The Warrah Falkland Islands Warrah House, Stanley, Falkland Islands - ThewarrahFI@gmail.com - Published as required Misery continues twelve years after cocaine fiasco Numerous complaints have been received by the RFIP about the harassment of walkers by “Cocaine Junkies” on the harbour path between the Narrows and Seaman’s Mission. Much of the blame for this situation has been placed upon the Police, but they insist they didn’t dump 23kg of cocaine into the harbour, but were merely in charge of it when it was “lost”. This tragic event led to a crazed mussel snorting frenzy back in 2008, but inevitably those higher up the food chain eventually acquired the “habit”. With the reduction in South American flights and fish- ing vessel visits, the supply has become extremely limited and these unfortunate souls are now forced to beg in order to raise enough to continue to buy the scarce commodity which has doubled in price over the past 3 months. Sea-lions and Seagulls appear to be the biggest perpetra- tors according to the chief vet, who also pointed out that a recent break-in at the Ag Department had resulted in the loss of a sub- stantial amount of Ketamine. The Chief Medical Of- ficer, who after pulling up in a black Range Rover Overfinch with darkened windows, ex- plained that the only way Co- caine could be legally imported into the Islands was with a li- cence issued by herself. Police have advised the public to ignore any pleas for money. “Giving these wretches money will go on drugs and eventually end up in the off-shore accounts of those supplying them.” Head of the RFIP ex- plained and added “Just say no!” IN SATVRA EST VERITAS Price £0:00 Issue 2 Theft causes play park closure The play park at St Mary’s Walk has been temporarily closed after thieves have been stripping the swings and slide of their weatherproof coverings. Head of Parks and Gardens, Norman Foster, explained then when the design was submitted, the instruction to make it a “gold -plated” facility was taken literally by the FIG Procure- ment Department. It didn’t take long for the expensive cladding to be spotted by a ruthless gang of toddlers who, whilst pretending to sleep soundly in their beds, were in fact plotting and carrying out the audacious raid. The same group is believed to be behind the great “Farley Rusk” robbery from the West Store. Mr Foster explained that although the original cost of the park had been grossly under-estimated, he still considered that it represented value for money in these days of Covid-19. He added “the park would reo- pen as soon as the contractors, Tiffany & Co had re- moved the remaining precious metal and replaced it with a lead-free paint of some sort.” Police continue to guard the area 24 hours a day in case any opportunistic ne’er-do-wells get any ideas. PWD refute claim they cause daily traffic jam The PWD Manager has flatly refused to accept that the daily rush-hour traffic on the Airport Road between Megabid and Stanley is caused by PWD staff driving home. “It couldn’t possibly be us.” he explained, “the really busy period is between 4.00 and 4:15pm and “that’s a good 15- 30mins before the end of shift.” Your Letters Email: thewarrahFI@gmail.com Wrong home I was dumping rubbish at the tip the other day, and was saddened by all the seagulls congregating there. Surely they belong at the seaside. In an effort to encourage these wonderful birds back to their natural habitat, the next time I clean out the garage, I’m going to dump everything on Surf Bay instead. Dave Attenborough Stanley If I could talk to the animals... Doctor Doolittle, if you are reading this, could you pop round to the house on Ross Road East, the one with the chicken coop, and tell that rooster to shut the fuck up? Name & Address Supplied Technicality I was annoyed by the letter featured in the last edition, from Mr Quirin, that men- tioned my 1983 Carmichael fire engine. If he knew anything about vehicles, he would know this model was built on a Dennis 6040 LWB chassis, which with a small amount of modification, the Diff could be used on the 1986 model as well! With an atti- tude like his, I suppose he would like me to just throw away my 1/2 Sea-cadet hut as well? James Pikey By Email Not Bitter My husband always joked that if he ever won the lottery he would eat a Wall’s Viennetta for his tea every day. Imagine my surprise that when he did actually win the Irish Lottery, that instead of eating a Wall’s Viennetta every day for his tea, he left me and the kids, bought a Ferrari and moved to the Dominican Republic with a blonde woman half his age whose got really big