D.I.D is rather complicated and I'm not going to explain it in much detail since I no longer suffer from it. But it's the real world equivalent of multiple personality disorder and Simon was one of the personalities known as alters. If you don't want to do your own research just consider him my persona or character something I don't know and I don’t care. But yeah waking up I can tell whoever that blue eyed man was (gorges by the way) he wasn't Simon. Simons gone. Guardian angels don't exist. I must have misidentified and the logic of the dream trapped me within its world. I kind of wish I had caught on because if I had I could've had a proper conversation with him whoever it was. The reason I thought it was Simon was the emo haircut. It was exactly what simon as my alter wore in our head. I know D.I.D is weird remember? But now upon waking I realize the dream was set in the 80s at a rock concert show, and it's not weird for people to have that sort of wear in such settings. Also he probably took the form he did because it was pleasing to me. I 26 remember thinking at the bar “I'm not gona say he's ugly. I do find him attractive” before Simon appeared. Overall it was a rather strange dream. I like it when entities visit me in my dreams. I only hate how I’m a dumbass in my dreams. Anyways. Going back to sleep. Night. Just heard a spirit say “lets try this again” with the song “you misidentified” looping in my head. Anyways night. 7:17 AM 4/3/19 Journal 8: “Remember if you see something, say nothing and drink to forget” - Cecil Palmer So I don’t have anything interesting to talk about lately. I’ve been seeing owls a lot online and for a second I thought it was Prince Stolas for some reason who’s a demon often depicted as an owl but it turned out to be Athena. Which makes me think the whole “Athena's egg” dream wasn’t just my mind being weird. I keep having a dreams where I steal something under the circumstance I’m allowed to take it or under the impression it’s okay to take whatever I’m stealing and then end up getting caught finding out I’m not supposed to take it and that I actually stole it and then I’m returning it. I used to steal in real life but that’s another conversation for another day. I have no idea what these dreams mean or are supposed to convey. I also had a mermaid dream as per the course. Athena once visited me in a dream after I messed with her mythology in ways I wasn’t supposed to. She had brown hair which I was not expecting. She used my interests and the communities I was apart of at the time in order to convey the following “they were interfering where they shouldn't have. They thought they were helping. You understand?” or something among those lines it’s hard to describe and it was a long time ago so I don’t remember it well. I’ve had a lot of Gods visit me in dreams. As well as in real life. It’s gotten to the point where if I encounter someone who isn’t human I can tell it is them instantly. Normally I would meet them at the bar but sometimes if they wanted to meet me they would find me whenever they could. I remember talking to a young adult looking African American man. He was very pretty. I was batshit insane at this time. I was spewing nonsense because you know I was insane. He asked me why I didn’t want to live a long life? And I told him some nonsense. I eventually made a “deal” with him or something that if I could have friends I would live a long life. He got up to leave and I asked his name he told me but I can’t remember. It started with an R. Then a little later I went outside on the bench. An old white man with a beard sat next to me. I instantly recognize this man as Odin. He was quite on the nose for what I imagined. It seemed like he was waiting for something sitting next to me. So I started a conversation. 27 I don’t remember what we talked about. I was insane and I don’t remember it well. I had a severe delusion and I explained to him my reasoning per the reason. Even though I was crazy he saw through the crazy and understood what I was trying to say. He shook my hand and said “welcome to the family” and then smiled with a laugh and left. That was not the only time I met him. I remember I was institutionalized for being crazy. There was a woman. I instantly recognized her divinity. She had some sort of weird vibe about him. She was mistreated by the staff and demanded respect. Then she was forced to leave after our conversation which again I cannot remember because she was not crazy enough to stay in the crazy ward. I don’t think that was him. I don’t know who that was. Then later I was with a bunch of people in the hospital. I was shaking everyone's hand and introducing myself cus that was part of my delusion. I remember I had a friend at the hospital. He said to me. “Well, I’m not looking for a daughter, I’m not looking for a wife” and I said something and then we agreed to be friends. I always felt like that man could read my mind. He wasn’t crazy. None of the people I was with were at least not the ones I associated with. They were the ones that tolerated me. He had a beard and I think long hair though I cannot recall. He told me after he shook my hand that “Your never going to recognize me” and I said “that’s fine” and then he left to eat on his own. It seemed like he disappeared from the hospital after that. I know that wasn’t Odin either but it was odd. The man appeared in my dream later on after that and I know he was a God. Why he lived in the hospital to meet me I will never know. But back to Odin. I was in the elevator like I was saying shaking everyone's hand because I was crazy. There was a new “janitor” there that reminded me of him. I shook his hand and he smiled and continued his