FADE UP: ACT ONE SCENE ONE A large, dim tent. Five boy scouts and their scout leader enter the tent carrying large hiking backpacks and sleeping bags. SCOUT LEADER A+ work, campers! Willy, you earned yourself the Expert Tent Pitcher badge. 3 Badge points! KEVIN Huh? Why does Willy get the badge? JACK What gives, scout leader?! SCOUT LEADER No gripes, campers. Willy did the most work. The rest of you earned the Junior Tent Pitcher badge. 1 Badge point. LOUIE But Willy took the most stakes! JACK Yeah, we didn’t have a chance to get that badge! WILLY I still finished before you did. JACK Blow me, Will! SCOUT LEADER Jack, that is not scoutsman language. LOUIE There’s no way he coulda done it so fast. 2. JACK Scout leader, I made sure every stake was super deep. I pushed them in as hard as I could. My stakes are the best. They’re like concrete. Jack wanders to an end of the tent and kicks the stake. JACK Ya see? Ya see? It’s stuck in there. Jack wanders to a different stake. He kicks it out with ease. JACK Look! Willy’s is barely even in the ground! SCOUT LEADER Alright, campers. JAIME You barely even kicked yours, you liar! JACK No, I barely kicked his! SCOUT LEADER Settle down cowboys. WILLY Well I didn’t think anybody was gonna kick it outta the ground. JACK Ya didn’t have to! It should be deep enough anyway. SCOUT LEADER What happened to our no gripe policy? WILLY (UNDER HIS BREATH) Sorry I didn’t make it retard proof. SCOUT LEADER Scouts! Enough! I have a right mind to give you all demerits! JACK What did you say? 3. WILLY Nothing. JACK Did you just call me a retard? SCOUT LEADER Hey! WILLY No. JACK What’d you say? Huh? What’d you say, Willy Wetpants? WILLY Shut up! JAIME Leave him alone, Jack. KEVIN What’s wrong? You mad we’re picking on your boyfriend? WILLY I’m not his boyfriend! SCOUT LEADER ENOUGH. Take a knee! Take a knee! The scouts take a knee. SCOUT LEADER You lot are makin’ me real irked! Not just anybody gets the chance to become an Eagle Scout, y’know! You lot are supposed to be the best and brightest the scouts have offer, but you’re actin’ like a bunch of sissies! You lot better make nice lickety split if you don’t want this week to turn into a sourpuss convention. Now I get it, boys. I was like you, once. I would do anything just to become an Eagle Scout. So I put my nose to the grindstone, comprende? EVERYONE Yes, Scout Leader. 4. SCOUT LEADER Now this ain’t a race. You all have a chance to become Eagle Scout. Unless you wanna win that Xbox, in which case, you bet your bum it’s a race. Regardless, no badge points for worrywarts. Do I make myself clear? EVERYONE Yes, Scout Leader. SCOUT LEADER Willy, Jack. Make nice. WILLY Sorry, Jack. JACK It’s okay. SCOUT LEADER Salute, scouts. The boys spit in their hands and shake. SCOUT LEADER Good. That being said, Jack, you earned yourself an Expert Tent Pitcher badge. Willy, you’ve been demoted to Junior. JACK WILLY Yes! What?! WILLY What for? SCOUT LEADER Jack’s right, kid. The stakes you planted were practically laying on the dirt. When you do something, do it well. That’s how you become and Eagle Scout. WILLY But- SCOUT LEADER For Pete’s sake, Willy. How many time I gotta say no gripes? WILLY Sorry. 5. SCOUT LEADER Okay! That’s what I like to see, scouts. Louie. Unpack the food. It’s time for dinner. LOUIE Huh? SCOUT LEADER Unpack the food, Louie. LOUIE I didn’t bring the food. SCOUT LEADER Louie, don’t kid around. LOUIE I wasn’t suppose’ta bring the food. SCOUT LEADER Louie, I put you in charge of the food. Where’s the food? LOUIE I wasn’t in charge of the food! Jaime was! JAIME What? No. SCOUT LEADER Don’t kid around, Louie. You were supposed to bring the food. Where is it? KEVIN Scout Leader? SCOUT LEADER Shut it, Kevin. Louie? LOUIE I-I don’t have it. SCOUT LEADER Come again? Come again, Louie? LOUIE I didn’t bring the food. 6. SCOUT LEADER You didn’t bring the food? LOUIE N-no. SCOUT LEADER Please clarify. For this week-long retreat, we are going to need food. Right? LOUIE I mean... yeah. SCOUT LEADER But we don’t have any? LOUIE Maybe. I don’t know. Check the bags. SCOUT LEADER Jaime. Look through our bags. Jaimie opens every bag. As