FRASIER "The Good Doctor" By Trevor Smith INT. KACL STUDIOS - DAY FRASIER CRANE (Male, 40s) is slouched in his studio chair before his microphone - his head in his hands as a CALLER rambles on. CALLER (O.S.) So I told my husband that if he's going to continue seeing his mistress, he's going to have to wash his hands thoroughly before he comes back into the house. He thinks I'm being a little over- dramatic, but with all this coronavirus stuff happening, I feel like it's justified. Do you think I've gone too far, Dr. Crane? FRASIER (sarcastically) The word "smothering" comes to mind... Frasier hangs up the call. FRASIER (CONT'D) That seems to be all the time we have today, Seattle. Don't forget to tune in tomorrow for the continuation of our series 'Love in the time of Corona.'Be safe, be healthy, Seattle. Farewell. Frasier removes his headphones. ROZ (Female, 30s) enters the studio. ROZ Are you sure this virus doesn't cause insanity? ROZ (CONT'D) These calls have been ridiculous! Frasier stands up from the desk - he begins collecting his belongings. FRASIER In times like these, the collective psyche of a people is known to shift towards the absurd. (MORE) 2. FRASIER (CONT'D) It may be exhausting, but don't forget - we are essential workers in this time - at the epicenter of a crisis. ROZ Crisis, shmisis. I just want to get laid again. Frasier perks up, shocked. BULLDOG BRISCOE (Male, 30s) bursts into the studio. He immediately walks up to Roz - eyeing her creepily. BULLDOG Well hello, there. Did you know that one of my many talents is a little something called "laid-ar"? Roz shrugs him off. ROZ Six feet, Bulldog. Six Feet! FRASIER Ah. Such sweet nothings whispered in the hopes of pure courtship. BULLDOG Beat it, Doc. Roz, you can stay... ROZ I'd rather eat a sneeze, Bulldog. Roz and Frasier leave the studio. Bulldog pulls up to the mic. BULLDOG (aggressively) WOOF WOOF! This is Bulldog and you're in the dog pound. With sports cancelled and all... (shifts to a quieter tone) let's talk about your favorite board games TITLE CARD: FRASIER INT. FRASIER CRANE'S APARTMENT - AFTERNOON Frasier enters his apartment and is stopped in his tracks. He begins sniffing fiercely. He immediately covers his nose. 3. FRASIER By god, what is that dreadful smell?! DAPHNE (Female, 30s) buzzes into the living room. She is donning an apron and holding a cooking pot. DAPHNE Well thank goodness you can smell, Dr. Crane. They say that your sense of smell disappears when you have the corona. FRASIER My skin... is burning. My schefflera is wilting. My painting of Pagliacci is quite literally crying right now! DAPHNE It's an old family recipe, you see. Granny Moon used to cook this brew up to ward off spirits in troubled times. FRASIER This stench would ward off the entire population of Washington state! Give me that. Frasier grabs the pot from Daphne. He slides open the door of his patio. EXT. FRASIER CRANE'S APARTMENT PATIO - CONTINUOUS Frasier bursts out onto the patio revealing a shocked MARTIN CRANE (Male, 70s) who is wearing a face mask and holding his dog Eddie in one hand, his nose in the other. MARTIN Aw, jeez what are you doing bringing that garbage out here? Frasier places the pot in the corner of the patio. FRASIER We're leaving all olfactory offenses outside for now. Frasier turns to enter the apartment. Martin follows. FRASIER (CONT'D) That means the dog too. 4. Martin rolls his eyes. INT. FRASIER CRANE'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS Frasier, Martin and Eddie enter the living room, closing the patio door behind them. FRASIER Everyone, I am calling a house meeting together given the ridiculous behavior amidst this hysteria. Daphne returns to the living room, apron in hand. Eddie sits before Frasier and stares up at him. FRASIER (CONT'D) Aside from precautions that can be taken on everybody's part, it is best if we go about our lives as normal. No more stews, no more news, no more bleaching all our shoes. MARTIN Hey, nice rhyme! (starts vocalizing off- key) No more stews, no more news, no more bleach- Frasier stares down Martin. Martin becomes quiet. FRASIER This is to be taken as orders. As the head of household, I am putting my foot down! A loud clunk occurs from the front door just as Frasier stomps his foot down. All are stunned. DAPHNE Well, go ahead Mr. "Head of Household" why don't you go answer the door? Frasier approaches the front door cautiously. He leans towards the door. 5. MARTIN If you're looking for toilet paper, we're out! Frasier glares at Martin. FRASIER Who is it? VOICE (O.S.) (meekly) Help. Frasier opens the door to reveal NILES CRANE (Male, 40s) who is standing in the hallway wearing large, yellow rubber gloves and a face mask. His hands are upright towards the ceiling. There's a bump on his forehead. FRASIER Niles, what the hell are you doing? Niles walks into the apartment, his hands still upright. NILES Avoiding surfaces, Frasier. I stood outside of your building for nearly twenty-five minutes before somebody held the door open for me. Your doorman refused to acknowledge my presence and even muttered a few insults that I refuse to repeat before a lady. And since I couldn't touch those Petri dishes known as elevator buttons, I had to stay on until someone going to the 19th floor got on. Frasier rolls his eyes. The man who did end