the e-magazine issue 3 / 2005 As gentlemen used to do, Asa and Thanos opened the door and I came in. Thank you, guys! I’m already feeling pretty comfortable in here. They said that the Ovi needed a feminine touch… Hmmm…let’s see what I can do. I can’t guarantee that the fact that I’m a woman would really make any difference. I’ve always been one of the guys. I had no sisters, just brothers. I’ve always been very close to my cousins and we have always been very close, but they were also just boys. “The The cover page is a combination of letters and shapes. The word ‘power’’ begins with a I spent my childhood complaining that But 15 years later, and 15 thousand kilometres ‘p’’ from the game Scrabble, since there are I’d like to have sisters or girl-cousins. But further, here I am joining The Ovi in its 3rd issue thousands of words to describe woman with the day they came to me with this 3rd that has women as this month’s subject. Woman, degree cousin who wanted to force me this universal incognita… Even science called it the letter ‘p’. The ‘o’ is in the shape of the to play with her dolls, and I saw the boys XX! It’s a double problem! In the case of XY, you w Venus Sigil, the ‘ ’ is the drawing of a going to play in the park with their toy can find y and get to know x, or vice versa. But woman’s body (something that has inspired guns, I simply fooled the girl and escaped when it comes to an x, you get it or you don’t get art for centuries), the ‘e’ is drawn wn with to the park, joining the boys with a plastic it at all. No science, its pure luck. machine-gun. lipstick and, finally, the ‘r’ is a tap referring to Who understands what goes on in a female the housewife...” mind? A woman can be fascinating, or a bitch, or a By Thanos Kalamidas fascinating bitch… You can love a woman or hate her, but in neither of these cases, you understand what goes on in their minds. Not even when you are one yourself. Hope nobody is expecting any answer from me. All I can guarantee are some more questions. Greetings from the first country to have a female president and prime minister! Juliana Elo Editorial I’m sure you will agree that the PDF format of the second issue of the Ovi Magazine was catchy. The number of downloads show that you liked it and a few very encouraging mails make us continue. So this issue, the third, has Then we have the iBlog, bloggers have helped us a great deal promoting the last issue and we’d like to again a PDF attachment with a selection of articles. especially thank Phil with his www.finlandforthought.net blog. Blogs are a brilliant way for people to reflect their thoughts. Phil, for example, keeps us informed daily on what is going on around us. We still have no news from the people in Seychelles, who keep visiting our online magazine, and we have some new friends from Australia, Japan and Finally, iPromote is where we are willing to put adverts free. We are going to let immigrants and new South America.We thank them all and we remind them that they are welcome businesses advertise their companies all around the world, remember this is the Internet.We know the to join us, write with us and promote their work. need of advertisement for every new company; we are familiar with the cost of this advertisement, so if we can help, we have all the will to do so. We are willing to have even personal adverts if you want. Of Talking about South America, we have a new member in Ovi with dual course, anything that is against the principals of the magazine will not be published or be welcome. responsibility, she is Brazilian, or as she said Brasilian with an ‘s’, and she is going to bring a South American air to our magazine and give a feminine Coming back to the beginning of this editorial, touch. Juliana Elo wrote a small article for our ‘inside magazine’ Le Métèque we’d like once more to thank all the people who and she opened Ovi’s door. Now she writes to her grandmother and she’s visited our site and hope that you will continue pushing her candidate for a Pope. doing so. We would also like to give another special mention to something we noticed just Juliana is equally opinioned, just like the rest of us. She has humour and is two days before we published this issue. willing to express her feelings. She is a young woman in a man’s world. In our first welcome meeting, we talked about the third issue and, even though Two free license journalists from the most we had a number of ideas, we decided to make a special issue for women’s popular Finnish newspaper Helsingin Sanomat power. honoured us, especially Asa, by taking the article Die-ignosis as an inspiration for their So here it is. A women’s issue. That’s another first for us. In the last issue, Asa articles.Two journalists, writing about the same and I noticed we had both written a few articles about racism and the cover thing, in the same style, just 19 days after we page for our PDF magazine was inspired by the racism issue. So, we went published our last issue, is just too much of a again for a thematic issue.We are not sure if that will work and we trust that coincidence. you will mail us your opinion or post them on our new forum. We haven’t the time or the logistics to check The cover page is a combination of letters and shapes. The word ‘power’ who is ‘inspired’ by articles published in the begins with a ‘p’ from the game Scrabble, since there are thousands of words Ovi Magazine but we would appreciate if either to describe woman with the letter ‘p’.The ‘o’ is in the shape of the Venus Sigil, the name of the creator or the magazine was the ‘w’ is the drawing of a woman’s body (something that has inspired art for mentioned. At the same time, they reminded centuries), the ‘e’ is drawn with lipstick and, finally, the ‘r’ is a tap referring to us that there are ‘professionals’ who read us the housewife. and that whatever happens we are the original and we have the unique ideas, so the only thing Of course, the issue ‘women’ is huge and we are going to return to it in they manage to write is one good article and the future, for example’ we haven’t said anything about domestic violence feel guilty about it. or about women in the working environment, women immigrants, abortion, women and democracy, women in art and if I continue this is going to be a However, if any online magazine, blog or paper very long list. This is just a first approach to the issue women’s power. wants to publish parts of the Ovi and, so long as they ask us and remember to mention us, they Another new thing about this issue is the forum where we invite all of you are most welcome to do so. It makes sense to join a conversation about our magazine, our articles and the things that because we will add a link back to you free. interest you. Don’t forget that communication feeds both you and us. Thank you again for being with us once more, Next to the forum, we added iKritic where we talk about books, CDs, DVDs, and keep sending us your feedback. films, that we enjoyed or didn’t. One thing I always believed is that critics should write for all kind of books, records or films, not only the new ones. Enjoy women’s power, How many of you have read Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein? Most have probably seen the film.Why shouldn’t I tell you how wonderful the book is even though Thanos Kalamidas it was written 200 years ago and that you must read it, if not have it in your bookcase? Editorial Something curious has been happening at Ovi Magazine. Vases of fresh flowers are appearing on some of the pages, embroidered pillows are propped My translator tells me that Juliana’s surname up against some of the links and, yes, the toilet seat means ‘life’ in Finnish and we are certain that is always down. We may not be the sharpest tools in she will continue to convey that through her the toolbox but we sense that life will never be the writings. Life also has no end of irony, it seems. same again. You innocently wander along life’s road and before you realise what has happened two new After the outbreak of Issue 2, we met a friendly women have entered your life. Following a Brasilian (she prefers the s) lass named fancy 4D-ultrasound, my pregnant wife and I Juliana Elo, who is also married to a Finn and living discovered that the gender of the one lodging in Finland. Following our formal introductions and inside her womb is a girl. jokes, “Hello, Mrs Elo!” we settled down to the business of creating Issue 3 for the enjoyment of our The concrete announcement has made the growing readership – and, cor blimey, it is growing! prospect of fatherhood even more real and, thanks to Thanos’s decision to