conversation with the staff manager. I remember my first thought was “maybe it’s odin” and I saw this “janitor” as he was posing take a step back with seeming surprise. When I was reading up on mythology I studied the norse Gods. I gave either Frig or Freya an offering on Friday the thirteenth. I often got them mixed up with each other but never voiced this to anyone. I was at a bar. My partner AJ at the time was going to go as Aphrodite but something compelled them not to do this. It was a “Gods and Goddesses” night. I didn’t want to dress up as anyone. I didn’t want to risk offending anyone. And I had a feeling real Gods might show up. I’ve met a lot of Gods there and didn’t want to piss anyone off. So I go and I’m having a good time. There's a couple and their dressed kind of oddly. Everyone was dressed up as Gods so I thought nothing of it. Everytime I tried to talk to these two they ignored me rather intentionally. Eventually the woman broke down and we had a conversation or maybe she just saw my approaches and decided to humor me. I said I was “Acrians” though I used my real name which I won’t reveal here and she said she was “Frig the real one” her words exactly. I was caught off guard. She said “people get Frig and Freya confused but they’re not the same” paraphrasing there and I had never voiced that to anyone I’d met not even my partner who was there with me. There was no way for her to know since I’d never spoken of this unless she was 28 the real one and given my track record with accidentally meeting deities or accidental on my end I believed her and to this day I still believe it was her. She had tattoos and her hair was braided. I don’t know much about norse mythology. I should probably mention that. I once had a dream where I was running away from the apocalypse, and I was in a forest. There I met a talking black wolf which I asked for directions to a place. I can’t remember. He said in his sly voice “you're going the wrong way” and then I woke up and googled it and it was some sort of norse concept for direction or something. But back to the point. I was at the bar and everybody surrounding me was a deity or something. There was a guy human who was walking around asking who everybody was. He finally came to me and said “who are you” and before I could answer Frig said “she’s human” and I tried to interrupt to clarify something cus I was mad and she repeated “she’s human. Trust me” and the guy smiled and moved on. Frig was really cool. She was fun and nice and I liked her alot. She eventually left. I remember it was another night. Same bar. And I was in the smoking area to meet people as always. A guy sat down and approached me. He had a beard and I had seen him before. I think he worked there. He started asking me a lot of questions. He started naming Gods over and over and over again. Eventually it became clear he was trying to guess which God I was. I’m not a God. I might claim to be within the goetic workings I do but it's really a symbolic thing within that ritual and with those spirits. It’s like how they call you king when you have no kingdom to speak of. I’m not immortal. I’m not a deity. I’m not a God. I remember upon his Quetzalcoatl guess I thought “that doesn’t sound like me” his face changed and he guessed Waygl and described them to me I thought “that sounds more like me” but I’m not Waygl I just related on the gender front. Apparently this satisfied him and the conversation trailed off. I remember I once spoke to a deity. He never told me who he was. He was brief and talked some things and then made a comment about “looking out for life” and I was spooked but then he left. This all took place at this same bar by the way. I’ve had several different entities visit me in my dreams. Once I was looking into Anansi thoroughly because I like him rather a bit. He visited me in my dream along with an entity named “Charon” I know nothing about. Charon was quiet and didn’t talk much. He did ask me about my vest and I made a comment about taking inspiration from Anansi but that was just me being a dumbass in the dream because in reality I just like vests. Eventually I woke up. Divinity has a certain feeling about it. When you dream of a God if it is just a dream it feels like a dream and nothing feels off about it. But if it’s the real thing it will have a sort of vibe about it. Divinity has a vibe. I can’t describe it, it just does. It’s like a non human signature I can't describe it. And the way you tell the real from the fake is that you will feel this signature. They won’t feel human. Eventually you’ll realize it after talking to them enough. Not like they are higher than you but like they have a presence that is not of you. It’s the same sort of presence you get in a synagogue or a church. If you know what I’m talking about you know 29 and if you don’t you don’t. You really have to come across it alot of times or be sensitive to it in order to notice it. I’ve had so many more experiences that I just can’t describe. Some of which I’m not willing to. I’ve never told people this. The only person I opened up on this level to was my X-friend M##@%#. He met a God with me so he knew I wasn’t full of shit. He believed me too much even when I was crazy. But I swear to myself that I will never become that vulnerable and open and close to a person again. He damaged me. Back to the point I can imagine you asking me if since I have a history of schizoaffective disorder and since I have a history of delusions and insanity how I know that this wasn’t that. Because I got better. I’m pretty stable right now. I am coherent. And while I’m sure someone reading this thinks I’m still insane most serious practitioners know I am stable