knock- ers. Life is strange some- times! Sandie Shore Port Eggermore The Warrah “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated” once said Mark Twain. And just like Mr Twain we are back like a Phoe- nix from the ashes. Much of our time this week, which could have been bet- ter spent improving our satirical view of the Islands, has in- stead been filled with getting to know the wonderful people of Menlo Park, California better. It is no fun spending hours try- ing to mitigate our existence to the FB police. When our pro- file is eventually returned to us, please if you don’t like the publication, don’t read it! Don’t report us, like a hormonal banshee or petulant child, to Facebook again please. Until we are let back into the “safe and comfortable” world of bland hypocrisy, we are having to decamp to the wid- er web to publish our “alternative” reflection of life here in the Islands. If you enjoy it, and take it for what it is, that’s smash- ing. But if it’s not your thing, then we will soon get a feel for that also. Trust me, it takes up enough time to complete this rag which could be used doing something less controversial. So here's to free speech and the lampooning of those that deserve it. FU ******* ****. Road courtesy, “...just a friendly wave each morning, helps to make a better day...” is part of the theme tune for Neighbours. Why, if a bunch of hairy-arsed Diggers and Sheilas can be bothered to do it, don’t drivers here anymore? I used to get repetitive strain injury in my fingers on my journey to work, but not any longer. Perhaps to avoid self- inflicted harm, maybe we could limit it to just thanking other drivers who pull into the gap in a line of parked vehicles to let you through. Surely that’s not too much to ask, you ignorant twat. An apology, Some of you that have downloaded the picture of Baad Al Sajun from our website have noticed that it automatically saved with the default file name of “Bitch”. This was in part due to one of our colleague’s “dry hu- mour”. We would like to apologise to this animal and point out that he is a male and therefore the picture should have been labelled “Dog”. Dogs seek help Following a tirade of abuse recently on Facebook, the number of referrals to the dog’s welfare charity (FIDO) has increased by 250%. “We all know that dogs are dirty vermin that don’t deserve to exist, but let’s blame the owners for their unpopularity rather than them” explained charity worker Josie Mengele. “It’s all about shitting” she continued and added “We all have to do it, even the queen, but she has re- sponsible owners who pick up after her.” Even their arch rivals have rallied to their aid and are offering a comforting paw and counselling to the petrified mutts. “Bugger me, I’s glad I aint no canine at the mo” said volunteer helper Mr Mistof- felees. “At times like this we all gotta help!” he said whilst sniggering and added “What would help is if dog faeces wasn’t bought into every conversation, not matter how irrelevant and unconnected it is to a Facebook post.” Q What does Che mean and how should it be spelt; che, chey or chay? A Answer provided by Li- brary assistant, and etymolo- gist Jayne “Shush” Goode- Reid. The correct spelling is Che. It is a Spanish diminutive interjection commonly used in Argentina. It is a form of colloquial slang used in a vocative sense as "friend", and thus loosely corresponds to expressions such as "mate", "pal", or "dude", as used by various English speakers. Although it is trendy to have a poster or T-shirt de- picting Senor Che Guevara, one should remember that no matter how good looking he was, he was another Argen- tine terrorist who helped in- vade an independent Island. Ironically his birthday is 14th June. As for the correct spelling here, any one of them is correct, but I like Chay as that is a common form of Charles and that was my granddad's name. Q Why should I be pay- ing £1:27/litre to fill up with petrol when diesel is only 43p/litre? A Answer provided by Falkland Fuels Ltd. The Fuel Formula which has set the price of fuels for years is well known by all. If you decided to buy a vehicle with a petrol engine when you knew it would be more expensive that is, quite frank- ly, you’re choice. If you insist on driving around in a 6-litre American tank and can’t afford it, go tell it to someone who gives a shit. As for quad bikes, I think they are available with diesel engines and have been for many years now. Q When will the new Jet- ty be available to use? A Answer provided by FIG civil engineer, Anne Folly . The jetty is indeed already being used. It makes for an extremely