add five brand Juliana has become the surrogate mother to our little new sections, I have been practising being up Ovi, while John completes his academics Stateside, throughout the night. We have added a Forum but she will be permanent fixture barring any necessity for you to interact, discuss, bitch, champion and for maternity leave. She brings to Ovi some of the spy on what everybody thinks about stuff from missing dimensions that we were sorely lacking. The Ovi, stuff in life and other general…stuff. Go magazine now has a feminine touch and the added and register now and be among the first to post perspective of a South American on world issues; she messages. brings a unique view of the E.U., President Bush and has inspired the issue’s theme: women. Other brand new sections include, iView, iKritic, iBlog and IPromote, because you can never have two many eyes when it comes to spotting the problems and issues of the world. Three of these new sections allow increased communication between you and us, you and the world at large. Hit the links and see how they can work for you. Issue 3 is filled with fresh content and you may need to download and print the PDF version, so you can read it away from the computer. The latest PDF has all the articles from this issue and looks quite sexy once again. Don’t loiter around my editorial, get reading… Asa Butcher Editorial iFormat ID of the second gender Girls will be boys By Thanos Kalamidas Why the second gender? Has anybody ever thought why any kind of By the end of the second period comes to remind the other group that searches for equality would ever call themselves the second came Simone de Beauvoir, her major qualities of the second gender, the By Asa Butcher gender? And who is the first gender? The ‘enemy’? The other side? The thrust into philosophical analysis was sophisticate modern woman, the man? due to her life-long friendship with jealous girlfriend, the woman who Earlier this month my wife and I went for a 4D-ultrasound and discovered Sartre; using some of the ideas she uses sex and makes it work for her that our future baby will be a girl. This news has completely changed The first formed societies, thousands of years ago, worshipped women. worked with him in Ethics and a few of in its biological term. I’m not sure the dynamic of the pregnancy and it has all suddenly become very real. The first holy figure humans made temples for was Gaia, Mother Earth.The the ‘underpinnings of existentialism’ of the semantics she wanted to use, Before the scan, the baby was called ‘it’ and the tasks of choosing a family was and, to my opinion, still is very matriarchal. The oldest woman as it was described by Sartre. but what I saw was a woman acting name, clothes and toys. was in total control of the family’s wealth, while the men had to hunt for exactly the same way a threatened the food.Which reminds me of something a close friend says often, “In our De Beauvoir went on to produce man would. The greatest theory of My wife’s response at discovering that we are having a daughter was, family, I take the important decisions like what’s going to happen with the her famous work, The Second Sex, the second sex in that book was “She is not going to be girly-girly; she won’t be dressed like a princess.” environment, if there will be a solution with the Middle East problem, if working with the idea that women passing a message to her boyfriend Her statement comes from the fact she was a tomboy during her there is life on Mars. My wife takes care of the rest.” Obviously, that rest are the “other,” and the statement: and known womanizer, “Look childhood and loved grazing her knees with the rest of the lads. She is includes everything from the everyday family problems to the wealth of “that woman is not born, but made,” here pal, if you cheat on me, your ignoring the fact that we have little control over her desires to dress as the individual members of the family. De Beauvoir’s book and articles was girlfriend, even if she is my niece, is a fairy or as a cowboy. a definitive declaration of woman’s in deep shit.” Traditionally, gender has been independence. As a father, one aspect that has cheered me up is that I get the best of used to refer to the grammatical There are women in every possible both worlds. Even though I am having a daughter I can still take her to categories of “masculine,” “feminine,” Does that explain why women position and profession nowadays. football matches, buy her Scalextrix, Lego, Hornby trains and ten-litre and “neutral,” but in recent years the are the second gender? Or why Unfortunately, not equally treated super soakers. She can wear football shirts, jeans and any manner of word has become to refer to sex- men are the first? Most people or paid. Margaret Thatcher was fashion that she likes; she can even pierce her ears and wear make-up. based categories, as in phrases, such remember Simone de Beauvoir as often misunderstood for a man, as ‘gender gap’ and the ‘politics of the life-long companion of the French blamed for masculine behaviour and Can a mother do the same for her son? If a mother wants to share her gender’. This usage is supported by philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre and not opposition to other women. What childhood with her son then she is bordering on psychological abuse. the practice of many anthropologists, as a philosopher in her own right; we forget is that Margaret Thatcher If she dressed her son in a pink frilly princess dress or gave him a who reserve sex for reference to she has an enormous number of did nothing more than be equal to dollhouse to play with, then she would receive a great deal of abuse biological categories, while using publications and lectured all around men and behave exactly as men did from family members and the public. It seems strange that it is ok to gender to refer to social or cultural the world. When I say ‘most people’ at the same period. treat girls like boys but not vice versa. categories. I include women as well. Do women feel comfortable being the second Dennis, Mrs. Thatcher’s husband, From day one, boys are dressed in blue and girls in pink, which does This is the entry in the internet dictionary, hinting strongly between the gender? Does the ‘second’ protect often ironically called ‘Mr. Margaret stop strangers mistaking the gender but enforces the gender difference. distinction of the biological ‘sex’ and the socially constructed ‘gender’, and them from the obligations coming Thatcher’, his only mistake was I am sure that we will fall into the trap every now and then, but we will recognizes the neologism of the word. In practice, the word joined by ‘the with the first? that he was behaving exactly how make a conscious effort to give our daughter the opportunity to play second’ has transformed over the last few decades into a social thought, everybody expected the Prime with Action Man or Barbie. generating the women’s movement. Simone de Beauvoir was the first Minister’s spouse to behave. Now to isolate the sex from the gender the same people are critical towards This is a start: According to what I have read you can identify three periods in the emphasizing the feminine side of the Mrs. Blair for her out-spoken women’s movement. The first period of ‘feminism’ women, like Charlotte equal woman. She repeatedly said behaviour. What are little boys made of? Perkins Gilman, tried to distinguish between biological and ‘secondary’ that: “Freedom of choice, humanity’s What are little boys made of? sex characteristics stating what women were ‘naturally’ suited for. By not utmost value, is the criterion for The only place where the woman Sugar and spice, naming these distinctions their stand wasn’t accepted and opposed by morality and immorality in one’s acts. comes second is in the Biblical And all things nice other feminists. Good acts increase one’s freedom, Genesis where women came after That’s what little boys are made of. while bad ones limit that freedom.” the man and perhaps this is the only The second period derives from the work of anthropologists, such as And that has nothing to do with case that demands a study from the What are little girls made of? Margaret Mead, who described socially constructed masculine and feminine gender or sex. feminists. The second sex identifies What are little girls made of? patterns of behaviour, emotion and intellect as distinct from biological the biological part of the female in Snips and snails, characteristics. Yet, the lack of clarity in the theory and disagreements De Beauvoir, herself, in an distinction of the masculine and not And puppy dog’s