The Journal of Individual Psychology, Vol. 77, No. 2, Summer 2021 © 2021 by the University of Texas Press Editorial office located in the College of Arts and Sciences at Lynn University. Published for the North American Society of Adlerian Psychology. The Crucial Cs and Coparenting After a Divorce: Transitioning from the Love Task to the Social Task Inna Pavlova Rosenfeld Abstract There is a connection between the psychological needs of human beings and all ar- eas of human functioning. According to Alfred Adler, there are three life tasks—love, social, and work—in which the individual seeks fulfillment and balance in order to function fully. The challenges exist when individuals transition from one task to another. More specifically, there are particular challenges encountered by individu- als in a family during divorce. This case analysis tracks the transition from one task to another during such a time and discusses the effectiveness of a specific Adlerian framework, the Crucial Cs, as it relates to this transition. The goal is to show how a shift in focus can help in healing individuals going through the divorce and the transi- tion of life tasks and roles. The case analysis concludes that such a shift benefits all individuals involved and makes the transition much easier to handle. Keywords: Alfred Adler, Rudolf Dreikurs, life tasks, social interest, Crucial Cs, cooperation, coparenting, divorce, growth, courage, encouragement Drs. Betty Lou Bettner, a professor of Adlerian Individual Psychology at Holy Family University, and Amy Lew originated the concept of the Crucial Cs. It has been frequently emphasized that this is not a new Bettner and Lew theory, because they did not invent the concept(s), but they did trans- late Adler’s work into a simpler and easier-to-remember formula that can be taught to anyone—children, parents, teachers, couples, therapists—anyone who is willing to learn about the psychological needs with which each and every human being is born (Bettner & Lew, 1989). Alfred Adler identified four basic needs as the need to belong, the need to improve, the need to be significant, and the need to be resilient (Adler & Deutsch, 1959). Bettner and Lew organized these in a very neat, memorable fashion (Bettner & Lew, 1989), translating them as follows: • The need to belong was changed to connect • The need to improve was changed to capable • The need to be significant was changed to count • The need to be resilient was changed to courage These fundamental psychological needs must be fulfilled in every area of human functioning in order to have balanced, healthy, and successful Crucial Cs and Coparenting 205 relationships with coworkers, with family and friends, and with one’s inti- mate partner. Adler called these three life tasks occupational/work, social/ community, and love/intimacy (Ansbacher & Ansbacher, 1956). Bettner, during her ICASSI lectures and workshops in Slovakia (2016), the United States (2017), Germany (2018), Romania (2019), and at Virtual ICASSI (2020), underscores the importance of getting and giving the Crucial Cs at any age in any environment (at work, in social circles, in intimate relationships) (Bettner, 2016). The Crucial Cs should be discussed with ev- ery client and every family who comes into the office with questions and relationship challenges. Parents of “misbehaving” kids, professionals in challenging work environments, couples in turbulent relationships—all can benefit from understanding their need to connect to the level of fulfillment they feel in life. To successfully complete the occupational task, one must feel • connected—to coworkers and belong in the workplace • capable—to do the work and grow professionally • count—can contribute and can make a difference • courage—to handle the job and everything that comes with it To successfully complete the social task, one must • have strong and kind connections with family members and friends • be capable to create healthy boundaries and can manage • count, feel included, play significant role, can contribute • have the courage to handle challenges that life presents To successfully complete the love task, one must • belong with and be connected to this person in relationship • be capable to grow in this relationship • count, be valued, and contribute to this relationship • have the courage to be vulnerable and imperfect Belonging is the first and the most essential need that every human being has, regardless of age, occupation, socioeconomic, or relationship status (Bettner, 2019). If the need for connection is fulfilled constructively, it provides the basis for the other Crucial Cs to follow. If the person feels belonging, then he or she is more likely to feel capable of participating and improving. Belonging makes it more likely that one feels valued and so is willing to contribute. Belonging enhances the courage to face any life challenges (Bettner, 2006). Having all four Crucial Cs fulfilled constructively provides the foun- dation and a chance to develop Gemeinschaftsgefühl , or social interest or community feeling (Griffith & Powers, 2007), which, according to Adler (1964), is required for the mental health and internal happiness of each hu- man being on this planet. 