The Warrah Falkland Islands Warrah House, Stanley, Falkland Islands - ThewarrahFI@gmail.com - Published as required IN SATVRA EST VERITAS Price £0:00 Issue 3 TSUNAMI DISASTER “NARROWLY AVOIDED” A devastating tsunami could However, consternation was ap- have hit the Islands last Thursday parent when some Stanley resi- night after an earthquake struck dents were awoken from “a light “Heap of the Week” just 250 miles to the south-west of Stanley. sleep”. Most slept through the phenomenon and were none the The tremor, as reported by wiser in the morning. Competition. the United States Geological Sur- vey (USGS), measured 4.7 on the Rumours spread like wild- fire, and the old warning that the Richter Scale and had the poten- Islands could be overcome by a tial to have been felt up to 500 massive destructive wave were See Inside for details. miles from its epicentre. soon dismissed by a USGS The Richter Scale works on spokesman. “If the Islands were a logarithmic basis which means in the Pacific rim, and the tremor the disturbance was approximate- had been about a thousand times ly 10,000 times less powerful stronger, there may be an issue, than that experienced in Chile in but as it is, you’ll get about the Recycle Bins Take Unplanned Trips 2010 which had a magnitude of same damage here as they do in Nottingham.” he explained. 8.8. After the strong winds on Saturday, Stanley woke on The reason the Falkland To add to the nonsense, Sunday Morning to scores of the new environmentally- Islands does not suffer from such our geological expert produced a friendly bins strewn across roads and gardens. The ina- natural disasters is that we do not frightening depiction of what bility to secure one, let alone two, wheelie-bins meant live in an area of geological fault Stanley could look like if we did lines. Our closest is the border move the Islands to another part that the place looked like “Baghdad in 2006” stated with the Scotia Plate which of the World. “Keep calm and local eco-sceptic John Livingood. means we will not be subject to carry on” is our candid advice. “Thank god they weren’t full of tins”, he contin- any massive disruption, ever. ued, and explained that if they had been there would have been an ecological calamity with cans blowing all over the place. “It’s a disaster waiting to happen” added his partner Jayne. “If we ever do take this seriously and the bins had been full, we’d have been clearing up for weeks!” she added. As an irate crowd formed, the consensus agreed that the bins looked awful and made us look like a bad- ly maintained Hull Council Estate. Mrs Trellis chipped in, “The odd can rattling down the road was OK, but these bins, like dead robots from a post-apocalyptic movie, do nothing to enhance the look of the place.” Single Constituency Campaigners Out and About Single Constituency campaigners were out in force on Sunday. Those that want Stanley to con- trol finances, policy and every- thing else, held a vocal rally out- side the Cathedral. When questioned about the “dubious” figures on the side of their bus, they replied that “if it’s good enough for the Boris Johnson, it’s good enough for us!” The Warrah Hamsters Outraged The single constituency is raising its head again and will soon Following a recent post on they are confusingly known as be the subject of a national referendum. Do turkeys vote for Facebook, hamsters all over The Desert Rats. Christmas...no, of course not! So who in Camp, in their right the Islands have reacted “I know it’s perplexing, mind, is going to vote for a system which may result in no one angrily to suggestions they but please don’t mix us up. from outside Stanley representing their interests? were involved in a deprived We’re not interested in Felch- For the system to change, a 2/3 majority in both constitu- sexual act with 80’s heart- ing. All we want to do is to encies will be required. Not a problem in Stanley, but away throb Richard Gere. stuff our cute pouches with from the metropolis not a snowball’s chance in hell. It’s going “We’re always get- to end in the Status Quo, so, why are we bothering? What a ting tarred with this brush” peanuts and eat our babies.” waste of money! But as long as someone can say in the future explained rodent representa- He protested. that it was decided by the people, then we all should accept the tive “Cheeks”, and contin- decision without