tails about goals of the feminist movement continued. apocalyptic book called The Guest a social behaviour. That’s what little girls are made of. Ms. Villain Name the top five movie villains of all time? No problem, Darth Vader, Hannibal Lector, Gollum, Khan and the Joker, but where are the women? Do you need testosterone to be capable of master villainy? The silver screen has had its fair share of feminine hormonal rubbish, something like Nurse Mildred Ratched in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. She was a character that men and women could both loathe, unlike Demi Moore in Disclosure and Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, which terrified every single man, while By Asa Butcher in Species, supermodel Slavitza Jovan’s Gozer in Ghost Busters, Carrie’s Sissy Spacek and her telekinesis, Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’ shape-shifting Mystique from X-Men and The Exorcist’s Regan MacNeil are all barred from claiming the crown. - she was a second generation American with Finnish maternal grandparents. Lady villains from original screenplays are not that rare. Jeanne Tripplehorn in Basic Instinct, two from Kill nemeses, antagonists and megalomaniacs with deep- Rebecca De Mornay’s nanny in The Hand That Rocks rooted evil desires. the Cradle that sent the shivers down every mother’s Bill (Daryl Hannah and Lucy Liu), Barbara Stanwyck in Bond has also served up anti-heroes that become Double Indemnity, while Madonna in Body of Evidence spine. good in the end, such as Honor Blackman’s feisty Pussy was just plain evil in her acting. However, each of these Villainesses are a rare breed but when they appear, Galore in Goldfinger and Grace Jones’ asexual May characters paid for their crimes with their life, a prison it makes women with PMT appear like the Virgin Film bitches have serious psychological problems Day in A View to a Kill. Bond has had plenty of practice sentence or nudged back into the recording studio. How Mary. No amount of chocolate, self-help books or caused by inhaling the acetone in nail varnish. Compare between the legs of women, but he never faced death many ‘get away with it’? pampering will cure these individuals; the courageous Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female and Nicole until Famke Janssen’s thighs attempted to crush him knight in shining armour would rather slay them with Kidman’s ambition in To Die For to the psychopathic in GoldenEye or Rosa Klebb’s knife-in-a-shoe attack in Male villains rarely escape punishment before the his sword. The question we must ask is ‘Who’s the tendencies of Kathy Bates in Misery and they are left From Russia with Love. The World is Not Enough featured credits roll, so what chance do the girls have? Maintaining uber-villainess?’ Which of these could chill your blood looking like cherubs. Academy Award-winning Rebecca the best Bond villain, Sophie Marceau’s Elektra King, the equality is Catherine Zeta-Jones in Entrapment who with, “I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice was Hitchcock’s best, helped by the mind games that which made a refreshing change from megalomaniacs escapes but didn’t kill anyone, while in Chicago she did Babycham” or a Norma Bates shower scene? Judith Anderson’s Mrs. Danvers inflicts upon poor Joan stroking white pussies. kill someone and does get away it, as does her co-star Fontaine. In over 20,000 movies, how many female villains Renée Zellweger. Joan Cusack in Arlington Road rides It would be intolerable to skip the villains with which into the sunset with Tim Robbins and All About Eve’s have made your skin crawl? I am well versed in the The line of human decency and moral adherence has we grew up. Our childhood innocence was pulverised Anne Baxter leaves a trail of emotional destruction in world of movies and know I can tackle this question been crossed; we are entering the dark side of the and real psychological damage was inflicted. TheWizard her wake achieving her goal. That leaves only one… with ease. Criteria eliminating the candidates of evil soul. Few of these women have killed, except boiling of Oz’s Wicked Witch of the West was terrifying, but needed to be intricate, infallible and incredibly insane; the occasional innocent pet rabbit. Before we judge she was the Fairy Godmother compared to Return Kathleen Turner in Serial Mom is the ‘uber-villain’. She you just have to trust my judgement. the solo queens of evil, we should pay homage to to Oz’s headless Princess Mombi. Disney has much fulfils the credentials and is the ultimate baddy, with the the female accomplices that earned their stripes in a to answer for, with Wicked Queen Grimhilde’s apple contradiction of being an anti-hero. Not only is she a Many female anti-heroes are the victim of male gruesome manner. delivery service (Snow White & the Seven Dwarfs) and psychotic serial killer, she is a loving mother who only actions and are seeking unadulterated revenge - Lorena Cruella De Vil (101 Dalmations) insanely driving her has her family’s best interests at heart.There is no regret Bobbitt style.The empowered duo of Geena Davis and Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers and Kalifornia car directly at the viewer – I shudder even now. or remorse. While at the end of the movie, she is a free Susan Sarandon in Thelma and Louise, Uma Thurman in does terror-ific work as a sidekick to any enthusiastic Kill Bill, Nancy Fowler Archer in Attack of the 50 Foot serial killer, while Faye Dunaway’s portrayal of Bonnie woman and, the piece de resistance, she kills a female The road to ultimate female villain is winding to an juror who pronounced her innocent. Can you get any Woman and Michelle Pfeiffer as Catwoman in Batman Parker in Bonnie & Clyde had to have inspired Miss end, as we approach the turning for outright insanity; more evil than that? Well, can you? Returns are examples of their inner conflict of good Lewis in NBK. Comics have produced many partners the moment when a woman becomes a cold-blooded and evil.The only female anti-hero that doesn’t fit into in crime, with Uma Thurman (again) in Batman & Robin movie killer. The recently released Monster, starring an obvious category is maternal Mindy Sterling’s Frau as Poison Ivy and Superman II’s female Kryptonian Charlize Theron as Aileen Wuornos, is a great, almost Farbissina in the Austin Powers trilogy. criminal Ursa. perfect, candidate. It is based on the true story of America’s first female serial killer and does not win These anti-heroes have enslaved our hearts, but now Ursa and Poison Ivy are technically aliens or mutants because of its lack of originality; we want an original we want the definitive bitch. We want some real cold- from other worlds and are not counted among the villain, although some sympathy should be offered hearted bitchiness, none of that diluted pre-menstrual truly immoral humans. Likewise, Natasha Henstridge fArt The Apartheid of the Veil By Thanos Kalamidas Some years ago, a friend of mine worked as a doctor in a Saudi Arabia hospital and she had the chance to get familiar with the whole region travelling to Iran and Iraq, Kuwait and Bahrain. One of her first memories was when she first landed in Jeddah, supposedly the most liberal city of the kingdom. For 14 centuries, Jeddah has been the entry point for millions of Vanishing Catholics travellers from all around the world on their way to Mecca, the holiest place in Islam, each year. Even though my friend was warned, she decided to veil is the symbol of this apartheid and I By Juliana Elo keep her headscarf in her bag and she was relieved to notice that she was not the only woman doing always wanted to see what these women The choice of a Polish pope was a surprise studying there anymore, her mother so on the plane and later in the terminal, but this is hide behind the veil. I’m sure that they in 1978, but Karol Josef Wojtyla wasn’t elected wasn’t working there either. where everything finished. Entering the country via have a stitched mouth. Pope from nothing. Born in Communist Poland, passport control, she faced the reality of a full-length the choice for John Paul II was strategic. During While the Catholic Church was sitting gown called abaya and, of course, the veil. The Christian Bible asks the women to his pontifado, he was an anti-communist activist, on its beautiful temples on the top of the enter the temples and churches covered, and it’s said that this Pope helped to defeat the hills, small suburban evangelical churches In a tourist guidebook, my friend had mentioned something that mainly Catholics and socialist dictatorships in Eastern