he does so. SCOUT LEADER Louie, what is a scout’s most important duty? LOUIE Responsibility. SCOUT LEADER What? LOUIE Responsibility? SCOUT LEADER Are you positive? LOUIE I- I don’t know. SCOUT LEADER You don’t know? How do expect to be promoted to Eagle Scout if you don’t even know their most important duty? 7. The other boys mouth “resourcefulness” to him. LOUIE I-I- Resort... to friends? SCOUT LEADER Hm. Kinda! But wrong. LOUIE I can’t remember, sir. JAIME Scout Leader, I can’t find the food. SCOUT LEADER Louie, you piss-poor lard. LOUIE Sir? SCOUT LEADER Okay! No problemo! In fact, scouts this is a great opportunity. Take a knee boys. The boys take a knee. SCOUT LEADER I bet you boys are used to more lax protocol from the scouts program, but things aren’t as easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy for Eagle Scouts. If you want to be promoted your mettle will be tested. Now I’ve got loads of badges to hand out, but only if you boys are willing to put in the work. Do you have what it takes to be an Eagle Scout? EVERYONE Yes, Scout Leader. SCOUT LEADER Glad to hear it! If only it were that simple. Louie, stand up. Louie stands. SCOUT LEADER Nobody can become an Eagle Scout on their own. They need to use their team. You can’t get promoted without teammates to help you up. But what happens when one of your teammates let you down? 8. When one boy’s screw up could cost you everything you’ve worked for. Well, that’s when you remind yourself that a boy scout’s two most important duties are responsibility... and resourcefulness! Scout Leader jams his fist into Louie’s stomach. The boys scream. He tears out Louie’s kidneys and stomach. Louie falls dead. JAIME Why, Scout Leader?! KEVIN Is- is he dead?! SCOUT LEADER Kevin, get me the griddle. It’s dinner time. JACK What?! SCOUT LEADER Hey, no dillydallying, space cadets. I bet you’re just as hungry as I am. The boys don’t react. SCOUT LEADER Earth to boy scouts, come in. Can you read me? We gotta cook this while it’s fresh. JAIME You... you want us to eat Louie? Willy starts crying. SCOUT LEADER What’s with the crying? Why do I hear crying? Enough. Willy holds back tears. SCOUT LEADER For the love of-- whoever gets me the griddle will earn 3 badge points. No boy moves. 9. SCOUT LEADER Okay. I see. We got a lot of work ahead of us, greenhorns. JAIME Are you gonna hurt us? SCOUT LEADER Wh- I- hurt you?! No! WILLY Why did you kill him? Why’d you kill him, Scout Leader? SCOUT LEADER Now what in the Sam heck? You boys don’t think I wanted to kill Louie, do you? Silence. SCOUT LEADER Oh, boys. No no no no no. You think I enjoyed that? No way, Jose. Yo guys are my buddies! You’re the peas to my pod. But Louie’s mistake-- Willy, stop crying-- Louie’s mistake ended up hurting the whole team. Louie repaid his mistake in the only way he could. He sacrificed himself so we could eat. He died an Eagle Scout’s death. The boys don’t react. SCOUT LEADER Now I want to personally apologize. This is one of the sorriest introductions to the Eagle Scouts I’ve ever given. This is not what the Eagle Scouts represent. We do not kill, nor would we ever endorse it. But my back was against the wall here. I can’t let you boys go without eating. I hate to say it, but it was the logical thing to do. It was him or us. Silence. SCOUT LEADER This was the first and last time a scout has died under my watch. Scout’s honor. Silence. The boys have relaxed a bit. SCOUT LEADER Okay. Now let me hear you boys roar! The boys roar meekly. SCOUT LEADER I can’t hear you boys! 10. The boys roar a little more earnestly. SCOUT LEADER 2 badge points for the best roar. They roar more enthusiastically. SCOUT LEADER That’s what I like to hear! Jaime, 2 badge points! JAIME Thanks. SCOUT LEADER Boys, unpack the bags. Jaime, cook Louie. JAIME Huh? SCOUT LEADER Cook Louie. We need to eat, sillypants. JAIME I- I can’t. SCOUT LEADER Are you sure? I got a 5 Star Chef badge with your name on it if you do. KEVIN But that’s worth 5 badge points! JAIME I- no. SCOUT LEADER Jaime, an Eagle Scout never, under any circumstances, says no to his Scout Leader. Do you understand? You don’t have to eat him. Starve