Complicated White Man INT. HOSPITAL - EARLY MORNING CLOSE ON: An ominously empty blood bag. It's taunting. A nurse examines a patient's horrifically bruised arm. The blood vessels are completely destroyed. The nurse checks the other arm. An ungodly amount of track marks. The needle pierces the skin with ease. It's home. The patient squeezes a ball. Nothing happens. It's like there's no blood left. The patient takes out a photo. CLOSE ON PHOTO: A wedding picture of an ecstatic BRIDE/GROOM and an impossibly annoyed TEENAGE BOY. The patient squeezes the ball. Blood begins to trickle out. PULL BACK TO REVEAL: A sign that reads "KINGMAN PLASMA CENTER." Concerned nurses whisper to each other. Despite a GROUCHO MARX DISGUISE complete with fake mustache/cigar, we recognize the patient as the GROOM. Sickly and frail, he stays focused on the wedding photo as blood he desperately needs leaves his body. He smiles. This is BRENT BROWN, 44, titular. INT. SUBURBAN HOME - KINGMAN, ARIZONA - MORNING Lived-in, ranch style home. 4 bed/2.5 Bath. Complete with vaulted ceilings, skylight, and TWO STARTER CORPSES LISA BROWN, 39, surveys the bodies. The BRIDE from the photo, Lisa's as attractive as this description is reductive. LISA What are we looking at? NOLAN NELSON, 42, asshole, mansplains the crime scene. NOLAN They're both dead. She waits for him to elaborate. He SIGHS. Chicks. NOLAN (CONT'D) Keith and Joanie Fletcher. They own the new Aeropostale downtown. LISA That clothing store for teens? He defensively closes his jacket, hiding an Aeropostale polo. NOLAN ...And adults who fuck hard. LISA Owners of two different teen clothing retailers murdered in the same week... NOLAN You think this was the work of the Abercrombie Assasin ? LISA It's a theory. Survivor? NOLAN Bedroom. He's not doing well. Your guy was supposed to be here for him- --Brent ENTERS. He STUMBLES through caution tape and FAINTS DIRECTLY ON THE CORPSES. He quickly regains consciousness. BRENT Sorry I'm late. Struggling to his feet like an upside down turtle, Brent contaminates the crime scene as much as possible. BRENT (CONT'D) Where's the little guy? LISA Bedroom. He's pretty shaken up. Brent compassionately nods and heads down the hallway. INT. BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS CLOSE ON: Brent sitting on the bed. He takes a DEEP BREATH. BRENT I'm sorry for your loss, buddy. I've been there. I lost family my too when I was around your age. My mom, dad, and older brother died... (conflicted pause) ...in a fire. I felt like things would never be okay again. But then something amazing happened. Brent's magnanimous smile could warm the two corpses. 2. BRENT (CONT'D) I married the most incredible woman. Now I've got a wife and teenage step-son! It took 37 years, but things are finally starting to feel okay again. He looks down hopefully at the survivor next to him. BRENT (CONT'D) You're a good boy. You'll find a new family. And when you do, you'll do whatever it takes to keep them. QUICK FLASH: AT KINGMAN PLASMA CENTER, Groucho Brent, barely able to stand, accepts his payment. A CRISP $20 BILL. BACK TO SCENE BRENT (CONT'D) Whatever it takes... PULL BACK TO REVEAL: Brent sitting next to an extremely confused YORKSHIRE TERRIER. EXT. SUBURBAN HOME - MORNING Dog in hand, Brent gets strange looks as he passes cops/paramedics. He stops at a KINGMAN ANIMAL CONTROL truck. Lisa catches up. She studies the nervous, fidgeting terrier. LISA How's he doing? BRENT Rough. But I was able to get him to the bargaining stage of grief. Brent gives the dog a toy bone and it immediately calms down. He looks to his wife with unwavering belief. BRENT (CONT'D) And he can sleep tonight knowing he's got the best homicide detective in the world on the case. Lisa's touched by his support. She looks at the terrier now ASLEEP in Brent's arms. It melts her heart. Her worried eyes move from the dog to her frail, exhausted husband. One of them looks like they need to be euthanized. 