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The Joe Bob Briggs Fanzine July 2019/Issue 1 The First Last Drive-In Marathon Artwork by Casey Jones—twitter.com/SchlockV 2 “In 1956 there were 12,000 drive-ins in America. 95 percent of those are dead. And yet, there are native Indians, the Crankaway Indians of Texas, who believe there is a spirit that lives on in these decayed temples where Americans once worshipped. They call it ‘Whiska-bana-ha,’ or the Spirit of Blood, Breasts, and Beasts. Or The Three Bs. What you are about to witness is a summoning of that spirit, a return to a part of the American heritage that has all but vanished. It’s a heritage of drive-in movies, controversial movies, groundbreaking movies – the weird, the offbeat, the strange.” Table of Contents 1 - Cal Slayton artwork 24 - The Legend of Boggy 2 - Casey Jones artwork Creek 4 - Joe Bob intro 26 - The Legend of Boggy 6 - Welcome back, Joe Bob! Creek song lyrics 8 - Tourist Trap 27 - Stump Joe Bob 9 - Sleepaway Camp 28 - Hellraiser 10 - Rabid 29 - Pieces 11 - The Prowler 30 - John Zacherle 12 - Sorority Babes in the 34 - Love Letters from the Slimeball Bowl-0-Rama Mutants 14 - Daughters of Darkness 36 - Stop Fiddlin’ With Your 16 - Herschell Gordon Lewis Phone! 17 - Blood Feast 39 - Bloody Good Horror 18 - Highway 183 Drive-In 42 - Joe Bob’s Jokes 19 - Basket Case 44 - Joe Bob’s Farewell 20 - Re-Animator 45 - Letter from the Editor 21 - David Gale 46 - Drive-In Totals 22 - Demons 59 - Credits and Thanks Cover illustration by Cal Slayton / calslayton.com 60 - Ben Dale artwork Editor’s Note: This is a reprint. It’s basically the same as the original, but there are a few minor changes (updated URLs and such). Enjoy! Copyright © Paddy Jack Press, 2019. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photo- copying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews. For permission requests, write to the publisher at [email protected]. Reprinted articles and interviews belong to their respective owners and those persons or publications should be contacted for permission. All of Joe Bob Briggs’ quoted passages belong to Joe Bob Briggs and should not be reproduced without his express written per- mission. Thank you. 3 “The Last Drive-In 24-hour Joe Bob Briggs marathon of horror ONLY on Shudder. One weekend only. If you miss this, you’re going to always regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon, and for the rest of your life. That’s actually from Casablanca. We will not be showing that.” — Joe Bob Briggs’ first words at the opening of the first Last Drive-In marathon “Have y’all ever seen The Beast fact. You can go to Nat Geo, Within? 1982. That’s the one verify that. You want to know about the woman in Mississippi the spooky thing? Every seven- who gets raped by a giant teen years, I start a new show. I cicada. What we used to call a have katydid DNA.” katydid. So, this woman gets katydiddled, and then seventeen RULES OF GREAT DRIVE-IN MOVIES: years later her mutant son starts chewing up fat guys in (as stated during Tourist Trap) spaghetti-strap tee shirts and 1. Anybody can die, at any moment. suckin’ blood and eatin’ guys 2. When a girl says, named Kerwyn. He’s kind of a “Who needs a bathing suit?” combination vampire, zombie, katydid. Interesting plot point – you must deliver the groceries he only eats guys named (if you know what I mean, A: A Dwight Yoakam hat Kerwyn. Anyway, Paul Clemens and I think you do.). was the actor who played the 3. Chuck Connors... tortured high school student with insect issues. So, um, giant carnivorous katydid zombies TRIVIA: What style of cowboy only come to life every seven- hat does Joe Bob say he prefers teen years. This is a scientific to wear? 4 Here we go! that ‘State Fair Hair’ in Texas. Big boobs. Big hair on the guys too! Hair bands. All about the “We’re startin’ with Tourist hair. Anyhow the other thing Trap, see, because we want to you need to know is that, as usu- impress you with just how seri- al, whenever I do a marathon, ous we are about this stuff. Be- we’re gonna be printin’ up some cause, if you ask a horror fan to “I Spent the Night with Joe Bob” name his favorite movies of tee shirts, which we will explain 1979, he might say [The] Ami- later. And, by the way, if you’re tyville Horror, he might say Al- gay, bi-sexual, multi-sexual, ien, he might say Salem’s Lot, trans-sexual, tri-sexual, quatro- but he probably will not say sexual, or you live at Warren Tourist Trap. Tourist Trap was Jeff’s house, you can still wear the first real 80s slasher, even the ‘I Spent the Night with Joe though it came out in the 70s. It Bob’ tee shirt and I will embrace was pre-80s. It was ahead of its you, and embrace your diversity. time. It even has Tanya Roberts I will not literally embrace you. in it and that’s about as 80s as it Or maybe I will! You know, you gets. By the way, what is it with can use any restroom here in the 80s nostalgia? I was there in the trailer house. There’s only one 80s. There was a whole lot of bathroom actually, so we’re al- crap-ola in the 80s. Is it the big ready transgender-friendly. See, hair?They like the big hair, don’t we’re ahead of the game. they? Big hair. We used to call Okay, lets get to it!” 5 Photo by MG Marshall Headshot Photography/Dallas, TX “The network asked me to do plete with actual dead people this. When they first came to me, serving in the cabinet. So, they I said the same the same thing finally appealed to my patriot- I’ve been sayin’ for seventeen ism. I needed to serve my coun- years which is, ‘The network try, and explain what the holy canceled me, so now the people heck is goin’ on and, as you must suffer.’ But then, y’all know, we do that through the begged. And, as some of you medium of movies. So, I’m going know, it had a profound effect to do it one last time. I actually on me. I can’t stand to see a made that vow back in the 90s. grown man beg. Also, even One last time. Showtime had me though I would never do any- hostin’ that damn Emmanuelle thing that violates my personal marathon – you know, we had and professional principals, I both the double-L Emmanuelle would do anything for two hun- movies, and the single-M, fake dred bucks. So, a deal was made. Emanuelle movies. And I said, And the basic idea was that the ‘Okay, one last time,’ because nation is in the mood for horror. there’s only so much softcore We proved that by having the lesbo hippie porn with Vaseline first all-horror election, with smeared on the camera lens be- horror icons nominated by both fore you go, ‘Whoa, this is gonna parties, and a re-enactment of make my penis fall off. I can’t do Night of the Living Dead virtual- this forever.’ But my point is, I ly every day since then, com- survived the 80s hosting every 6 movie that Showtime networks breaks, or Joe Bob breaks. And if bought at the Cannes film mar- that annoys you, and I can’t im- ket, the Milan film market, and agine that it wouldn’t - it would the rural upstate New York film annoy the hell out of me – then market that they would bring you can watch these same mov- home and they would say, ‘What ies on Shudder without looking is this movie? I didn’t buy this at me or listening to me, but this movie. Did you buy this movie? is how we did it before and so, by What’s a West German sex God, we’re going to continue to comedy? And so I hosted all do it the pitiful way. And then, those. Stuff like She’s Nineteen throughout today and tomor- and Ready, when she was forty- row, we’re going to have all the five and she was never gonna be usual stuff. Guests will be drop- ready. You didn’t really want her ping in. Some of ‘em are half-ass to be ready. Anyhow, that’s how famous. We have mail girls – in far back I go. I actually remem- fact, if you want to keep up with ber the now-vanished genre what’s on, what’s coming on, called the West German sex what might be on if we don’t comedy. And I embraced it, be- forget to spool it up, you can go cause that’s what we do here. to the official Joe Bob’s Last We embrace movies. I didn’t ac- Drive-In horror-thon mail girl tually embrace that German Twitter feed and the mail girl skank in the movie, I was being will take your requests, as long metaphorical. So, after you as they’re legal in any country begged, I said, ‘Okay. I’ll do one besides Thailand. And that’s weekend. Dusk to dawn to dusk actually the only way to keep up to almost dawn, because we’re other than just to watch the going twenty-four hours, plus a dang show.” little extra, and we’ve got... (looking off camera) ‘How many “You know, we should have movies have we got?’ We’ve got, like, ninety-seven movies. And before-and-after pictures for this we’re not going to announce the marathon. Here’s your brain. titles until we show them. So, it’ll Here’s your brain on Shudder be a surprise. And we’re actually after watching The Last Drive-In gonna interrupt the movies, just like back in the old days. Com- marathon. Because that picture is mercial breaks, only they’re not not gonna be pretty. It’s gonna commercials, they’re Shudder look like somebody who played middle-linebacker for The Michael Scott design by KalonGraphics Raiders for seventeen years.” - Joe Bob Briggs TRIVIA: Which version of Frankenstein did Joe Bob once say (on TNT’s MonsterVision) was his favorite? Randy Quaid as the monster. A: The 1992 version starring 7 Tourist Trap “Tourist Trap. This is the old story of the road-trippers who have car trouble and they have to pull into a broken down, roadside attraction cowboy wax “Who makes a slasher with not one, not museum run by Chuck Connors two, but three girls skinny-dippin’ under a and his bipolar brother, who likes to put a little extra juice in waterfall, and we have zero breast- the mannequins. In my opinion, count? Is this man insane? He’s a Texan one of the most underrated flicks too, so I don’t get that.” of all time. I think maybe, possi- bly, because of the title. It “Look at that first-moment close sounds like Parent Trap, which -up on Chuck Connors. Talk was that stupid Hayley Mills about a guy who can fill up the movie made by Disney and then, screen and change the pace of a because they can’t just leave it film just by his presence. He alone, remade by Disney as an Illustration by Shane Murphy & Aaron Crawford/Available as a limited edition enamel pin at dailydead.com really does overpower every even incredibly stupider movie other actor in every scene.” starring Lindsay Lohan. So, if “Did you notice [Chuck Connors is] you loved Parent Trap, you’re gonna hate this movie, which carryin’ a rifle in that first shot? Inside goes in such odd directions that joke, because Chuck was best known I don’t really want to summarize for a TV series called The Rifleman.” the plot since we’re likely to have some first-timers with us “Whoa! You know, if I had to tonight.” make a list of the top ten most disturbing scenes in horror history, I think I would have to include that one—Tina being waxed to death by Davey.” “Can you tell I’m a Chuck Connors fan?” This film will always hold a special place in Mutant hearts as the opening feature of Joe Bob’s revival marathon. Tourist Trap, we salute you. This issue of The Joe Bob Briggs Fanzine is hereby dedicated to the great Chuck Connors in Joe Bob’s honor. 