useful overflow car park during tourist days and provides a magnificent view point for Jubilee Villas. It was never designed to be compatible with watercraft. Q Why when advertising a house for sale does the advert always end with “The owner does not bind himself/herself to accept the highest or any tender”? A Answer provided by Dan Beagle from Regal Legal Eagles LLB. I really don't know! Per- haps they saw it once in an- other advert and think they are now qualified as a con- tract lawyer. It means abso- lutely nothing and never has. If I may offer a word of advice though, if I were them, I would ignore the lowest offer and accept the highest. Based on sales and downloads from the last week, these are the top ten singles for the Falkland Islands: Justin & the Surettes The Gluepots Iain Folds and the Cottingley Massive Pigs that Fight Hanson The Road Crew West Store 17 Port Development Team Big Hots ft. Dble F The Deliverymen 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Hanging on the Telephone This is a Man’s World Papa Don’t Preach Blood on the Dance Floor When you say Nothing at All/Leaving on a Jet Plane ( Double A-side ) Wake me up, before you Go Go Gangstas Paradise In the year 2525 I Heard it through the Grapevine King of the Road Give us two minutes... Paul Henry If you had a motto what would it be? In Satura est Veritas (in satire there is truth) Who would you make Gov- ernor of the Falkland Is- lands? Alan Huckle again. He was all cuddly and looked like Papa Smurf. But Noele Gordon would be good as well. If she ran the Islands like she did Crossroads Motel, she’d do a great job. Is she still going? What will people remember about you? The honour of a whole popu- lation being named after me. What was your most ridicu- lous story line? Going out with the beautiful receptionist Miss Diane Law- ton. I was punching well above my weight. What was your saddest moment? When Miss Diane died of a brain haemorrhage. What was your happiest moment? Still having a job after Miss Diane died. What is your biggest regret? Not releasing my own range of designer hats. What would surprise people to know about you? I’m still alive! Where would you have, a beer call in the Falk- lands and who would you invite? I’ve never been to the Falkland Islands but I hear the pubs are ‘kin rammed on a Saturday night. I’d feel part of the community and would invite Theo Warrah be- cause he’s a dude. Paul Henry played the lova- ble handyman Benny Haw- kins in the 70s super-soap Crossroads. His famous headwear was originally his brother’s fishing hat. Paul can still be seen doing the occasional pantomime in Birmingham. Policy —Team Manager A new and exciting position to provide strategic leadership and over-arching oversight of best practice employment, underpinning core principles, whilst maintaining energetic team motivation to achieve corporate competence in a fluid and dynamic environment. The successful candidate must possess the ability to speak business jargon to minimum level III. No meaningful man- agement experience required. Hours : As required to maintain a notion- al amount of face time. Salary : Grade A+. Min £72000 per year- ly interval with attractive performance related bonuses, awards and super- numerary and supplementary non-taxable benefits-in-kind. Contact : The Superintendent of manage- ment and leadership with oversight and responsibility for development of Gov- ernment employees. Closing Date : 12th/Never/2020 DIFFERENTIAL For 1983 or 1986 Carmichael airport fire engine. Buyer removes. £40. Call Jim on 58826. 1/2 SEA-SCOUT HUT Slight water damage. Blue. Great DIY project. Buyer collects. £200. Call Jim on 58826. STANLEY CYCLISTS Join us for our weekly ride-out. Disrespect for other road users and Lycra essential. Sunday 10am from the Jetty Car Park. SIGNED FOOTBALL Autographed by either Pele, the former Brazilian foot- ball player, widely renowned by most experts and fans to be the finest player that ever existed, or by some guy named “Peter”. £75 Tel 58801. TYSON (“Mr Giggles”) Excellent pedigree. Good with children and cats. Court Order forces sale. £50. Tel 57594. PARAPHENALIA Supply of mirrors, razor blades, rolled-up notes and “Talcum” powder. Contact Paula Escobar at the KEMH after normal hours. Discretion as- sured. Tel. 59766 and wait for call back. SWB LAND ROVER FOR SALE FSH and well maintained. Only 265K miles. Runs with a little bit of TLC. Buyer to bring own battery or tow rope. £2500 OVNO. Tel 58333 DURABLE FACE MASKS . Let me knock one up for you from an old bit of scrap metal I’ve go lying about. Only £12. Mike Baker on 26788..