for all I care. But you will cook him. Don’t let your team down, buddy. Okay? Jaime nods. SCOUT LEADER Okey dokey! First things first, we need a fire! I need two volunteers to go get wood. The other will help chop up Louie. Who wants to collect wood? 11. All boys raise their hands. SCOUT LEADER Let’s see. Make your cases, scouts. Who should I pick? JACK Scout Leader, Kevin and I are on our school’s football team. We can carry more wood than Willy could. SCOUT LEADER Interesting. Willy, what say you? WILLY I learned my lesson from pitching the tent. I’ll get more than they could. SCOUT LEADER Willy, if you’re trying to get something, don’t mention your failures. You stay here. JACK Yes! SCOUT LEADER Alright, that settles it. Jack and Kevin, you’re in charge-- Scout Leader is cut off by wolves howling in the distance. JAIME What was that? SCOUT LEADER Shoot. Capital C Crap! JACK Scout leader? SCOUT LEADER Don’t worry boys. Nothing to be scared of. Just some wolves. KEVIN Wolves?! WILLY What do we do, scout leader? 12. SCOUT LEADER They must smell the blood. No problemo. Just means we gotta cook Louie quick is all. Jack, Kevin go get the firewood. Make it snappy. The boys stand still. SCOUT LEADER What’s the holdup, kiddos? JACK Shouldn’t we wait? Like, for the wolves to pass? SCOUT LEADER My ears must be playing tricks on me. Jack are you scared? JACK No, sir. Just trying be smart about it. SCOUT LEADER Ah, so my plan is dumb? JACK No, sir! SCOUT LEADER Forget it. Willy, you and Jaime go collect the wood. JAIME Okay. SCOUT LEADER Bingo! Get to it scouts. KEVIN That isn’t fair! WILLY I don’t want to go. I’m scared. SCOUT LEADER Jiminy Christmas. Jaime and Kevin. The boys don’t move. 13. SCOUT LEADER What’s the problem? I thought you were looking for opportunities, Kevin. KEVIN I was, but-- SCOUT LEADER “But- but-” What is this pansy talk? An Eagle Scout never surrenders! Fine. New rule: whenever you say no to a task, you lose three badge points. EVERYONE What?! SCOUT LEADER There you all go with the gripes again. Minus 1 badge point for all of you. Jaime and Kevin, do you have anything to add? JAIME I wanna stay here. SCOUT LEADER For Christ’s sake. Minus 3 badge points. Kevin and Jack. Go collect wood. If you say no, that’s minus 5 badge points. JACK KEVIN Yes, sir. Okay. SCOUT LEADER There, that wasn’t so hard! Keep your chins up, boys! It’s gonna be a fun week! Jack and Kevin exit the tent. Scout Leader hands two pocket knives to Willy and Jaime. SCOUT LEADER Get to work. I’ll get the smores started! SCENE TWO The woods. Several trees line the background. Jack and Kevin collect pieces of wood. JACK Fuck me, dude. If you asked me a week ago what I thought it’d take to be an Eagle Scout, I never would’ve guessed I’d have to pick up sticks. Or eat a corpse. 14. KEVIN Let’s just thank God we aren’t the ones who have to carve the guy. JACK I guess. I don’t know. I wish I stayed. KEVIN Are you a psycho? JACK No. But, like, if that’s what an Eagle Scout has to do. KEVIN Nah, man. Did you see all that fucking blood? I straight puked in my mouth. JACK I’ve been with the scouts for eight years. I didn’t work this hard just to pick up sticks. I should’ve stayed. I’m such an idiot. KEVIN Relax. You literally watched a kid get murdered in front of you. JACK He was not murdered. KEVIN What? Are you forgetting when Scout Leader tore his guts out? JACK He was killed, but I wouldn’t call it murder. KEVIN What the fuck is it? JACK Not... I don’t wanna say sacrificed. KEVIN Then it’s murder. JACK Stop saying it’s murder. It isn’t murder. Scout Leader isn’t wrong. Louie fucked up majorly. 15. KEVIN Listen, dog. This shit ain’t right. I think we should get out of here. JACK Hold up. No. I’m gonna be an Eagle Scout. KEVIN Fuck being an Eagle Scout. I just want an Xbox, but I’m not dying for one. JACK Bro, you obviously want more than the Xbox. You aren’t even a gamer. KEVIN You don’t have to be a gamer to want an Xbox. And you don’t have to be Einstein to realize if Scout Leader is killing scouts, you should run. JACK Okay. No. Listen. You remember when Sam Buzby tore his ACL? And coach kicked him off the team? KEVIN And ruined his chances of getting a scholarship? I remember. JACK Yeah, but kicking him off the team made room for Aaron, who scored 2 touchdowns in the semifinals. KEVIN Yeah, but now there’s no more room for Sam. And now he can’t get a scholarship. JACK But we won the semifinals. KEVIN And Sam’s fucked. JACK Sam was fucked regardless. It’s not the team’s fault he tore his ACL. Why do we have to deal with it? KEVIN The team was already strong. Coach could’ve let him stay on for credit. 