enough to be able to tell. When I was on medicine it was like I was cured and guess what? While I was cured free from anxiety, depression, delusions and ocd? It kept happening. That’s the difference between this and a delusion. Not to mention I can tell if I’m off the rocker. And I wasn’t off the rocker during all of this. Some of it sure, but there's no such thing as coincidence in magick. But it doesn’t matter, nobody believes me and I don’t care if they do. This is my journal and I’ve become quite open and vulnerable just admitting this happened to you. Point is I’ve encountered it plenty of times. I know it’s not normal. I don’t know why it happened. But it did. In my real life I’m still trying to get on testosterone. I’ve been making an effort to eat healthy with entities help but I don’t know how well it’s going. I’m a horrible judge of my own character. Do to my own discoveries I’ve come to the conclusion that Belzebub is not only a storm/rain deity but also a solar one perhaps as well? It’s sort of unclear. Most goetic entities are not Gods. They can’t visit this plain of reality. If they were Gods they still could. However a few of the goetic entities (a reminder i’m using the term for simplification purposes I know the magician is the goet) I can identify as former Gods. He is one of them. In regards to signs I keep seeing bicycles everywhere. I’ve encountered and entity I cannot identify who is trying to be a mother figure to me. I don’t know her. Last time I had an entity do such a thing it ended rather poorly. I once knew an entity I called Erico who claimed to be a Goddess and a teacher and she said she was solar entity and communed with me through my japanese textbook. However she gave up on me fairly angry threatening smite when I chose the left handed path. She just wasn’t interested in working with someone on the left handed path. I find myself missing her at times but I don’t know. So yea. I do consider Belzebub to be a father figure. But it’s just cus he has that vibe. Similar to Lucifer who I will mention I do not work with. Some entities just come across that way. And while it’s fine to see them in that light you need to know what boundaries are and know the difference between the literal, the feeling, and the symbolic. 30 Again I am not actually God or actually a king but those symbols are something I apply to myself and the entries I work with have applied to me in proper contexts do to the power they bestow. I remember passing a sign today that said “testing” and I’m reminded that I am being tested a lot lately. I am unsure of what’s being tested. I have failed some of these tests. I have passed others. Sometimes I am told when I am being tested sometimes I am not. Back to the topics of signs I keep seeing money and thousand dollar imagery. I thought this was Beelzebub because that is something I have seen people associate with him but I am unsure as of this matter. I have an agreement with him regarding my career that I’m not going to discuss to in depth. Entities have specialties. If you work with demons and you want a good grip on getting that dream job he’s who I would recommend for such a task. Especially if you are a musician or rapper but that’s another topic for another day. I think he’s rather wonderful in all regards. I like him quite a bit. He asked me for a task during evocation but I was not able to properly process it. I am okay with doing tasks for spirits. But I’ve made ameatur mistakes before based upon not being able to understand the tasks. So I will only do the task for a spirit if I can properly understand what they are asking as they are asking it. Now all of a sudden I am getting a strong urge to call him so I shall tonight after my family goes to sleep. I’m going to keep my basic set up of three white candles, incense, chalk and a triangle for now. It’s by no means a proper evocation set up however it works and it’s all I have right now. I’ve gotten three newer white virgin candles in order to perform a proper evocation as per instructed by Rob’s Magick Blog. Here's the link I apologize for you having to manually type it. https://robjo.wordpress.com/2013/07/31/method-of-evocation-1-general-method-of-evocation/ From what I understand everything he’s said here seems to check out. From my understanding of magick it should work. I want to experiment with different methods until I can find one that works beyond what I have now. I’ve been told by the entities what I’m doing isn’t proper evocation. It might work but it isn’t a formal or “correct” method. That matters. I just felt Beelzebub’s presence now and I keep getting the vibe he wants me to call him during the day so I’m going to have to make that work. Given I work with other people and keep this for the most part from them. I would quickly become homeless shall they discover my magick. I was just told be Belzebub to wait to call him until the day. That’s fair. But I still have this pull to call him tonight which is rather odd. A lot of people will tell you not to trust demons. Not to give them the time of day. That they are selfish creatures and tricksters at heart. That’s not really true. While you shouldn't go in with blind faith or end up like the idiots who worship them you should have a level of trust there. Be skeptical. Because they will manipulate you into benefiting in some regard. They do have agendas. That’s a thing. While they may help you they will use you to achieve their goals as well. They will change you into what they see as better and if you are not prepared for such a thing don’t work with demons. They aren’t angels. They aren’t Gods. They aren’t going to be fluffy and caring. 