Europe and propagate. Even the controversial that Saudi Arabia was perhaps the most difficult place Orthodox still keep and, even then, not to “cool down” the Cold War. Universal Church, won the upper classes on the globe for women to travel alone; a husband or everywhere or all the time. Nowadays, sympathy when it gave an artesian well a male relative must escort them and that there were we see women priests, which shows that But how much help does the Catholic Church to people, standing up to the “Dryness no exceptions. Of course, things get worse moving even religion evolves; what is the excuse indeed offer? While the world inquires about Industry” in North East Brazil – where to Iran where a cast of men, religious freaks, rule a for the veil and the apartheid of the the Brazilian government’s omission in the act owners of latifundiums have the power nation in the darkest times. gender? of slaughtering street children who were killed over the water and over people’s while sleeping in front of Candelaria’s church destiny. Over the past decade, evangelical In Saudi Arabia, women do not have the right to This social reality has moved with these in Rio, I wonder why 50 children searching for churches have spread from downtown vote, be elected or hold any kind of official position. people even in democratic Europe, where shelter by a church door were not allowed to uptown. Women are not allowed to drive and when sightseeing in the name of a multicultural society and inside the church. they must wear the full-length black gown and veil. I acceptance of the difference we allow the Brazil is still said to be the biggest don’t want to go into the laws and the punishments, veil to ghetto people and separate them. Could it be that the Catholic Church became Catholic country in the world. If, after for example for adultery, because it is inhuman when It’s very naïve to believe that a nine-year- so attached to its traditions that it forgot its the impressive number of followers lost the woman is guilty. old girl that goes to school wearing a essence? What is the Catholic Church based by the Catholic Church, Brazil still is the veil shows our multiculturalism. The only on after all? biggest Catholic country, we can have an In all these countries, women are allowed to own thing we manage is to isolate her from idea of how much power the Catholic land, transact business, maintain separate accounts her natural environment, the schoolyard, The Catholic Church in Brazil is an elitist Church has lost all over the globe. from their husband and go to school. For what forcing her to be with ‘her own people’ institution. I, myself, studied in a Catholic propose? Men make all the decisions anyway. Men are ending the chances she had to emulate school my whole childhood. The monthly It is no wonder why São Paulo’s writing the laws and make them work to their best Western society; in the end she lives a fee was separatist. During the 13 years that Archbishop, dom Claudio Hummes, interest without changing the status quo. double identity and has no identity. I studied there, I remember having one black famous from his emphasis on social colleague, who was hard working and diligent. justice, is now indicated as one of the A few years ago, we all saw the death of the apartheid She probably saw it as a chance to have better three favourites to succeed John Paulo of colour in South Africa and we keep missing the future than her mother who was the school’s II, so let the land of football and carnival apartheid of gender in the Middle East countries. The cleaner. But the day that I realized she wasn’t also be the next Pope’s country. iFormat HoriZones PMT: Patient Man Test Men’s PMS Guide By Asa Butcher By Juliana Elo Periods, menstrual cramps, vaginal bleeding, tampons and panty liners are enough to make even a hardened man uncomfortable and resort to crass jokes. This discomfort stems from ignorance and a fear of the unknown, but why are men so uneducated when it comes to a woman’s menstrual cycle? You never know the day when it will come, and when it comes you take some time to realize that it has come. She maybe starts When children are growing up, they are taught crying, or gives you hell for something you said two years ago, different things; one of those differences is that and you don’t even remember saying that. What happened to your many parents prepare their daughter for her first sweet little darling? Who is this monster? But forget the others. Take period. Not many parents teach their son about the just the last three symptoms: menstrual cycle that will test their patience to the this refer to her vagina size or the quantity of menstrual Soundtrack: “…Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name. acne, problems with hair and limit every month with future girlfriends, wives and fluid? And what’s puzzling you is the nature of my game…” weight gain. Understood now? female family members. It’s a female’s hell. What I could not believe is the fact that women have to It’s said that 70% of women suffer from Pre-Menstrual Syndrome Thankfully, my mum taught me how to wash pay for tampons. Men don’t have to buy razors, we could - but let me add some words of my own – and 100% of men. She She can be a kilo fatter, which my clothes, use an iron and explained about ‘that all have beards, but a woman can hardly ignore a squashed suffers, you suffer. If she doesn’t, you’re luckier than the average is already reason enough time of the month’. Partially she prepared me for tomato feeling within her underwear. I realise that there guy is, but you’re not safe. There are many women with PMS out to cry three litres of tears, married life, while my dad filled in the blanks. are washable cloth menstrual pads, small natural sponges there. scream for four hours and Nothing really prepares you for the first time and menstrual cups, but it is like still rolling your own break five objects that she can you see a partner changing her tampon or cigarettes even though you are not a student And it’s all about hormones, damn things. For men, it’s easy: Men reach. If you try to hold her, the menstrual fluid that has been absorbed anymore. have testosterone, period. Men’s levels of testosterone decrease she’ll refuse you. If you want to into the panty liner, and you naturally make slowly after he is 20 or 30 years old, and that’s all! It may cause talk, she won’t. If you don’t say a distasteful joke because of the shock. Over time you ask questions like, “What some humour changes, but you have a lot of time to learn to deal anything, she’ll accuse you of happens if the string breaks?” and “Why don’t you with it. Women’s hormones change more in a month, than men’s not loving her anymore. And, The second shock was the fact that go skydiving like the girl in the adverts?”, but pain hormones change in his whole life! for God’s sake, of all the things she needs to buy tampons very month, is a great teacher and you stop talking to her all you shouldn’t do, please don’t which is something like 10,000 tampons in together during her ‘girly things’. My dad forewarned Right after the period is over a woman’s body starts to produce try to be funny. It’s irritating. her lifetime. Usually she will have a good stock of me of the random mood swings but I figured he estrogen and its level increases for 14 days.When estrogen gets to period accessories, but the day will come when you was winding me up; in fact, he was playing it down. My its maximum level, the body starts to produce progesterone, and Doctors are unanimous: are sent out to buy some. If you thought buying assumption that the bad temper was only for that week the estrogen level decreases. During the period, both hormone there’s no cure for PMS, so condoms was embarrassing then wait until you try was fatally flawed because it can strike half way, during a levels reset to zero. Imagine what this hormonal rollercoaster beware because women to buy a box of tampons. full moon, a night out with the lads, when she has to cook, doesn’t cause! can be excused in court for hmm, could it be a watertight excuse? committing crimes while Standing in the shopping aisle looking at the Its depression, sadness, anxiety, anger, irritability, indecision, lack suffering from PMS. There’s selection you feel the world staring at you, it isn’t The period truly is a mystery and a misery, although of concentration, headache, breast tenderness, joint pain, muscle one solution though, at least embarrassing but it is. There are different brands, not for everybody. I must tell you a true story about this pain, insomnia, hypersomnia, anorexia, food