Preparing for a Challenging Conversation A Four Step Guide Saying what matters and standing up for yourself, whilst maintaining a good connection with the other person at the same time, can be challenging. Whether in the workplace, in family life or in intimate relationship, spending some time getting clear in yourself first is highly likely to raise your chances of being heard. The steps in this guide have been designed to prepare you for a challenging conversation with renewed confidence and clarity. It will take between 10 - 20 minutes to complete (or take as long as you need). ALEXANDRA NORMAN | info@mindthegapnvc.com | www.mindthegapnvc.com Step 1: Getting clear in yourself What actually happened? Recall the observable, non disputable facts of the situation. This is easier said than done! Can you find the observation that they would also agree with? x She is never on time/ she’s always late and so unreliable She arrived 15 minutes after the agreed time, two times this week Listening to your thoughts Listen to all of your judgements, thoughts, evaluations and frustrations about the other person, or the situation. Don’t hold anything back here. Write it down or get a friend to listen to you. x Don’t begin the conversation from this point in the process! Make sure you finish the other steps first. She’s driving me crazy./ She’s so inconsiderate and unreliable/ She’s just selfish and rude/ I can’t believe I let people treat me like this etc How do you feel about it now? Go back to what actually happened. Check out the Feelings list (attached below), and ask yourself how do I feel right now when I think about this? Slow right down, scan your body and see if you can name any actual felt sensations. x I feel like she doesn’t consider me/ I feel that she’s selfish (these are thoughts) I feel annoyed, and disheartened Step 1: Continued What are you needing? Your human feelings are pointing you to a human need. Scan the Needs list (attached below), and see if you can identify what need/s of yours are calling for attention in this situation. Locating and naming the need will usually come with a sense of relief, or a sigh. Pause here and breathe. x I need her to think about other people for a change and be reliable (this is a strategy not a need) I need consideration, trust and reliability What would you like? Now that you have figured out what’s at the heart of the matter, see if you can think of a few ways the other person could help you meet your needs. If you can’t think of anything concrete, consider simply asking them how it is to hear what you’ve said. They might come up with a suggestion of their own which could work for both of you. x She should just be on time in the future/ I need her to be more reliable. I’d like her to text ahead if she’s going to be late and give me at least one hours notice (a request to support concrete agreement). Or, I’m going to ask her how this is for her to hear? (a request to create connection). Step 2: Prepare what you’re going to say When I think about you saying/ doing … (state only the observation) I feel … Because I need … So how would it be for you to …? (state your specific request) x Do not use any of the judgments, interpretations and evaluations from ‘Listening to your thoughts’ in Step 1. Aim to keep this statement short and sweet, to maintain connection with the other person. Step 3: Remember they really are human too! Can you see the humanness in the person you are about to talk to? Have another look at the Feelings list and Needs list and see if you can have a guess at what their experience might be in this situation. Don’t worry: you don’t have to like or approve of their action or behaviour, to have empathy for what they did or said. x I don’t even think she has any feelings and needs, she has just been sent to test me! Hmmm, maybe she is feeling anxious or embarrassed? and needing flexibility and understanding? or a chance to be heard? If you notice that this step stimulates more judgement or pain then revisit Step 1 before going forward. Step 4: Choose a good time to talk You’re good to go but don’t forget this last step! Make sure you are in the right mood ie.not tired, or tense, or stressed and check that they are in the right head space too. Let them know how long you’d like to chat for, so they can be in full choice to participate. x We need to talk. Would now be a good time to have a 5 minute chat? Depending on the level of trust in the relationship, try opening up and admit that you feel a bit nervous or awkward about what you want to say. Being vulnerable can often support the other person to regulate their emotions and be more receptive to hear you. Vulnerability. The last thing I want you to see in me. The first thing I look for in you. Brene Brown Universal Human Feelings List Anger and frustration: angry, enraged, defensive, infuriated, upset, annoyed, agitated, cranky, irritable, indignant, sullen frustrated, exasperated, impatient, resentful, averse, appalled, disgusted, disturbed, horrified, repulsed, jealous, bitter, envious, resentful, upset, Fear and anxiety: anxious, jittery, tense, apprehensive, restless, uneasy, confused, torn, ambivalent, baffled, overwhelmed, discombobulated, embarrassed, contrite, flustered, ashamed, self conscious, scared, frightened, concerned, panicky, terrified, worried, shocked, alarmed, disturbed, stunned, unsettled, Joy and contentment: calm, peaceful, relaxed, serene, tranquil, curious, absorbed, interested, fascinated, excited, ecstatic, enthusiastic, giddy, thrilled, exhilarated, adventurous, energetic, exuberant, focused, alert, awake, clear headed, grateful, appreciative, touched, moved, expansive, hopeful, heartened, inspired, invigorated, alive, healthy, robust, joyful, amused, blissful, cheerful, elated, happy, loving, affectionate, friendly, passionate, relieved, at ease, light, mellow, safe, comfortable, confident, empowered, secure, satisfied, content, fulfilled, pleased, Sadness and grief: sad, teary, dejected, depressed, melancholic, somber, hurt, heartbroken, devastated, lonely, grief stricken, disconnected, bored, detached, distant, indifferent, numb, vulnerable, guarded, helpless, lost, sensitive, tender, tired, burnt out, exhausted, fatigued, lethargic, sleepy, worn out, disappointed, discouraged, disheartened, downhearted, hopeless, despairing, despondent, helpless, forlorn, yearning, pining, grieving, longing, wishing Some thoughts disguised as feelings: abandoned, abused, attacked, betrayed, bullied, blamed, cheated, criticised, ignored, intimidated, manipulated, misunderstood, neglected, overworked, patronised, pressured, provoked, rejected, put down, threatened, tricked, taken for granted, threatened, unappreciated, unsupported, unwanted, used Universal Human Needs List subsistence, physical well being, air, health, food, movement, physical safety, rest, shelter, sleep, touch, water, security, consistency, order, peace, peace of mind, predictability, protection, reassurance, reliability, safety (emotional), stability, structure, trust, freedom, autonomy agency, choice, ease, independence, respect power, self responsibility, space, spontaneity, relaxation, humour, joy, play, pleasure, rejuvenation, connection, affection, appreciation, attention, closeness, companionship, harmony, intimacy, love, nurturing, sexual expression, support, tenderness, warmth, to matter, acceptance, care, compassion, consideration, empathy, kindness, mutual recognition, respect, to be heard, to be seen, to be known, to be understood, to be trusted, understanding others, community, belonging, communication, co-operation, equality, inclusion, mutuality, participation, partnership, self expression, sharing, sense of self, authenticity, competence, creativity, dignity, growth, healing, honesty, integrity, self acceptance, self care, self connection, self knowledge, self realisation, to matter to my self, understanding, awareness, clarity, discovery, learning, making sense of life, stimulation, meaning, aliveness, challenge, consciousness, contribution, creativity, effectiveness, exploration, intention, purpose, vitality, transcendence, beauty, celebration of life, communion, faith, hope, inspiration, mourning, inner peace, presence Attending a workshop or engaging in some private coaching is recommended to put these techniques to best use. If the conversation you are preparing for is a hard one; if you don’t understand some of the instructions on this sheet; or, if you’re simply curious to learn more? then I’d love to hear from you. Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field, I will meet you there... Rumi ALEXANDRA NORMAN | info@mindthegapnvc.com | www.mindthegapnvc.com If you, or anyone you know is in any danger or in need of urgent support (in Australia): • For a life - threatening Emergency dial 000 • For emergency emotional support call Lifeline at 131114 • For sexual or domestic violence dial 1800 RESPECT
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