31 While they can be kind and they can be cruel they aren’t all the same and they can be alluring do to the dark aspect it shouldn't be ignored the danger that comes from working with them. That being said I trust Belzebub. I want you to know I have a good understanding of why many people would say I shouldn't and why I would say many people wouldn’t like my method of working with these entities the way I do. I’m aware I come across as naive and stupid on these matters. But I have my reasons and hopefully if you're reading this you’ll understand why I have them and the ways of which I have come to them. Anyways Belzebub wants to read my journal so I’m going to go for now goodnight. Journal 9: “All of space and time, everything that ever happened or ever will, where would you like to start?” - The Doctor Signs (a long log of signs from today): saw an amazon truck while riding in the car and a whiskey truck that said “there are no shortcuts” on it. The number 93. I’ve been told I am asleep and not awake. I really need to wake up. I keep seeing wanting “more” referenced and “home” referenced. I continue to see birthday imagery. Been seeing a lot of plane imagery. Been told to go to the dog part. Received this image via memes. This image may seem like a joke, and it is but it’s also the sort of signs I’ve been getting about having to make a choice regarding paths. I don’t think it refers to the left or right handed path. I’ve chosen the left handed path and am happy with that decision. It might refer to spirits and choosing between them but I am unsure. A spirit asked me about choices recently and I’m rather confused on the matter. I keep seeing pregnancy imagery regarding the future in divination and it’s making me rather uncomfortable even in tarot. I use the mermaid tarot by Leaza Robertson. It’s a very kind and 32 understanding deck. I’ve had decks that were just assholes before but this one was nice and that matters to me in divination. I passed a test recently. I was told I passed a test in my head but I assumed it was my mind playing tricks despite hearing it twice. But this was confirmed in the latest japanese lesson I had online where one of the messages translated was “I was praised for the result of the test by the teacher.” So I passed it which is good. I have no idea how I'm being tested but I’m passing and failing accordingly which is good. I’m starting to realize what Belzebub meant for when he asked for control. It should worry me but it doesn’t. I get it. I would never promise it again having learned the meaning. However. I’m not going back on our arrangement or anything it’s just that now I know the meaning of what he asked for I wouldn't do it again. I keep seeing the name Bob everywhere. It’s rather strange and somewhat odd. As well as the name Eric and all of M##@%# my X-friend’s names. The letter G is appearing alot. Evoked Belzebub and he told me butterflies represented change. I keep seeing my dream car everywhere. It’s not a common car. It’s the car I’ve always wanted. It’s a 1967 chevrolet impala. It’s a muscle car and not common at all. I keep seeing it on tv, in my neighborhood and even in video games. An entity told me “congradulations” out of nowhere as I was watching my sisters boyfriends brother play video games. I whispered what about and heard the voice say “you’ll receive some news tonight” only time will tell. I’m starting to notice shit really out of nowhere. Then I realize something like an epiphany about the thing that nobody else would even think and I think and it’s obvious it’s a sign or message for me. For example I looked a police car in a video game and the thought occurred “be careful around cops” and I looked at a blonde woman with sunglasses in the same video game and the thought occurred “you’ll meet someone like her” I just hope I remember. I’m getting these messages for a reason so I’m writing them down do to my faulty memory. I keep noticing five pointed stars lately. I watched a video recommended for me on youtube that said “g stood for good” and that’s something I’m told a lot by an entity when I do something right. I was asked earlier this evening what color car I prefered and I responded “red or black” which is true, and then my mom came home with a replacement car that was a mustang. She was super excited that she “got the best car there” when I went out to see the car it was beautiful and red. It means something. Maybe it’s a gift? I don’t know but its really cool. I heard a voice say “you’ll meet your heroes soon” which is cool cus I have agreement about that, listen while I never will share this journal it is rather personal so I’m not sure I’m going to disclose it just yet. I was told to pay attention to my family. What they say. The entity said there would be hidden messages for me within what they say. I was also told “you shouldn't trust everything you see”. Those are all the signs for now. Let’s talk about an experiment I tried. I was in the bathtub. I decided to try to commune with my higher self through a process I won’t fully discuss here. I started by trying to focus on my higher self and connect with him. I said to myself “Future Acrians if you can time travel give me a sign” I went out of the bathtub at 1:03 and continued to type this up at 1:05 4/5/19. I saw the image of a man within the dirt of the shower but overall I was unsure. I muttered to myself “that isn’t enough”. I picked up a random book from my shelf 33 “the thirst” by Christopher Pike, I turned to two random pages. The pages were “474” and “475” not only was my real name directly mentioned in the book off handedly but a random passage from the book read “I have a feeling tonight is my night” and “Can I get you something stronger” which may seem like