The Warrah Falkland Islands Warrah House, Stanley, Falkland Islands - ThewarrahFI@gmail.com - Published as required TSUNAMI DISASTER “NARROWLY AVOIDED” A devastating tsunami could have hit the Islands last Thursday night after an earthquake struck just 250 miles to the south-west of Stanley. The tremor, as reported by the United States Geological Sur- vey (USGS), measured 4.7 on the Richter Scale and had the poten- tial to have been felt up to 500 miles from its epicentre. The Richter Scale works on a logarithmic basis which means the disturbance was approximate- ly 10,000 times less powerful than that experienced in Chile in 2010 which had a magnitude of 8.8. The reason the Falkland Islands does not suffer from such natural disasters is that we do not live in an area of geological fault lines. Our closest is the border with the Scotia Plate which means we will not be subject to any massive disruption, ever. However, consternation was ap- parent when some Stanley resi- dents were awoken from “a light sleep”. Most slept through the phenomenon and were none the wiser in the morning. Rumours spread like wild- fire, and the old warning that the Islands could be overcome by a massive destructive wave were soon dismissed by a USGS spokesman. “If the Islands were in the Pacific rim, and the tremor had been about a thousand times stronger, there may be an issue, but as it is, you’ll get about the same damage here as they do in Nottingham.” he explained. To add to the nonsense, our geological expert produced a frightening depiction of what Stanley could look like if we did move the Islands to another part of the World. “Keep calm and carry on” is our candid advice. IN SATVRA EST VERITAS Price £0:00 Issue 3 Recycle Bins Take Unplanned Trips After the strong winds on Saturday, Stanley woke on Sunday Morning to scores of the new environmentally- friendly bins strewn across roads and gardens. The ina- bility to secure one, let alone two, wheelie-bins meant that the place looked like “Baghdad in 2006” stated local eco-sceptic John Livingood. “Thank god they weren’t full of tins”, he contin- ued, and explained that if they had been there would have been an ecological calamity with cans blowing all over the place. “It’s a disaster waiting to happen” added his partner Jayne. “If we ever do take this seriously and the bins had been full, we’d have been clearing up for weeks!” she added. As an irate crowd formed, the consensus agreed that the bins looked awful and made us look like a bad- ly maintained Hull Council Estate. Mrs Trellis chipped in, “The odd can rattling down the road was OK, but these bins, like dead robots from a post-apocalyptic movie, do nothing to enhance the look of the place.” Single Constituency Campaigners Out and About Single Constituency campaigners were out in force on Sunday. Those that want Stanley to con- trol finances, policy and every- thing else, held a vocal rally out- side the Cathedral. When questioned about the “dubious” figures on the side of their bus, they replied that “if it’s good enough for the Boris Johnson, it’s good enough for us!” “Heap of the Week” Competition. See Inside for details. Your Letters Email: thewarrahFI@gmail.com Women Doctors! I’m pleased that Dr Greene has now left and been re- placed. I went to see her with quite a serious and personal problem recently. She seemed out of her depth and all she could talk about was knitting patterns, baking and babies. Perhaps now we have a man doctor, I might be able to get a proper diagnosis. Sean Allman Stanley “Slow” Internet The wind-farm must have been struggling last Saturday during those windy condi- tions. My lights were fluctu- ating between dim and bright for quite a while. At some point, just after my recycle bin went for a trip down the road, the power must have dropped below that needed to power my Wi-Fi router and it tripped off-line. I was trying to down- load a large file at the time and the funny thing is, it took me two hours to realise that the internet was a little bit slower than normal. I can’t even blame it for being the end of the month and every- one trying to use up their allowance at the same time. What we have to put up with eh? Rob Jenkins Stanley Bad Advice This morning, the weather forecast on Radio 4’s Today programme advised listeners not to leave home without wearing a cardigan and car- rying an umbrella. My husband, who works