cravings, fatigue, for men, RUN! do you buy the super value or spend a few extra guy I once met who explained to me that his hobby was lethargy, agitation, clumsiness, dizziness, vertigo, paresthesia, nausea, pounds? Every box has different quantities, 16, 32, collecting used tampons and, before I could laugh at this palpitations, sweating, acne, greasy or dry hair and gain weight – 14, 20, how many does she need? Then you see twisted joke, his female friend added, “Yeah, he even has among other symptoms. something else, Regular, Super, Mini, Super Plus, does one of mine.” Le Métèque g az in e i d e m a our ins Check the e-magazine issue 3 / 2005 How many frogs have you kissed TODAY? Radical decisions Get your kit on! By Asa Butcher Reading the sports papers around the net and especially the Greek By Thanos Kalamidas allows them to grow. news. I learnt that lately One of the We grew up with sisters and girls wanting to join The English FA wants the tournament to inspire there is one common Greek teams, in our game of football at the park, but the instant Playing for Malmi Football Club thing in football that all Olympiakos, has more girls to participate in football and sport in they punted the ball with their toe a collective male (MPS) and her love of world countries share, and it nearly two million general. In 2002, it was estimated that 1.4 million groan could be heard. This image is embedded in football gives her some authority is not the eleven players, the referee and organized fans. In a country of girls had taken up the game and was the most the memories of every man, which is why when on the game, Johanna believes that the ball; it is violence. 12 million, this is one-sixth of popular women’s and girl’s sport. It does not women’s football is mentioned we make jokes, such the men’s game is stronger and the population. Some months end there, Finland, who are participating in their as, ‘How can you take a free kick in high heels?’, quicker than women’s, and thinks What happened lately in Greece has before, the team was once again country’s first major football tournament finals, are ‘Does the goalie wear washing-up gloves?’ and that the teams should not be mixed upset me since one of the teams involved punished for violence and the also working hard to develop the infrastructure of ‘Don’t break a nail during a throw-in!’ because the likelihood of women is the team I have followed for the last management blackmailed the the game. picking up injuries is far greater. thirty-six years. The two biggest Greek government by saying that if the The jokes have been volleyed back at us, as The Football Association of Finland (SPL) hosted teams were playing one another and,during punishment stands then two the popularity of women’s football has grown Turning to the summer the two weeks leading up to the game, million voters will vote for the a women’s tournament in 2001 and has an considerably over the past decades. tournament in England she is all the Greek newspapers were talking opposition - the government estimated 20,000 Finnish girls playing Women’s football was banned in happy that all of Finland’s matches about nothing other than the problems withdraw the punishment in football every week. One of England from 1921 until 1971, will be broadcast on television, “I the fans were going to cause. The police two days. those girls playing in the but in a few months the sixth hope that Finland will succeed in had to mobilize extra manpower and the Finnish Championships UEFA European Women’s the women’s Euro Championships government had to think, while the teams We don’t need to see the next League (SM-sarja) is Championship kick off in because that gives the opportunity were selling tickets, jerseys and plastic trouble. I think it is about time Johanna Aromaa, Manchester. to add publicity; the women’s flags. for somebody to take a radical 28, who has been game needs more publicity in the decision and stop all this by playing football Denmark, Finland, newspapers, magazines and TV. The management of each team is sending both teams responsible for 20 years. France, Germany, Italy, I hope that Finland will succeed responsible for the control of the fans and for all these problems to the “I have always Norway and Sweden but, if I am realistic, I have to say instead of doing anything in this direction bottom league and force them liked sports. I will travel to host that Sweden and Germany are the they use the excuse: ‘for the love of the to start from the beginning. Even don’t remember country England to strongest teams.” team’. This statement is turning the fans better would be to demolish exactly why I compete for the brand started because into fanatics; it is like the professional them. Make them disappear new trophy, after the When it comes to the best wrestling in the big circus known as WWF, from the map. And I, myself, am I was so young. original was presented female footballer she admits it is a where the two contestants declare before a lifelong supporter of one of Maybe it was to Germany for winning tough decision but there are some the fight that they are going to tear each these teams. because most of their third consecutive names to watch out for in the other into pieces. my friends had also title in 2001. The German coming Championships, “Swede If you love your team, you have started.” women’s team is ranked Hanna Ljungberg, many people In the WWF circus, the wrestlers and to respect the sport, the people number one, they won both the think that she is one of the best the crowd are aware of the theatre and and the world around you. If Johanna has never faced senior and U-19 world champions female footballers in the world.” they are aware that they are all players in you cannot do that then keep any problems from Finnish and have dominated the European Another player to check out is the same play. In football, things are a bit away. The majority of people guys about playing football, “I think competition since its inception in 1991, taking the Finn Laura Kalmari, “She was different. Here you have a social event that who watch football love the that nowadays most men think that it’s ok the title five times. the top goal scorer in the Swedish takes on other dimensions. Hooliganism is sport and these sorts of events when women play football compared, for example, Championship League last season, not a football thing; it is a social problem, disappoint them, keeping them to ice hockey, which I have also played. Most of Finland, ranked 16th in the world, has managed which is one of the best leagues in which is a result of unemployment, away from the sport they love. the men think that ice hockey isn’t for women.” to qualify for the last eight of a major senior UEFA the world.” education and many others aspects, but Finland has developed women’s football so much tournament for first time and is hoping to make that there are now three divisions consisting of this is not the right place to analyse. The people who run these an impact on the competition. Geoffrey Thompson, The future of women’s looks set, teams are rich and to become the of a top Championships League consisting of England’s Football Association chairman stated,“The as Championships and Leagues The biggest responsibility is held by the so rich proves that they are ten teams, followed by the First Division split into last final in Germany drew a crowd of 18,000 and I are being formed all over the teams and their management. The players, intelligent. However, what they West and East divisions, and then there are Second hope our fans will come and watch it. International world and that is not all. There are either individually or through their unions are doing to football proves and Third Divisions. women’s football is an entertaining game and a now female referees, lineswomen, and international organizations, try to do that even intelligence has its great sport.” managers, directors and it seems something but they eventually just give an limits before idiocy sets in. only a matter of time before the alibi that doesn’t curb the feelings, it just tea lady is replaced by a man. Flash fArt Ovi’s Greatest Hits By Asa Butcher The Gender Awards By Thanos Kalamidas There are two schools of thought when it comes There are global awards like the to Greatest Hits albums: a Nobel Prize, there are continent watered-down discography awards like the Biennale Award, there or an hour of musical are local awards like the Austrian excellence. My beliefs lay Academy award and there are surreal somewhere between the two awards like the Orange Award! schools, thereby creating a third category…hmm. For