I’m pulling at strings. Or grasping at nothing. But remember what I said earlier about feeling when a sign is meant for me? This was that. So it’s constructed in a way where nobody else will pick up on it or be able to recognize it but I would. I realize I sound manic and that I sound rather mad but I continued on with the experiment. I saw a sparkle out of the corner of my eye. This only happens when spirits are in the room. It is now 1:12 AM the tv wasn’t working. I opened up the book and asked for a sign about my future. In this book page 410 came up and all that stood out to me was “the plague of death has been sweeping LA is communicable” which sounds ridiculous so I continued to flip pages again and landed on 556 and that was the end of that. I felt the need to turn on my radio. So I turned on the app Pandora given the application itself despite being a music player is embedded in magick. Everything from it’s branding to its advertisers to it’s name. I heard a voice say “I’ll have one of your favorite artists mention you in the past. It’s already come out. I’ll show you” paraphrasing mostly. Then I picked up my french book and two things popped out. “Is he ready? Yes” was a phrase translated. Then “nobody answered” is also a phrase. Nobody is my alias. It’s my go to when spirits need to be extra covert. I find that I like having multiple aliases and names are super useful but thats another topic for another day. Before you ask, yes I did steal the idea from the odyssey. But regardless per this manic and mad experiment I went on. The first the song “hey rachel” from the band “As it is” played but it wasn’t meant for me. Then “What did I miss” from the musical “Hamilton” played no doubt to relay some sort of message that I couldn't understand. The tv refused to work and I still kept trying to get it to. Several songs about “dreaming” played. A screen came on the television that said because the router had been disconnected downstairs (no doubt from my sister’s boyfriend playing xbox) that my television wouldn't work for that reason. How convenient. I was starting to think that it might just be a normal spirit fuking with me. Overall it was a failed exercise and experiment but rather interesting nevertheless. The purpose of this experiment was rather trying to find ways to commune with my future self. I’ve been studying space and time magick and it was something I was curious about. It appeared on the surface to fail even though I thought it would work. I’m not going to describe the process I went through in the shower. But I chose it for a reason and I had things with me in the shower while I did it and I will leave it there. 4/4/19 34 Journal 10: “This is who I am, right here, right now, all right? All that counts is here and now, and this is me!” - The Doctor I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that I do not have a fascination with time. I do. It’s a strong one. While many people within my culture at this time period will tell you “time travel is a white man’s fantasy” I feel like that discounts other people from other eras and locations of the world besides America. What about one of the many places in Africa? What about matriarchal societies? What about China or Rome? The world doesn’t revolve around America. If done properly with extensive research time travel can be for anybody. So why am I bringing this up in my magickal diary? Because I want to explore changing my life fundamentally. It’s something fascinating to me. I was reading Taylor Ellwoods book today, the book in question is “Space/Time Magic”. He was speaking about a friend of his altering his reality through projecting himself into the past and changing such events and his friend accordingly. This is something I’ve speculated about though not always in a magickal manner since I was a child. In the book he describes how his friend changed himself and lost parts of his identity due to changing the past. This is exciting and enticing and wish fulfilling in so many regards. I want to do it. I’m not going to just jump into it or anything of the sort. I realize it’s rather risky and I must think it through. My first thought was changing getting myself institutionalized. But then I realized if I was to do such an operation I never would have recovered from my initial madness and my timeline would be fucked up for the worst. I then thought back to somehow being able to preserve my relationship with M##@%#. Then I realized I wouldn't have made several songs of the music I had made and wouldn't have gotten over my codependency issues. I thought a safe bet would just be to alter my timeline in ways where I never told my X-friends Crocker and Jane about my delusions at all thus keeping them in my life. This seems rather safe and might be where I start. So here's the original event: my friend Roxy and I went to the amusement park. I was mad from magick at the time and started going on about zombies and a war she didn’t know about then I continued to pick up trash thinking I needed it. So my operation would be to make it as though I never went at all. I would be able to see the effects of the operation within my contact list which she would still be apart of. At least that’s my broken hypothesis. I want to write down everything about me right now. So I know if anything changes in the future. Not just do to my operations with the Goetia but do to fuking with time I’ll know the diffrence. Hi journal. My name is Acrians. Acrians locket. I’m 21. Fat, chubby and transgender. I become shy in regards to my looks and appearance and become almost cocky about the things I’m good at when I am good at them such as my singing voice but overall have no ego to speak of. I hate