206 Inna Pavlova Rosenfeld The three life tasks can overlap. We can make friends at work and main- tain friendships after we change jobs. We can meet life/love partners or spouses at workplaces or in our social circles. Statistically, many couples meet at work (Bettner, 2014). In fulfilling each life task, most people have some choice about their jobs, their friends, and their life partners. No one has a choice about their parents and kids. They are given to us. Therefore, we must find effective ways to relate to them. In finding these ways, we do have choices and free will. What happens if one of the life tasks is compro- mised? For example, in the divorce situation, the love task is no longer rel- evant because all the Crucial Cs are missing. When a couple goes through divorce, they feel: • disconnected, which can manifest in phrases like “We do not belong together anymore” • unable, which can manifest in phrases like “We cannot do this anymore” • discounted, which can manifest in phrases like “I (you) do not matter” • inferior, which can manifest in phrases like “We failed as a couple and it is all your fault!” People often become bitter. They do not trust each other; they point fingers and blame each other. Every conversation turns into confrontation. Competition between ex-spouses begins. Both are stuck in hating each other. Both manipulate the system to hurt each other. Children end up in the middle of a metaphorical war zone. Parents turn kids into little spies in the war, as each side uses children as tools to hurt each other. They see the end of their intimate connection as the end of all the ties they have. Ex-spouses forget that, with divorce, relationships do not end; rather, they transform into different types of relationships. That transformation from the love task to the social task of coparenting seems to be the most challenging in cases of divorce. Very rarely do ex-spouses see that there is an opportu- nity for personal growth for each partner, even after failed marriages. But if they find the way to switch from competition to cooperation, the children benefit tremendously. According to Alfred Adler (1964), all problems in life are within the so- cial context: they are the problems of humans not getting along, not being able to cooperate. There is an adorable cartoon by an unknown artist that describes the benefits of cooperation over competition. In it, two donkeys are tied to each other by a rope. Each is trying to pull the other in its direc- tion, toward its own individual goal, failing, and becoming frustrated. After a while, they decide to cooperate, and both achieve their goals, which only seemed different. In reality, they shared the same desire and the same goal— to satisfy their hunger by eating. It is interesting that the word “donkey” ( hamor in Hebrew) has the same root as the word “homer”—the “material Crucial Cs and Coparenting 207 stuff,” that which we are made of: the desire to satisfy our metaphorical hun- ger, our ego, the desire to receive just for ourselves. If we learn how to work with it, how to make donkeys cooperate, all hunger will be satisfied. Figure 1. Competition vs. cooperation. By Tamila Romanov, based on an original image by unknown creator/s. 208 Inna Pavlova Rosenfeld This cartoon is handed out to every couple and to every family that comes to work on their communication and cooperation issues. They are then asked to put it on their refrigerator so everyone can see and be re- minded about the benefits of cooperation. Of course, some skeptics may say: “Keep dreaming; people who hate each other will never cooperate! They may spend their lives paying attention only to their own needs in the power struggles, trying to get revenge or avoid- ing each other!” Not cooperating is, in fact, a mistaken goal. These mistaken goals were outlined by Rudolph Dreikurs in his book Children: The Challenge (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1965), and they result in misbehavior. They are the out- come of being discouraged about feeling connected, capable, and counted; in other words, the absence of the Crucial Cs leads individuals to misalign their goals and, as a result, misbehave. Table 1 describes what happens when people are discouraged about feeling the Cs (Bettner & Lew, 1989). This is what is happening with families that go through troubles with custody, as there are two different households, and coparenting issues arise after divorce because the Crucial Cs are missing. After a divorce, it is pos- sible to achieve cooperation in coparenting, but it is very difficult. It takes a lot of time, internal work, and effort on behalf of both sides. They must be willing to pay attention to the children’s needs first, to put the children’s needs and interest above their own agenda (Jessup & Baldwin, 2014). Couples who come in willingly and acquire the information about the Crucial Cs can begin to better understand themselves and their children. They can understand their mistaken goals and correct them and even de- velop common parenting goals. The benefits for the children are evident: the children’s anxiety is reduced, sometimes even eliminated, and divorce- related problems with eating, sleeping, and concentrating diminish. The ability of the parents to get along after divorce teaches children conflict resolution and problem solving, by example (Jessup & Baldwin, 2014). Coparenting sessions can be conducted by the counselor in different ways; both parties are not required to be present in the same room at the Table 1 Missing Crucial Cs, Resulting Feelings, and Goals Missing Crucial Cs Feelings Goals of Behavior Connect Disconnected, isolated Attention to self Capable Unable, inadequate Power struggles Count Discounted, unnecessary Revenge Courage Inferior Avoidance of failure Crucial