criticism. ued that “even though these At least it will be an informed vote, with unbiased word- rumours are incorrect, shit ing in the question asked. Looking at some of the condemna- sticks!” tion of recent FIG surveys on-line recently, the same can not The alleged incident be said. Edward Hegarty once suggested “if you don’t want to reportedly involved Gerbils hear the wrong answer, don’t ask the question that will give which although part of the you it.” genus Taxlink are not like Thank you, their short-tailed Eurasion cousin but similar to the We would like to thank our friends at the Penguin News for Jerboa which appear on the giving us a plug last week. I am pleased that we managed to 8th Army insignia. Ironicaly “Cheeks” Yesterday amuse you a couple of times. By the way, we give you free advertising every week. Interesting that you concluded with the same diatribe, albeit from a different mouthpiece, about anonymity as was posted on FB. We would have answered you there, but unfor- Your Letters tunately were neutralised five minutes after the criticism. A hard stare in the chandlery does not equate to “danger Email: thewarrahFI@gmail.com to life” and you’re getting paid for what you do. We on the other hand have managed to upset, friends, family, knowns, known unknowns and unknown unknowns. That makes us Women Doctors! the internet was a little bit about a popular as a Filipino Trans, so if you don’t mind, we’ll slower than normal. I can’t remain anonymous. I’m pleased that Dr Greene has now left and been re- even blame it for being the Perhaps now, we can bury the hatchet, but please, not in placed. I went to see her with end of the month and every- my back. quite a serious and personal one trying to use up their problem recently. She allowance at the same time. Advertising, seemed out of her depth and What we have to put up with all she could talk about was eh? Come on...really? Some of you have emailed us asking for knitting patterns, baking and Rob Jenkins advertising space. Are you serious? Listen, we are more than babies. Stanley happy to put your advert in our rag, but can’t charge you for Perhaps now we have the privilege. If you insist though, we will include it for free a man doctor, I might be able Bad Advice and trust you to donate £10 to either the Stephen Jaffray Me- to get a proper diagnosis. morial Fund or SAMA 82. Sean Allman This morning, the weather Stanley forecast on Radio 4’s Today programme advised listeners “Slow” Internet not to leave home without wearing a cardigan and car- The wind-farm must have rying an umbrella. been struggling last Saturday My husband, who works during those windy condi- on a building site at Sapper’s tions. Hill did as advised and his My lights were fluctu- workmates haven’t stopped ating between dim and bright taking the piss since! for quite a while. At some Gale Phorse point, just after my recycle Stanley bin went for a trip down the road, the power must have dropped below that needed to Never Criticise power my Wi-Fi router and it Never criticise any one “until tripped off-line. you’ve walked a mile in their I was trying to down- shoes.” That way they won’t load a large file at the time hear you when you do! and the funny thing is, it took By email me two hours to realise that Stanley “Heap of the Week” Kelper’s Tips Free Map Stanley is known for its fine range of traditional scrap on Helpful ideas from wisened and Sometimes you need frugal Islanders something to fill an oddly display; those monuments to a bygone age of engineering that typify the charm and appearance of the town. So to recognise shaped space in the news- those that add so much value to the town’s varied heritage, PREVENT workplace inju- paper. Fortunately the we’re looking for those vehicles that add that little “je ne sais ries by not lifting heavy country of Chile is perfect quoi” to our wonderful Islands. In recognition of the magnifi- weights. Let some other twat on this occasion. cent effort we know all contributors will make, we’re giving get it instead. away a year’s subscription to the Warrah to those that portray CONVERT your sofa into a the very best on offer. So come on and email us your best scrap photo. It needn’t be your own testament to ferrous im- sofa-bed by simply forgetting mortality, but maybe something that annoys you every time your wife’s birthday. you drive past it, or is on your journey