You Were Right About Me (a long-overdue apology) ————————————————————————————————————————— To the brony community, and to my friends, former friends, colleagues, and former colleagues therein: A day or so ago, Josh Dean (one of my direct successors as BronyCon chair, and the longest serving of the former chairs) wrote a lengthy thread (the core thrust of which began with this tweet) in which he addressed me as “perhaps this fandom's worst internet bully”. I raged and frothed against this for days, even as I slowly came to the realisation that at least some of his words had merit. Today, after a lengthy and productive conversation with a remarkable friend, it hit me. Not just “some” of Josh’s words had merit. His entire thread had merit. His central thesis, that I am “perhaps this fandom's worst internet bully”, is entirely correct. I am, and always have been, perhaps this fandom's worst internet bully. Josh was spot on the money. He called me out and I am rightfully called. I contain within me a monstrous and indiscriminate anger, and when it comes out I become a nightmare. Many people in the fandom loathe me, many people are afraid of me, and many people look down on me for my actions. And with the possible rare exception of anyone who may hate me out of simple bigotry, in virtually every case I deserve the loathing people feel for me. The fear people feel for me is well-founded. And I deserve to be thought less of for my actions. I have earned your contempt. Josh: You were right about me. This letter is the full, unvarnished, unconditional apology the fandom has long since deserved from me. I hope it is sufficient. If there is something I missed, feel free to email me or DM me on Twitter. TO JOSH, SHIR, AND DEXANTH: I am so, so sorry for how I've treated you over your handling of the #GrizzlyTheMedic issue with regard to BC/Lunar Solis. I was wrong, completely wrong, in so many of the things I said and did to you. At some point, failing to reach my goal, I crossed the moral event horizon and became a bully and a menace. My intentions are irrelevant to this; bullying is bullying and abuse is abuse and manipulation is manipulation. I bullied, abused, and manipulated you and your coworkers. I fear that there is nothing I can ever do to make up for this, but if you feel that there is, either now or in the indefinite future, you need only name it. As I noted above, Josh called me “perhaps the fandom's greatest bully.” And as I noted above, Josh was right. I only hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me, for all the pain I have caused. And I know that for that to happen, I have to exhibit significant and long-lasting personal growth. I do not expect you to ever forgive me, but I will work to become the kind of person who is worth forgiving. I have deleted (to the best of my knowledge) all of my abusive tweets directed at you (Josh, Shir, Dexanth), as well as at BronyCon, from the past few days. If I missed any, feel free to let me know (e.g. via Dex?) and I will immediately remove them. REGARDING ABBY AND STEVE: I am deeply sorry for all the pain I have caused to Abby Starling and Steve Streza. I know they have blocked me— deservedly so— and though I anticipate they will see this at some point, I am not seeking a response. I have rightfully and truly lost them as friends, and I earned that; I never expect to hear from them ever again, nor have I earned the right to do so. No, rather, I am telling the WORLD this, in my repentance, as a necessary act of penance. I now realise that my entire multi-year falling-out with Leekfish was, unambiguously, without the slightest equivocation, 100% the result of my own actions. It started with a minor mistake I made, which I compounded into a major mistake, and finally into me badgering and harassing Abby and people close to her. It was unconscionable. I was awful, and I pushed her away, and there is nothing I can do to make up for it. Abby described me as “abusive” and she was right. I was emotionally abusive multiple times over. I was wrong, and I deserved to lose Abby as a friend. I earned this loss, but Abby and Steve did not deserve my ire. My behaviour was disgusting and hurtful and I am both ashamed and guilty. I have deleted (to the best of my knowledge) all of my abusive tweets directed at Abby and Steve from the past few days. If I missed any, if anyone points them out to me via Twitter (@prpltnkr) or email (prpltnkr@gmail.com), I will immediately remove them. TO THE OLD BRONIES-NYC / BroNYCon CREW: I was an overbearing, rude, boorish boss who simultaneously lacked the willingness and aptitude to know when to delegate, and yet took upon herself the air of a martyr when inevitably a disproportionate amount of work fell upon her shoulders. It was due to my own poor managerial skills that I was overworked. And no one— not one of you— deserved an arrogant, brutal, orders-barking, unstable and menacing leader like me. You deserved better. For years, I have been bitter that you rejected helping me when I was mocked on national TV for my gender-incongruous appearance. I now know that I did not earn your help. You had every right to not back me, regardless of how terrible what BravoTV did was, as I had repeatedly been awful to you. You owed me nothing. My inability to mount a successful protest against BravoTV was a failure of my own making, because I pushed away the people who might have, had I behaved better, come to my aid. In the end, once you were no longer beholden to at least listen to me as staffers, you shunned me almost to a one, leading me to exile myself to the West Coast. It is an exile that I richly deserved. The pain that I feel every time I visit New York City, the emotional minefield that Manhattan has become— it is pain that I earned. It is not on you. It is