Cs and Coparenting 209 same time. Besides the Crucial Cs, parents learn about different styles of parenting (Baumrind, 1967). Using early recollections, the counselor can identify the style of parenting each adult grew up with. Parents can rec- ognize their own approach to parenting and what they brought from the childhood into their present situation (Walton, 1998). In cases where both parties choose to attend together, the following ground rules are discussed and agreed upon before parental education takes place: No physical violence No blaming or pointing fingers No name calling Mutual respect and equality These concepts are revisited whenever necessary and are practiced dur- ing every session to the best ability of the individuals participating in the process (Adlerian Parenting Education Program, 2017). The biggest chal- lenge is to reestablish the broken connection between ex-spouses. It must be a new level of connection, above their hate and resentment toward each other. They must transform the commitment to a totally new level—the commitment to their children. Clients are encouraged to restore the ruined Crucial Cs, based on holistic Adlerian principles (Bettner, 2014). Table 2 names several strategies that can be used in therapy to reach the goal of bet- ter coparenting. Constant encouragement stimulates clients to attempt what was previ- ously felt as impossible. The growth of confidence and gratification leads to a greater ability to cooperate (Watts, 2017). How to get there? The goal of this process is for the parents to be able to establish and possibly enjoy this Table 2 Strategies for the Missing Crucial Cs Missing Crucial Cs Strategies Connect Develop understanding of deeper levels of connectedness and interdependence Capable Overcome feelings of insecurity, gather confidence and arrive at the mutual decision to move forward Count Redirect striving for significance into more socially beneficial directions based on mutual respect Courage Replace exaggerated self-protection, self- enhancement, and self-indulgence with courageous social contribution 210 Inna Pavlova Rosenfeld new partnership, cooperating for the benefit of their children. This journey includes seven steps or stages of understanding: 1. “I cannot even look at you” 2. “I don’t like you” 3. “I don’t have to like you” 4. “I need to accept we are in it together” 5. “I need to find the way to cooperate” 6. “I have to keep the kids’ interest first in mind” 7. “I have got your back” Instead of facing each other and arguing, parents sit back to back, look- ing at pictures of their children and discussing only the kids’ business, ar- riving at agreements through negotiation and compromise. Parents learn about the three styles of parenting: permissive, autocratic, and democratic (Baumrind, 1967) and about family meetings and how to conduct them (Bettner & Lew, 1989). The permissive style of parenting has few behavioral expectations for children, too few rules, and too little guidance. Parents are nurturing and warm but place very few demands on the kids and are reluctant to impose limits. The permissive style can be described as “Freedom! No rules” and is also known as “the indulgent” or “laissez-faire” parenting style. The autocratic style is strict, with very little dialogue between parent and child. Conformity and compliance are valued; respect of parent is im- portant; children are expected to follow rules and directions without discus- sion. This style can be described as “Rules! No freedom” and is also known as “authoritarian.” The democratic style is best for children because it is balanced. Parents seek to understand their kids’ feelings and encourage children to be inde- pendent while giving kind and firm limits. Parents help children find appro- priate outlets to solve problems through dialogue and discussion, kindness, and fairness. This style can be described as “freedom with rules” and is also known as “authoritative.” The parents learn that, according to Rudolf Dreikurs, when children are allowed to help make decisions, they tend to be much more supportive and happier, and when they are allowed to help make rules, they will follow them much closer than if rules are forced on them (Dreikurs & Soltz, 1965). The parents learn that parenting with the democratic style during a weekly family meeting provides kids with all four Crucial Cs “in one shot”: • Connect—belonging and communication • Capable—ability and responsibility • Count—value, role, inclusion, and contribution • Courage—confidence and emotional endurance Crucial Cs and Coparenting 211 Everyone is included. Discussion and dialogue take place. Everyone has a chance to speak and to be heard. Kids learn to give compliments, make choices, negotiate, compromise, and reach agreements (Bettner & Lew, 1989). Both households can do their own separate family meetings, exchange ideas, be on the same page, and “vibrate on the same frequency.” It takes a lot of internal effort and commitment from both sides to continue this dance for at least 18 years, when kids become legally responsible for their own choices. Case Study Barb, 35, and Bob, 39, have been divorced for 3 years. They have two children: Linda, 10, and Mark, 8. Both children attend the same private school and are straight-A students. Bob recently remarried a woman who has a child from her previous marriage. Barb is dating a divorced man with two kids. She moved in with him 6 months earlier. (All names have been changed to protect the identity of the individuals