myself and everything about me. I’m insecure, I’m shy, I’m clingy and I’m needy. The most important thing to me is my friends. I have no friends. But friendship is what I desire most in this life. The closest human being I’ve ever been close to is M##@%#. Who ended our friendship earlier this year without an explanation mainly due to him perceiving me as insane. My friend 35 Kathy got hit by a car a long time ago. It was my fault and I blamed myself endlessly for hours until it drove me to madness. I come off as a bit crazy at times. I’m often incoherent. I do not understand social quess. I am awkward and insecure. I have a bubbly personality. I’m often all over the place and sporadic but in a good way. I mention things off handedly and expect people to know exactly what I am talking about and how I’m talking about it. I have really obscure interests. Such as Homestuck and Doctor Who. Magick is a special interest out of these. I’m really liberal and left leaning but as long as you are not hurting anyone I don’t care if you disagree with my politics and while I am often preachy I try not to force them down your throat or let it affect our friendship overtly. That being said I’m super passionate and pushy as well as poetic about my politics when they arise. I’m super insecure. I have a nice face. I like my face but also I hate it. I like myself a lot until I start worrying about how my friends or peers will see me and then I start to hate everything. Sometimes I jump into a random english accent for no apparent reason. I love medieval England and was born into this life with an obsession on it. I’m very self destructive. I hate everything I do and end up blaming everyone about it when things go wrong. I’m obsessed with magick. I love tattoos and still miss my emo phase. I have anxiety and panic attacks. I’m into alternative rock in every sense of the word and can talk myself out of anything if I believe in it enough. I never really drank or smoked. Outside of the mental ward where it was the only thing available to do and the hospitals gave us free cigarettes so I dabbled then. Even when I went to bars I only drank fancy coffee. I’m super sensitive. I’m a very kind and caring person. I’m terrifying when I am angry. But while easily irritated I’m not often angry. When I do get upset it’s usually over something rather petty and not worth a long grudge. That being said I used to love holding grudges but gave it up as a teenager. That’s probably not enough. But while poorly written I think it describes me fairly well right now. I’ve messed with my timeline before. I haven’t done it yet but I can just tell. I’ve always thought about it even from a young age. I think it’s more than synchroties. I have messed with it. I just know. I can tell. But I don’t know how. Anyways I’m getting distracted so that’s all for now. About to try some television divination. 3:26 PM 4/5/2019 Journal 11: “The secret of success is to be ready when your opportunity comes” - Benjamin Disraeli So for starter, I’m finally “ready” I keep getting message that I’m “ready” but I still have no idea for what that means or what it entails. I feel like I should mention it here because it means *something* but what I do not know. The more I explore online the more irritated and angry I become at the new age community and their portrayal of witchcraft. I got scolded by a blog with less than one year of experience for saying “Goetic entities aren’t tricksters to be commanded” 36 as if they were some aficionado on the subject do to having a mentor with 5+ years. Nevermind that time doesn’t equal experience but that’s another story for another day. While I am not an aficionado on the subject I take much issue with the fact that someone would plaster themselves as an expert if that is their outlook. Especially when they claim to be a knowledgeable source on the matter. But we’re not here to talk about the toxicity that is tumblr. My book arrived today. “The Conjuring Codex” by multiple authors that I had ordered previously. I’m hesitant to open it up not because I’m not willing to read it but because I am currently engulfed in “Space/Time Magic” by “Taylor Ellwood”. I find it interesting his approach. He mentions in the book that he doesn’t advertise his work. He trusts that whoever needs to find it will. I found his work when scurrying to find info on time travel magick. Then I found myself recommending this very book to others on the same endeavor. So while he was right I find it a weird approach. Advertising books is never going to be easy. Especially in an avenue such as magick. If I were ever to publish something such as this journal I don’t think I’d advertise it. But if I was to go about writing a grimoire or other educational matter on magick I’d try to get it into as many hands as possible. I say this seeing as I’m writing a grimoire. Speaking of grimoire I pronounce it (grim-mwah) and my name Acrians is pronounced (Ak-rons) just for future reference. Nothing irritates me more than mispronunciation. I was told by an entity I work with that my journal was going to be read. I assumed he meant by other people. This is something I have foreseen in some regards. I can’t imagine why though. I want to be a celebrity. I’m not going to hide this. It was one of the appeals that finally pushed me into magick. Though one could easily argue that I always had that sort of draw I just needed a proper desire to justify it. That same desire ie, fame pushed me into the occult specifically where I work today. Now I’m going to go on a proper tangent for a moment before I come back to the original topic. On the topic of fame I was talking to my future self recently. Let me explain. So I’ve always