The Lobster Created using Celtx ACT I _____ 1 INT. STANDUP - NIGHT Jerry is doing standup JERRY If you're not from New York, you can't tell the difference between Italians and Jews. It's just a fact. Look at the everything: we talk with our hands. We kvetch all the time. We all have shame and guilt. We've got the same accent. Hell, if I didn't know Al Pacino's last name, I'd think he was Al Goldberg. No no. I'm serious. Think about it. We're all the same. Jerry looks down. JERRY Well, we're almost the same. Fade out as title music plays 2 EXT. BUSY STREET - DAY George and Jerry are walking down a busy street. George wears a kippah. GEORGE Can I stay at your apartment this weekend? JERRY Why? You have your own perfectly good apartment. It has water, heating, electricity. Why would you need mine? GEORGE Rats. JERRY Rats? GEORGE Yes. My apartment has rats. It's getting fumigated. 2. Created using Celtx JERRY You fumigate for bugs, not rats! GEORGE How do you know? You're not an exterminator. JERRY Fine. Fumigate for rats. Suddenly, CINDY, a short attractive woman runs into George, knocking them both down. CINDY Oh my god. I'm so sorry. They stand up. CINDY Hi, I'm Cindy. George is silent. JERRY He's George. (to George) Now shake her hand. They shake hands. CINDY I see you're Jewish. She points to the kippah. CINDY I love Jewish men. GEORGE Yes. I am Jewish. CINDY (seductively) That's so hot. Are you reform, or orthodox? GEORGE Uh I'm- Jerry cuts him off. 3. Created using Celtx JERRY So, Cindy, what do you do? CINDY Oh, I write for the Post. JERRY The Post? I can't believe it. Can you George? GEORGE Wow, that's crazy. Hey, Cindy, wanna get lunch? CINDY Sure. I know a great deli nearby. 3 INT. DINER - DAY Elaine is sitting at the booth and sipping coffee when Jerry walks in. He sits in the booth across from her ELAINE Where's George? JERRY He's on a date. ELAINE How did that happen? JERRY He was wearing a kippah. ELAINE A kippah? JERRY Yeah. A kippah. From the funeral. ELAINE Oh, I forgot about the funeral. How was it? JERRY Sad. But they had free mimosas. 4. Created using Celtx ELAINE So a good funeral then? JERRY Mr. Kaplan did not die in vain. Elaine sips her coffee. ELAINE So, this kippah, did it have magic powers or something? JERRY No. The girl was really into Jews. ELAINE You know what's a good date. He should make her dinner. She fetches a paper out of her purse. ELAINE Here's the recipe. Give it to him later. It says it's guaranteed to impress any lover. JERRY That sounds like a scam. ELAINE Just give it to him. JERRY Fine. I'll give it to him after lunch. ELAINE Since George is busy can you come apartment shopping with me? JERRY I can't. I"m busy. ELAINE Really. With what? Jerry takes a second to think. JERRY With apartment shopping 5. Created using Celtx ELAINE Wonderful! 4 INT. DELI - NOON George and Cindy are standing in line at the deli. CINDY I just love this place. It has such a nice charm to it. George looks around. There are dirty tables and the butcher behind the deli is unwashed. GEORGE Yes. It's really enchanting. So, you write for the post? CINDY Yeah. All sorts of stuff. I do recipes, opinions. Anything really. What about you, George. GEORGE Well, I'm between jobs at the moment. But I've been looking around. CINDY You should try real estate. That's where all the money is. Being a landlord is easy. GEORGE That's not my skill suit. CINDY What's not? GEORGE Dealing with people. There's a pause. They step forward in line. GEORGE Cindy? CINDY Yes? 6. Created using Celtx GEORGE Why do you like Jews? CINDY What's not to like? You have a rich culture, amazing cuisine, and every Jew I've met has been so nice and welcoming. GEORGE And that's it? CINDY Well, every man I've dated has been Jewish. I don't want to stop now. They move to the front of the line. CINDY I'd like a number 4. George, what do you want? GEORGE I don't know I've never been to a deli like this. CINDY You've never been to a deli like this. Are you even a real Jew? George starts to get nervous. GEORGE Yes. Yes. I promise I'm Jewish. CINDY Calm down. I'm just kidding. (to the cashier) He'll also have a number four. (to George) It's the best thing on the menu. The cow tongue is to die for. George looks sick. 5 INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - EARLY AFTERNOON Jerry and George are sitting in Jerry's apartment. There are two big suitcases next to them. 7. Created using Celtx JERRY Why did you bring so much stuff? You're only gonna be here for a couple days. GEORGE You have to be prepared Jerry. Prepared for anything. We could have a snowstorm. JERRY It's May. GEORGE You never know whats going to happen. For example, this morning I didn't think I'd be cooking dinner for a cute girl. JERRY What are you talking about? GEORGE I need the apartment this evening. JERRY So the date went well? GEORGE It went swimmingly. JERRY I've never heard you use that word before. GEORGE Cindy taught it to me. Hey, do you know any good recipes. JERRY Actually, Elaine gave me this lobster recipe earlier. You should use it. It's supposed to be very romantic. GEORGE That's great! Thanks. He opens the suitcase and starts unpacking. 