16. JACK It’s coach’s job to make the team as strong as possible. It’s not his fault. KEVIN It’s not Sam’s fault he tore his ACL. JACK Yeah, but it is Louie’s fault that he forgot the food. KEVIN Jesus, man. JACK I liked Sam. I wish he was on the team. Louie seemed cool. I wish I got to know him. But I’d rather survive long enough, with food in my belly, to become an Eagle Scout instead of paying for Louie’s mistake. KEVIN Yeah, I mean.... I don’t know. JACK Listen. I’m not an idiot. Scout Leader seemed honestly sorry after he killed Louie. If shit keeps hitting the fan, we leave, okay? Silence. JACK We’ve come this far. How bad can it be? A wolf howls. JACK Shit. Fuck. Shit. Oh fuck. Let’s go. SCENE 3 Willy and Jaime are cutting up Louie’s body. Willy’s covered in blood. Jaime’s virtually spotless. Scout Leader is not present. WILLY Wow, cutting through Louie’s fat is way easier than I thought. JAIME You sure about that? You got a little blood on you. 17. WILLY I’m not used to carving human. JAIME It’s not too different from carving other animals. The texture of this meat is similar to elk. WILLY When the fuck have you carved an elk? JAIME Don’t curse. We don’t know when Scout Leader’ll be back. WILLY Good point. Don’t wanna end up like Louie. JAIME Yeah. Poor Louie. The conversation stops. JAIME Do you think... do you think Scout Leader really needed to kill Louie? WILLY Jaime. JAIME Like, we could’ve tried to hunt for some food or something. WILLY Maybe. But it is what it is. JAIME Or we could’ve gone a night without food. I mean, like, it’s not like-- WILLY When have you carved an elk before? Pause. JAIME My dad takes me hunting a lot. WILLY No way. You don’t strike me as the hunting type. 18. JAIME Yeah. It is what it is. WILLY I wish I knew how to hunt. Maybe then I wouldn’t look like Carrie after the dance. JAIME Just don’t act like Carrie and kill everyone here. We got enough to worry about with Scout Leader. WILLY Please stop talking about Scout Leader. He might come back. JAIME It’s just weird, don’t you think? We didn’t have to kill Louie. WILLY Our job isn’t to worry about it, we just gotta pick up the pieces. JAIME I’m not gonna eat Louie. WILLY You’ll lose badge points. JAIME That’s fine. I want to be an Eagle Scout, but eating Louie doesn’t sit right with me. WILLY Just do it. It’ll make Scout Leader happy. JAIME Who cares? WILLY All of us. You too. You make Scout Leader happy, you get to be an Eagle Scout. That’s the deal. JAIME No, you might be an Eagle Scout. WILLY Well we don’t have a choice. Eating Louie is no different from you hunting, right? You use your environment to help you survive. Louie was dragging us down, so we made him useful. 19. JAIME Do you actually believe that? WILLY Yes. Willy goes back to carving. JAIME You’re lying. I can tell you’re lying. WILLY I’m not. JAIME Yes you are. You were just as freaked out as I was when Scout Leader killed Louie. WILLY So? JAIME So? Deep down, you know it’s fucked up. WILLY Louie was hurting the team, so he repaid us in the only way he could. That’s what an Eagle Scout would believe. That’s what I believe. They go back to carving. JAIME I hate hunting. WILLY Then why do it? JAIME My dad would be pissed if I stopped. WILLY My dad would be pissed if I started. JAIME It’s the same with the Eagle Scouts. He’s a scout leader too, so he thinks he’d be a laughing stock if I don’t eventually become one. 20. WILLY I thought you wanted to be an Eagle Scout? JAIME Kinda. Don’t laugh. I wanna change the Eagle Scouts. They’re so elitist. WILLY It’s the opposite for me. I can’t wait to be an Eagle Scout. Hopefully I’ll also be a scout leader one day. JAIME