to work each day. Ei- TWO-FOR-ONE. Even if ther way send them in. You need to be in it to win it! supermarkets are not offering 2-for-1 deals, I find that you can still get them by placing one item in your trolley and the other in your coat pocket. SAVE 2/3 ON FUEL. Get a vehicle which runs on Diesel instead of the more expensive Petrol. (Unleaded or Leaded). IGNORE all these hygiene rules. I ran a food outlet for many years and never washed my hands after going to the toilet. No one ever com- plained. UNIFORMS. Save a fortune on official government cloth- ing by buying all female po- lice and nurse’s uniforms from Anne Summers. Q Why are so many peo- pharmacy, dental treatment had their car blocked in a car -park so it can’t be that ei- Q Why is so much milk ple on Facebook joining the and the chance to earn a Brit- on offer at the moment? FI groups and asking how ish passport eventually. ther. The only thing I can put they can move to the Is- lands? Perhaps I shouldn’t be so negative, but I think we it down to is a “cry for recog- A Answer provided by should tell them to wait until nition” stimulated from a Stanley Retailers’ spokesper- son, Frank Cellittous. A Answer provided by after a Corona virus vaccine has been found and contact troubled childhood perhaps. Chief Immigration Officer, If you remember back in John Lettammin. them to ask if they are still interested then. Q How many tins have April, the shelves were stripped of milk because of been collected so far? Well it could be so they can the impending lock-down. experience our wonderful Q Why do some people A Answer provided by envi- We were criticised at the time for not having enough weather, wildlife, internet or drive around with “Fire- ronmentalist Tris Greene. take advantage of our toler- milk available so ordered fighter on Call” displayed ant population. in their vehicles? The only data we have is for extra to keep the Islands go- I am however, a little Jun/Jul when 30m3 was col- ing. We have since discov- sceptical of this. If you look at where those posting the A Answer provided by Lo- lected. That equates to about 2.4 tonnes of scrap metal; ered that there never was a cal Psychiatrist Edmund about the same as a Land shortage, but that those self- question are from, it is usual- Fruad. Rover. ish bastards who raped the ly from the areas of the world where we are doing We all know who are the At current UK prices, stores of all the milk are now better than them at the mo- retained firemen so there is once the cans get there, they not buying it because they ment. So just maybe, it could no need to identify them- should be able to realise ap- have to use up the 200 litres be our Covid-19 free envi- selves. I can not recall a sce- proximately £1125. Well they have stored in their gar- ronment, free healthcare, nario where anyone has ever done to all those involved. ages and utility rooms. BABYSITTER. Off out for the first time in ages? Trouble getting the kids off to sleep. Want to leave them but they’re playing up? No problem. Let me take the strain. Reasonable rates. Freddie Crewgar on 29666 or via REM. Fully qualified. GERBILS. All sizes available. Come MISSING (“PRISCILLA”). Beloved WANTED. Second-hand female bicycle with free cardboard tube and pet pet goose. Disappeared on Monday in saddles. The older the better. Good money shampoo. Todd Willfit on 59334. Victory Green area. If spotted please call paid for right seats. Creepy-Joe on 59343. 25991. WANTED. Large books to throw at MORAL DECENCY. Lost in Police Sta- three Kiwi twats. Please deliver to tion in 1982. If found please return to Ma- Judge Judy at Stanley Courts. jor Patricio Dowling, c/o Embassy of Ire- land, BA. or call +54 11 48085700. (Local rates apply). No Reward BOWLS PLAYERS. Ever wanted to play? Want a free trip to Leamington Spa in 2022. Must reside outside the Islands. Contact chairman of the FIBC at Stanley HAD TO WALK 500 MILES? Were Bowling Green. you advised to walk 500 more? You could be entitled to compensation. Con- VOODOO DOLLS. Hand-made knitted FREE. 20 Wheelie-bins. Ended up in tact the “Pro Claimers” at Regal Legal dolls suitable for the ancient Haitian ritual. my garden on Sunday morning. Free Eagles LLB on 29886. We’re waiting Pins can be provided. Margaret on 59668 or they will be taken to tip. Collect for your call. or available at the Chandlery. east –end of town. 58751.