Conversational Flow At times you’ll be talking to someone, and it will just feel like the most perfect match of ping pong. Back and forth naturally, and easily, your underhand matched by their overhand. Without worrying too much about the next thing that you’re going to say. You feel comfortable, and at ease, and you enjoy yourself, and don’t overthink things too much. This could be referred to as a state of “flow” and is often marked by a sense of enjoyment and ease in your conversations, things don’t see m too difficult or strained, and come relatively naturally. How do you achieve a flow state like this when you’re speaking? Be More Present for Conversational Flow To begin to achieve a flow state in any of your conversations, you can start by being prese nt, and fully in the moment. This can actually be more difficult than it seems at first. Often when we speak with people, we’re thinking about the next thing that we’re going to say. Worry about the next thing that you’re going to say less. Each time you find your mind wandering, bring it back, and focus completely on their words. Don’t think about the past or the future. Make sure that your eyes aren’t constantly flitting around the room, looking for someone else to talk to. Breathing can also help you t o be more present in a conversation. Breathing is a tool often in meditation to bring us back to the present moment, and it can be helpful in a conversation as well. Not trying to multitask is also a part of this. When you’re speaking with somebody, don’t go back and forth between talking to them and looking at your phone. Keep your phone down. It’s respectful, they’ll be thankful for it, and it will help you focus more fully on the conversation at hand. It can be difficult, but also try not to worry too m uch about other things. Don’t worry about what your boss said to you at work that morning, or that your spouse was angry at you for not doing the dishes. This can all be easier said than done of course, but do try your best. Care About them and be Sincer e Conversations tend to flow much more if we care about the person that we are talking to. If you really don’t care at all about the person you are talking to, and you have no interest in them at all at a human level, the conversation is probably going to drag a little bit. This doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to care about them as if you are madly in love with them or something, but care about them as another human being. Take an interest in them and their life and their interests. Part of caring a bout the person that you are talking to is developing empathy and compassion. Sometimes we don’t always connect with a certain person right away. We might even not particularly like them, or think that they’re boring, or just feel a lack of connection towa rds them. In these circumstances, try to remain as open minded as possible. Remember that they’re another person who probably seen their share of struggles in their lifetime, that they have joys and sorrows, fears and aspirations just like you do. Sinceri ty is also important for maintaining conversational flow. It’s not so much that you’re constantly trying to think about how you can be sincere, as that would itself probably distract from conversational flow, but it’s more about not being insincere. Just d on’t be insincere with people, as it will disrupt the flow of the conversation. They’ll often be able to sense your insincerity, and they’ll feel less comfortable around you. Listening and Conversation Flow Listening is extremely important for maintainin g the flow of a conversation. Listening is also related to being present in a conversation, the more you are able to focus on listening to the other person, generally the more present you are. If you are really absorbed in listening, and actually listening to what the other person is saying, than you can’t be planning what you are going to say next at the same time. Definitely don’t plan out what you are going to say next the entire time they are talking, that is the opposite of listening. While you are li stening, it will also help you to get a much better idea of what the conversation is about, and where it’s going. If you aren’t really listening, or are only half listening, sometimes that can quite throw the conversation off as you’ll have no idea what it ’s actually about, and your responses will be stilted, or out of place. Let the other person finish their thoughts, and don’t make constant interjections before they have finished speaking, that is something that really tends to kill flow. When we have som ething that we’re excited to say, this can be difficult sometimes, but do try to contain yourself, and always let the other person finish speaking, and fully conclude their thoughts, this is an important component of listening. When you listen, the person that you are speaking with will generally feel more comfortable with you. They will feel more at ease in your presence, and like they can freely express themselves. They’ll feel a sense of respect. This will all contribute to maintaining a good conversati on flow. Ask Questions Asking questions is always one of the best ways to keep a conversation flowing, especially if you’re in doubt about how to proceed. It should be used sparingly to an extent however, if you ask too many questions, it will begin to se em like an interrogation after a while, and the conversation may no longer be so enjoyable for the other person. Be sure to mix up the questions with statements of your own every once in a while. Use open - ended questions whenever possible. Closed questions will really halt the flow of a conversation. By closed questions, I mean questions that prompt a simple yes or no answer. Open ended questions on the other hand, invite somebody to speak much more. A closed question might be, “Did you have a nice weekend? ” whereas an open - ended question would be “What did you most enjoy about your weekend?”