Litsey 1 Not i nto Temptation Christian Litsey Litsey 2 Angelica wanted to murder the man she had trusted for 15 years. She took stock of her marriage in frantic reflection, thinking back on her years of absolute devotion to t he i r family, and the choices , by both of them, that had led t hem to this clumsy, uncomfortable , and convoluted conversation, in this mid - tier, overpriced, uninspired , tacky Pacific hellhole . She rolled out of bed vibrating with anger and flipped the nightstand lamp on befo re rising, starting to pace a bout the humid hotel room with her hands in her dense tangles of black hair, back and forth, fingernails raking in jerking scratches along her scalp as white phosphorous rage burned beneath. “Do you know how crazy you sound?” she whispered through gritted teeth , to not wake the other patrons with a bout of their marital strife. Still, she tossed her arms in the air in disbelief . Her husband star ed at her wearily with worn, baggy eyes , cross legged, looking up at her from the be d , running his fingers through receding sandy - brown hair, letting the digits drag down into his dense, curly beard, his hand coming to a rest on his jaw line, as if it was all that was holding his head upright. God, he looks tired , she thought, and for a moment, all of her boiling rage froze over, and he was the man she had promised to love forever once more. She took a few more caged paces through the room, from window to bathroom door, back and forth, trying to burn off that excess angry energy. Finally , she rubbed her own tired eyes and walked back over to her side of the bed and plopped down on the edge. “Allen, I don’t want to talk about this, okay. If you want to date someone else, I already told you to go at it. More power to you. It’s not my thing. Okay? Don’t force it. Please. I’m too tired.” Alan la id out in the bed and pull ed the covers over his body She shook her head, relieved to have avoided another senseless fight, and flipped off the light. She laid out, aligning her body with the edge of the bed, as far away from her husband as she could be without surrendering the Litsey 3 bed to him and sleeping on the pullout. She wanted to force her body to sleep through this last tense night of what had been an awkward and mostly speechless vacation with Allen to Hawaii. The impromptu trip was meant to be a way for the two to connect on a romantic tropical getaway, w here the sun and surf and tropic breeze could help ease away the stress of their marriage after months filled with infidelity, identity crises, and more screaming than she thought they could survive. Hawaii was supposed to b e solace, but instead she felt t rapped on an island with a man she now could hardly say she wanted in her life, and he acted as though the Island was another extension of his perpetual purgatory, and he would be damned there with his wife, forever fearful of these late - night fights and t he crying and anger that burst forth from them. The tension gathered underneath like the molten rock that had formed the island millennia ago. She tried to ignore the mental soreness so she could sleep. Surely he needed that just as desperately as s he did , right? But he didn’t sleep ; h e never settled into the long heavy breaths broken by occasional soft snore s that years had turned into her own reliable organic sound machine . Howe ver, his breathing was short, frantic, and a soft trembling began to radiate to her She could hear him slowly fidget, as if trying not to disturb her, but failing miserably at the task. He cycled through a set of movements that signal ed he was not going to sleep. He adjust ed his legs, stretch ed out on the creaky mattress, the springs groaning as he shifted ; he coughed every couple of minutes She tried to squeeze her eyes tighter and with more force than beartraps, hoping desperately that he would calm himself and drift off to sleep, so she could have the only peace life seemed to afford her anymore , the pleasant if not lonely recess of slumber Then the silence shattered and the illusion of peace with it. “I know you don’t want to h ear this, but I really think you ought to go out and see someone when we get home,” he said softly, voice shaking as it rose to an audible volume . Their Litsey 4 vertical backs remained locked, parallel to each other, forming a frigid valley between them that had b ecome the norm since the revelation of his infidelity, something that not even the powerful heat tropical local could thaw. They hadn’t touched each other the entire time they had been on their tropical retreat , much less been intimate with each other. The ir relationship was still on ice. S tatic s ilence filled the air. Neither seemed to breath in the heavy humid air as it pressed down upon them. “What the hell did you just say?” she asked, more annoyed than angry. “I think you would be happier if yo u dated someone else too ” “That’s the second dumbest thing you’ve told me recently.” “Listen, I — ” “No, you listen to me. I didn’t want this. I am biting my tongue off and swallowing the fucker right