8 Sleepaway Camp Illustration by Jason Edward Davis/jasonedwarddavis.com “The movie tonight is Sleepaway Camp. The great, the legendary, 1983 slasher flick set in upstate New York where little 13-year-old Angela first goes off to summer camp with her cousin Ricky, not realizing that just about everybody at the camp is a pedophile or a pervert of one sort or another.” The momentous conversation that led to Felissa Rose becoming The Last Drive-In’s ‘Mangled Dick Expert’ Joe Bob: Was your dick deformed? Because that dick looks weird to me. Felissa: It was cold. I was in the water. What do you want from me? AND I was 13! Joe Bob: I thought maybe it was horribly mangled in the boating accident. Okay, back in the first scene—follow this, follow this— your dick is horribly mangled in the boating accident back in the first scene so they raise you as a girl because you have a mangled dick. Felissa: I think you just recreated what the real Sleepaway Camp was supposed to be. All about my mangled dick. “I like how, when summer camp devolves counselors just stand by and let ‘em go at into all-out, free-for-all fist-fighting, the more in common with West Texas than it. Apparently, upstate New York has “Sleepaway Camp. It’s a cult classic. If you haven’t ever seen it before, I’ll give you the same warning I gave 30 years ago. Be sure you watch the first scene very closely, and be sure you watch the last scene very closely. Because, otherwise, you’re gonna be in a world of confusion. This is one of those movies where there’s a serial killer in the you might expect.” summer camp, and the serial killer is a point-of- view camera. And, apparently, none of the teenagers know that cameras can kill, because the camera keeps showin’ up in the cafeteria, in the dorm, hidin’ behind tree branches. So, they just go about their business, you know. ‘Dum-dee-dum-tah -tee-tum. Until suddenly, ‘Oh my god, not YOU!’” 9 Rabid Illustration by Max Brown / www.orangeyear.com “Rabid is the story of a woman who’s tossed off a motorcycle, burns up and gets taken to the nearest hospital, where the doctor is known as the ‘Colonel Sanders of Plastic Surgery.’ So, he takes her thigh skin and grafts it onto her face and chest. Pretty soon she comes down with something that looks like rabies, only it’s about “Cronenberg is a strange duck. 10,000 times worse, and has He actually studied to be a this little bloody roto-rooter that comes out of her armpits biochemist at the University of and slices people up so she can Toronto. And he was fascinated feed on their blood every six hours. She turns most of with the human body and with Montreal into zombies before disease and especially with how her boyfriend catches her sex and disease are related. So, he munching on a mutual friend, and let’s just say it damages the kind of invented his own genre. relationship.” I call it ‘venereal horror.’” “Everything we’re showing is all “Finally we get the close-up of sexed up. This is supposed to be a the armpit roto-rooter. At first it looks kinda like an anus. And horror network. We’ve got more then it looks kinda like a aardvarking than they have over on the vagina. And then that THING Norwegian Street Meat channel. You comes out of it, that deformed know all those channels up in the 400s penis. So, it’s like every kind of that cost an extra $3.95 if you click on sexual organ known to pimps ‘em? Juicy Fat Girls. Locker Room Boys. in Bangkok. But it’s deadly. A typical Cronenberg image. Jock-strap Butt Dancin’...” Because it’s all about some- thing people think they want, “I learned the hard way that sex but that’s really, really bad for and horror go hand-in-hand. Jesus you. Anything done for pleasure in a Cronenberg film Christ. You know, it always seems kills you.” like such a good idea at 10pm; always seems like such a bad idea “You don’t really want to see at 3am—if you know what I mean, pastel, slow-motion, spurtin’ jizz.” and I think you do.” 10 The Prowler “The Prowler deals with the sensitive social issue of what happens when you go off to fight Illustration by Mamidshi/deviantart.com/mamidshi a war and your girlfriend dumps you and starts sleeping with a guy named Roy. That post- traumatic stress syndrome can get nasty, especially if you’re developing a fetish for pitch- forks. This is one of those mov- ies that was made at the height of the slasher craze in 1981. When the aesthetic question on everybody’s mind was, ‘How many ways can a body be im- paled that we’ve never seen be- fore?’ You don’t get a lot of poi- “That’s our heroine, played by sonings in slasher films. Hence Vicky Dawson, being groped by the name. One interesting thing Lawrence Tierney in a wheel- about this movie is that it has chair. You don’t really wanna be virtually the exact same plot as groped by Lawrence Tierney, My Bloody Valentine, which but if you are gonna be groped came out the same year. My by Lawrence Tierney, you want Bloody Valentine was made in him in a wheelchair. One of the rural Nova Scotia. The Prowler mysteries of The Prowler is the was made in rural New Jersey. decision of director Joseph Zito Both of them involve the old to use Lawrence Tierney in a prom night plot about the killer non-speaking part, especially who comes back to even the since Lawrence Tierney was score. And both of them feature renowned for gettin’ drunk and ‘that guy’ character actors. You not showing up when he had know ‘that guy’ character actors lines to memorize. So, this was are people who appear on like sayin’, ‘Hey Lawrence, free screen and you go, ‘Oh yeah, it’s Scotch and please sleep in!’” that guy. I’ve seen him before. I think I have, maybe not. Yeah, let me see him again. Yeah, it’s that “One of the things this movie is guy.’ And so the ‘that guys’ in famous for is lingering on the kill this are Farley Granger and Law- rence Tierney.” shot to an almost unbearable degree. In other words, Joseph Zito and Tom Savini are both sick bastards and we appreciate it.” 11 Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama “Okay, we’re moving from the decided, ‘You know what? I’m early 80s East coast graphic not gonna fight this new video slasher movement to the late thing. I’m just gonna embrace it.’ 80s West coast bubblegum So, they started turning out slasher movement. What we movies, like, one a week. There have is pretty much the ultimate were suddenly hundreds of hor- 1980s direct-to-video L.A. ror-action-scifi-sex comedy movie. L.A. director, L.A. actors, flicks coming out. It still happens L.A. locations, L.A. philosophy. out there today but it’s not as In other words, brain candy for much fun. L.A. people, in general, the dimwits. And we love that are not that much fun anymore.” here on the Last Drive-In mara- thon. We live for that. I’m talkin’ about Sorority Babes in the “Since this is a Dave Dakota movie, Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama, featur- there will be absolutely no plot to get in ing one of the nastiest perfor- mances ever given by Linnea the way of the story. This thing’ll move Quigley, our number one scream like lightning, slowing down queen in the 80s. Linnea just only for nekkid breasts and butts, and loves playin’ a bitch, and this the occasional bloody head.” was one of her foul-mouthed, punk queen classic roles. Excellent movie... in the hundred “How many times did Babs hit dollar budget range. I’m Joe Bob the butts of Michelle Bauer and Briggs and we’re now heading Brinke Stevens in that scene? into the Iron Man portion of the Enough times to draw blood. dusk-to-dawn-to-dusk-to-dawn And apparently way too many horror marathon on Shudder. times for the United Kingdom It’s my swan song, my farewell Movie Classification Board to movie-hosting, my affection- because all that hiney-paddling ate tribute to the greatest scary was cut out of the British re- movies of my generation, your lease. In Great Britain, where generation, and our grandpap- they actually do that as school- pies’ generations. So, you’re girl punishment, hitting bare- probably wondering, ‘Why are nekkid female asses with a giant so many of these movies from stick is no laughing matter.” the 80s?’ And, that’s because, after careful analysis of all the “So, radiation pulses through the movies in horror history, these security camera and zaps two random were the cheapest ones. But, also sorority girls and turns them into because in the 80s there were a handful of directors in L.A. who she-demons... or something.” 12 This was an instant cult classic “The point of this movie is six hot babes when it came out in 1988. It’s and three nerds, combined in occasionally directed by Dave Dakota, who, of nekkid ways. Notice that ratio, because all the 80s directors, he’s directed more movies than any that’s the whole secret to this movie. of them. He’s directed like Filmmaking 101. You’re welcome.” 27,000 movies. It’s the old story “Okay, it’s time for the thrilling, of a jive-talking mutant demon organically-connected, logical who lives in a bowling trophy conclusion to Sorority Babes in and likes to turn sorority girls the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama. into raving sex-maniac lasagna- Let’s go. You know, it’s the word faced zombies. Sorority Babes in ‘slimeball’ that doesn’t belong in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama, star- the title. Because who’s the ring Linnea Quigley, Brinke slimeball? There’s no slimeball. Stevens, and Michelle Bauer—the The Imp? You wouldn’t call him ‘big three’ of 80s scream queens. a slimeball. He’s just a little This is the movie where, you midget bitch demon. You know? may recall, Linnea has her We need to call Dave up and ask famous line, ’What is this, the him, ‘Why slimeball? Who you midnight wimp bowling league?’ callin’ a slimeball?’ Because no- menclature matters in these “Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O- things.” Rama [is] evidence that in the 80s you “You have the symbolic sexual imagery of could basically write a script on a bowling alley. You have balls. You have Tuesday, film it on Wednesday, and have pins. And you have lanes. And you have it in the video store by Thursday.” gutters. We’re going for the gutter.” “Charles [Band] likes Dave [Dakota] because Dave shoots ‘em hard, fast, & dirty. Hard, Fast, & Dirty should be a movie title. Or a nickname for the three scream queens. One of them’s hard, one of them’s fast, one of them’s dirty. I know all three of ‘em and I’m not saying which is which... I’m thinkin’ it though.” 13 Daughters of Darkness “I just had a quick, gluten-loaded Anyway, in case you haven’t breakfast. I told ‘em to add extra been subscribing to the ‘Gluten is gluten, to the pancakes and the Satan Gazette,’ there’s another sausage. I’m Joe Bob Briggs. more basic reason that they say Coming up next is the most artsy we’ve all become poisoned with -fartsy horror movie ever made, these Cream of Wheat toxins. Daughters of Darkness. I love You know, because we gave up this movie, and I can’t even tell the hunter-gatherer diet and we you why I love it. It comes from adopted the agricultural diet. the lesbian vampire era of When we were hunter-gatherers, horror, which ran from about we consumed different species 1970 to 1975, but it’s sort of in a and varieties of food. Once we class by itself. I think it’s the only became farmers, that number Flemish movie that I’ve ever shrank to about 30 types of food hosted. Wait, is it Flemish or and what we didn’t know was we Belgian? Or is that the same weren’t supposed to eat the thing? Well, we’ll figure all that wheat. We were supposed to eat out in a minute, after the thick, the raw Latvian boar and the syrupy gluten settles down into Pyrenees muskrat, stuff like that. my pores and I can think clearly. And that’s why our guts are all People think gluten makes you pukey and disgusting. Of course, fat. You know, listen to me there’s that statistical problem, people. Gluten has nothing to do mainly that the last hunter- with being fat. Unless you have gatherers, after all those millions celiac disease, just shut up about of years of hunting and gather- gluten, okay? And how many ing, had a lifespan of 35 years for people have celiac disease? men and 30 years for women. Seven-tenths of one percent of But I guess that’s a good trade- the Western population. Not the off because if we all go gluten- world population, the Western free we’ll end up dying off in our population. And you know why 30s like the cast of Logan’s Run, they say it that way? Because but we’ll have impressive bowel ‘widespread adoption of the movements our whole lives.” Mediterranean Diet’ has led to all these gluten problems. If we didn’t eat all that Mediterranean food, we wouldn’t be sickly and frail—like the Roman legion, the Spanish conquistadors, the Spartan warriors, and the Egyptian dynasties. You know, all those lethargic civilizations around the Mediterranean that were overrun by the Canadians. 14 Illustration by Terri Affleck “This is one of those movies— see, it’s hard to explain this movie, because—it’s one of those movies that, when you say, ‘So, how was the movie?’ people start using words that they nev- er use in regular life. You know when people do that? ‘It was mesmerizing, Joe Bob. Mesmer- izing.’ ‘It was surreal.’ Oh really? Like Salvador Dali or some- thing’? ‘Hypnotic, Joe Bob. It was hypnotic.’ You know, you want to say, ‘Well, do you remember any of it, since you were under “We’re gonna watch Daughters hypnosis and mesmerized and of Darkness now. And all I can everything.. ‘Joe Bob, it’s a say is this may be the greatest psycho-sexual fever dream.’ A vampire movie ever filmed in guy really said that. And it was a Ostend. Ostend is a town in guy that you don’t want to think Belgium on the Baltic Sea where, about him being psycho-sexual. evidently, nobody lives because Plus, what is psycho-sexual? I the streets are empty, the store- think it means you watch so fronts are empty, the beach is much porn they have to give you empty, even the hotels are emp- electroshock.” ty. Ostend may be the creepiest place I’ve ever seen in a movie, “You see what I mean about Delpine partly because the architecture Seyrig stealing every scene? One is so monumental. You have interesting thing that Harry Kumel, these buildings that look like the director, did with her is that he Mussolini put them up, or maybe they’re art museums or the dressed her in the colors of the Nazi party. European Parliament or some- So, she’s always in red, white, or black, thing, but they’re empty except which is a very European thing for a for the five or six characters very European director to do, by the way. wandering around in this movie. So, Daughters of Darkness is the This movie just drips with arthouse old familiar story of a beautiful pretention, but it’s one of the few Hungarian countess and her European horror flicks of this era lesbian assistant who arrive at a that I can stand to watch.” grand hotel in Ostend in the middle of the night and notice a Darcy: Everyone is loving the marathon newlywed couple that look like they could be ghoul-meat. But, so far. Joe Bob: Everyone? since this is Europe, and since Darcy: Well, there’s this one dude who didn’t this is an arthouse film, it all gets like Daughters of Darkness and thought it worked out through witty was kind of slow. Joe Bob: It is. It’s slow as conversation and rough sex.” fuck. So, that’s okay. 15 Herschell Gordon Lewis “I see filmmaking as a business and pity anyone who regards it as an art form.” — Herschell Gordon Lewis helped his box office. So, now that he’s safely dead they’re giv- ing him credit for inspiring John Illustration by Tony G. Campagna Carpenter, influencing Wes Cra- ven, influencing Quentin Tar- antino, which means they’re just proving what idiots they are all over again. Herschell Gordon Lewis had about as much influ- ence on Quentin Tarantino as the inventor of the three- pronged pitchfork had on Friday the 13th. If Wes Craven ever “Herschell, wherever you are, watched any of Herschell’s films, this next one is for you. And, it was most likely to use them as now, if you’re never see Blood a horrible warning not to over- Feast, I gotta get you ready for saturate the screen with phos- this. It’s a bad slasher flick, like phorescent blood. John Carpen- painfully bad. But it’s the first ter is a superb craftsman. Her- slasher flick written and di- schell was a businessman. He rected by my friend, Herschell had trouble understanding cine- Gordon Lewis. Herschell died in matic principles unaltered since late 2016 at the officially- the time of D.W. Griffith. So, I announced age of 90. But he was have to wonder if that obituary always hiding his age and he al- was some kind of weird Times’ ways looked 50, so I wouldn’t be cleansing ritual. You know, they surprised if the real number was were trying to awkwardly deal ten years higher. He was a tall, with a pop culture hero in some elegant, urbane, intellectual guy way that wouldn’t offend the with a sharp wit, who would’ve ballet critic.” - Joe Bob Briggs been amazed and flattered that the New York Times, of all plac- es, took note of his death and His genius was the ad campaign. All of published a long obituary. And I Herschell’s films were bait-and-switch. was amazed by that as well. And pissed off! Because that’s the They never quite delivered whatever newspaper that ignored his ex- the lurid poster promised. And his istence during the years when greatest achievement was the release he was making films, years when of Blood Feast on July 19, 1963.” even a negative review would’ve 16 “Frank Henelotter dedicated [Basket Case] to Blood Feast Herschell Gordon Lewis, who nobody had heard of at that time in history.” it’s the first of its type.” — Herschell Gordon Lewis Feast is like a Walt Whitman poem. It’s no good, but Rather, we were escaping from an old one. Blood “Blood Feast is an accident of history. We didn’t deliberately set out to establish a new genre. “Blood Feast is the sensitive story of Fuad Ramses, who’s collecting female body parts so he can stir up a cannibal stew in honor of Ishtar the Goddess, which looks suspiciously like a department store mannequin that’s been spray-painted gold.” “A great deal of the movie’s cult value, in my opinion, is created by the yin-yang “Gouts of blood! Gallons of blood! Spurting blood, effect of the beautiful Connie gurgling out of bodies in extreme close-up!” Mason’s deadpan non-acting with the slimy-haired Mal Arnold’s delirious over-acting.” TRIVIA: In the tongue- ripping scene from Blood Feast, what did Joe Bob say the tongue is made of? and minced cranberries. strawberry preserves, marinated in stage blood, A: A sheep’s tongue, Illustration by Andrew Barr/moviemonstars.blogspot.com 17 Highway 183 Drive-In “I would like all of us to take a had statistics at one time show- moment of remembrance for the ing that more babies born on Highway 183 Drive-In in Irving, welfare were conceived at the Texas. Gone, but not forgotten. 183 than any other venue in the We were all there, right? We Southwest, and that includes the remember the barf stains on the Tonight Motel in East Tulsa. But speaker poles like it was yester- there was one night, back in day. We remember how they 1982, when the eyes of the always sweeped up the condom world were on the 183—and no, wrappers so the children could it was not the night that Lonnie play on the teeter-totter. We Stebbins clubbed Animal Barker remember Gerald, the security with a deer rifle. The media got guard, who was released on that whole thing wrong anyway. weekends to work there and They said Lonnie pistol-whipped would always have words of him. But I witnessed the weap- drive-in wisdom like, ‘Never on. It was a Remington 740. Ani- walk up on a baby blue El mal got rifle-whipped. Because Camino with two men inside all the time it was happening, I unless you wanna see things was thinking, ‘The autoloader is described in the Old Testament.’ never gonna work again on that That was Gerald, and that was rifle.’ So, no. The event I’m talk- the Highway 183 Drive-In, which in’ about is the world premiere was named after a road, like God of Basket Case.” intended. All great drive-ins are “The 183 Drive-In was opened in 1950. named after transportation corridors. Now, if you’re from It screened The Great Locomotive Chase out of state, then you may not in 1956, and a re-release of X-15 in 1961, know that the 183 was right and the 1962 movie Tales of Terror in across from Texas Stadium, 1964. The concession stand was a which was the greatest football stadium in the world that fea- substantial cinder-block structure, which tured a hole in the roof that had a seating area, maybe four rows of blinded the eyes of the quarter- ten seats, that face the screen through a back. And if you went about five picture window. The 183 Drive-In was minutes down the Airport Free- operating until 1983. The location is now way, and looked behind the world’s largest stack of cartop a freight depot for trucks. carriers, that was the 183. We —cinematreasures.org/theaters/23696 18 Basket Case “Basket Case is the sensitive story of two Siamese twin brothers, and one of ‘em looks like a squashed octopus and lives in a picnic basket that his brother carries around while feeding him Big Macs in a Times Illustration by Scott Roller—deviantart.com/scottroller Square hotel room. Whenever anybody opens up the basket they get their face chewed off. So, a romantic comedy for the 80s. Because these Siamese twins weren’t separated at birth, they were separated at 12, so the smaller sexually-deviant Siamese twin—when separated from his more presentable brother, in a graphic surgical procedure that doesn’t quite work—is now having some parental hatred issues, not to mention fraternal jealousy when a female with giant garbonzas enters the picture.” “‘Where you from?’ ‘Upstate.’ “It’s a combination of ‘What’s in the basket?’ ‘Clothes.’ Frankenstein and Porky’s, in a sense. But we won’t That’s a brilliant script!” over-analyze it, because “Always keep your scalpel if we do, we’ll puke.” drawer tidy, in case a deformed ex-patient wants to shove your face into it. But “Everybody that worked on this that’s not even the creepiest movie was kind of scarred for moment so far. That moment life by it. Like, Beverly Bonner— where you see Belial inside the who was in both of the sequels, basket, breathing heavy as he by the way—she was so fondles the orange panties; obsessed with this movie that this is why Frank Henenlotter she wrote a play called Casey 30 said in an interview, ‘I am a Years Later; Casey being the strange little person.’ And name of her character in Basket then, just when you think the Case. And, in this play that she movie has gotten as kinky as wrote, Casey is running a bar in you really want it to get— the East Village and she’s uncomfortably kinky—it goes managing a team of hookers, all to a whole new level.” of which are age 50 or over. Because, you know, who says a Botox, they got good lighting, hooker has to be young? This is and you’re drunk anyway. Not the 21st century. They got that I approve of that lifestyle.” 19 Re-Animator “This is headless man meets bottomless man, in clueless biology premise.” “[Re-Animator is] the sensitive the evil Dr. Hill knows he’s got story of a nerd-face, space cadet these guys, so he goes over to med student who starts messin’ the secret brain juice laboratory around with secret formula juice and he tells Herbert West that he the color of urine after you’ve wants all the records so he can had nine bottles of Gatorade— win the Nobel prize, and Herbert that color—and finds out he has West’s answer is shovel through the power to bring somebody’s the neck. And then Herbert West brain back to life after it gets thinks, ‘Well, what the hey? No- smushed under an 18-wheeler. body’s ever juiced separate body So, he goes up to Massachusetts parts before. And, from there on where they have an over-supply out, the good doctor tries to get of dead brains and he moves in himself back together, carryin’ with a med student who’s sleep- his head around in a slime tray, in’ with the dean’s daughter. And doin’ laser lobotomies on all the the first thing he does is he other corpses and, pretty soon, pumps so much juice into a dead gettin’ up his own private army cat, he almost gets his face of walkin’ mutant corpses. Of clawed off. And, sure, we’ve seen course, we all remember the sce- that before. But have we seen it ne where he straps the dean’s with this level of detail? I think daughter down to the autopsy not. Next thing, these two guys table, holds his head in his sneak into the morgue and start hands… still a classic after all juicin’ up stiffs, until Arnold these years.” Schwarzenegger's stunt double gets outta’ hand and they have to “This is the 100th anniversary of ram a bone saw through his back Lovecraft’s nervous breakdown, to make him stop breakin’ down in that sad house where he lived doors, and—whoops!—killin’ the in Providence, Rhode Island. So, dean. So they look at the dead we can say, ‘Thank you, H.P. dean, they look at each other, Sucks for you, but we appreciate and then, no problema, they juice it.’” him up and pretty soon he’s “You know what Stuart Gordon’s standin’ up, waving’ his arms and number one memory of filming slobberin’ all over everybody. [Re-Animator] was? ‘My They do have to put him in a rub- shoes stuck to the floor ber room and watch Dr. Carl Hill do a laser lobotomy on him. But, the whole time.’ That’s other than that, he’s fine. Now what he said. Now, in the world of drive-in movies, we call “I didn’t do any spoilers, did I? I only that your baseline. You start with that. told the whole fuckin’ plot. It’s not what You expect that. If there’s not blood and happens. It’s how it happens.” slime on the floor, your feather-beddin’.” 20 “The greatest performance David Gale in horror history.” “Whenever somebody asks me, ‘What’s the greatest performance in horror history?’ There is only one answer. No, it’s not Boris Karloff. No, it’s not Bela Lugosi. No, it’s not Vincent Price. No, it’s not Jamie Lee Curtis or the two guys inside the rubber suit in Creature From the Black Lagoon. No, there is only one perfor- mance that qualifies. And it’s in the great classic Re-Animator, which we’re gonna watch in just a minute. And here’s the part that’ll surprise ya. It’s not Jeffrey Combs, even though his portray- al of Herbert West—the boy ge- nius, mad scientist, who stars in what many regard as the best zombie-mutant-medical experi- ment flick since Basket Case—is faced by David at every stage, phenomenally good. No, the ac- especially since movie scenes tor I speak of is the late, great, are usually shot out of order. So, underappreciated David Gale, he had to be constantly consult- who plays Dr. Carl Hill. And, in ing with director Stuart Gordon the course of that method-acting as to, you know, ‘Let’s see. Is this performance, loses his head half- a head-on or head-off point in way through the movie, but fin- the story? And, if it’s head-off, ishes the movie. I think it’s the am I haulin’ the head like carry- first and only time this has been on luggage or protecting it like a accomplished in motion picture tray of Krispy Kreme donuts on history. And, if you think about a platter?’ So, you can well imag- it, you can imagine the logistical ine how many artistic choices and motivational challenges there are.” 21 Demons “This is a movie that starts with the premise: What if you went to a horror movie and zombies bricked in the theater while you were watchin’ it and pretty soon they were clawin’ the audience into linguini noodles and there was no way to escape? So, that’s pretty much the idea. Anybody can die at any moment.” “I’m talkin’ about Demoni. See, Rarely seen alternative movie poster by Danny Miller. we have to call it Demoni in- stead of Demons because this is one of those Italian classics that is so complicated we can’t even be sure who made it. There are at least six Italian directors involved with it. It’s like all the Italian horror directors from the 70s and 80s got together at a bar in Rome or somethin’ and they said, ‘Hey, here’s something revolting and nauseating. Let’s put that in the movie.’ And everybody would go, “Ruggero! Thank you! Such a genius! We’ll put that in.’ And they’d have some girl named Francesca writing them all down. And, ’Dario, how many fingers get chopped off?’ ’Two fingers... Two and a half fingers.’ ‘Genius, Dario!’ Many people think that this is a Dario Argento flick. But it’s not. It’s directed by Lamberto Bava, son of the great Mario Bava. But, indeed, he was collaborating with Argento, who he regarded as something of a mentor after his father died.” “You don’t want to think about this movie too much, because you might start askin’ questions. Like, ‘Why does the blind man come to the movies?’ I mean, is that a thing in Italy? Do people do this? And where did the guy come from that Liz, the blind man attendant, is dry-humping? And what exactly is the geography here, because people run up the stairs, they run down the stairs, one of the hooker-demon girls suddenly appears behind the movie screen. But everybody’s payin’ such close attention to the movie-within-the-movie that they know the events in the theater are exact copies of the events in the movie because it says some- thing about demons in that Latin book that the douche miraculous- ly knows how to read, that they find in Nostradamus’ tomb. Right? We do know how to trap a demon, though. Coke machine!” 22 “Somebody asked Argento, ‘How much did you contribute to the script?’ And he said, ’Oh, I contributed the part that made this movie about censorship, the idea in the 80s that movies should be banned because they could cause real violence in the real world,” which is why they have all the metal music on the soundtrack. Because the moral crusaders of the time, they were going after both—you know, punk music kills and violent movies kill—so Bava and Argento go, ‘Okay, you want to see what that looks like? Here you go!’ “So, the first demon appears in the form of an enormous, pulsating zit on the face of a prostitute. Now, when I first watched this movie, I didn’t know she was a prostitute. But apparently, according to the conventions of 1985 Italy, if you see a black guy in a leisure suit with two beautiful women, they’re prostitutes.” “For many years [Demons] was on the ‘Too Grisly for Cable’ list. It was banned on American TV. When I say that, I don’t mean just regular cable. I mean it was banned on premium cable. You didn’t see it on Showtime, on Cinemax, The Movie Channel, anywhere. Because it was just considered too disgusting for human eyes. Then you had the “Video Nasty” list over in England. There are at least six different versions of this movie in England. They kept cutting out various scenes, and the weird thing about that is the single most controversial scene didn’t even have anything to do with demons or zombies or gross special effects. It was a scene about drugs.” “Okay, we had the tongue, we had the fangs, we had the drippin’ blood fingernails, we had the scalpin’. We have the aquamarine mouth slime. Lamberto Bava kept coming up with new effects, that he was quite proud of, by the way, because this was way before the era of digital effects. This is the only movie I know of in which slime is mostly turquoise.” “These Italian filmmakers, they never like to shoot anything in Italy. And when they do shoot in Italy they like to make it look like America. So they put Kellogg’s Corn Flakes on the table so you’ll think, ‘Oh wow. We must be in Minnesota.’ Never works, but that’s what they do.” Illustration by Jason Edward Davis/jasonedwarddavis.com 23 The Legend of Boggy Creek “[The Legend of Boggy Creek] will live forever as either the greatest scam in the history of Arkansas or the most sensitive portrayal of exotic wildlife around Fouke, Arkansas. You decide.” “You know, when you think backwoods people look like they about all the creatures and might be part-Wildman them- monsters that we know from selves.” horror flicks—zombies, vam- pires, laboratory freaks, de- mons, elves, ghosts, centaurs, fairies, unicorns, werewolves, giant lizards, leprechauns, ge- nies, dragons, cenobites, slime- gloppola wolf dogs—the most reasonable one, the one we think might just be out there, is the Bigfoot. Sometimes called the Yeti, the Yowie, the Nuckluck, the Momo, the Swamp Ape, the “It doesn’t say ‘based on a true Skunk Ape, the Cryptozoological story.’ It doesn’t say ‘adapted Wilderness Inhabitant. Might be from the folktales of Southwest- a man that looks like an animal. ern Arkansas. It says, right up Might be an animal that looks front, ‘This is a true story.’ And like a man. Might be half-animal, then they used the actual people half-man. Might be a mutant. who encountered the monster Might be some hairy thing that to play themselves in the movie. happened when two forest crea- I honestly don’t think there has tures had sex that shouldn’t have ever been a movie like this, been havin’ sex, like when a don- before or since. And that may be key has sex with a horse, you why, even though it’s grainy and know, creating a mule. That’s jumpy and it’s really dark at why, when you have a movie times, and even though the few about one of these guys, it can be glimpses of the monster that we scarier than a movie about eye- actually get are pretty hokey in ball-eatin’ she-demons because, the costume department, that hell, this might be a documen- may be why it scared the livin’ tary! Expecially if it’s made in crap out of people when it first Arkansas, where some of the came out in 1972.” 24 “We know how to bring [the creature] out of hiding, right? Because we saw that in the last sequence where all the huntin’ dogs got scared off. Wounded rabbit call. Do you know how to do a wound- ed rabbit call? I was not familiar with that particular wily ruse of the Arkansas game hunter. I’ve never heard a wounded rabbit call.” “For two hundred bucks you can go on a primitive Boggy Creek campout. It’s probably one of the Crabtrees who’s runnin’ this. This is a Fouke tourism thing. And if you go on the Boggy Creek campout, they say, ‘Be aware that this is primitive country with wild hogs, snakes, alliga- tors, wildcats, wolves, and perhaps an unknown species.’ I would say he’s pretty damn known at this point, though.” “Okay, Lyle, I’ve figured out the whole thing. And, of all the theories about the Fouke monster, I have never seen my theory in print. So, are you ready? Herb Jones is the Fouke monster. The old coot livin’ out there in the bottoms by himself. Now, here’s my reasons: Numero uno; he’s the only person in Fouke or near Fouke who absolutely claims there is no monster. Okay? Numero two-o; cov- ered with hair, smells bad; everybody says that, right, about the monster. Recognize anybody? Herb’s out there, you know, no showers. Hello! Okay, here’s the ‘coop de-grassy’ on this; all the footprints are three-toed; Herb Jones shot part of his foot off with his own rifle. He has three toes. So, c’mon! A guy who kills wild boars with his bare hands doesn’t actually shoot off his foot. Plus, who does the monster spy on? Who does he appear to? Nubile young high school girls, right? The Fouke monster is a limpin’ pervert with a boat. Remember what he says? He says, ‘It’s about 14 miles by boat to get down here.’ He travels by boat and he has nothin’ to do, although interestingly he says, ‘I never lack for some- thin’ to do.’ Okay? Hello! He’s got a job. What could his job be? He’s pollin’ that boat upstream, jumpin’ out into bean fields and stealin’ chickens and tryin’ to see women in their underwear. Case closed.” “So, my favorite part of that concluding sequence... is when the Sheriff comes by, and his solution to the situation is, ‘Well here, take this shotgun. I’ll just leave it with ya until tomorrow.’” TRIVIA: How many times did actor/musician/cryptozoologist, Lyle Blackburn, say he’d seen The Legend of Boggy Creek? A: 50 times! 25 No mutant will ever forget the soulful Joe Bob sing-along during The Legend of Boggy Creek. Now you can learn the words and join in! The Legend of Boggy Creek Nobody Sees the Flowers but Me Lyrics and Music: Earl E. Smith Lyrics: Earl E. Smith Sung by: Chuck Bryant Music: Jamie Mendoza-Nava Sung by: Jimmy Collins This is where the story plays, A world on which we seldom gaze, Hey Travis Crabtree, A page from the book of yesterdays, Wait a minute for me. Birds and beast and wind and water. Let’s go back in the bottoms, Back where the fish are bitin’, Here beneath the bright blue sky, Where all the world’s invitin’, No man smoke blinds the eagle’s eye. And nobody sees the flowers bloom but me. And things that crawl or swim or fly, Feed and breed and live and die. Hey Travis Crabtree, Here the sulfur river flow, Do you see what I see? On the gentle winds of mornin’, Rising when the storm cloud blows. A million birds are singing, And this is where the creature goes, Like the bells of heaven ringing, Safe within a world he knows. And nobody sees the flowers bloom but me. Perhaps he dimly wonders why, Drop me on a patch of land, There is no other such as I. Never stepped upon by man, To touch, to love, before I die, Where the crystal water flows deep, To listen to my lonely cry. While the falcon flies high, Across the yellow-eyed sky, Lo, ain’t it great to be free? Hey Travis Crabtree, It’s the right life for me, Roamin’ alone in the bottoms, While the birds and beasts are crying, Because the sun is dying, And nobody sees the flowers bloom but me. *All Boggy Creek artwork was painted by Josh Ryals. Ryals has created a set of bubblegum trading cards using his watercolor fan art from The Legend of Boggy Creek, and the entire set is free to print! Visit this link to get yours: https://www.southwestarkansasnews.com/2019/05/ artist-creates-legend-of-boggy-creek.html 26 Stump Joe Bob #1 Stump Joe Bob #2 Darcy: I’ve been talking to your Darcy: I want to do one more fans online and we decided we ‘Stump Joe Bob. want to play a game with you. Joe Bob: Oh yeah, okay, I Joe Bob: I already hate this. Go promised you we would do a ahead. ‘Stump Joe Bob.’ You can’t really Darcy: So, you are the world’s stump me, if it’s a real question foremost expert on horror. though. Correct?” Joe Bob: Yeah, of course. Darcy: Alright, you ready? Darcy: We are gonna play a little Joe Bob: Ready. game called ‘Stump Joe Bob.’ Darcy: Who is the only actor that Joe Bob: ‘Stump Joe Bob.’ gave life to all seven of the most Darcy: Yes. famous horror roles? Fagan in Joe Bob: You can’t stump Joe Oliver Twist, Quasimodo in The Bob. Hunchback of NotreDame, the Darcy: Are you scared? Phantom in The Phantom of the Joe Bob: No. Opera, The Wolfman, The Darcy: Okay. Who was the first Mummy, Frankenstein’s actor, after Boris Karloff, to play monster, and Dracula. Frankenstein’s monster in a film Joe Bob: Is it a trick question? by Universal Pictures? Darcy: Not if you know your Joe Bob: Christopher Lee… horror. Glenn Strange! Joe Bob: Okay, well I think there’s Darcy: Are you sure? Is that your only one guy who ever did Wolf- official answer? Joe Bob: That’s my answer. It’s man. Glenn Strange. Gotta be Glenn Darcy: No. There are two people. Strange. Joe Bob: I was tryin’ to forget Darcy: Okay. So, you’re saying Benicio del Toro. you don’t know. Darcy: He was so hot in that, Joe Bob: No. It’s Glenn Strange. It though. is Glenn Strange. Joe Bob: You think every horror Darcy: Okay, dude. It’s Dale Van actor is hot. Sickel. Darcy: Not every one. Joe Bob: Who the fuck is Dale Joe Bob: Okay, it’s gotta be Lon Van Sickel? Chaney Junior. Darcy: Wrong. I’ll save you from Googling that Fucker: Joe Bob: That’s impossible. Just Dale Van Sickel played Frankenstein’s the Wolfman alone is the give- monster in Hellzapoppin’ (1941). away. It’s Lon Chaney Junior. Christopher Lee played the monster in Darcy: It’s Lon Chaney Senior who played Fagan, Quasimodo, The Curse of Frankenstein (1957). Glenn and the Phantom. And then his Strange played the monster in House of son played the others. He gave Frankenstein (1944), House of Dracula ‘life’ to all seven. Joe Bob: Okay, trick question! (1945), and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948). (Jen) 27 Hellraiser “Best gore flick of the 1980s!” head-slime-monsters that re- “We decided that, maybe instead mind her of your brother Frank, of being such nerds all the time, who she used to have sex with we would show a genuine horror before he got carried off by the classic; a movie that I always put nightmare sex monsters? Sure, on my top ten list, a movie that it’s a common problem, but was probably the best horror what’s unique is Clive’s solution. flick of the 80s, one of the best of One day, while they’re moving all time, certainly one of the into a new house, the weenie most original of all time. The husband slices open his hand on movie that put the horror back a nail and he walks in on his wife in sex, where it belongs. The while she’s dreamin’ about movie that contains images more makin’ the sign of the double- disgusting and disturbing than humped sperm whale with Stormy Daniels’ description of Frank. And he’s sloppin’ 19 gal- Donald Trump’s hotel room. You lons of blood a second on the know what I’m talking about. floor, and he thinks he’s gonna The movie that goes beyond faint, and so the wife gets her S&M, beyond B&D. Made by the stepdaughter to drive him to the writer-director who goes all the hospital, and once he’s gone, way to L-M-N-O-P. Yes, he’s somethin’ under