been curious about time travel as covered earlier. What many people fail to realize is that it is perfectly tangible through the avenues of magick. At least in some regards. I’m not going to go into specifically how. But time is not linear. It’s not a painted line where you can go from point A to point B. It’s more like a puddle of ink that you’re constantly drudging through. So what’s stopping you from going back to a deeper part of the pool? Besides the ability to hold your breath of course. But now this metaphor is escaping me. So I was reading Taylor Ellwoods book. One exercise he suggests is sending an email to yourself using the website www.futureme.org. It allows you to send an email from now scheduled several years in the future. This intrigued me. I have this tendency to read work books and grimoires and never bother to perform their operations. The thought that I did this occured to me so instead of performing the operation as instructed I simply took the website and wrote a letter to my future self asking him questions and telling him about me right now. Still wasn’t the operation but it was close enough. 37 Pretty soon as I was doing this I felt a presence in the room. A masculine energy which I currently don’t possess. Everytime I wrote a question I heard or “felt” an answer. Then I asked the name and he told me it was me. I was talking to my future self and something about his energy didn’t seem to lie. I asked several questions about where I’d be and how things would go. He didn’t always give me the proper answer but he gave me most. I asked if I would be a pop star or famous. The answer I received was “Depends on your definition of fame. I’m pretty well known if that’s what your asking.” and that’s why I bring this up. I asked his gender and got mixed messages so I asked to hear his voice and I felt it to be very deep. It was kinda shocking in a lot of ways seeing as much as and as hard as I try right now I just can’t seem to get on testosterone their so many blockages in my path. Some of which might even be supernatural. So the fact that his voice or my voice was deep was surprising. I asked if he still did space/time magick. He told me he was “done with it for now”. So I responded in the said email that he should continue it and pick up the book we own. I tried my best to encourage him. He didn’t feel like me in a lot of ways but at the same time he felt like me in more ways than I could imagine. He was changed. No doubt from magickal operations but changed nevertheless. He was just different. Like this was me but it also wasn’t who I am right now. It was very strange. I ended the email and said goodbye but it such an odd and invigorating experience that I just can’t explain. I keep saying that but I don’t know how else to properly put it. My hypothesis is that I sent my presence back in time to when I was asking the questions. It’s a thing brought up in the book alot. So worst case scenario I forget about the email and then I answer it all these years later, read over the book and do as the book instructed. But in a lot of ways I could be guessing here and getting ahead of myself. Point is I know I will be famous. That’s what I wanted to express. Fame pushed me into magick, and I have reassurance that it will happen and my efforts will pay off even if that isn’t the pure end goal anymore. Outside my future self I have many verifications on this. So why do I bring this up at all? Because if I become a celebrity in my year 2019 or further beyond and especially because I know I will keep up my skeptical facadiacal lies of being an atheist in the public eye. Would it then not be possible if as the spirit assured me that people read my presumably published diary that they then track me down and discover my magickal intent? Surely there's enough information in this book to track down who I am. My gender, my status, my career, my friend's names and my siblings who I take inspiration from, hell even the quotes themselves that start off each log of a journal entry. It wouldn't be very hard as this journal is right now without revision or audits to tell who I am given you have the proper drive. I want to be clear. I don’t care if people know I do magick. Magick in my society is super austorcized. It’s critically hated. But I don’t understand a lot of social conventions or why they exist at all. I just wasn’t born with an understanding of certain societal rules or taboos or why they are to be adhered to. I’m autistic and why that is the physical and practical explanation I often wonder. So no. I do not care if people know I am a magician or an occultist or even if it became public knowledge that I was working with demons. What I do care about is the entities I 38 work with. Who have instructed me over and over and over again that I can’t let people know I work with them. The entities I work with have plans for me and I honestly believe while self motivated do have my best interests at heart. Atleast to a proper degree more so than most occultists would credit them as having. They may be selfish in nature, but so are humans. Doesn’t mean they don’t want to help me or humanity out. They do what they think is best for you even if they do it in a way that benefits themselves greatly. That’s what my experience has been. I’m not going to say that the goetia is a book of roses and daffodils. That it is something to play with or trust blindly. If you don’t know what your doing it shouldn't be touched at all. However I am unconventional in my methods. While in-experienced in some regards I’m well versed enough and more than I show anyone especially this journal, to know what not to do. To know why it's not to be done. If the enetites I’m