along with my pride, letting you screw some ki d so you can pretend to be happy. I still care about things like our faith and the sanctity of our marriage, even if you don’t.” “That’s not fair.” “Isn’t it, ?” “You know I love you, that I never wanted to hurt you — ” “You have a funny fucking way of sh owing it.” Was he dense enough to think that an over - hyped trip and dat ing some stranger would abra - kadabra away his infidelity ? In the burning stillness that blanketed the room, she tried to stifle heavy breath s , not wanti ng to give Allen an y sign that he affected her emotions ; but he had been trying hard, and he was a more attentive father and partner in the months since . Was he just Litsey 5 trying so he could get his rocks off , or was he genuinely happy with this arrangement? Would it work for her? Her head was throbbing, like her mind was close to breaking, fragmentin g into a million little hurt pieces, as it had done over and over since the revelation. The hatred for the man her husband was and the love for who he had been made her of two minds on the issue of taking her husband’s advice , a nd her head pounded like war drums between the two sides. The maelstrom of questions blasted and shattered away as she felt his cold fingers touch her shoulder and she jumped and jerked away from a tender embrace she once craved, now repulsed by the mere s uggestion of such intimacy from him. “Don’t you fucking touch me!” “I’m sorry. Your right, I don’t deserve to touch you.” “There’s a lot of things that happen to us that we don’t deserve.” “Yeah, you’re right,” he said, “but I do know one thing : y ou deserve to be happy.” “I was happy, asshole.” “I know, but please hear me out. I know you don’t want to hear this, but new emotions, they can be strong, and empowering S ome people probably decide it’s not really for them. But you should t ry, because even just being flirty and being flirted with by a new person, it’s — ” “I want you to flirt with me , asshole. I d on’ t want to rely on someone else to make me feel loved. I want you. U s.” Her voice was flat, emotionless; month s ago , when the woun d was fresh and bloody, she would have sobbed the words, but now , her reservoir of grief had run dry “I know — I know, but I don’t — I don’t know how anymore, especially after all of this.” “I didn’t fuck us up.” Litsey 6 “ So let me help you. I can ’ t fix what I’ve broken, but we can make something new.” “I’m too tired to start over. I’m thirty - five for Christ’s sake.” “But we can’t keep living like this, and you know that.” Angelica’s mouth dropped to refute , but the words stuck in her throat like tree sap. The fucker was right. “I know you’re trying to be okay with all of this. Me seeing Casey, me having feelings for her, being poly. But you’re not doing okay. I don’t blame you for hating it all, hating me even, you deserve to be. But you said you wanted to stay, to give this a shot, and it’s become impossible to be around you since You said you wanted to give us a chance. I guess I’m confused by what you want. ” “I know,” she replied as the surging emotions of rage, regret, and remorse rattled her “You get bitter every night I leave, and honestly, I don’t even enjoy going to see Casey , becaus e I ’m not actually that much happier because I get to see her, it’s just easier than being at home with you, and I need that sometimes.” “You made me like this.” “And I’m trying to help fix it, Ange. Okay? But living with you is like living with an active volcano. There are plenty of calm days, smoldering days where I only get a whiff of anything wrong, but I know there’s lava under it all, and at any moment, it could just burst. “I want to stay, I want us, and I think we can be better than before, but if you’re going to keep covering out lives in ash, I’m going to suffocate. ” There was a pause in the c ondensation - laced air ; she at last breathed in th e stifling breeze. “And you really think me going out and dating other people is going to solve anything that has happened between us ? ” Litsey 7 “I think at the very least, even if we can’t be fixed, you’ll happiness through this.” “I’m scared, Allen. I don’t know if I’m ready for any of this. Do you think it’ll help? “I promise, it will be worth it.” Angelica lay motionless , stone silen t as the minutes ticked away, until she flew up to the bathroom, grabbing her phone from the nightstand as she took off . She returned a half hour later. Allen was sitting in the middle of their bed, holding his knees and crying, her shadow covering him from the light shining into the hotel room from behind. H is eyes shot up to her, panicked. “Which of these damn apps should I be using?” Without doing research, she plunged into 21 st century dating, downloading the typical slew of dating services for those trying to find love or lust in the digital age; however, Tinder , Bumbl e, OkCupid , and POF all seemed to foster an environment of youthful ignorance and willful misdirection. Appearances conveyed that e veryone was in their 20’s ; always on vacation ; constantly part ying , making