involved.) The custody agreement is 50–50, which means the children switch households every two days. Parents communicate with each other via a des- ignated mobile platform so that every message is recorded and saved in the court system. Barb had a Protection From Abuse (PFA) order against Bob the previous year for breaking her finger. The children were brought for counseling because Linda was acting out and crying a lot. Mark has a bed-wetting problem. Below are excerpts from multiple, continuous sessions with the children: Linda: I wanted to dye my hair green for a Halloween party. Mom took me to her hairdresser, and it turned out a super bright green color. Dad freaked out when he saw me. He was very upset with me and Mom. He said I am too young to dye my hair and that Mom was wrong in doing this without asking his permission. He also asked me a lot of questions about Mom’s new boyfriend. Mark: My friend invited me to sleep over at his house. I asked Dad and he said no because he planned a cookout in the park with his new wife and her kid. When Mom learned that I did not go to the sleepover, she was very upset. She yelled at Dad, and they had a huge fight. Also, one time I forgot my sneakers at Mom’s house. I needed them for my gym class, but I forgot and was not allowed to play basketball. Dad was super mad at Mom for not checking to make sure the sneakers were there. Questions have to be asked about Barb, Bob, and their parenting styles. More specifically: • What is the style of parenting in Barb’s home? • What is the style of parenting in Bob’s home? 212 Inna Pavlova Rosenfeld • Are the styles competing or cooperating? • Have they transformed their relationship into partners in parenting? • What Crucial Cs are missing in their relationship? • Do they need all four Cs to coparent? • Where to begin? Barb and Bob were not attending therapy willingly but out of a fear of the court and with the intention to manipulate the system to prove each other wrong. There was a history of physical violence and verbal abuse be- tween them because of marital infidelities. There was no trust or respect. Six sessions were conducted separately, and three sessions were joint sitting back-to-back. They began with the “I cannot even look at you” stage, and through the application of the cooperating model described throughout the article, they reached the level of “I need to accept we are in it together” by the last session. Conclusion Divorced couples can learn not only how to think about self-interest, consider the feelings of another person, make efforts to forgive, let go and overcome personal bitterness, and try to see another person’s point of view but also to hear what they have to say and respect their choices. In other words, they can learn how to act with social interest ( Gemeinschaftsgefühl ), which, according to Adler, guarantees mental health and fulfillment in life. Ex-partners are capable of postdivorce growth when transitioning from the love task to the social task of coparenting and cooperation when applying the Crucial Cs and practicing weekly family meetings. References Adler, A. (1964). Social interest: A challenge of mankind . Capricorn. Adler, K. A., & Deutsch, D. (1959). Essays in Individual Psychology: Con- temporary application of Alfred Adler’s theories . Grove Press. Adlerian Parenting Education Program. (2017). Home . https://www.adler pedia.org/ Ansbacher, H. L., & Ansbacher, R. R. (Eds.). (1956). The Individual Psychol- ogy of Alfred Adler . Basic Books. Baumrind, D. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of pre- school behavior. Genetic Psychology Monographs, 75 (1), 43–88. Bettner, B. L. (2006). The “creative force”: How children create their person- alities . Creative Press. Crucial Cs and Coparenting 213 Bettner, B. L. (2014). The six essential pieces of the parenting puzzle . Cre- ative Press. Bettner, B. L. (2016). Home . https://www.icassi.net/ Bettner, B. L. (2019). Raising kids who care about others . Creative Press. Bettner, B. L., & Lew, A. (1989). Raising kids who can become responsible, self-reliant, resilient, contributing adults and how to use family meet- ings to make it happen . Connexions Press. Dreikurs, R., & Soltz, V. (1965). Children: The challenge . Duell, Sloan and Pearce. Griffith, J., & Powers, R. L. (2007). The lexicon of Adlerian psychology (2nd ed.). Adlerian Psychology Associates. Jessup, L. E., & Baldwin, E. L. (2014). Parenting with courage and uncom- mon sense . Parent Encouragement Program. Walton, F. X. (1998). Use of the most memorable observation as a technique for understanding choice of parenting style. The Journal of Individual Psychology, 54 , 487–494. Watts, R. E. (2017). Therapy as the river [Webinar]. https://www.adlerpedia .org/ Inna Pavlova Rosenfeld, Board Certified LPC, is founder of GOOD Counsel- ing LLC in Huntingdon Valley, PA. She holds BAs from Kiev State Pedagogi- cal University and Kiev Linguistic University. She completed a rabbinical training program at World Union for Progressive Judaism and has an MS in counseling psychology from Holy Family University. Her professional affiliations include IAHCP, ACA, IAMFT, ICASSI, NASAP. She speaks English, Russian, and Ukrainian. Copyright of Journal of Individual Psychology is the property of University of Texas Press and its content may not be copied or emailed to multiple sites or posted to a listserv without the copyright holder's express written permission. However, users may print, download, or email articles for individual use.