Awards are given to people for me, music isn’t the beginning their achievements in literature, art, and end of all life, I don’t science, etc. the Orange Award is listen to lyrics in an attempt given once a year to a female author. to find a deeper meaning to The surrealism starts when only existence and album art does However! There is one aspect that in order to shift a few more units. women can take this award from occasional instrumental rendition of not make my legs go wobbly upset me when it comes to recent Some of you may have seen the Louis women judges and critics, with only my favourite tracks, such as Richard with passion. compilations, such as the release of Armstrong’s Definitive Collection, women invited to the ceremony. Clayderman plays the Sex Pistols on The Beatles Anthology.Three double- Ultimate Elvis, Fun Lovin’ Criminals his piano, but Panpipe Moods can Music is a soundtrack to CD box sets featuring never-heard- A’s, B’s & Rarities, The Beatles Let It The Orange Award is the third trigger feelings of homicidal insanity. my life, triggering memories before-rarities-remastered-etc., Be…Naked and all the Classic, Live, most important literary award in and emotions long forgotten, which in layman terms means ‘stuff Acoustic, Digitally Remastered and Britain and celebrates its tenth In my CD tower, I have a copy such as Bruce Springsteen that was too mediocre to release All-Time Greats on the shelves. Ch- anniversary this year in a dazzling of The Best Rock Album in the singing “You can’t start a fire initially but fans will buy anything’. Ching! Ch-Ching! ceremony that I’m sure emphasizes World…Ever! Please note they used the Booker Prize is because it without a spark” immediately One other marketing trick used was the need to reduce the distance an exclamation mark, the words is mainly given to men and then brings my Dad’s long-distance the inclusion of a single brand new Best of compilations are great between the two genders and bring ‘best’ and ‘ever’, plus the claim ‘in the create a new prize given only to driving cassette from the - track, so if you wanted to hear it… Christmas gifts and, as I said before, social and literary justice. world’, so can I ask why a year later women. 80s to mind, while The Final are excellent at familiarizing new they released The Best Rock Album Countdown is ‘our’ song and The Eagles are another group guilty generations with music from yester- Perhaps it is the women’s revenge in the World…Ever! Vol. 2? Shouldn’t Writing nowadays is something Mark Knopfler’s Why Aye of this swindle. I love this super group chart. I have The Best of The Doors for all these years exiled from any that have been Best Rock Albums that men and women share Man is a family in-joke. from the -70s, but they have released double-CD and I enjoy listening kind of literature awards. Perhaps or Best Rock Album Series, or the equally and awarded equally. It has countless compilation albums. The occasionally, but when I tried their they had enough of men being sequel should have been titled The nothing to do with stereotypes, The love of individual songs latest was their THIRD Very Best of Strange Days album I was skipping awarded for describing how women Second Best? like men smoking cigars and led me to buy Greatest Hits the Eagles album (1994, 2001 & 2003) tracks. Sorry any Doors’ fans. feel. Perhaps there are too many women knitting, but awards and Various Artists albums. that featured one new song, Hole in Hardcore fans are often against reasons and the differences and the A friend once suggested a few such as the Orange Award only These albums are comparable the World. In their thirty-year history, compilations, whether this is a form unfairness between the genders even reasons that bands regularly re- succeed in further isolating to the free samples of The Eagles also have these in their of musical snobbery or a hardcore in the beginning of the 21st century release greatest hits compilations, women. washing powder – try before discography: Their Greatest Hits, dedication to a group’s every song, I are still not solved. “Not only does it bring in more you buy the big box. The Eagles Live, Greatest Hits Vol. Two, don’t know. royalties, it reminds advert makers first compilation that I ever The Best of the Eagles, Hell Freezes The case is not to recognize the that they could use their song in a played was my parent’s eight- Over (a live album) and Selected Various Artist compilations problem, the problem is here and we commercial and, most of all, it gives LP Beatles Box that featured Works 1972-1999. Ch-Ching! are another source of conflicting know it, the case is how you handle every up-and-coming boy band an virtually every Fab Four track. emotions for me. I love the Best of the problem and creating a close club idea of the song they should cover This set introduced me to The Despite my mockery of these the 1960s’ albums, but find it peculiar of women who award each other for their first hit single.” Cynical, yet Beatles and now I am buying money-spinners, I do have some that there are never any Beatles or is neither helping nor healthy. You something rings true. their individual albums. begrudging respect for the titles Rolling Stones tracks – weren’t they cannot from one side say how unfair that are slapped upon the CD case good enough? Pleasure is found in the While attending a friend’s birthday recently I was once again forced to endure the painful Mary Shelley’s surprisingly modern tale would come to be By Asa Butcher recital of one of the worst songs ever written. Happy Birthday to You is a horrendous song that Frankenstein called Frankenstein:The Modern Prometheus. Signet Classic paperback, 2000 ‘Appy Birfday to Yah gets wheeled out at every opportunity by all age groups in the belief that it adds some extra Frankenstein later By Thanos Kalamidas cheer to the Birthday Hero’s special day. You are became books,cartoons wrong. and comics, films, In 1816, the poet Percy Shelley and parodies, examples, his wife Mary were enjoying a Swiss Happy Birthday is an uninspired four-line horror comedies, t-shirts, holiday with a group of friends,including that merely repeats the same line three times computer games, and, in Lord Byron, when the group decided and includes the unfortunate recipient’s name in the -90s,Robert de Niro to tell ghost stories to one another. another. It also signals the arrival of another year, played the Creature in Nothing particularly memorable just like the extra candle on the cake. In all of another film version. According to Boycott-riaa.com, the story came from the efforts of the rest of my 26 birthday celebrations and all the parties Most importantly, begins as follows: Schoolteacher Mildred the group, except that Shelley’s wife I have attended, I have never heard a group of Frankenstein is the first J. Hill and her sister Patty published the was unable to think of one. That same people perform the song with any melody, tone science-fiction novel song’s melody in 1893 in their book Song night she had a dream, put it to paper or actually together. for the friend of this Stories for the Kindergarten, calling it “Good and Mary Shelley, aged 18, had given kind of literature. Morning to All.” However, the Hill sisters birth to the tale of Frankenstein. Albeit, the “sweet and wholesome” Marilyn Monroe sang gave President John F. Kennedy a didn’t compose the melody all on their own. However, even if you There were numerous popular nineteenth- Her characterization of Dr. Victor loin-stirring rendition of the song for his 45th have seen the film, do century songs that were substantially similar, Frankenstein is a portrait of all those birthday, the song is a tough number to master, read the book. This including Horace Waters’s “Happy Greetings scientists who don’t have any ethics even though the words are simple enough for classic drama contains to All,” published in 1858. The Hill sisters’ when it comes to the success of their five-year-olds. all the twists and turns tune is nearly identical to other songs, such experimentations or theories.Victor’s an Ancient Greek as “Good Night to You All,” also from 1858; Creature represents all those victims In addition to guests unable to do justice, drama can give you. “A Happy New Year to All,” from 1875; and who have to live with the effects. This depending on where and when it is performed, they should also pay royalties. In ‘strange but “A Happy Greeting to All,” published 1885. true’ fashion, Happy Birthday is copyrighted and Children liked the Hill sisters’ song so much the copyright is currently owned and actively enforced by