3. LISA I'm worried about you, sweetheart. You've been working yourself ragged. If this is about the Lexus, we can always take it back. BRENT No! You deserve a Lexus! Besides, it was an anniversary present. LISA Most guys don't get their wives presents for their three month anniversary... BRENT Most guys never had wives like you. Just me... (ruining the moment) ...And the four guys you were married to before me. He gives her a kiss. BRENT (CONT'D) I gotta go grab a last minute gift for Eddie's party. When I woke him up at 3:32 A.M. to wish him Happy Birthday , he gave me a big 'ol pat on the back. It was hug adjacent! Lisa looks suspicious. This doesn't sound like her son. LISA Please don't go overboard with the gifts again. I know you want to win Eddie over but it takes time. One day he'll see all the things in you that I do. And when he does, we'll be the perfect family. Forever. Brent gets lost in a beautiful daydream. Then remembers. BRENT I've got to work to do. Love you. She hugs him, discreetly removing a SIGN TAPED TO HIS BACK. LISA I love you too, Bre-- --Before she can even get the words out, Brent PEELS OUT in his truck and SPEEDS OFF plowing through more CAUTION TAPE. 4. CLOSE ON: The SIGN from Brent's back: I LOVE ISIS. Lisa uneasily watches Brent's truck TOKYO DRIFT around a corner. INT. TEENAGER'S BEDROOM - MORNING A vault of video games. A fleet of flat screens. A heap of hoverboards. All the items are new . Many are unopened. The boy from Brent's wedding photo rises from his hyperbaric chamber bed. EDDIE NELSON, 17. Welcome to his crib. The walls are lined with posters of Rockabilly icon Brian Setzer. A ROBOT BUTLER enters with a covered serving tray. ROBOT BUTLER GOOD. MORNING. MASTER. EDDIE. HAPPY. HUMAN. DAY. OF. BIRTH. Eddie lifts the tray lid; a comb and hair grease. He styles his pompadour, quivers his lip, and does his best Elvis. EDDIE Thank you. Thank you very much. ROBOT BUTLER SHALL. WE. RECOMMENCE. ROLE. PLAYING. EXERCISE. NUMBER. 519? EDDIE Razz my berries. ROBOT BUTLER HELLO. EDDIE. I. AM. A. FEMALE. HUMAN. AGE. GROUP. TEEN. Eddie strikes a tough pose and manifests his malt shop mojo. EDDIE Say, pretty baby, what's buzzin' this Friday night? ROBOT BUTLER I. LACK. ANTHROPOID. PLANS. Eddie SIGHS. He's got almost everything. He takes a well-worn Hypnosis 101 textbook from his night stand and dives in. EXT. UPSCALE NEIGHBORHOOD HOME - MORNING Brent KNOCKS. A YAWNING MAN steps out. He sees the animal control uniform, rolls his eyes, and CALLS BACK INSIDE. 5. MAN HONEY, SCRUFFY GOT OUT AGAIN! BRENT Your dog is fine, sir. I'm going door to door in the neighborhood to raise money to send my teenage step- son to a very special camp. He hands the man a PAMPHLET FOR A ROCKABILLY FANTASY CAMP. MAN A Stray Cat Summer: The Ultimate Brian Setzer Fantasy Camp. This some kind of Make-A-Wish? BRENT They grant wishes for step-dads!? The man sympathetically starts reaching for his wallet. MAN What kind of cancer does your boy-- BRENT --Oh, he doesn't have cancer. Just a case of The Rockin' Pneumonia and The Boogie Woogie Flu. MAN You're going door to door raising money for your healthy, teenage step-son to go to a five thousand dollar Brian Setzer Fantasy Camp?! BRENT It's his birthday. I've already got him loads of great gifts But I have this weird feeling that... (strange trance) A Stray Cat Sumer is the key to his love. (snaps out of trance) I just need to raise the five hundred dollar deposit by the end of the day to-- --The man SLAMS the door on Brent. INT. APARTMENT, BEDROOM - MORNING JESSICA CONTRERAS, 17, aspiring delinquent, nervously reaches into a TERRARIUM HOUSING A MASSIVE STRIPED SNAKE. 