Why? Eagle Scouts are such douchebags. Look at Kevin and Jack. WILLY Kevin’s not a doucebag. JAIME Yeah he is. Jack’s just a super douchebag. WILLY Fair point. Jack and I actually went to the same middle school. He bullied me there. JAIME Whatever. Jack seems like the type who would bully anybody. WILLY It wasn’t just Jack. Everyone bullied me. I did theatre and watched anime. JAIME Sorry, man. Shit luck Jack wound up in our recruitment group. WILLY No, it’s perfect. Now I have a chance to beat him. Show him what I’ve become. Willy stops carving. WILLY I swear to God, when I got the Expert Tent Pitcher, it felt amazing. Then Jack.... He goes back to carving. WILLY Just gotta focus on the task at hand, ya know. 21. Willy carves a bit. WILLY I wouldn’t mind an Xbox either. He cuts his finger. WILLY Ow! Fuck. JAIME What? WILLY I cut my finger. Oh fuck. JAIME You okay? WILLY I don’t know. I’m fucking drenched in Louie’s blood. Who knows what diseases he could have. JAIME It’s probably fine. WILLY No way, man. Louie was Jewish, right? He could have Tay Sachs. He was also fat. Maybe diabetes? JAIME Ha ha, relax. We’ll ask Scout Leader for some disinfectant. WILLY He could have AIDS or some shit. SCOUT LEADER (OFF STAGE) Hey! Scout Leader enters the tent. SCOUT LEADER I heard that, Willy. Minus 1 badge point. 22. WILLY I’m sorry, sir. It won’t happen again. JAIME Scout Leader, Willy got some of Louie’s blood in a cut. Do we have any disinfectant spray or something? SCOUT LEADER You can bet your foot we don’t. Tough it out, Willy. You hurt yourself, you’re on your own, bucko. Don’t slow down the team. WILLY Yes, Scout Leader. SCOUT LEADER Good. Now get back to carving. The boys return to carving. JAIME Hey, where were you, Scout Leader? SCOUT LEADER Checking out the woods. Making sure no wolves get close or anything. Where are Jack and Kevin? WILLY They haven’t come back yet. SCOUT LEADER That a fact? Those boys won’t be getting the Usain Bolt badge, I’ll tell you that. But hey, sharp working cutting up Louie. JAIME Thanks. It was mostly Willy. I just sorta watched. SCOUT LEADER I figured! From the looks of you, it seems like you’re not afraid to get your hands dirty! You earned yourself the Expert Skinner badge. And the Adventurous Spirit badge to boot! 5 badge points total. WILLY What about Jaime? 23. SCOUT LEADER If he doesn’t have a drop of blood on him, he’s no Eagle Scout. You gotta grow a pair every now and then, kid. JAIME Yes, Scout Leader. Kevin and Jack enter the tent carrying arm fulls of sticks. They have a few bruises and small cuts. SCOUT LEADER What happened, cowboys? How’d you get so beat from pickin’ up sticks? KEVIN Oh. JAck fell into a thorn bush, and I went to get him out. JACK Such bull. We-- KEVIN He nearly wet his pants in that bush. JACK He’s full of it, Scout Leader. We both fell into the bush. KEVIN This guy couldn’t stop crying. JACK Stop. Now. KEVIN Alright. My bad. SCOUT LEADER None of that’s important, boys. From where I’m standing, it looks like you caught hell doing just about the simplest god dang thing I can think of. Eagle Scouts are the rulers of the woods, and you tripped into thorns? JACK We heard wolves, sir. 24. SCOUT LEADER Zip those lips, pip. Why would rulers be afraid of some dumb, dirty wolves? -2 badge points. Now that your back, Kevin, start the fire. KEVIN Yes, sir. Kevin rubs two sticks together (or however you’re supposed to do it) on some dry leaves. A small fire lights. SCOUT LEADER Get grillin’, Jaime. You got a long night ahead of you. Jaime places the griddle over the fire and cooks pieces of Louie. It smells delicious. SCOUT LEADER By now, I figure every wolf in this forest’s got a scent of our buddy Louie. Scouts, your next task is hunting. JAIME You want us to hunt wolves? SCOUT LEADER No, kookypants. If the wolves don’t know we’re here, they won’t bother us. Your job is to distract them. I want you to find and kill any critters you can and dump the bodies far away from this tent. We keep this food to ourselves, ya hear? EVERYONE Yes, Scout Leader. SCOUT LEADER I’m gonna split you boys up into groups of twos. JAIME Can I go with Willy? SCOUT LEADER