Time Warner. The tune brings in that they began singing it at birthday parties, changing the words to “Happy Birthday to Suomalainen sisustuskirja more than USD $2 million in annual royalties the copyright is now not due to expire until at least You” in a spontaneous form of lyrical parody that’s common in folk music. (Finnish Interior Book) Otava, 2005 2030. Today, the melody has passed into the public By Thanos Kalamidas Royalties should be paid if it is sung in a place domain, so you are safe to hum in public open to the public, among a substantial number without permission, which was my point I know very little about interior design. For me a perfect of people who are not family or friends or you at the start. Next birthday please ask your house should have bookcases from wall to wall and I don’t are involved in a public performance of that work. guests to hum and avoid anybody thrusting understand why the bedroom is so important, since you go Should you ever hear Happy Birthday performed cotton buds deep into their ear canal; failing there to sleep. I never understood why it is so important in a movie then watch the closing credits and that there is always, “For he’s a jolly good glasses need to be there and why blue curtains don’t really you’ll see: fellow…” match a brown sofa. Actually, this ‘it doesn’t really go there’ kills me. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY” Written by Mildred J. Hill and Patty S. Hill http://www.unhappybirthday.com/ Anu Jokela is a Finnish interior designer with experience Used by permission of EMI Music Publishing http://www.boycott-riaa.com/article/ in the UK and her book introduces us to the Finnish world Ltd/Keith Prowse Music Publishing Ltd print/15999 of interiors. There is a combination of minimalist styling and sense of the northern light, while showing that Finns have the right guts to make a book about interiors. Even though the book is in Finnish, the photographs are worth examining to gain an insight into Finnish homes. If you can read Finnish then you’ll get value for money by understanding the text. Don’t just browse through it in the shop; buy a copy! McIlvanney On Football Hugh McIlvanney Mainstream Publishing Co (Edinburgh) Ltd, 1994 By Asa Butcher the first to interview the young Ryan start would have caused England to singlets. World Cup profiles on Hugh McIlvanney is a craftsman. seethe with penetrative ideas has figures such as Hagi and Romario Giggs. A painter of words, a sculptor seen something this watcher has provided depth to the headlines It comes as no surprise to learn that of vocabulary and a metaphor missed.” they usually garner on the sports McIlvanney has been a regular winner magician. Page after page provided Throughout his last section pages as goal scorers, exhibiting of the prestigious Sports Writer of the a concrete foundation for those McIlvanney focuses on the World their struggle to the top and Year, seven times no less, and has the goals,players and magical moments managers and most formidable self-imposed; there is common sense, Cup dramas that have unfolded over their respective backgrounds. unique distinction of being the only shown numerous times on the individuals the game has ever known justice in his methods and a preserved the decades. Two of his best pieces One of the few criticisms that sports journalist to be voted Journalist television, never meaning anything is hard to contend, when the trio are moral standard. Clichés are almost involve England, the first was their could be found with McIlvanney of the Year, when you read literary to somebody like me born in the Sir Matt Busby, Bill Shankly and, the absent from the book, except for the 1966 World Cup final which was the On Football was repetition of genius such as the day Kenny Dalglish late Seventies. Match Of The Day Big Man, Jock Stein. A bias continues piece on Bobby Moore’s death when he first time I had ever read the match some of his favourite phrases becomes a gusher of controversial would ask viewers to pick their when he highlights the wonders of remembers Moore exchanging shirts and the second was the 1970 match that have been used over the quotes, stones will be queuing up to favourite World Cup goal but the present generation of Scottish with Pele in 1970 recognising that, against Brazil in Guadalajara that years. His pet phrase seemed give blood transfusions, and of George there was never any context for success stories with Alex Ferguson, for them, brotherhood in sport had seems to be an example of perfect to be the reminder that over Best’s balance, it would have made Isaac a maturing football supporter Kenny Dalglish and George Graham meaning. football and sports reporting. Brazil the past eight World Cup Newton decide he might as well eaten when choosing between Tostao topping his list. The passing of a legend provoked appear to share a place in the author’s tournaments, England have won the apple. and Bobby Charlton. ‘The Big Man and Other Giants’ and McIlvanney to produce some of his best heart with his native Scotland, they their way through only three Following on from the profiles are McIlvanney On Football has ‘World Cups’ make up the two largest work and the pieces included portray are accredited with playing the game qualifying series – it begins to get a number of articles that examine been 35 years in the making; the sections of the book, while a smaller the character of both the author and beyond a professional standard and under your skin as an England the issues English and World football book collects together many of section titled ‘Issues’ concentrates the deceased. Celebration of their lives are depicted as Herculean in matches. supporter. I believe occasionally are facing. Following the Hillsborough his greatest articles written for upon the darker aspects of the game. was the key component, whether it was When they played one another and reading this would bring more disaster there were many knee-jerk national newspapers, such as The McIlvanney’s interpersonal expertise Stein, Shankly, Busby or Moore he knew Scotland lost 4-1, McIlvanney wrote enjoyment than ploughing reactions and an absence of common Observer and The Sunday Times, is outstanding throughout the first how to elevate them above being a in defense of the losers, “when Brazil through it in a couple of sittings. sense, however McIlvanney put forward during three decades of sports section and has the ability to obtain successful component of the game and is in an attacking mood a goalkeeper Overall the book was an eye- a deeply intelligent feature that stirs journalism. Hugh McIlvanney has the deepest insight of the interviewee champion them as a great human beings. is liable to feel that his efforts are as opening read and provided a the imagination and comments on steadily built a solid reputation or subject. In his article on Jimmy His words could have been used as a futile as sticking brown paper on the great deal of context to the society as a whole. One paragraph among fellow journalists and has Greaves and his fight with alcoholism, eulogy at their funeral, of Sir Matt Busby windows during a nuclear attack.” football that has surrounded me highlights the need for football as an a kinship with giants of the game ‘Greaves gets by on his own spirit’, he wrote,“he could be passionate about Time after time the author has since my first tentative years as escape from the drabness imposed by that is clearly reflected through his the compassion of the journalist is football without losing perspective his finger on the pulse appropriate a young football supporter. Now unemployment and poverty and from writing; his respect for particular prevalent. The high-esteem thought about its place in relation to the deeper reaction and comments to World I have moved on beyond the the terracing they can, for an hour or players and managers cannot fail of this ex-player was summed up concerns of the heart.” Cup events, he was disgusted by need to memorise factoids and two at least, look down on Yuppiedom to rub off on the reader. with his quote “when we say that Recognising the humanity of players and Uruguay’s uncouth behaviour in statistics, the soccer equivalent with unanimous contempt. From his first piece on the 1960 British football is unlikely ever again paying tribute to those who keep their 1986 describing them as ‘having of the taxi drivers Knowledge. Rampant hooliganism, reckless and European Cup Final at Hampden to know the riches brought to it by feet on the ground and acknowledge psychopathic paranoid tendencies’, Beyond the Panini sticker album dangerous elbowing and