6. JESSICA You're a criminal. You can do this. She lifts the snake, IT HISSES. She recoils with childlike fear. CHET McCHETTY, 21, naked, steps out of the bathroom. The Steve Jobs of scumbags, Chet encourages your college bound, crystal meth averse, teen daughter to think different. CHET ...What are you doing? JESSICA I'm...admiring your snake. Chet's disappointed she's talking about the terrarium. CHET Ridge nosed rattlesnake. I poached a whole den after the last monsoon. It's just like your inhibitions around me, gurl; endangered. Game. Chet. Match. He moves in for a kiss. She ducks away. JESSIA A drug dealer and animal trafficker?! You must be swimming in money... CHET Already sold the other snakes for eight grand a pop on the dark web. I'm drowning, boo. Be my buoy? Countering The Chet Offensive , Jessica CLUTCHES HER STOMACH. JESSICA Something doesn't feel right. (full of fear) Maybe I should get Plan B. CHET We barely kissed last night? JESSICA I know my body. Mortified, Chet OPENS A DRESSER DRAWER FULL OF CASH. Jessica eyes it longingly. She looks to the snake with shame. Chet hands her a $100 bill because chivalry isn't dead. 7. CHET Here. Take two. INT. RUE 21, SALES FLOOR - DAY Inside a clothing store, HOT TEEN GURL rummages through graphic tees featuring different puns using the word bae Behind the retail counter, Jessica stares at a computer. CLOSE ON JESSICA'S COMPUTER: A video called "Bookie Collects" featuring a SCREAMING MAN being ASSAULTED with a crow bar. HOT TEEN GURL ...What are you watching? SANTIAGO, 57, ENTERS. Covered in blood and the latest teen fashion, he looks like an El Chapo/Justin Bieber amalgam. He approaches Jessica angrily. They have a familiar lie-off. SANTIAGO You didn't come home last night. JESSICA Slumber party. Pillow fights. (off the blood) Where have you been? SANTIAGO ...Romper convention. JESSICA Why are you covered in blood? SANTIAGO The rompers were fierce. Jessica watches her father trudge to the stockroom. HOT TEEN GURL You're so lucky your dad owns this cool store. Not like my dad, the fuck boi social worker. CLOSE ON COMPUTER SCREEN: The man crawls desperately for his car keys only to have the bookie STOMP on his hand. Jessica's smile is interrupted by Hot Teen Gurl brandishing a shirt with a portrait of Fidel Castro that reads Bae of Pigs. HOT TEEN GURL (CONT'D) Do you have this in a onesie ? 8. INT. RUE 21, STOCKROOM - DAY As Santiago wipes blood from his neck, he defends his actions to HIS ELDERLY PET GILA MONSTER WEARING A FLORAL MAXI DRESS. SANTIAGO No one ever built a teen fashion empire without a little bloodshed. Jessica INVADES with the Bae of Pigs shirt. JESSICA I've got a lead on a big score. He smiles proudly at the shirt. SANTIAGO Yas Castro Queen! JESSICA Last night, I'm at this party and I overhear this asshole bragging to his friends about these snakes-- SANTIAGO --Are these snakes in the market for wide brim hats and jeggings ? JESSICA This guy has thousands of dollars and an endangered snake just begging to be taken! SANTIAGO Out of the question. JESSICA I think you are the only parent in the world who won't let his child join the family business. SANTIAGO Animal trafficking is not the family business anymore! That's over! I promised your mother, God rest her soul, that I'd send you into a field that has a more secure future; brick and mortar retail! JESSICA You're just saying that because women can't be crime lords. 