on me. You didn’t ruin NYC for me; I ruined it for myself, through my own behaviour. Also: You saved BronyCon when I failed. I owe you more than I can ever repay, and you quite possibly saved the entire brony convention scene from mid 2012 onwards. What you did was heroic and laudable, and those who picked up the slack I left unironically deserve medals. Thank you forever. TO "KICK-NECKBEARD-ASS" (sorry to my readers, that's literally her handle): You definitely did some absolutely horrific things to me. But at this point, I forgive you completely. The fact of the matter is, I was an active, enthusiastic participant in the increasingly vitriolic arguments we had years ago, which led to you turning from a former friend and colleague to the worst enemy I have ever had. I created my own villain. Had I not participated in the process of escalating rage between us, you would never have done the awful things you did to me. And, since my own actions led to you hating me, I cannot truly begrudge you for the hatred, however many times you yourself have also crossed the moral event horizon, as I have. I miss our old friendship, even as I know I will never get it back, nor do I deserve it back. I hope that you can find some peace in these words if they ever reach your eyes, and, again, I am sorry. I am open to deleting any and all tweets about you, should you request (either on your own or via a third-party intermediary). No exceptions. TO EVERYONE ELSE I HAVE BULLIED (excluding trolls and bigots): I was wrong. Regardless of why I bullied you, regardless of why I emotionally abused or manipulated you, only I am to blame. I am so, so sorry. My email address is prpltnkr@gmail.com; if I can ever do anything to make amends, please reach out to me. TO THE TROLLS AND BIGOTS: You, like me, have done awful things, and for that in some cases you deserved at least some of my anger. But what you didn’t deserve was outright harassment. Harassing anyone, even the worst person, seldom leads to a good outcome; in fact, it may perpetuate a cycle of abuse, or even make bad people even worse people. And while I can’t recall any specific examples of my reaction to trolls or bigots crossing the line into harassment or abuse, I’d bet that I did in fact cross that line at least once. And if so, I’m sorry for that. In that, I failed you, and I failed myself. I made you worse people, I debased myself, and I accomplished nothing of value. I know that many abusive actions— like my bullying tactics— come from a position of pain. I believe that for a lot of you, the reason you troll people, the reason you are bigoted, is that you are yourselves in pain on some level. I hope that you find relief or coping mechanisms for that pain, and through that process, that you learn to not troll, to not be bigoted. And I’m deeply sorry not just to you but to your victims if at any time, with any of you, I made you worse people through my actions. TO SONYA: You have been an absolute saint for standing by my side through all these years, despite my intolerable behaviour. I have not deserved your repeated kindness, nor your repeated acts of assistance. All too often I have used you as the verbal punching-bag for my wrath, and every single one of those times, you have come back to me a steadfast friend and ally, not only forgiving me but urging me, sometimes begging me, to do better. You’ve given me tons of free good advice that I did not deserve and shown me a loyalty that I have not earned. You are a good person, by far a better person than I have been or have deserved to know. I am so, so sorry for all the pain I have caused you. TO A CERTAIN STEALTH TRANS PERSON: When I realised you were trans, I repeatedly harassed and browbeat you for your refusal to out yourself. I guilt-tripped and nagged you who knows how many times, trying to pressure you to come out publicly as trans, as I felt you would be a better representative of trans MLP folks than me. Of course you would; very frequently I have been a piss-poor representative of trans MLP folks, or even of basic human decency. It was monstrous of me to try to pressure you to out yourself. It was wrong of me to repeatedly guilt-trip you because you chose not to be an activist. And through doing all of this, in my dealings with you, I was over and over not just a terrible activist, but a terrible human being. I shouldn’t have tried to force you to make yourself an activist. I should have worked on making myself a better activist, and a better person. You have consistently been one of the finest people I have ever met in this fandom or any other. I have not deserved your repeated grace and kindness, nor even the right to speak to you, after what I have done. Time after time, you have shown yourself to be not just a stellar human being, but forgiving far beyond what I have earned from you. You are a gift not just to the pony community, but to the world. IN CONCLUSION: I am not writing this in a plea for pity. I do not want pity, nor do I deserve pity, nor am I in a state of self-pity. I feel guilt, and I feel shame, and I feel sadness and exhaustion, but I feel no pity for myself. The pain that I feel, I completely deserve, for hurting so many people so many times. Only through feeling and processing this pain can I even hope to learn. No, I am writing this because writing this is the right thing to do. For me to grow as a person, I have to confront my own sins, be honest, and make a full admission of guilt. Mea Culpa. My only hope in response to all of this, all of my past ills, is that I can heal and better myself, and perhaps help to mend some of the damage I have wrought. If after all I have done, any of you reading are willing to offer me advice, my ears are open. Humbly, PT
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