the floor starts from England. And, yes, English drinking the blood. And Frank is horror has a ways to go before it back from devil land with most gets back to the Hammer Films of his skin ripped off and his days, but in 1987 he created blood vessels exposed. But something the world had never here’s the really gross part. He seen. Released by Roger wants to get romantic. And Corman’s New World Pictures, here’s the really grosser part. expected to go straight to video, She wants to get romantic. And but ended up making 35,000,000 here’s the one that makes the bucks. You know what I’m talkin’ vomit meter go off the scale. about. I’m talkin’ about Hellrais- They do get romantic. And their er.” only problem is: they can’t go on “We’ve all been there, right? meetin’ like this. So, Frank needs a whole bunch of blood to stuff We’re makin’ love to our woman and down into his gizzards and start suddenly a bloody, half-formed zombie the world’s most ambitious jumps out of a closet with a switchblade transplant surgery.” and cuts the head off a rat. And, every “Everybody talks about how Frank looks time that happens, suddenly she doesn’t more and more human the more blood he want sex anymore.” drinks. But have you also noticed that “So, what would happen if your Julia becomes more and more beautiful wife is so sick of your sniveling, the more men she kills?” nerdy questions, and your suck- ing up to her every time you “Clive’s a cool guy—he’s a want something, that she starts writer, director, novelist, having sex in the attic with devil- artist—but he’s a scary guy.” 28 “Heads roll before the titles roll.” Pieces “This was from the era in which Linda Day George made about “So, this is it. My last movie on 30 drive-in movies a year. You my last show. And we’re gonna never quite remember what she do a deep dive into the drive-in said in any of them. You know? toilet. We’re gettin’ nasty here at Not that that’s a bad thing. the end. We could’ve ended on Although Linda refused to do Hellraiser, one of the greatest her sex scene in this movie. And movies of the last half-century. that is a bad thing.” But, no, that just wouldn’t be in the spirit of the drive-in oath, “It’s written and directed by a would it? […] We’re about to Spanish guy, Juan Piquer Simon, celebrate one of the weirdest who’s never been to the United movies to come out of the 80s. States but he’s making a movie It’s called Pieces, and it’s exactly about what he thinks American what it sounds like. […] I re- college is like and what viewed this movie at the drive-in American law enforcement is in 1982. I gave it four stars and I like. Hence, two of his classic instantly had the wrath of the lines: ‘The most beautiful thing National Organization of Women in the world is smoking pot and come down on my sorry ass, fucking on a waterbed at the even though I made a public same time,’ which just comes out statement and I’ll repeat it here of nowhere. It’s a line just to tonight: show that these are typical American students” ‘I am violently opposed to the random killing and mutilation of women, “College girls couldn’t travel unless it’s necessary to the plot.’” alone in Spain during the 70s because all the guys thought, “It doesn’t take any talent at all ‘Hey, she’s American, she’s in for a director to hire eight highly college, she probably wants to -trained actors who give great have sex with me on a water- performances and make him bed.’ So, the movie is actually set look good. You know what takes in Boston, talent? Hire eight highly-trained, because acclaimed actors and make sure everybody all of them give the worst per- knows that formances of their life. I don’t Boston is want to give away the plot, be- full of cause that would imply that colleges, there’s a plot. So, just trust me therefore on this one. If you haven’t seen full of it, you’re going to be amazed, waterbed stupefied, and possibly befud- sluts.” dled by the 27 sub-plots that all come together in the final 20 seconds of the final scene.” 29 Joe Bob’s Tribute to John Zacherle “First, I want to take this oppor- tunity, before I sign off from the world of horror hosting, to talk a little about the whole history of horror hosting and how we got here. Because the founder of all horror hosts is a guy named John Zacherle. And John left us in late 2016 at the age of 98, and that had nothing to do with the I don’t think people really un- movie. She was better known as derstood just how great he was. a party girl than a movie host- Channel 10 Philadelphia, a show ess. She was basically a cos-play called Shock Theater, 1957. The act wrapped around a movie. So, first and best of all horror hosts, to hardcore devotees of schlock past or present. At this point I culture, she’s actually better can hear the hysterical screams known for her scenes in the Ed emanating from the west coast. Wood worst-of-all-time, classic ’Well, what about Vampira? movie Plan 9 From Outer Space, What about fucking Vampira, in which she wanders, trance- dude?’ So, pardon the interrup- like, through a graveyard, arms tion while I digress into ex- held straight out in front of her tremely arcane regions of pop like a wind-up mannequin culture. But Vampira was a char- whose battery is running down. acter invented by one Maila Nur- So, Vampira was all about the mi, a Finnish-American chorus pale, white body. You know, be- girl and pin-up model who had cause she’s Finnish! Okay, the breasts the size of horned Viking Fins don’t suntan. And she was helmets, and a tight, black, stuffed into a structurally im- cleavage-enhancing costume probable black dress. That was modeled after a character in the it, okay? Zacherle, on the other New Yorker cartoons of Charles hand, was all about the movie. Addams —a character later used Okay, he also had a toy box full in the hit TV show, The Addams of props and gimmicks and Family. The Vampira Show aired corny gags, but he always relat- on KABC in L.A. in 1954 and ed his material to the movie at 1955. Zacherle’s show, which hand, even going so far as to in- was called Shock Theater, ran sert reaction shots of himself for 92 episodes in Philadelphia into the scenes in the movie us- three years later, 1957-1958. So, ing the Kuleshov effect. The Ku- why isn’t Vampira the first hor- leshov effect was pioneered by ror host? Because all Vampira Sergei Eisenstein in the 1920s, did was perform comedy sketch- in films like Battleship Potem- es before and during the movie kin… The result was that Zach- 30 erle developed a following so prominence in the Bronze Age of loyal that fifty years later people Television, a time when station were still coming up to him at managers had trouble filling up fan conventions, telling him how the programming day. This was much they loved specific epi- especially true at independent sodes. And, by the way, before stations like WCAU. So, for after we leave the world of late-night school they would frequently horror theory, I should point out raid the archives of the movie that the two styles of hosting studios, which had hundreds of have both flourished to the pre- short films produced during The sent day. One school uses the Depression, in order to fill out movie as a springboard for these double-feature blocks. The jokes, the other school uses the studios considered these one movie as the inspiration for and two-reelers worthless. And comedy and commentary. So, then they discovered TV stations Vampira’s throne was inherited would pay licensing fees for for- by Cassandra Peterson, whose gotten programmers like The Elvira character is based on Three Stooges and The Little Vampira. And Cassandra is a Rascals. But the studios were very generous performer. I’ve still wary of television, so they worked with her many times. would not give up their feature And her act is so perfect by now, films. Well, that changed in 1957 she doesn’t even need a movie at when RKO Pictures went out of all to make it work. So, I’m gon- business, and so the first com- na finish this because I don’t plete motion picture library be- think Zacherle got enough credit comes available for licensing. when he died. But Zacherle cre- Now, fortunately for Zacherle, ates this character called Ro- that library included all the films land, a Dracula send-up, in 1957 produced in the 1940s by the at WCAU. And then, over the B-movie horror unit at RKO. next five decades, he hosts doz- That was run by a guy named ens of shows at various TV sta- Vladimir Ivanovich Leventon, tions and he never lost his en- better known as Val Lewton, thusiasm for either the movies who was a failed novelist, or the character that he played. I Russian-American guy. He was worked with him four times, and also sort of a director who made when I first met him in the early his greatest contribution to the 90s he shows up, he has this history of the world by makeup kit, he has a suitcase full overseeing such beloved titles as of props, including a cauliflower The Leopard Man, Bedlam, Isle he used to simulate a human of the Dead, Cat People, I Walked brain, all these various exotic with a Zombie, Body Snatcher, liquids that he used to gore it up The Ghost Ship, those leftovers with. And he lifted those coal from the dying Hollywood stu- black eyebrows he had, and he’s dio system. And those would always doing this sly, mocking become the meat and potatoes version of himself, and he says, ‘I of the first television program to have other ideas as well, Joe thrive in the graveyard shift. Are Bob.’ So, Zacherle burst into you followin’ this so far? Okay, 31 the next decade was chock full of movie hosts on TV, and they all copied the Zacherle formulas, so RKO was able to package Shock Theater as a franchise, like Ernie Anderson. Ernie Anderson was a sketch comedian and the voiceo- ver announcer for KYW Channel 3 in Cleveland. He created this beatnik character called Ghou- was never bothered by it. He lardi. He used the exact same thought everything he did was films that Zacherle used for a shareware. Vampira, on the oth- show, also called Shock Theater, er hand, was not so generous. between 1963 and 1966. Ghou- She sued the producer, the tele- lardi was eventually fired for vision station, and Cassandra this one show where he told Peterson in a nasty bit of litiga- children to blow stuff up. And tion that Cassandra (who was then he moved to Los Angeles, taking the high road) has never where he became the voice of talked about. But most people on the ABC Network. Remember the east coast remember Zach- the guy who says, ‘The Love erle for his 1960s show on WOR Boat.’ That’s Ernie. When I asked Channel 9, the independent sta- him to don the Ghoulardi tion in Secaucus, New Jersey. But makeup and do his bit one last oddly enough his longest run- time, 30 years after that firing, ning gig was Disc-O-Teen, which he still had backstage jitters, was an after-school dance party which is the sign of a true per- aired live by WNJU Channel 47 fectionist. Similar story—Bill from the Mosque Theater in Camfield, ad salesman at KFJD downtown Newark. Zacherle Channel 11 in Fort Worth when always had an affinity for music. he first assumed this nerd char- He had this novelty song, ‘Dinner acter of Icky Twerp, for a show with Drac.’ It hit the Top 10 list, called Slam Bang Theater, that and he had an old friend and fel- was fondly remembered five low Philadelphian named Dick decades later. So, this formula is Clark, who gave him the name repeated across the country, ‘The Cool Ghoul.’ In later years market by market. Station man- he worked as a radio disc jockey, agers asked the sales guy, or he was king of the walk-on guest production guy, or the CPA, you shot, he was the wizard on Cap- know, ‘Suit up and do one of tain Kangaroo. And he always those Zacherle shows!’ But very kept his fees low enough to few of the them could. And that’s make sure he could take the gig. why John Zacherle is the D.W. I never knew him to upstage an- Griffith of all the movie hosts. ybody or steal a line. He was Late night, Saturday morning, happy to be an ensemble player, Thursday afternoon. Because he a character actor when he was invented and perfected all the needed, a star when they wanted formats. He was ripped off by him to do that. And I honestly everybody, includin’ me, but he don’t think he ever knew how 32 beloved he was, but I’m gonna Marine, who was workin’ as tell one story about him and Best Boy or something’, he came then we’ll get on with it. The up to me at 8 in the mornin’ first time I met Zacherle, we because he wanted to find out were tapin’ on this crappy, in- exactly when John Zacherle sert stage. It’s a place that over- would be arriving at the studio. looks the Penn Station Railroad And when Zacherle got there, yards. It’s on 35th Street in New about six of the toughest hom- York. I was workin’ with a New bres I’ve ever worked with, Jersey crew that had been lined up to get his autograph. through the wars. I mean, none And Zacherle cheerfully amused of these guys liked workin’ with them with puns and old bits that celebrities because celebrities he’d been doing for 30 years, waste time, they demand script and then he said, ‘I am at your changes, they’re rude to the service, Joe Bob.’ And he was. He makeup girl. Celebrities wanna was a soldier. He was there to know why we’re shootin’ on a work, and he was there to crappy insert stage on 35th amuse, and he didn't care we Street. Even the nice celebrities were workin’ on a crappy insert never seem to realize that the stage because his whole life had sound guys are there for a rea- been on a crappy insert stage, son, and the lighting tweaks that and he knew the journey was annoy ‘em so much are what not about the stage. It was about make ‘em look beautiful later. the life and the joy that you Anytime the schedule involved create while you’re standing on celebrity guests this hardcore, that stage. So, John Zacherle, I blue collar crew would sort of never got to say this to you, but just steel themselves for trouble wherever you are, ‘This one is and bite their collective tongues. for you.’” But not when it came to Zach- To learn more about John Zacherle, you erle. On the day Zacherle was can visit his website at zacherley.com scheduled as a guest, this ex- 33 Love Letters from the Mutants “I discovered JBB as a special feature on my DVD edition of Jesse James Meets Franken- stein's Daughter. I am a lover of cinema, and would research the history of every movie I liked, but found that it was far easier to find experts on big, popular movies, and few would invest the time in chronicling smaller niche films. I quickly realized Joe Bob was a national treasure for fans of my kind of mov- ies. Since then, I completed a riff of Jesse James, and went on to become a podcaster looking into Pete and Joe Bob cinema that I find obscure, and I have Joe Bob to credit for giving “Joe Bob Briggs introduced me to me the resources to finish that so many horror films like From project. Thanks, man.” Beyond that I would have never Aaron Bostig seen if I didn’t watch MonsterVi- sion. My cinema world-view is always expanded by JBB. It’s re- Hey guys, do me a big favor and go talk freshing that The Last Drive-In about the fanzine in Joe Bob’s fan group doesn’t limit itself to just horror films. JBB really makes all films on Facebook. I’m not on Facebook more delightful. I remember anymore, so it’s not a thing I’m gonna do. how cool and special his presen- I’d really appreciate your help spreading tation of The Warriors was on the word to other fans. Thanks!! (Jen) TNT. He explained on the sub- way map of NYC where the War- facebook.com/JoeBobBriggs riors were on their trek to Coney Island. When JBB followed me back on Twitter some five years ago it blew my mind and filled TRIVIA! What are the two things my heart with joy. Even though in life Joe Bob said you should MonsterVision was long gone always binge on? from TNT, I still kept his work alive by watching YouTube or reading his reviews. Meeting JBB in Tucson this year was a dream come true. He even agreed to a back-to-back 60s ‘Batman and and Wild Turkey Robin’ style picture.” Pete Soards A: Horror flicks 34 “Joe Bob was/is my movie host. I Adam and Joe Bob knew who Elvira was after seeing Mistress of the Dark, but I didn't realize she was a bonafide horror host for some few years after. Joe Bob, on the other hand, had pissed off my granddad on more than one occasion. The bastion of 50s conservatism, This is Adam Cook* with Joe Bob whenever I'd throw on a day- at Days of the Dead in 2015 time replay of MonsterVision, (*who is not Chuck U. Farley, in he'd cuss and spit that I was case you were confused). watching this ‘trash.’ I didn't know what I was watching at the time, just that I loved it. I loved “I have watched every single one horror movies, from the Troll 2 [of the marathons],” says Gra- end of the spectrum to the John ham Skipper, the star of horror Carpenter's The Thing end, and movies Almost Human and Be- JB's commentary always had me yond the Gates and the writer- rolling, even when I didn't know director of the 2017 sci-fi thrill- what the hell he was talking er Sequence Break. “We had a about; delivery is important. bunch of friends over to our When Shudder brought him house for Thanksgiving, and for back, I couldn't have been the most part none of them real- happier. Here I am, entering mid ly were horror fans. I turned on -life, finding myself ever more the Joe Bob marathon, and they nostalgic for simpler times, and were so drawn in by Joe Bob’s they give me back what is easily intro that they watched the film. one of my top five favorite parts At the end, all of them turned to of my youth. So I'm not waxing me and said, ‘Holy shit, we had his car too much, I want to give no idea this movie was so good.’ Darcy some love. I honestly can't I think that is why Joe Bob is so really remember the earlier mail special.” — Clipped from an girls. I'd be lying if I said I didn't ew.com article titled How movie know her from before her time critic Joe Bob Briggs' new show as the Mail Girl extraordinaire, united horror fans — and broke but she absolutely kills it. The the internet, written by Clark looks she gives JB has me spit- Collis; March 25, 2019. ting my beer out almost every time. She's an amazing balance. To wrap this up, I like what Want to be included in a you're doing here. I have to fight future issue? Send your fan the urge to horde my fandoms, but Joe Bob and Darcy should be photos and love letters for placed on a pedestal at the feet Joe Bob Briggs to of which the world, at large, can revel. [email protected] Truly yours, Chuck U. Farley with “Fan Mail” in the subject line. 35 This was one of Joe Bob’s longest and most memorable rants from the reboot marathon. Enjoy, and learn! “You know what burns my effect scenarios, okay? Maybe bacon? It’s when you’re tryin’ to the reason you got jostled from talk to somebody and they won’t behind three times today in the stop fiddlin’ with their phone. mall is that you were stopping, Stop fiddlin’ with your phone, starting again, standing still, okay? This is my theme today. then jerking around in the By the way, we’re almost to the middle of the walkway while 26% point of the 9,000 hour Joe fiddlin’ with your phone. Okay, a Bob Briggs Last Drive-In mara- second example. Perhaps there’s thon. So, I thought we might a connection between the dazed, need to show a movie that vacant look on your face when doesn’t make a lick of sense. the bus driver asks you for the Because we haven’t had one of fourth time to remove your those yet, so we’re going to backpack and the fact that, watch The Prowler in just a instead of observing the preg- minute, from 1981. Not the most nant woman trying to squeeze famous slasher film that ever past you, you were in fact fid- came down the pike. And since dling with your phone. But let’s it’s impossible to watch The continue. I think there might be Prowler without outside stimu- some correlation between the lation - if you know what I mean, fact that you failed to acquire and I think you do - you should some dude’s business card go to work on that right now during the conference you had instead of later. Tom Savini did downtown, causing you to all the kill scenes in this movie frantically search for him later and they’re stellar. They may be on LinkedIn, and the fact that too stellar. They go on forever. during the actual presentation But, anyway, just to get this you were mostly, yes, fiddlin’ phone thing off my chest, I want with your smart phone. Now you to consider some cause and why is it called a smart phone? 