9. SANTIAGO You aren't cut out to be a crime lord, Jessica. You've got your mother's heart. JESSICA But I have a criminal mind! (aiming for the heart) I got it from you, daddy... SANTIAGO Listen to me, mija . You will get your college degree and take over the most successful Rue 21 in all of Arizona. You will live a happy, normal life. I'm making sure of it. Jessica wriggles out of her father's loving embrace. SANTIAGO (CONT'D) Isn't it time for your meeting? Setting her teen angst to stun, Jessica storms out. Santiago turns to his high fashion gila and tries to convince himself. SANTIAGO (CONT'D) One day she'll thank us... INT. BIG BROTHERS/SISTERS FOUNDATION - DAY Jessica sits down in the lobby next to Brent. He reads the book " Step-son's's Are From Venus, Step-dad's Are From Mars." He looks up to the front desk, rocking back and forth like he's waiting to hear his name called at the methadone clinic. Jessica side eyes him. What IS this guy? Sees his uniform. JESSICA You some kind of cop? Brent flashes her a BADGE with a cat in a tree on it. BRENT Animal control. Nine Lives Matter. (beat) You volunteering? JESSICA My dad's making me. Says it'll look good on college applications. You? Before Brent can answer, he's CALLED to the front desk. 10. FRONT DESK WOMAN Brent Brown? For desired volunteer position, you're supposed to circle big brother or big sister. You wrote in little brother. BRENT Correct. FRONT DESK WOMAN Grown men can't be little brothers. He looks like he's about to cry and no one has time for that. FRONT DESK WOMAN (CONT'D) Whatever. There's a five dollar background check fee. Brent looks around nervously. His face fills with dread. BRENT ...What are you looking for in my background? FRONT DESK WOMAN Any sort of criminal history. He EXHALES and announces to the entire, disinterested lobby. BRENT Oh! No worries there! I don't want to dig into my step-son fund so I'll be paying with the plastic! He hands her a credit card. Crosses his fingers. She SWIPES. FRONT DESK WOMAN Your card has been declined, sir. Embarrassed, Brent hands her another card. She SWIPES. FRONT DESK WOMAN (CONT'D) Declined. He hands her another card. She SWIPES. Shakes her head. BRENT Must be a travel hold from my bank. I didn't warn them I was going all the way across town. As Brent continues digging for cards, someone SLAMS A FIVE DOLLAR BILL ON THE COUNTER. Brent looks up to find... 11. ...Jessica beaming at him like a winning lotto ticket. EXT. BIG BROTHERS/BIG SISTERS FOUNDATION - DAY Brent's in the middle of telling his life story as Jessica impatiently waits to make him the offer he can't refuse. BRENT --Honeymoon, Taiwanese robot butler, second honeymoon, Lexus, mortgage, reverse mortgage, inverse mortgage, transverse mortgage-- JESSICA --You're broke. I got it. How'd you like to change that? Shower your wife with gifts. Send your step-son to his Brian Dennehy Fantasy Camp Secure their love forever. BRENT I'd do anything! JESSICA I need you to help me seize an endangered snake from a poacher so I can sell it on the black market. Brent SIGHS. He would do anything for love/but he won't... BRENT ...Traffick animals? JESSICA Traffick is an ugly word. Think of it like an exotic adoption agency. BRENT Why do you need my help? JESSICA I'm...uhm...allergic to snakes. As her face turns red with embarrassment, Brent understands the real truth. He tries to comfort her. BRENT Hey! You know who else was afraid of snakes? Indiana Jones. And he-- JESSICA --Yea, thanks for the pep talk. Do you want to do it or not? 12. Brent agonizes. His plasma says yes but his heart says no BRENT Animals are the only ones who have ever truly accepted me. I can't. JESSICA They've kept you warm at night? Brent's entire body SHIVERS. Jessica hands him A CARD. JESSICA (CONT'D) Call me when you change your mind. She confidently walks off. Brent's PHONE RINGS. He answers. BRENT Hello? - INTERCUT - PHONE CONVERSATION Lisa frantically rushes around A MARBLE KITCHEN. LISA I'm worried about the party. BRENT I knew I should've hired that magician! He said he could make the word "step" completely vanish! LISA Not that. I sent out 50 invites to Eddie's friends and no one RSVP'ed. He's going to be crushed. (completely defeated) ...Can you pick up a bag of ice? Brent chooses to accept both missions. BRENT I'm on it. EXT. MINI-MART - DAY Brent approaches the entrance when he's accosted by a group of Maury Povich-style OUT OF CONTROL TEENS. OUT OF CONTROL TEEN #1 Hey man. Buy us a bottle? Brent ignores them before remembering his mission. 