her feel outpaced and outdated ; the world had moved past her, and she was ready to sink into a thick mire of doubt and intrusive thoughts of her lac k of worth in the world. Then the likes rolled in. Men flooded her inbox, something that fueled her desire to give this a shot. A t first, she truly did enjoy the number of men flirting with her , especially the types of m en flirting with her. Young men who looked like age had never touched them, older men who still worked hard to take care of themselves, men with six - packs, men with interesting careers, men asking her to be their wedding dates; she even met one gentleman o ffering her a tropical getaway, as if she Litsey 8 needed another. Angelica couldn’t believe all these guys wanted her. Her! She wasn’t awful look ing , her raven hair and clear skin retaining their youthful luster , but she was a mom of two who was far t oo busy for a gym routine and had too many expenses to justify a membership; her curves and puggy belly showed this. Yet these men, w ith carefully crafted profiles, personalities, and bodies to allure women , were choosing to speak with her Angelica was smitten, not with any of the men in particular, but rather with the idea that any of these men might be drawn to her This illusion held as she engaged in fun flirtatious conversations with strangers for the first t ime since she was a freshman in college ; however, the charm this held quickly lost its magnetic ability to draw out joy and desire. Most of the legion of men trying to g et her attention came at her with na rcissistic tactics, displaying wealth, strength, sex appeal, and many even going over the top with support of her and the dipping of her toes into the clouded waters of non - monogamy. Most , no matter their tactic, quickly revealed they only had on thing in mind, and while casual sex with strangers did hold a taboo appeal, she couldn’t justify running out and sleeping with a bunch of unknowns. Yet, this was all of these conversations tended to revolve around, the guys gravitationally drawn to ide a of sleeping with her, if they were conversations at all, with the number of men leading with pictures of their pricks skyrocketing as the weeks dragged Angelica was growing bored of it all, even annoyed by the entire ordeal. Through th e whole process, Allen had been a terrible source of help. Not that he didn’t try to help ; his encouragement was constant, and every time Angelica felt leveled, he helped her back up , telling her that she deserved the affection and attention of a s many people as she wanted She grew to appreciate this seemingly sincere effort to help her into this new life, as he genuinely seemed concerned and interested into his wife’s foray into a non - monogamous relationship. The two seemed closer than they had been in years, with the two returning to old Litsey 9 habits like dating and making love that had long fallen out of regular fashion between the two, and while there was still mistrust and hurt lurking in her heart, there was also healing. However, Allen could not help with the uncharted trek through online dating , the twists and turns of which were alien to hi m Besides, a guy’s experience in these situations is different Allen would n’t have to face a torrent o f dick pics or one - word greetings by unimaginative men just wanting to pound one out inside of her. She was sick of it all, ready to bre ak, until one day, a profile popped up on her phone that presented her with a person th e likes of which she had never encountered. With hesitation, she shakily slide the profile to the right. What the hell are you doing here? she thought , sweaty palms gripped tight around the wheel, eyes fixed on the chipped silver KIA logo, inhaling and exhaling in desperate gasps. N othing about this leap of faith sat right in her body and every nerve in her body screamed out in anxious anguish. What if it didn’t go well? What if she made a fool of herself, said something awful ? W hat if she couldn’t say anything at all? What if they didn’t show up? What if they were in there waiting ? There were other concerns too; it wasn’t like she lived in a big city : less than 15,000 people lived in the rural Rust Belt town of Lucas. What if someone saw her? What would that mean for her marriage? Her kids? Their positions in Resurrection Lutheran Church , the kid ’ s schools , the PTA, their jobs , the community? What the hell was she doing here ? Not that these had ever been concerns of her husband. When he arrived at their suburban paradise that spring afternoon after what she believed to be another grueling day at the plan t, the week before Easter of all weeks, and told her that he had fallen off a cliff for one of the line girls. In a moment, her life seemed to be in death throw s and Angelica braced for the blows of public and personal humiliation: divorce, lawyers, moving home with her parents, this twenty - Litsey 10 something dropout moving into his life, into the spot she ha d worked tirelessly for. Then, he dropped another grenade into her bombed out life. As the argument