. Another way to keep a conversation flowing after asking a question, is to not assume that your work is done after asking the question, and relax. Be ready to take some of the pressure off the other person with a question assistant. A question assistant, is if the other person is struggling to think of an answer, or they can’t think of an answer right away, you step in with a statement to keep the conversation flowing. M aybe you’ve just asked, “What’s your favorite type of drink?” and while they’re struggling to think of an answer, in the meantime you could offer, “I love cherry limeade, personally.” Statements and Self - Censoring Often when we’re speaking, we censor ours elves. We do this for many different reasons. It might be because we’re worried about seeming too crazy and out there, it might be because we don’t want to look stupid and ignorant, maybe we’re just feeling a bit nervous, and don’t feel expressing ourselve s fully. In general, too much censorship can really impede the flow of a conversation. If you have a habit of saying really inappropriate, or offensive things, then it may be for the best to show some self awareness, and censor yourself a little. If not ho wever, it’s usually in your interest to speak your mind. Even if you say something kind of wacky, so what? People will just find you more fun and interesting! In line with self - censorship, is allowing yourself to make longer statements. Short, blunt statem ents can kill the flow of a conversation. Give people something to work with when you’re speaking with them. Give them more than the absolute minimum response that is required of you. If somebody asks you, “Did you have a nice day today?” don’t just tell t hem “Yes.” Tell them “Yes, I did have a nice day, I went to a really cool museum, and I got an ice cream cone, and I saw my best friend and we had a laugh”, and so on and so on. Give them something to work with. If you give them a longer response, you’re a lso giving them more material to reply back to. Resolving Internal Issues for Flowing Conversation There are a variety of internal issues, that sit within you, that can make it difficult to maintain flow in a conversation. A major issue that can distract from flow, is being overly self - conscious. Constantly worrying about how you appear, and about how you sound to the other person, can really distract from flow. Worrying about if you’re cool enough, if you sound too stupid or too smart, if you’re interesti ng enough. All of these sorts of things can be a major distraction. Anxiety can be a major buzz kill in a conversation. Of course, it is easier said than done to get rid to it. Being self - centered in a conversation can also disrupt the flow. Of course, if you’re really self - centered, you probably won’t even care that much. Only caring about yourself, and your own comfort, and your own perspective, is not going to make for a very naturally flowing conversation. Communication is all about give and take, betwe en two people. Another internal issue that can affect the flow of a conversation, is your physical and emotional health at the time of the conversation. Are you healthy, awake, and in a good mood? Disrupting any of those things can also disrupt the flow of the conversati on. Think back to a time when you were extremely fatigued. How well could you have realistically kept a conversation going? Or if you’re feeling irritable or angry, or extremely depressed. All of these factors can have an effect on the flow. Compatibility and Enjoyment make a Conversation Flow At times, the flow of a conversation can come down to the compatibility of the participants. Some people just have more in common with each other, are more in tune with the other’s way of being, and really kind of “c lick”. On one level, this could mean that they simply know a lot about the same sorts of topics, and both have an interest in them, and neither finds the topics either too difficult, or too easy. If the topics are too easy, they get boring, but if they are too difficult, they get anxiety inducing, neither of which is very conducive to conversational flow. If one person is talking about mountain climbing, and the other person knows nothing about it, than at most they’ll be able to ask questions, they won’t b e able to contribute too much in the way of statements. Spiritual compatibility can also play a role, or where the people talking are at in their lives. If the people are on a similar sort of life path, or have similar sorts of goals, this can sometimes r esult in more conversational flow than if they’re at completely different places in their lives. Sheer enjoyment can also play a role in how well the conversation is flowing. When both parties are enjoying themselves so much that they completely lose thems elves in the moment. Laughing, having a good time, feeling like you’re learning something new, can all contribute to feeling a flow state when you’re speaking with someone. Conclusion Conversational flow is a very pleasant sense of ease, comfort, and enjo yment that we feel when we’re talking to someone, and the conversation seems to just “flow” naturally. There are a variety of different factors that contribute to a flow state in conversation. Being present, caring about the person and being sincere, and l istening can all help to achieve more flow. So can asking open ended questions, and making longer statements, and not censoring our selves so much. Often times we have internal issues like self - consciousness holding us back from achieving flow. And sometim es flow is simply influenced by our compatibility with a person, or how much we are enjoying the conversation, or learning from it.