on a building site at Sapper’s Hill did as advised and his workmates haven’t stopped taking the piss since! Gale Phorse Stanley Never Criticise Never criticise any one “until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” That way they won’t hear you when you do! By email Stanley The Warrah The single constituency is raising its head again and will soon be the subject of a national referendum. Do turkeys vote for Christmas...no, of course not! So who in Camp, in their right mind, is going to vote for a system which may result in no one from outside Stanley representing their interests? For the system to change, a 2/3 majority in both constitu- encies will be required. Not a problem in Stanley, but away from the metropolis not a snowball’s chance in hell. It’s going to end in the Status Quo, so, why are we bothering? What a waste of money! But as long as someone can say in the future that it was decided by the people, then we all should accept the decision without criticism. At least it will be an informed vote, with unbiased word- ing in the question asked. Looking at some of the condemna- tion of recent FIG surveys on-line recently, the same can not be said. Edward Hegarty once suggested “if you don’t want to hear the wrong answer, don’t ask the question that will give you it.” Thank you, We would like to thank our friends at the Penguin News for giving us a plug last week. I am pleased that we managed to amuse you a couple of times. By the way, we give you free advertising every week. Interesting that you concluded with the same diatribe, albeit from a different mouthpiece, about anonymity as was posted on FB. We would have answered you there, but unfor- tunately were neutralised five minutes after the criticism. A hard stare in the chandlery does not equate to “danger to life” and you’re getting paid for what you do. We on the other hand have managed to upset, friends, family, knowns, known unknowns and unknown unknowns. That makes us about a popular as a Filipino Trans, so if you don’t mind, we’ll remain anonymous. Perhaps now, we can bury the hatchet, but please, not in my back. Advertising, Come on...really? Some of you have emailed us asking for advertising space. Are you serious? Listen, we are more than happy to put your advert in our rag, but can’t charge you for the privilege. If you insist though, we will include it for free and trust you to donate £10 to either the Stephen Jaffray Me- morial Fund or SAMA 82. Hamsters Outraged Following a recent post on Facebook, hamsters all over the Islands have reacted angrily to suggestions they were involved in a deprived sexual act with 80’s heart- throb Richard Gere. “We’re always get- ting tarred with this brush” explained rodent representa- tive “Cheeks”, and contin- ued that “even though these rumours are incorrect, shit sticks!” The alleged incident reportedly involved Gerbils which although part of the genus Taxlink are not like their short-tailed Eurasion cousin but similar to the Jerboa which appear on the 8 th Army insignia. Ironicaly they are confusingly known as The Desert Rats. “I know it’s perplexing, but please don’t mix us up. We’re not interested in Felch- ing. All we want to do is to stuff our cute pouches with peanuts and eat our babies.” He protested. “Cheeks” Yesterday Q Why are so many peo- ple on Facebook joining the FI groups and asking how they can move to the Is- lands? A Answer provided by Chief Immigration Officer, John Lettammin. Well it could be so they can experience our wonderful weather, wildlife, internet or take advantage of our toler- ant population. I am however, a little sceptical of this. If you look at where those posting the question are from, it is usual- ly from the areas of the world where we are doing better than them at the mo- ment. So just maybe, it could be our Covid-19 free envi- ronment, free healthcare, pharmacy, dental treatment and the chance to earn a Brit- ish passport eventually. Perhaps I shouldn’t be so negative, but I think we should tell them to wait until after a Corona virus vaccine has been found and contact them to ask if they are still interested then. Q Why do some people drive around with “Fire- fighter on Call” displayed in their vehicles? A Answer provided by Lo- cal Psychiatrist Edmund Fruad. We all know who are the retained firemen so there is no need to identify them- selves. I can not recall a sce- nario