working with ask me as a curtisdy for their own ambitions not to tell a soul than I shan’t. They haven’t given me a reason not to. Has every experience with the goetia aka the keys of solomon (because you know I use the wrong terminology for simplicity's sake) for myself been a good one? Hell no. But I have good relationships with who I work with and I don’t want that to change. I trust them and they do look out for me to an extent so if they say it’s necessary to be quite about this then I will be quite about this. So clearly you can see that it getting out would not be good yes? Again I don’t care. But they do. So I constructed the elaborate ruse of being an atheist and a skeptic. The most odd thing about my future self and me interacting was that he said some of his musician friends knew what he did. I asked if they did rituals together and he told me they hadn’t or at least that was the closest I could understand to his implication. But he had musical friends who knew of this. Rather strange indeed. He also told me he had a lover which was nice. I have no friends or partner to speak of as of the moment so that’s important to me. Anyways I have just a few more things to mention before I leave because this journal is taking a toll on me energy wise. First is that I find myself disgusted and upset at addiction and cigarettes. That’s never been a thing before. I live with my sister, my mother and my sisters boyfriend who is really rather addicted to cigarettes and has even admitted an addiction to marijuana despite it supposedly not being an addictive substance. Previously this had never been an issue with me. I never saw a problem with his constant smoking. Now I find it upsetting and revolting to a degree. I don’t care that it’s marijuana or smoking. I care that he’s dependent upon on a substance. I have a strong inclination that this is Beelzebub’s influence on me since everywhere I read up on him it says he has strong hatred towards these things. I don’t think he’s actively making me the same way I just think it’s apart of working with him. If you work with an entity long enough you might find that you become like them in some respects. That’s just how this works. You work with a lying entity for a while you 39 might find yourself deceitful. You find yourself working with an entity who hates liars you might find yourself becoming rather honest. This is that sort of concept. He hates addiction. Not only in this time have I dropped my dependence on caffeine and flavoured beverages but I have also gotten a strong distaste for addiction in general. I won’t know unless I ask him though. This is just a hypothesis. Lately I’ve been getting messages from the Duke Aim. Along with a marriage proposal from him. I’m not interested and have turned him down. I’m just trying to work with Beelzebub as instructed right now. He’s my focus point. I really want to work with all these other entities but right now that’s not what I’m doing and I will wait if I’m ever to do so again because I’m patient and I keep my promises even if I am late on the delivery. I’ve started my own Grimoire. Right now the working title is called “How to sell your soul and other nifty things, a beginners guide to black magick” it’s an intentionally misleading title meant to draw in possible future magicians who are already misguided in their attempts. I’ve seen it. People who think magick is a shortcut when starting out. Who think you can magickally “sell your soul” and then get everything you’ve ever desired in a few days will happen for you with little to no effort. The title is meant to lure in that crowd. Then it sets them straight within the first few pages and hopefully if it works on getting them on the right path to actual magick and proper practices. Even spirit work and the goetia which I specialize in. It’s the real life equivalent of click bait. Which is when a news article or a video trailer will have a misleading title that catches your eye to make you consume the concept despite not portaying it properly. Or portraying it only somewhat. Is it deceitful? Yes. Is it necessary? No. Does it work? Given my self made experience in marketing? Very much so. I know what your thinking. “Acrians your not skilled enough to teach anybody anything!” and you’re right in some regards and wrong in others. I may not be able to school a critically acclaimed occultist but I understand the basics of most of the magick I do and I can easily guide and educate a newbie on where to start. Especially if they have no previous occult experience and don’t know how magick works. I’m not as stupid as I appear and I know enough. Plus that’s not even bothering to take into account that by the time the book is finished I will know enough to school an acclaimed occultist. At Least that’s the plan anyways. I’m doing all of this anonymously. I took my magick name “Acrians” and added the last name “Locket” referring to a hearty lyric in one of my earlier songs in my music to create my pen name “Acrians Locket” I promise you no other human being on this planet has the name Acrians. It is mine and mine alone. If you ever meet someone who claims it’s them it’s either me or a liar in disguise. Ask them about their music career. That was a joke. I’m not very funny. I suppose many years down the line someone might take inspiration from me and steal my name but if you are one of these people don’t do so until I’m dead. So yes that’s all for today. One last thing. Since I am very tired. My future self said he knew several languages. I doubt I could manage this in three years. Despite the fact that I have a gift 40
Enter the password to open this PDF file:
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-