36 Because it’s not smart, it’s a beige Chevy Camaro driven by a computer. It’s dumb. It requires suspect named Cletus. You are a smart person to operate it. It’s not going to see that Chevy Ca- probably called a smart phone to maro. You are not going to rec- disguise the fact that it’s likely to ognize Cletus. You are being fid- be operated by a dumb person, dled with because you spend too thereby making it more damn much time fiddlin’ with marketable to consumers in your phone. Many years ago, need of remedial IQ points. The Oprah Winfrey told you to stop next time you go to the chiro- fiddlin’ with your phone while practor, ask him why your spine driving. Did you listen? Today has recently taken on the shape there are 8 deaths and 1,161 of a Neanderthal with scoliosis. injuries per day caused by He might tell you that it’s be- motorists fiddlin’ with their cause you spend 14 hours a day phones. When Hurricane Harvey with your neck bent down at a hit Houston, were you con- 57 degree angle so you can fid- cerned about your possible dle with your goddamn phone. death? Or that you might not Now I want you to consider have access to food and water? some recently gathered facts No, you were not. You were about Steve Jobs, for example. frantically banging on the door And, by the way, when Steve of the Baptist Church to find out Jobs arrived at the gates of whether their electrical outlets Heaven, Gabriel was not there to still worked so that you could greet him, there were no trum- recharge and fiddle with your pets, and the gates remained goddamn phone. You’re one of closed all day, because the arch those people who compose long angels were fiddling with their emails on your phone, aren’t ya? fucking phones! But my point is Aren’t ya? You’re trying to re- that when Apple told you that establish contact with your Amber alerts are needed on eve- scuba guide on the Great Barrier ry phone in America, they were Reef and when you finally meet being ridiculously self-righteous up later you say, ‘You didn’t get in order to impress Congress so my email?’ No, he didn’t get your that they could continue to man- email! He was 20 meters down ufacture phones in Guangdong in a shark cage, okay!? Have you province sweatshops, therefore ever wondered why there’s a when your phone starts silhouette of an iPhone on your squawkin’ like an air raid siren, stomach? It’s because instead of frightening the ducks in Central tanning at the beach like a Park, causing you to dump your normal person you have been Italian ice on your date, the re- fiddling with your sand- sult will not be the rescue of Am- encrusted phone. Airplane ber from a pedophile. Since you Mode, alright! Airplane Mode have chosen to let your phone was invented so that you could run your life, you are now at the fiddle with your phone while mercy of a junior grade police flying. But that wasn’t good lieutenant in Allentown, Penn- enough for you. You never even sylvania, who is searching for a turn on Airplane Mode, do you? 37 You’re texting your Latvian camera! And you know why? lover. I know you are! When Because I don’t want anybody they finally recover the debris saying, ‘Take a picture of your- from Malaysian Airlines Flight self.’ I’m tired of taking pictures 370 they will find, clutched in a of myself! That would require death grip, a phone that was try- me to excessively fiddle with my ing to ping the tower on Diego phone. Eastman Kodak doesn’t Garcia. You use Snap Chat, don’t make phones. Apple and Sam- ya? And yet you want me to take sung shouldn’t make cameras. you seriously? The phone totally The next time I see you standing controls your life. On the one in the middle of the street fid- hand you’re ready at a moment’s dlin’ with your phone I’m gonna notice to shoot video of the rac- yell, ‘That cop over there just ist cop blowin’ away a motorist shot that guy while Lady Gaga and then plantin’ a throw-down was going into the corner deli gun. And, on the other hand, with Anthony Weiner. Tweet it! you’re ready to send me a selfie Tweet it now!’ I’ll do it. Don’t of yourself with a dog nose. You test me.” always keep that video app ready in case your math profes- sor says something gross about women, so you can get him fired later, and you make sure that the play button is active and ⅛” from your thumb any time you complete board a United Airlines flight “One of the great things about because, after all, if it wasn’t for working at Shudder, as social media there would be no order in the world. Sometimes opposed to a real network, is you fiddle with your phone that we can go into the while fiddlin’ with yourself, archives and show stuff that’s don’t ya? Anthony Weiner didn’t invent that - he just perfected it. kind of ridiculous. If we were Now this is not only gross. It’s at NBC, there’d be an executive potential jail time, so I hope or a marketing person who you’re entertaining an FBI agent. I really do. The last time I went would say, ’No way, Jose. The into T-Mobile, I was told the audience is going to surf out as phone I wanted cost 850 bucks. So I said, ‘You just spent five soon as they see the crappy minutes describing how cool the production value.’ So, thank camera is on this phone, so give God we have Shudder and an me a phone with no camera and audience that’s too lazy to take off 200 bucks.’ And the guy says, ‘There is no phone with no surf out.” A: 150 times! camera.’ This was his actual re- ply. ‘There is no phone with no TRIVIA! How many times did camera.’ He said, ‘You don’t want Felissa Rose tell Joe Bob she a camera?’ No, I don’t want a had watched Sleepaway Camp? 38 Several of the podcasts I regularly listen to talked about the first Joe Bob marathon, and I wanted to share them all. But I’m running out of space in this li’l ‘zine so I decided to pick just one. I chose Bloody Good Horror because the main host, Eric, harbors feelings similar to my own with regard to Joe Bob. The following is excerpted from episode 482. I omitted word whiskers and side tangents so you are just getting the juiciest parts of the peach here. Enjoy! (Jen) Eric: Let’s talk about the event that rocked the horror community this weekend, you guys. Joe Bob Briggs coming back to life with The Last Drive-In. Let’s talk about feelings. He did break the inter- net. I’m curious, Joe, your experience because you talked about, you know, sort of not realizing how nostalgic you might be for this, but I’m sitting there Friday night - I’ve been waiting for this thing for weeks. I keep telling my wife, ‘Look, I’m doing this thing on Fri- day night.’ She was very understanding. Time’s clicking. We’re counting down. By 8:30, something took me by surprise. I literally started feeling like - you know that feeling when you’re a kid on Christmas morning and you want to get up but it’s like 4:00am and you can’t get up and you’ve got butterflies in your stomach? I got so excited for this thing before it happened. How were you feeling, going into this? Joe: The more you’ve been talking about it week to week, I’ve got- ten more excited about it. I, Friday and Saturday nights, would watch Joe Bob Briggs - a lot of times with your older brother, actu- ally. So, the more you talked about it, the more I got interested. So, I signed back up for Shudder literally that Friday afternoon. And the same thing - as it was getting closer, the more excited I was get- ting. I thought, ‘I’ll turn it on here and there, check it out,” but I le- git was excited to see it kick off. And then it just didn’t. Eric: Friday at work, Mark [Eric’s younger brother] and I g-chatted all day long, and I said, ‘I don’t want to say this out loud on Twitter, because I don’t want to put this kind of negative energy out in the world, but I just feel like Shudder doesn’t get it, and they’re about to crash. And Mark was like, ‘Do you really think there’s that many people that are interested in it?’ I’m like, ‘I can guarantee you it’s more people than Shudder normally has watching their live- stream on any given day.’ The thing was they were giving away a free trial, so it was zero impact if you wanted to buy in and just check this thing out. I think their thought - and it’s probably a smart one - was, ‘Let’s just get people in the door and if they like the service and think it’s worth paying for…’ so I’m sitting there. I 39 have my computer and my iPad going, and Night of the Living Dead is playing. That was the movie before it started. And it hit the cred- its and you could tell they were about to do something and literally the screen just went black. And I was like, ‘Oh…’ I’m sure I cursed. I’m sure I said something. And I hit refresh on my iPad, nothing. This was literally me for the next 45 minutes. Refresh, nothing. Re- fresh, nothing. John: You forgot the part where you texted us 75 times. Eric: I go to Twitter. People on Twitter! Twitter lost it’s G.D. mind on Friday night because this thing was going down. And, of course, when something goes down, what do you keep doing? I was literally refreshing with two devices. It was the worst possible thing. You’re just pinging the [server] over and over. It went on for a while. Joe: It was like two hours. Eric: So, here’s the weird thing. About forty-five minutes in, around 9:45 at night, and I’m already just completely pissed off at this point. My wife’s avoiding me. I refresh and, at one point, suddenly it starts up. So, the third movie they played that night - it would have hit around 2:00am or something - was Rabid. Joe Bob comes on. Mind you, I haven’t even seen the opening of the show because it’s been crashed. [...] Suddenly, out of nowhere, the beginning of the third movie pops up and it’s Joe Bob being like, ‘Well, it’s the middle of the night.’ And I’m like, ‘No it’s not dude. It’s 9:45.’ So, at some point the system melting down caused it to start serving peo- ple things out of order, which is real bad. And then the whole illu- sion shattered for me. I was real pissed. Finally, I was in bed, ready to give up. 11:00 o’clock I refreshed again and it seemed to pick up where it should have been, which was either the beginning of, or a little bit into, the original Sleepaway Camp, which was the second movie. So, I watched some of that. Joe: I went to bed after it had been down for about two hours. I never even got anything to load. And then I randomly woke up at 3:00am and The Prowler was on. I just wanted to see if it was actually working ,so I checked it and that was on and then [Joe Bob] popped on and I ended up watching for an hour and a half. Eric: That’s awesome. Dude, The Prowler’s great. Really, my only complaint about it was the technical stuff. I woke up Saturday morning. You know, I have a toddler, so I got up at like 6:00am. I threw it on while I’m making breakfast and it was some crazy Italian or Spanish lesbian vampire movie or something. Joe: Oh yeah! I actually thought that was really good. I’d never seen that before. Eric: They cut to him and he’s got a map of Europe and he’s point- ing out the river that we’re on and where the chateau is and shit. It was amazing. Saturday was great. All day long, I had stuff to do. We 40