where anyone has ever had their car blocked in a car -park so it can’t be that ei- ther. The only thing I can put it down to is a “cry for recog- nition” stimulated from a troubled childhood perhaps. Q How many tins have been collected so far? A Answer provided by envi- ronmentalist Tris Greene. The only data we have is for Jun/Jul when 30m 3 was col- lected. That equates to about 2.4 tonnes of scrap metal; about the same as a Land Rover. At current UK prices, once the cans get there, they should be able to realise ap- proximately £1125. Well done to all those involved. Q Why is so much milk on offer at the moment? A Answer provided by Stanley Retailers’ spokesper- son, Frank Cellittous. If you remember back in April, the shelves were stripped of milk because of the impending lock-down. We were criticised at the time for not having enough milk available so ordered extra to keep the Islands go- ing. We have since discov- ered that there never was a shortage, but that those self- ish bastards who raped the stores of all the milk are now not buying it because they have to use up the 200 litres they have stored in their gar- ages and utility rooms. “Heap of the Week” Stanley is known for its fine range of traditional scrap on display; those monuments to a bygone age of engineering that typify the charm and appearance of the town. So to recognise those that add so much value to the town’s varied heritage, we’re looking for those vehicles that add that little “je ne sais quoi” to our wonderful Islands. In recognition of the magnifi- cent effort we know all contributors will make, we’re giving away a year’s subscription to the Warrah to those that portray the very best on offer. So come on and email us your best scrap photo. It needn’t be your own testament to ferrous im- mortality, but maybe something that annoys you every time you drive past it, or is on your journey to work each day. Ei- ther way send them in. You need to be in it to win it! Kelper’s Tips Helpful ideas from wisened and frugal Islanders PREVENT workplace inju- ries by not lifting heavy weights. Let some other twat get it instead. CONVERT your sofa into a sofa-bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday. TWO-FOR-ONE Even if supermarkets are not offering 2-for-1 deals, I find that you can still get them by placing one item in your trolley and the other in your coat pocket. SAVE 2/3 ON FUEL . Get a vehicle which runs on Diesel instead of the more expensive Petrol. (Unleaded or Leaded). IGNORE all these hygiene rules. I ran a food outlet for many years and never washed my hands after going to the toilet. No one ever com- plained. UNIFORMS. Save a fortune on official government cloth- ing by buying all female po- lice and nurse’s uniforms from Anne Summers. Free Map Sometimes you need something to fill an oddly shaped space in the news- paper. Fortunately the country of Chile is perfect on this occasion. MISSING (“PRISCILLA”). Beloved pet goose. Disappeared on Monday in Victory Green area. If spotted please call 25991. HAD TO WALK 500 MILES? Were you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Con- tact the “Pro Claimers” at Regal Legal Eagles LLB on 29886. We’re waiting for your call. WANTED . Second-hand female bicycle saddles. The older the better. Good money paid for right seats. Creepy-Joe on 59343. MORAL DECENCY . Lost in Police Sta- tion in 1982. If found please return to Ma- jor Patricio Dowling, c/o Embassy of Ire- land, BA. or call +54 11 48085700. (Local rates apply). No Reward BOWLS PLAYERS Ever wanted to play? Want a free trip to Leamington Spa in 2022. Must reside outside the Islands. Contact chairman of the FIBC at Stanley Bowling Green. VOODOO DOLLS Hand-made knitted dolls suitable for the ancient Haitian ritual. Pins can be provided. Margaret on 59668 or available at the Chandlery. BABYSITTER . Off out for the first time in ages? Trouble getting the kids off to sleep. Want to leave them but they’re playing up? No problem. Let me take the strain. Reasonable rates. Freddie Crewgar on 29666 or via REM. Fully qualified. GERBILS . All sizes available. Come with free cardboard tube and pet shampoo. Todd Willfit on 59334. WANTED . Large books to throw at three Kiwi twats. Please deliver to Judge Judy at Stanley Courts. FREE . 20 Wheelie-bins. Ended up in my garden on Sunday morning. Free or they will be taken to tip. Collect east –end of town. 58751.