No. I’m grouping you by ranks. The scout with the most badge points pairs with the scout with the least. JACK So that means I’m with Kevin, since Kevin has the least now. 25. SCOUT LEADER Hold your horses. While you were off whisperin’ sweet nothings to a thorn bush, Willy earned himself 5 badge points, putting him in the lead. Willy goes with Kevin. Jack, Jaime. All boys except Willy groan. SCOUT LEADER Do my ears deceive me? Did I hear gripes? Must I hand out demerits? EVERYONE No, Scout Leader. SCOUT LEADER That’s what I thought. Jaime takes the cooked Louie of the grill and hands a piece to everyone. The boys are about to eat, when SCOUT LEADER Put that down. You got a lot of nerve eating without permission. You boys can eat after you’ve done your work. The boys groan. SCOUT LEADER Gripes?! In my tent? Back to work! The lot of ya! Git! The boys exit the tent. Scout Leader takes a bite of Louie. SCOUT LEADER Just like mama used to make. SCENE 4 Willy and Kevin wander through the woods. It’s getting dark. There is a tree on stage. KEVIN How does he expect us to hunt anything without weapons? WILLY We’ll figure it out. Eagle Scouts have to be resourceful. KEVIN There are fucking wolves out here. He shouldn’t expect us to just “figure it out.” 26. WILLY Complaining won’t help us. Here. Willy tears a branch off the tree. He snaps it in two, producing two sharp sticks. WILLY We can use these for now. KEVIN Perfect, I’ll just play fetch with the wolf eating my face. WILLY We’ll sharpen them when we go back to the tent. For now, just deal with it. KEVIN Or let’s just tell Scout Leader we did it. WILLY That wasn’t our task. KEVIN I’ll tell him you killed it. Can we please go back? WILLY Not until we do our job. KEVIN Dammit, I wanna go home. WILLY Then go home. KEVIN Alright. Chill. What’s your issue, WIlly? WILLY I don’t have an issue. KEVIN Bullshit, man. You’ve been on my ass since we left the tent. You in love with me or something? WILLY No. Shut up. The animals might hear. 27. KEVIN Damn, dude. You’re a real dick. WILLY What? KEVIN Nothing. WILLY What did you say? KEVIN You’re a fucking dick. WILLY Me? No. Jack’s a dick. KEVIN Jack’s a major dick. You’re an annoying dick. WILLY Well I’m sorry, okay? But I have the most badge points right now, and I’m not gonna lose my lead because you’re homesick. KEVIN What the fuck with “homesick”! We’re surrounded by wolves. Our Scout Leader murdered a kid. WILLY It was not murder. KEVIN Then what was it? A sacrifice? WILLY I don’t wanna say sacrifice. KEVIN Jesus fucking Christ. You and Jack are psychos man. You really want to be an Eagle Scout that badly? WILLY Yeah. 28. KEVIN Okay, well have fun. I’m out of here tomorrow morning. WILLY Good. KEVIN Nice. I’ll miss you too. They hear a twig snap off stage. KEVIN What was that? WILLY I don’t know. KEVIN Shit, shit. I’m not getting eaten, bro. WILLY Let’s... Let’s uh... KEVIN Oh shit! Look there. He points offstage. KEVIN It’s a deer. WILLY Oh. Great. KEVIN Yeah. Pause. KEVIN Now we don’t have to lie to Scout Leader. WILLY Yep. 29. Pause. WILLY What are you waiting for? Kill it. KEVIN Me?! WILLY Yeah, you. KEVIN You were just sayin’ how it’s our task or whatever. What the fuck, Superman, you do it. WILLY No way. You haven’t done anything all night. KEVIN I’m literally quitting tomorrow. WILLY Listen, I carved a human fucking carcass less than an hour ago. Can you please just kill the deer? KEVIN Fuck. No. You’re on your own, Willy Wetpants. WILLY Excuse me? KEVIN You heard me. Put up or shut up, loser. WILLY Fine... I guess I’m gonna have to do it... fuckin’ ridiculous... this isn’t fair to me y’know... Here I go... Don’t wanna scare it... Can’t let it know I’m here.... Alright... 3... 2... KEVIN Fucking go, man. You’re giving me agita. WILLY I’m going! Right... now... 30. Willy slinks offstage with the makeshift spear. SCENE 5. Jack and Jaime walk together in tense silence. JACK I’m telling Scout Leader. JAIME Are you serious? Please don’t. JACK I’m gonna. JAIME Please. You could literally get me killed. JACK Should’ve thought about that earlier. JAIME You’re so petty. JACK And you’re not? JAIME I’m not putting your life on the line to get more badge points. JACK I’m not getting more badge points, retard. I’m keeping you from getting the badge points I earned. JAIME Maybe if you weren’t such an arrogant braggart, I would’ve helped. JACK Bullshit. I bet you’re afraid to do any dirty work. JAIME I literally cooked a human. 