whirled around their bedroom, under the burning condemnation brought forth by the judging portrait eyes of their past selves and of Christ hung about the wa lls, Allen had stuttered through frail explanations of his infidelity, and begged for forgiveness, all before pulling out of the depths of his delusions pure, slimy gall, which he used to ask his wife to allow him to still see his mistress. Angelica was fl oored, and as she collapsed, he took the piercing silence as his own, ringing out with hollow chimes of his continued love for her and their family. He proclaimed that he still wanted to be her husband and to raise their family with her, but that he also w anted to explore these feelings. In a white - hot flash, she snapped at him that it was her or this other woman who had waltzed carefree into their lives. She would not permit him both, not on his life. She would get lawyers, she would endure the humiliation , she would rally around her children, and she would face the trials of a single mother before she willingly became willing participant of her own disgrace. Of course, that’s not what she did. After an evening rotating in bed like she was being roasted o ver a fire, sleepless in the heat, sweat, and stress she wallered in , Angelica had decided to stay put in her marriage , for her children and a sense of security, not to mention to satisfy the sense of adult pride she had to not move back home in an instant aneous fleeing from this great and terrible wreck of a life that now loomed before her. At first, Allen even caved, refusing to see this mystery woman who had ripped his heart away from Angelica, an act of submission that helped maintain the tentative peac e put in place since his mess had whipped through their lives like whirlwind. Allen had even started going through the complicated motions of being put on a different shift to avoid being around the “mistress”. Litsey 11 Still, in the weeks following, her husband e xisted as a hollow shell, never meeting anyone ’ s gaze and hardly eating Through this melancholy haze, he tried hard than ever to make the fractured family work without triggering another violent shift in the jagged fault shooting through However, w hile he was cleaning more, helping their daughter, Bren with all of her homework each night and reading books with their young son, Judith every night before bed, and even cooking fresh and exciting meals, substituting meatlo af and spaghetti for mahi - mahi and ratatouille , he haunted the home like the desperate husk of the man Angelica wanted to spend the rest of her life with. She reluctantly relented, for him, someone she felt stupid now for loving, yet couldn’t help bu t do so. A llen would be allowed to see ‘Casey’, a name that even now, three seasons later, was spoken in hushed tones in the dark empty hours of their nights together. But her husband was happy and became a model husband on the five nights a week he spen t in the suburban illusion they had constructed around themselves with care . This became the new normal. Her husband kept up all the typical domestic duties and appearances he once had, even piling on a few more as overcompensation f or his new dual life, paid the bills as the successful manager at Lucas’ biggest employer, and he even cooked and cleaned more than he ever had before, all with a smile on his face; in return, eight days a month, he was with her Angelica’s phone violent ly brought her from the fixed trance ; snatch ing it up from the passenger seat , she could see that her date w as running late. Of course. That meant more agonizing minutes of dread and anxiety for the trembling thirty - five - year - old substitute teacher She opened up the dating app, looking around with paranoid glances, like she were peering at forbidden Faustian pages. Sending them a quick reply, then set t he phone down with a sigh What if she wasn’t good enough for the wonderful person taking a chance on her? Litsey 12 Angel ica took stock of her years of devotion to her marriage and family in calm reflection , and the choices that had led to this near - vacant parking lot on a Friday nig ht when she felt she should be at home with her family. Maybe it had been her husband’s constant nagging. Maybe it was just the loneliness she had felt since Allen had broken her heart. Or maybe she really just did a fresh start. Could she get one though? Angelica shook her head and turned to the agreed upon restaurant : Matt’s, a quirky seafood restaurant that also baked their own bread , a new er place . When her date had suggested it, Angelica agreed, not because of the quirky nature of the eccentric establishment, but because she was certain no one she knew would want to go there. She gathered her things into the simple black tote she lugged around. She looked inside, giving one more mental check: phone, wallet, hair ties, generic me dicines and climbed out of the blue sedan, as she went to shut the door, she noticed the little cross, swaying in the vibrating ruckus of Angelica’s departure. It had been a gift from her daughter, one made in Sunday