13. BRENT ...You guys know Eddie Nelson? OUT OF CONTROL TEEN #2 The weird kid who's in that gang with the school janitors? BRENT It's actually a Rockabilly Trio. (off their confusion) ...which is like a super gang. OUT OF CONTROL TEEN #3 Yea, we know him. Brent smiles. Time to strike a deal, step-dad style. INT. MINI-MART - DAY Brent, party savior, struts up to the counter. BRENT One bottle of MaCallan 18, please. CASHIER That'll be two hundred seventy- eight dollars. His jaw drops. He peers out at the potential party peers. EXT. MINI-MART - CONTINUOUS Bottle in hand, Brent SPRINTS OUT, YELLING to the teens. BRENT GET IN THE TRUCK! The party piles into the truck. Brent PEELS OUT and... ...SLAMS ON THE BRAKES. HE JUMPS OUT AND RACES BACK TO THE ENTRANCE TO GRAB TWO BAGS OF ICE. THE CASHIER BUSTS OUT. THE TEENS DRIVE AWAY. WITH A BAG OF ICE ON EACH SHOULDER, BRENT CHASES HIS TRUCK WHILE THE CASHIER CHASES HIM. EXT. BRENT'S HOUSE - DAY A picture-perfect, plush pad paid for by plasma. A RESTORED JUKEBOX and a FENDER TELECASTER float in the pool. 14. On the patio, a banner reads "Happy 17th Birthday, Eddie!" Seated next to a nervous Brent, Lisa reaches for a present. LISA Last one from your step-dad! She hands the present to Eddie who's flanked by his gang, school janitors RON and DON, 71. He RIPS the package open... ...a vintage leather jacket . He was expecting something else. BRENT That's the actual jacket The Fonz wore on Happy Days ! I bought it from Gary Marshall's estate! Eddie SIGHS. Ron and Don voice their disapproval to Brent. RON Totally not boss! DON Get hep, nerd! EDDIE --Thanks, Trent. BRENT Actually, it's Br-- --Before Brent can correct his step-son, Eddie sends the jacket SPLASHING into the pool next to the jukebox/guitar. Brent's heart breaks in real time. Lisa feels awful. Before she can intervene, her demon son YELLS with childlike wonder. EDDIE DADDY-O ! Thinking this is the moment , Brent perks up. He's crushed to see...NOLAN RACING UP WITH A GUN. NOLAN I GOT A CALL THAT THERE'S AN OFFICER DOWN AT THIS LOCATI-- LISA --You mean you came for your son's birthday party?! How nice! Brent gave Eddie some very thoughtful gifts and brought his friends over. Completely ignoring the festivities, the OUT OF CONTROL TEENS, sip MaCallan 18 out of glass snifters. They're in awe. OUT OF CONTROL TEEN #1 This nose is straight silk! 15. Annoyed, Nolan digs through his pockets for anything . He finds some PAPERWORK. He presents it to an eager Eddie. NOLAN Happy birthday, kid. I got you this disciplinary write up for excessive use of force. EDDIE Wow! Third final warning! To Brent's dismay, Ron and Don give this gift two thumbs up. RON Aaayyy! DON Daddy-o does it again! Eddie hugs Nolan who looks like he needs an EpiPen LISA You know, your son has a new, little girlfriend. Are we going to get to meet her today, Eddie? Playing it cool, Eddie SHRUGS. Which girlfriend? LISA (CONT'D) I just hope she makes it here before your band plays! Nolan GRUMBLES. He'd have much preferred the officer down. EXT. BRENT'S HOUSE - LATER On a makeshift stage, Lisa approaches a microphone. LISA It's my pleasure to introduce the birthday boy! Get ready to rock with Slick Eddie and The Mop Up's! Nolan GROANS FEROCIOUSLY. The band take their positions. Ron on guitar. Don on drums. Eddie on upright bass/vocals. They launch