31. JACK After Scout Leader made you. While I walked through a forest full of wolves. JAIME I’ve been hunting my whole life. I could’ve killed the deer easily. JACK Oh my God. That’s sad. JAIME My dad’s a scout leader, asshole. He’s been training me my whole life. JACK Seriously? JAIME Yeah, so you know what? Go ahead. Tell Scout Leader. I’ll just tell him who my dad is. JACK You’re serious. You know, it’s pricks like you that really piss me off. Guys like me work their ass off climbing the ranks, paying the bullshit membership fee every year, just for a shot at being an Eagle Scout. And now you’re gonna get credit for my work. Why? Because your daddy’s a scout leader? You’re a fuckin’ loser. JAIME My dad specifically requested I not be in his group so that I wouldn’t get an unfair advantage. JACK Knew it. You people won’t admit just how lucky you are. JAIME I would’ve helped hunt if you weren’t such a dick. JACK You should’ve helped because it’s your job. You don’t have a clue how the real world works. You and Willy Wetpants. JAIME Willy what? JACK Your boyfriend pissed himself at our middle school’s Winter Ball. A girl asked him to dance. It was 7th fucking grade. She was ugly too. 32. JAIME No he didn’t. JACK Yes he did. Because he’s a loser. JAIME He’s not a loser. You’re a bully. JACK Yes. I am. And thank God for me. People like me keep the world spinning. JAIME Fuck off. JACK Willy pissed his pants in middle school, I beat the shit out of him, and now he’s becoming an Eagle Scout. I’m still waiting on a thank you. JAIME You’re an unbelievable egomaniac. An angel will get its wings when you die. JACK It’s science. It’s natural. It’s Freud, you retard. JAIME What? How is it Freud? JACK You know. The environment. The top of the food chain and shit. JAIME That’s Darwin. JACK I know the difference between Darwin and Freud. JAIME You obviously don’t. JACK Here’s something I know for a fact. You didn’t help me hunt. I’m gonna tell Scout Leader. And whether your daddy saves you or not, I bet my life you’re gonna start working harder. 33. SCENE 6. Scout Leader, Kevin, and Willy sit in the tent. Jack and Jaime enter. There is a lid covering the griddle. SCOUT LEADER Well, well, well. Glad you boys could make it. JACK Sorry, Scout Leader. We could’ve gotten back sooner if I didn’t have to hunt single- handedly. JAIME Jack kept bragging that he could kill any animal. I didn’t wanna get in his way. JACK He watched as I hunted by myself. He laughed when the first deer got away. He doesn't deserve any of the badge points. SCOUT LEADER S’far as I can tell, neither of you deserve badges. Willy and Kevin did the same job much faster. Furthermore, how in the heck did a deer get away from you? JACK It, um, ran? SCOUT LEADER Do you see the Dunce Cap badge on my sash? JACK No, sir. SCOUT LEADER If Eagle Scouts rule the forest, how did a piddling, lil doe get away from you? JACK Well- SCOUT LEADER Here’s a tip, Pip. Skip the lip or get the whip. Do I make myself clear? JACK Huh? What? I don’t understand. 34. SCOUT LEADER -5 badge points. JACK What?! SCOUT LEADER Skip the lip or get the whip. Must I make it six badge points? Jack bites his tongue (metaphorically). SCOUT LEADER Okay! Dinner time! Din-ner-time! What’s on the menu? Ah ha ha. WILLY Better luck next time, Jack. JACK Thanks, Willy Wetpants. Must’ve been easy without a fairy holding you back. JAIME Shut up, Jack. JACK Jaime, you have no right talking to me right now. And you know what, you have no right being an Eagle Scout either. SCOUT LEADER Now, Jack. No matter how true that might be, it’s impolite. JAIME Scout Leader! SCOUT LEADER Yes, Jaime? JAIME Um, never mind. I have what it takes to a be a scout, I just don’t feel the need to gloat about how easy it’ll be. JACK No, all you have to do is ask your dad for a promotion. 