school. The sight of the humble relic c aused a tight clenching to rock her abdomen. Oh God, what am I doing? Lord, what am I doing? This isn’t right. I — I made vows, even to that fucking cheater. I MADE VOWS. How can I turn on them now? I don’t think I can do this. God, I’m so sorry. I can’t do any of this. A muffled hum came from deep within the black tote, drawing, for a moment, Angelica’s attention away from her faith as she rummaged through for her phone. Hey. Running late. Traffic is awful on the highway. Promise I’m coming. They had even added a kiss emoji, and Angelica felt heat rush into her cheeks and a slight tremor that began to rattl e its way down to the knees they fell upon. A few moments of giddy anxiety later, she smiled and slid the phone back into her bag. She looked back at the cross and Litsey 13 slammed the door shut. The thing was, as certain as Angelica had been that this was wrong based on what h er faith, and her life, and those around he r would tell her, this didn’t feel wrong. In her gut, this felt like heaven, not hellfire. Still, the Lord works in mysterious ways, and so does the Devil, and she still felt as if a sinister miasma lingered , like she was being bribed into temptation Angelica took a deep breath , look ing into the night sky, untouched by the chaos of the drowning city lights an hour away. In the deep blue, she could feel what sh felt to be the loving affection of God . S he closed her eyes, allowing herself to bathe in n celestial serenity, embracing a stillness of knowing in her heart. She opened her eyes and took in a gasp of frosty night air. “God, give me a sign that this is right . I need this and I need this to be okay. Plea se. ” Nothing about the firmament changed, but she quickly noticed that one of the t’s on the restaurant ’ s giant red neon sign wasn’t illuminated. The incomplete glow of Mat ‘s made the whole situation feel damaged in incomplete. Angelica’s spirits sank into the pit of her stomach. Then, it slowly began to flicker before buzzing to life in electric resurrection. Angelica chuckled , feeling a n electric ner vous energy f lood through, breaking through the doubtful levies of her hesitation and replacing the urge to flee with a giddy excitement “I’ll take it.” She shook the stress out of her arms and sho ulders and mouthed Thank you before walking towards the restaurant, walking along the small winding concrete sidewalk towards the elevated entrance. Walking beneath the black canopy that covered the doorway, a gentleman rushed from inside to open the door for Angelica “Right this way, ma’am .” “Thank y — ,” Angelica began, freezing when she focused on the boy’s face and saw his name tag: Kevin Montgomery. Shit , Angelica thought . This boy was a member of their church, a Litsey 14 leader of the youth group . She spoke to his mother nearly every afternoon while picking up their daughters from elementary school. Their husbands worked together at the plant. Warn ing sirens began sounding off in Angelica’s mind as she struggled to maintain herself. “Oh, Mrs. Fraizer. I almost didn’t recognize you. How are you ,” he asked, looking around, “and where is Mr. Frazier?” “Oh , Allen, he’ s at home, with the kids. I’m out meeting with a friend tonight.” “Oof, picked a rough night. It’s Friday night,” he droned, glancing back and forth before leaning in , “and ever since we opened, the Catholics always flo ck her e on Friday nights.” Angelica looked around. Thank God I ’ m Lutheran , she internally praised as she looked into the crowd of nameless strangers, oblivious of her reality, her secrets, and her tribulations “Well, will the wa it be very long? I — I don’t mind if it is, I’m just curious. My friend should be getting here soon I just want to know if I should meet them outside or something.” “No, no. I can get you a table for two. You guys just might have to wait for a while on your food, you know, entertain yourselves.” Perfect, she thought as a smile curved into place. Kevin grabbed a couple menus from a wood podium situated inside the doorway and motioned for her to follow with a wave and a friendly smile. She followed Kevin through the bustling restaurant, weaving through groups of tables shoved together to serve the mass of boisterous and jolly patrons until they found themselves situated in a small, intimate corner of the building with dim blue lights and a view of the strange restaurant, it’s walls adorned with Litsey 15 wacky abstract, cubist, and surrealist paintings and the lights housed in bizarre glass fixtures of every color in the spectrum that painted the room in a splattering of vib rant euphoria. Kevin gestured with a slight bow towards a high - backed booth whose panels had ornate images carved into them. Angelica slid onto one of the leather - covered cushions, firm with newness. Looking at the table , she cou ld see that underneath its transparent plastic covering were pages from nautical journals, marine biology textbooks, fishing magazines, posters of boats and shark movies, and crudely shaded children’s coloring books pages of cartoonish