into a SWINGING ROCKABILLY JAM. It's awful. To everyone except Brent who does the step-dad stanky leg. EDDIE This cat's on a hot tin roof/drinkin' dat whiskey/96 proof! Now drunk, the out of control teens instinctively start bullying. THEY PELT EDDIE, RON, AND DON WITH BIRTHDAY CAKE. 16. Ron and Don hobble off. As the teens approach, Eddie stands his ground. He pulls out a SWITCHBLADE, POPS IT OPEN... ...to reveal it's actually a COMB. He starts combing his hair/dancing like Danny Zuko. The teens RUSH the stage. EXT. BRENT'S HOUSE - LATER From the stage, Brent watches helplessly as Lisa HANDCUFFS the teens while Nolan discreetly LOW FIVES them. COVERED IN CAKE, Eddie sees Brent. He summons FAKE TEARS. EDDIE --You ruined my birthday, Kent! It's not over yet but I'm in the camp of you never being able to make this up to me! It would take something out of a fantasy! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm parched! Eddie POPS open a can of Seltzer Water. He faces the label towards Brent. The "L" in "Seltzer" has been crossed out. Eddie leaves a broken Brent all alone on stage. You hate me. You REALLY REALLY hate me. Brent pulls out THE CARD. CLOSE ON CARD: Jessica Contreras, Rue 21 Style Consultant. I Rue. DO YOU??!! Brent DIALS the number. The call is accepted. He puts the phone to his mouth and makes the only logical choice. BRENT ..I Rue. INT. CHET'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - DAY Wearing a BAGGY HOODIE, Jessica enters behind Chet. CHET I didn't see a purse anywhere. She pretends to look around. JESSICA Yea, I probably left it-- --She CLUTCHES HER STOMACH in agony. JESSICA (CONT'D) It's happening. 17. CHET What's happening?! JESSICA The Plan B is kicking in! This fetus is coming out now! Chet looks at her strangely. This doesn't sound like how Plan B works but he's also never read the back of the box. CHET I'll go get some old newspapers! He RUSHES out of the room. Jessica waits for a second and pulls a LARGE PURSE from underneath her hoodie She OPENS THE DRESSER DRAWER and smiles down proudly at the STACKS OF MONEY. The felonious future is female. INT. CHET'S APARTMENT, HALLWAY - MOMENTS LATER Puppy birthing supplies in hand, Chet BUMPS into Jessica as she steps out of the bedroom. CHET Are you okay? She takes an exaggerated DEEP BREATH. JESSICA It's over now. He suspiciously eyes her EXTREMELY STUFFED PURSE. CHET I see you found your purse... Chet motions like he wants to look inside. JESSICA You don't want to see what's inside of there. Trust me. He chokes back vomit. INT. JESSICA'S CAR - DAY Jessica SPEEDS AWAY with her purse riding shotgun. She DIALS 911. An AUTOMATED VOICE blasts through her car speakers. 18. AUTOMATED VOICE Thank you for calling Kingman's new automated 9-1-1 emergency line! If you are currently being held hostage, PRESS 1. If you are in a relationship with someone currently being held hostage, PRESS 2. If it's complicated with someone currently being held hostage-- --She impatiently DRUMS HER FINGERS on the steering wheel. INT. CHET'S APARTMENT, BEDROOM - DAY At his desk, Chet does Plan B research on his computer. CHET I knew that's not how it works! Chet has a bad thought. He opens the DRESSER DRAWER. Empty. CHET (CONT'D) That bitch is dead. NOLAN KICKS DOWN THE DOOR. POINTS HIS GUN AT CHET. NOLAN POLICE! We got a 9-1-1 call that someone was in a civil union with a hostage being held at this address! (fixes his hair) ... it was from a chick. CHET Look man, you don't understand! I've been robbed! This is a set up! Nolan completely dismisses this. He spots a POSTER on Chet's wall of a YOGA BRO and the caption Namaste Schemin' NOLAN Where's the girl, yoga boy?! CHET Yoga boy? Oh. That poster's a joke. NOLAN Tree pose! Now! Let me see those branches, asshole! CHET ...What?! 19.