35. SCOUT LEADER You’re Ben’s kid! I knew I knew you. Welcome aboard! JAIME Thanks, Scout Leader. Jack has been an asshole to me all night. SCOUT LEADER That’s a curse, Jaime. -1 badge point. JAIME He’s been making fun of me since the retreat started. SCOUT LEADER Nobody likes a tattletale, Jaime. JAIME What? SCOUT LEADER An Eagle Scout lets his actions speak for him. Earn your respect, kid. JAIME Whatever. There’s a tense silence. SCOUT LEADER Anywayyy. Willy and Kevin successfully completed their first hunt. And quickly to boot! You’ve both earned the Quick Feet and First Blood badges. +6 badge points! WILLY KEVIN Thanks. Thanks. Another silence. SCOUT LEADER Okey dokey! Time for grub. Din-ner! Din-ner! Din-ner! Just before Scout Leader removes the lid from the griddle. SCOUT LEADER Also, no food for you, Jaime. JAIME What do you mean? 36. SCOUT LEADER There’s only so much food, you know. As of now, you have the least badge points. I need to make sure my high-performing scouts are well fed. JAIME So what? I get nothing? SCOUT LEADER That’s right. JAIME How am I supposed to perform if I’m not fed? SCOUT LEADER How are my top scouts supposed to perform if they’re not fed? JACK Serves you right. JAIME Fine. I’ll get my own food. WILLY You can have some of mine. JAIME No thanks. I don’t really feel like eating a human being anyway. SCOUT LEADER I like that initiative, Jaime! +1 badge point. JAIME I’ll be back soon. Jaime exits the tent. SCOUT LEADER Dig in, scouts! Scout Leader lifts the lid. There is about 70% less food than there was in the previous scenes. WILLY Huh? 37. KEVIN What gives? JACK What happened to the food, Scout Leader? SCOUT LEADER It’s a bit overcooked, but that’s on Jaime. WILLY No, we mean... Where’d it all go? SCOUT LEADER That’s your portion. JACK For all three of us? SCOUT LEADER That’s right. KEVIN But... SCOUT LEADER What? WILLY What about the rest of it? SCOUT LEADER That’s my portion. KEVIN But that’s most of Louie. SCOUT LEADER Do you expect me to lead you on an empty stomach? JACK It’s just-- WILLY No, sir. We don’t. 38. SCOUT LEADER Listen up, scouts. Not anybody can become a Scout Leader. The work we do is important and complicated. We are very valuable members of society, and expect due compensation to keep us motivated. I can’t afford to worry about how hungry I am. The food I earned is what I deserve. The food you earned is what you deserve. Crystal clear or murky turkey? WILLY Crystal clear. JACK Crystal clear. SCOUT LEADER Work hard enough and you can earn as much grub as I do one day. KEVIN Yes, Scout Leader. SCOUT LEADER Dig in! The boys eat Louie. The meat is tough as leather and the boys struggle to eat it. Not long after, Jaime enters the tent, dragging a dead deer behind him. The deer has a stick jutting out of its rump. SCOUT LEADER Hoowee! Capital work, Jaime. KEVIN Where’d you find that deer? JAIME I tracked it. JACK Bullshit. SCOUT LEADER -1 badge/ point. JACK /There’s no way you tracked a deer so quickly. 39. JAIME Explain the dead deer. WILLY How close was it to the camp? JAIME Far enough that I had to track it. KEVIN Good. WILLY You stabbed it right? JAIME What do you mean? KEVIN When you tracked it, were you the one that stabbed it? JAIME Yeah? There’s an awkward silence. SCOUT LEADER Anyways. Good work, Jaime. You earned the Night Stalker and Insurgent Queller badges. +6 badge points! There is a nearby howl. KEVIN Scout Leader? SCOUT LEADER Sh! Scout Leader cautiously peaks outside. SCOUT LEADER Drat. 40. WILLY Are they close? SCOUT LEADER You boys spread out the animal corpses, right? JACK Yeah, I dumped two deer carcasses about 3 miles West. SCOUT LEADER Willy? WILLY Yes, sir? SCOUT LEADER Where’d you dump the carcass? WILLY East. SCOUT LEADER How far? KEVIN 3 miles. SCOUT LEADER Then why the fuck are there wolves at my doorstep?! Silence. SCOUT LEADER I smell demerits, scouts. Howls extremely close. The shadow of a running wolf passes on the back wall of the tent. They all scream. JACK What do we do? SCOUT LEADER No gettin’ around it. They know we’re here. They smell our food. They won’t leave til they get some.
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