oceanic life. She lo oked around at the specifical of it all as Kevin slide two menus on the plastic - surfaced table, one in front of her, and one situated for the “friend” who would soon be arriving. Then her phone buzzed once more, and once more, panic shot through her body. She opened the date app and she believed in that moment her heart would stop. HERE! <3 Angelica looked around frantically, trying to remember the twists and turns she traversed as Kevin had led her to the booth. Her hands shaking, she set her phone down and tried to breathe. It was all happening now. There was no backing out now. She would pass them on the way out if she tried to bolt. There was always the emergency exit but causing a scene like that was sure to get her noticed by her date. Were they walking in now? Had she already spotted them? Had they seen her? She looked towards the entrance, although a wall obscured the doors. The roar of the room and its vivid colors of its décor hardly registered to Angelica as she locked eyes on her date Thi s was the moment, both fearful and electrifying, she had been battling with for months Litsey 16 Then, vibrance rushed back in. Kevin walked around the corner with a new guest, and then Angelica felt a wave of calm blanket her. Angelica was certain she set her preferences to her desires: men, around her age, not far from her, preferably not living with their parents, and preferably Christian. Which is why when Leslie popped up two weeks prior , it came as a bit of a shock. Her initial response was to swipe lef t , but as her finger traced along the screen, sliding over the mystery woman’s cheek, Angelica felt somethin g spark in her brain ; she opened their profile. Leslie was twenty - eight, and as she read through the profile and start to admire the younger woma n, Angelica began to feel guilt over the slew of insults she had battered over her husband regarding his young lover; however, this age separation was the least intriguing aspect of the woman who had appeared on the s creen . Le slie was a doctoral student finishing up her last year in school and was anxious to begin her own research into mental health. She collected rocks and crystals, listened to hardcore and pop - punk bands that sounded nothing like contemporary Christian and country acts that filled the F razier vehicles, and her hair was a different flashy color in every single photo on her dating profile. Leslie could not have seemed any more foreign to Angelica , and her wild idiosyncrasies made her stand out against the conserved people she had built h er life around , but something had made her swipe on Angelica’s profile, and now she was faced with a question she would have never guessed she would be asking in her kitchen table at seven in the morning while her kids ate the fresh yogurt and fruit Allen had prepared for them: was she seriously attracted to a woman? Sure, it wasn’t like a gunshot attraction, but there was an alluring quality to this woman’s rosy cheeks and every word of her profile exuded a confidence and charming wit than Angelica was ins tantly struck with. Litsey 17 She continued to open the app and stare at the photo s throughout the day , lingerin g with an obsessive itch she could only categorize as a crush. Still, she did not like the profile back or repl y I’m not a lesbian or bi. This is insan e , she thought over and over , but she could not shake the images of Leslie and her brightly colored hair . By day ’ s end , long after the students had been sent home from Lucas H ig h , she was still torn between the idea of liking this stranger or being uneasy about the prospect Angelica and her husband were plent y progressive compared to some of their counterparts in Lucas, but supporting and being are two diffe rent things , and Angelica had never thoug ht of a woman in any romantic sense Yet , this singular , raging, thought - consuming passion now burned , and she made the bold decision of sending Leslie a brief message introducing herself. No more second guessing. No more doubt. This was i t. Now here she was, standing in the middle of this absurd restaurant with striking sapphire hair, a red peacoat, black shredded jeans and black flats. Her head jerked around; eyes arrowed in an inquisitive gaze as Kevin lead her through the restaurant. A few steps into the lively dining room, and their eyes met. Leslie’s shot open as if she had stepped on a tack, followed by a small shriek of spontaneous excitement that could faintly be heard over the large families yelling across their tables. Finding a gap, Leslie rushed around Kevin with her arms held wide. Angelica rose to greet her date, put another bout of panic struck her and her arms stayed nailed to her said as her eyes widened. As Leslie reached her, she threw her arms around the stunned woman, and at once, all the heated stress that lurked in her frame cooled in the embrace She raised her arms and wrapped them around her date. The two exchanged awkward, fumbled greetings before sliding across from each other into the booth, nerv ously laughing and glancing