up going to the 19th floor was a kind Bolivian delivery man who was carrying what I could only imagine were al pastor tacos with a dreadful glut of cilantro tha- FRASIER Get on with it! NILES Right, yes. The thump. As I was saying before. Avoiding. Surfaces. (MORE) 6. NILES (CONT'D) So I get to your door, and I wouldn't dare kick your front door with my brand new Paolo Scafora loafers so I had to rap with my cranium, of course. MARTIN You're really a doctor , huh? NILES Why, yes. And that's why I'm here. Niles walks into the living room to the sofa. He removes a handkerchief from his back right pants pocket and a bottle of disinfectant spray from his breast pocket. Niles begins spraying down a seat on the couch. Wipes it with handkerchief and carefully sits down. Frasier groans and rolls his eyes. NILES (CONT'D) I received a call from an old clinical colleague of mine asking if I would "join the fight against the virus" since I went to medical school, and all. MARTIN Yet you knock on the door with your skull. NILES All practicing medical professionals in the area are being asked to help out in hospitals. And let's be frank, Frasier, I could never get past my squeamish tendencies. FRASIER Ah yes. This is the boy who fainted at the sight of an over-rare filet mignon on his 11th birthday. NILES As a licensed psychiatrist yourself, I was hoping you could write me a note to excuse me from these sort of activities. MARTIN Why not have your dad do it for you, Niles? (MORE) 7. MARTIN (CONT'D) I had plenty of practice getting you out of Physical Education in school because of your "Baryshnikov Toe." NILES A problem that still troubles me to this day - but Frasier, I really need your help with this one. FRASIER I don't think this is necessarily ethical, Niles. Niles is distraught. DAPHNE I think it would be awfully brave of you, Dr. Crane. Imagine how wonderful it would be, helping all of those poor souls. Niles perks up. NILES Really? DAPHNE Suiting up in medical scrubs. Grabbing your stethoscope. Niles stands up and approaches Daphne confidently. NILES Yes! DAPHNE Healing those poor folks who are coughing up lungs from the deadly virus. Niles faints to the ground. All immediately rush to his aid. INT. KACL STUDIOS - DAY Frasier is sitting before his microphone. CALLER (O.S.) I'm afraid to get this virus, Dr. Crane. I'm getting a lot of anxiety. Usually I have my church community to talk to, but I'm all alone. 8. FRASIER Think of this as an opportunity to be at peace with yourself. Learn to talk to yourself. Learn to talk to - Frasier looks up and sees Niles standing in the window, hands upwards, covered in head to toe protective gear. FRASIER (CONT'D) Jesus Christ! CALLER (O.S.) That's great advice, Dr. Crane. Thanks! FRASIER Uh - we'll be right back on KACL 780. Frasier removes his headphones and runs to the door. Niles enters the studio as Frasier holds the door for him. NILES Oh thank goodness. I waited outside for nearly twenty-five minutes before anybody opened the door for me. Bulldog even ignored me and muttered a few insults- FRASIER What in the fresh hell are you doing here dressed like this? NILES (proudly) Do you like it? It's my uniform. FRASIER For your community theater production of Lost In Space: The Musical? NILES Very funny. You know I only stick to Sondheim... I have decided to enlist in the fight against the coro- Niles looks queasy. 9. NILES (CONT'D) Coron- Niles looks even more uneasy. Frasier is getting frustrated. FRASIER Just spit it out already! NILES Coronavirus! Niles faints into Frasier's arms. Niles comes to and returns to standing. FRASIER Oh, really? NILES (slightly flustered) Yes, really. And no, it's not just because Daphne said that it would be heroic. There's a long pause. Frasier is staring at Niles. NILES (CONT'D) Okay, maybe just a little bit. FRASIER Niles, I think this is frankly inadvisable. You have no idea what you are doing in a hospital setting, let alone on a sidewalk in front of a building! NILES You're just jealous. FRASIER Me? Jealous? Of what? Of succumbing to the madness that is clearly a symptom of this hysteria? NILES Jealous because I will actually save lives - as opposed to boring lives to death on AM radio. FRASIER I would say 'suit yourself' but apparently you already have. 10. NILES I guess I will just have to show you how brave your brother can actually be. Roz enters the studio and accidentally brushes up against Niles. He leaps and shrieks in fear. ROZ You're on in 30. Roz looks over at Niles. ROZ (CONT'D) What's Neil Armstrong doing here? NILES I was just about to step out to save Seattle. One small step. One small step for man. One small step for mank- (sheepishly) Roz, could you be a dear and get the door for me? END CREDITS OVER MONTAGE/"TOSSED SALAD AND SCRAMBLED EGGS" INT - FRASIER CRANE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT -Niles is sitting on the sofa with Frasier. Martin is sitting in his chair. Daphne is standing behind the sofa, watching TV. -Niles coughs once. Everybody freezes up. -Niles coughs again. Frasier and Daphne start to creep away. -Niles coughs even more violently. Eddie jumps off of Martin's lap. Everybody else follows Eddie out of the living room. -Niles stands up to tell people to come back. He coughs one more time into his hands, looks at his hands, and faints. END