8. Created using Celtx GEORGE Well don't just stand there. Help me! Jerry rolls his eyes and walks out. 6 INT. APARTMENT FOR SALE - AFTERNOON Elaine and Jerry are inside the apartment with Elaine's AGENT. The apartment is a shithole. It's dirty, the lights are flickering, and everything looks rusty. JERRY I feel like I'm going to get murdered. ELAINE I know. It's terrifying. Look at all those rusty tools. She points to a rack of rusty knives. JERRY I feel like Freddy Krueger is gonna stab me in my sleep here. ELAINE No. That doesn't make sense. This would be more for Jason or that chainsaw guy. JERRY That chainsaw guy? We're not even in Texas. ELAINE I still think he would like it. At least it's big. They look around. JERRY Yeah. This is like twice the size of mine. I see why it's so cheap. AGENT It's price controlled. ELAINE Oh my god it's beautiful? 9. Created using Celtx JERRY Are you kidding? It's a dump! ELAINE A price controlled dump. I could be paying 200 a month until the day I die. JERRY This is why there's no good housing here. Because all you need is a dump like this and everyone wants it. ELAINE It's not a dump. Suddenly, a rat scurries by. Jerry screams. JERRY Elaine, we have to leave. ELAINE But it's soooo cheap. AGENT There's another opening around this price I can show you this evening. But the landlord is (beat) a little eccentric. JERRY But I won't be stabbed. AGENT No, I don't think so. ELAINE Fine. We'll check it out. But I don't think I'll forget this one. END OF ACT I. 10. Created using Celtx ACT II ______ 7 INT. STANDUP - NIGHT Jerry is doing standup JERRY Do you ever think about how crazy it is that we buy live lobsters? We just look in the tank and pick one out that we want to kill. I mean, imagine if we did that to cows. We go to the store, see thirty cows grazing, point at one and say 'yeah. I'd like three of his ribs- no not that one to the left. Yeah him. A big slice of ass too. And don't forget a leg. 8 INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - LATE AFTERNOON George and Cindy are in the apartment. They sit down on the couch. GEORGE Now, Cindy, this is going to be great. I got us two lobsters for our date tonight. CINDY I can't wait. But I thought Jews don't eat lobster. GEORGE What's that got to do with anything? Who told you that? I love lobster. I'd eat it for every meal if I could. It's fantastic. CINDY Fine. Fine. George walks into the kitchen to start preparing the lobster when Kramer bursts through the door. KRAMER Jerry, you're not gonna believe this but - Kramer sees Cindy. 11. Created using Celtx KRAMER Who's this? From the kitchen, the microwave starts. GEORGE (O/S) Kramer, this is Cindy, and we are trying to have a very nice date night. KRAMER Why are you in Jerry's apartment? George comes back into the main room. CINDY This isn't your house? GEORGE Mine is being fumigated. There were rats. CINDY Of course, there were rats. This is New York. GEORGE Well, I didn't want to take you to an apartment with rats in it. CINDY So you went to a friend's apartment without telling me? What if I wanted to surprise you? KRAMER Oh, don't worry about that. You won't. GEORGE Kramer! Leave! He points at the door. Kramer leaves. GEORGE Now, I am going to check on the lobsters. George returns to the kitchen. 12. Created using Celtx From there a screeching can be heard, followed by two loud thumps. CINDY (worried) George, what's happening? GEORGE (O/S) They weren't dead, Cindy. The LOBSTERS WEREN'T DEAD! Cindy looks scared. An explosion can be heard. George returns to the room, covered in lobster guts. Cindy starts to cry. GEORGE So, takeout? 9 INT. NICE APARTMENT - EVENING Jerry, Elaine, and the Agent walk into a nice apartment. It's beautiful. It looks like it comes out of a magazine. There's state of the art appliances, a nice TV set, and giant sofas. As well as a lot of space. Jerry and Elaine start to walk around, inspecting it. ELAINE So what's the catch? AGENT What do you mean? ELAINE An apartment this nice. It's beautiful. Why hasn't someone taken it yet? AGENT It's actually been on the market for a few months. You'll understand why when you meet the owner. He must be a few minutes late. I just want you to brace yourselves. Jerry walks over to the TV. He inspects it. 13. Created using Celtx JERRY This is insane. The TV must cost as much as a month's rent. I don't see how any landlord could be bad enough for this. ELAINE I know. And