up at each other from the menus, neither of them speaking for an uncomfortably long time. Leslie was the first to break the silence, commenting Litsey 18 on the restaurant and its unconventionalities , and after discussing what they would be eating, they settled into conversation with each other. “So, I know we t alked a little bit about each other online . Y ou said you and your husband were trying out being poly.” Leslie’s inflection implied this was more a probing questi on. “Oh yes, only since spring actually.” “Got ya. What made you guys want to give it a shot?” Angelica paused, her eyes widening. “Well — um — that’s a long story.” Leslie leaned halfway across the table on her elbows with a sly little smile on her face. “Good thing we have time then,” she whispered before leaning back into the booth. “You tell me your story and then I’ll tell mine. Promise.” Angelica took a deep breath and explained the long story, Leslie sitting and nodding with a serious and eng aged look on her brow . We she had finished her explanation of her rocky path to poly, she looked down at the table. There was silence as the waiter brought them their bread and drinks, informing them they would be taking their order in just a few minutes, please and thank you included. When he walked away, Angelica looked back up nervously , unsure of what to expect out of the date now that this bomb had gone off in the middle of it “Wow, that’s a pretty crazy story. I just want to know one thing.” “W hat’s that?” “How are you doing? With all of it” Litsey 19 Angelica was taken aback. Allen would occasionally ask how she was, but besides that, she had had no outlet to express her disillusionment “Not well, but I’m trying.” Leslie reached across the table and grabbed her hand. Angelica flipped her hand over and squeezed tightly around the one comforting her. She should have felt awkward, holding another woman’s hand in the middle of a cro wded restaurant in front of everyone. But as comfort swept through her like a tsunami, she let herself be washed away in the moment. She no longer was anxious about who saw her or what they would think. All that mattered was this. The two held each other quietly as the room roared around them. Finally, Leslie shattered the speechless serenity, sliding her hand away and saying, “You’re really strong for staying. Not everyone does. You would have been strong for leaving too . They’re different kinds of strength.” “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.” Leslie looked down at the tabled and fiddled with the trash from a paper encased straw for a few moments. “I was — uh — the cheater at one point.” Angelica sat straight up in the booth, feeling the ridges of her spine touching the dense wooden boards. “Oh. Wha — what happened?” “Well, when I first started exploring non - monogamy, I was seeing this guy. We both weren’t really compatible, and we should have just broken up, because we ended up just doing that anyway. He was really toxic, not very kind or fair to me, but even through all of that, we still talked, because I loved his dumb ass. “ Fast forward a few years, and I’m dating Martha — ” “Oh, that’s your wife, right?” Litsey 20 “Ye ah . We were dating , and we were in an open relationship , both of us having started in our last relationships We were more experienced and we were more open and willing to explore and to allow each other freedom to do so, b ut we had a few boundaries ; most people do. One of Martha’s was that I couldn’t see my ex. She didn’t even like me texting him . She knew how much control he had over me. H — how weak I could be around him. She didn’t want me to get hurt and she didn’t want me brining him in our l ives like that. ” “What happened? “She was right. I am weak when it comes to him. I started saying I was studying with friends or had to work Master’s stuff , but he and I would be getting hotel rooms or going at it in one of our cars like children. And it was childish . I was obsessed. I didn’t even like him all that much anymore. I just needed him to fuck me. I still don’t know why I did it. It’s not like I got anything out of it other than sex and I can’t count how many times I lied to Martha about it. ” “How did your wife find out?” Angelica had settled down, drawn into the story , leaning in on her forearms so Leslie wouldn’t need to speak as loudly , trying to covertly take in the information of infidelity so the largely pious patron s could not overhear, but also doing so in order to better take in the information being presented to her. “I asked to her to grab my phone one day, not thinking, and she saw I had a new message from him. She asked me why he would be messaging me. I want ed to lie, but I just broke down sobbing . Told her I had been cheating on her for nearly a year. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have called the whole mess off if she hadn’t caught me. ” “Jesus,” Angelica whispered. Allen’s period of infidelity had been brief; his guilt had ate at him too much to continue. But this woman had been able to lie to her partner for years and