the dishwasher. I feel like I'm in an ad from the 50s. The new housewife. JERRY Would this be too big for you to live alone in? ELAINE Are you kidding? It would be amazing. This whole place to myself. I would feel like Cleopatra. Or Marie Antoinette. JERRY Their stories didn't end too well. ELAINE Why should I care if I get to live in this much luxury. She throws herself onto the couch. ELAINE I am a queen Jerry. A queen! AGENT I'm sorry that the landlord is late. He should be here in a few minutes. ELAINE Jerry. I don't see why I won't get this. I should be sleeping here tonight. JERRY It really is a nice apartment. I wonder who the landlord could be to make it so horrible. Suddenly, Kramer bursts through the door. 14. Created using Celtx KRAMER Sorry I'm late. I was busy. I had something to attend to. He looks up. KRAMER Jerry? Elaine? ELAINE You're the landlord? (to Jerry) Oh now it makes sense. JERRY I understand everything. KRAMER What are you two doing here? This is for serious inquiries only. JERRY Elaine needs an apartment She stands up and comes forward. ELAINE I'll take it. KRAMER No. ELAINE Why not? It's nice. It's been on the market for a while. I'll pay the asking price. KRAMER I don't want to rent to you. ELAINE Why not? KRAMER It's unhealthy. Bad for the friendship. Jerry, did you know that George is on a date in your apartment. 15. Created using Celtx JERRY Yeah. His is being fumigated. He has rats. KRAMER Who the hell fumigates for rats? JERRY That's what I said! Elaine steps in front of Jerry. ELAINE I'll pay double. KRAMER No. I won't rent to you. Don't even think about it. ELAINE Why not? KRAMER Like I said, being a landlord is bad for friendships. I'm stern. I'm harsh. To my tenants, I'm downright evil. ELAINE For how long have you even had an apartment anyways? KRAMER AN apartment? I have a dozen. Why do you think I don't have to work? ELAINE I just thought that. Y'know. She gestures vaguely. JERRY Now that you mention it, I always wondered. KRAMER If you were better friend you'd ask. Now out! Scram. I'm not renting to you. Jerry and Elaine leave. 16. Created using Celtx 10 EXT. TACO STAND - NIGHT Elaine and Jerry stand next to the taco stand, eating tacos. ELAINE I just don't get it. The first apartment is so cheap. But it's awful. I should get it anyways. JERRY It's disgusting. ELAINE That doesn't matter. It's so cheap. I'll put up with a lot at that price. JERRY Well, it was rent-controlled. ELAINE And? JERRY Those rent-controlled places are always sketchy. Why would you put any effort in when you only get a couple grand a month. ELAINE Maybe I should be a landlord. JERRY Do you have anything to rent out? ELAINE I could rent out our booth. JERRY Just sublet your current apartment. ELAINE I can't. JERRY Is it against the contract? Your landlord will never know. 17. Created using Celtx ELAINE No. The contract doesn't say anything about subletting. JERRY Then why not? ELAINE It expires tonight. JERRY So, you're homeless. ELAINE Only because you didn't let me get that apartment. George (still covered in lobster guts) and Cindy walk up to the taco stand. ELAINE Oh hi! This must be Cindy. She waves at Cindy, who waves back. JERRY Jesus George, what happened to you? GEORGE Lobster. JERRY So the date didn't go well? GEORGE Well, we're getting tacos for dinner. ELAINE (with her mouth full) Ooh, get the pork one. It's delicious. CINDY I thought Jews don't eat pork. GEORGE Are you crazy? I love pork. Pig is my favorite mammal. CINDY Ok sure. What are you two doing here? 18. Created using Celtx JERRY Elaine is homeless now. GEORGE Oh, she should just crash at your place. It'll be a real slumber party. A sleepover for the ages. ELAINE Can I Jerry? Can I? JERRY Just stay at Kramer's place. It's vacant. He'll never know. ELAINE Are you kidding. I don't want him as my landlord. That would be horrible. JERRY FINE! I guess we're all staying at my apartment tonight. CINDY Oh, don't worry. George can stay with me. It'll be super romantic. She whispers something into George's ear. GEORGE Yes. I'm staying with Cindy tonight. END OF ACT II. 19. Created using Celtx ACT III _______ 11 INT. JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT Elaine and Jerry are wearing pajamas and sitting on his couch, watching TV. The door slams open. George, still covered in lobster, enters. GEORGE Can I use your shower? JERRY I thought you were staying with Cindy. GEORGE She kicked me out. JERRY Why? GEORGE Come over here. JERRY Why? GEORGE I don't want to talk about it in front of Elaine. ELAINE Don't worry. I can take it. GEORGE Well, there are some things I don't want you to know, Elaine. ELAINE Fine, I'll leave. Elaine gets up and walks into the other room. GEORGE She found out I'm not Jewish. JERRY That's not too bad. Why couldn't Elaine hear?