Clive Thomas Park to the 1986 World Cup game Greaves...we are dealing in reality, their roots is prominent in the interview echoed the footballing opinion of and recreating a Lineker goal at making his opinions about referees between Uruguay and Scotland not nostalgia.” with the irrepressible Brian Clough, this household that Shilton should the park is the vibrant history, heard are all featured in the ‘Issues’ there is a generous sprinkling Nostalgia is absent from then manager of Nottingham Forest. have squashed Maradona, physically the tantalising folklore and section, although taking the death of of all things Auld. McIlvanney is McIlvanney’s writing since the The opening paragraph illustrates the punched the ball out and never gifted soccer legends that the Graham Taylor’s regime as an issue was Scottish and having been bought articles are a compilation of work difficulty of motivating Clough to talk given God a chance, while his level- game has produced over three one of the highlights. It took me a couple up in the industrial West, he previously published, however in his about motivation, although he was headed opinion on the press vilifying decades, Hugh McIlvanney has, of minutes to compose myself after naturally has a place in his heart introduction he does state that he quite happy to open his heart, offer a Bobby Robson for deciding to to quote part of his introduction, he wrote: “Let us remember that the for others who grew up around has always seen the game through plain-spoken opinion on the subject return working for PSV Eindhoven “raised my spirits and deepened favoured alternative to Palmer was not the coalfields and down the mines his own eyes and not relied upon that resulted in a very colourful article. after the 1990 World Cup reminded my attachment to what I regard a Bobby Charlton or a Bryan Robson of Lanarkshire and southern somebody else to interpret the game McIlvanney’s reputation in the world us that the worst of the country’s as the most beautiful and in his prime. It was Sinton, and anyone Ayrshire. His belief that Scotland for him, like some journalists today. of soccer is powerful enough to be hooliganism has nothing to do with exhilarating of all team games.” who believes his involvement from the produced three of the greatest The rules that govern his writing are permitted, by Alex Ferguson, to be tattoos, beer bellies or Union Jack Permission to Land: The Darkness By Asa Butcher 2003 Warner Music Each of the ten tracks does offer something different, different isn’t necessarily good, but different nevertheless.The opening track ‘Black Shuck’ promises Throughout the history of music there have been to offer some real rock but then comes crashing albums that have changed the face of music and down around our ears when Justin opens his mouth, pushed the genre beyond its boundaries: The Beatles’ while the next track ‘Get Your Hands Off My Woman’ White Album, Nirvana’s In Utereo, Queen’s A Night At the allows packs of dogs to howl in unison. Track three Opera, The Eagles’ Hotel California, REM’s Automatic for ‘Growing On Me’ could be as close to a love song as the People, and countless more influential albums that The Darkness get but with lyrics like, “I won’t have a have found a place in the public’s heart. Permission to life until you’re dead” but I’m still in two minds. Land by The Darkness is certainly not one of those. Following the same music industry standard for every While most contemporary bands are quite happy to album, track four was the first track released as a rehash an old hit or two from yesterchart and line the single and is perhaps its one redeeming feature. It has original artists pockets with more royalties this band a sing-along chorus, à la Bon Jovi, and the video that have taken a different approach. The Darkness have accompanied it was a real homage to Peter Frampton drawn heavily on the super rock bands of the past, and his open-chested catsuit with tight leather such as Queen, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin trousers. and KISS – not bad influences I hear you say – which is why it such a shame that the album stumbles through the darkness. ‘Love is Only A Feeling’ slows the pace down and allows Justin to sing within the human hearing range and the following track,‘Givin’ Up’, features the subject From Justin Hawkins’ opening pained warblings on of heroin abuse and the rather pleasant line, “I’d inject ‘Black Shuck’ to the final track ‘Holding My Own’ he into my eyes.” ‘Stuck In a Rut’ provides Dan to get in screams and wails throughout all ten tracks leaving on the action and perform some Slash-like guitar that anybody with a headache or migraine wanting to kill will send air guitarists everywhere into fits of ecstasy, themselves by mid way. It is the castrato vocals that which is followed by ‘Friday Night’ which is actually disappointed me and it was a crying shame because quite a nice song and I am unsure how it ended up on behind the screeching are some great melodies. this album. Justin also plays guitar, synthesizer and piano on the Just as some doubt was beginning to enter my mind album, Ed Graham is on drums, Frankie Poullain over the quality of Permission to Land the penultimate plays bass and Justin’s brother Dan plays lead guitar. track ‘Love On the Rocks With No Ice’ kicked off Together they have recreated the style of genuine rock and we plummeted straight back into Screechville: that has slowly disappeared from the charts because Population Dan Hawkins. The final track ‘Holding so many people seem to believe it only belongs to My Own’ wasn’t offensive and wasn’t a classic, it mulleted, leather-clad, low I.Q. hardcore rockers. The just signalled that the end of a mere 40 minutes of band obviously loves their musical influences and has aural torture was in sight. The Darkness could be managed to recreate a cheesy genre but play without the antidote to the sugary crap dealt out by the pop any tongues in cheek. ponces, sorry, princes and princesses but they need to turn the treble knob down and move into the light. Cherchez la femme: Mothers-in-law It was a beautiful sunny day, Adam went to play golf and Eve stayed at home, absolutely The price of bored. There was nobody else around. She had no friends to call, no TV. She was alone in paradise. “Why the hell did that man think that every beautiful an apple day is a good day to play golf?!” - she wondered. Any woman in that situation By Thanos Kalamidas would have done anything for a big bar of chocolate, but, Continuing my study of the human race, instead, what she found was an it came in front of a very special kind of apple tree. Around the apple species that I have to admit totally confused tree, she found that strange By Juliana Elo my special powers as an expert of the super smooth-talking snake: Schizoid- psycho- history, among other things. I tried to call the Pope thinking of - Are you unhappy with what him as an expert but I found out that he you see in your reflection on You know the end...she got two for secret documents that revealed had moved to the next level; he became a the water?! Doesn’t that grape the price of one! Everything was all what Paavo Lipponen had said to saint or something like that anyway. Then leave you wore last summer fit right to Adam, as long as she wouldn’t Bush about Finland being with I tired to call the philosopher Charlie but you anymore?! Have you tried be after him complaining that she the USA in the war against Iraq; he was busy getting married. So, I ended up everything without success? wanted more attention. But later, when strangely, she maintained her with some very interesting conversations This is the opportunity to the Boss asked how he would pay for dignity and resigned. The whole with simple people. change the way you look, feel those apples, he put it on her back. world blamed Yoko Ono for the sexy and confident!!! Well, that’s the end of paradise for end of The Beatles and, here at One of the things I learned was that simple Eve was listening to the snake, them both. The saga of the apple still home, every time my husband people have many stories for this species, with her eyes wide open. happens today, except now it’s called looses his things, among his own for example: Gary was travelling down a the credit card. mess, it’s my fault. quiet country road when he noticed a large - Our apples are carefully It doesn’t matter how much you try to keep group of people standing around outside designed to get you in shape Women’s guilt is such an old story, They say if there’s a mystery away from her, even miles away she will find a house. He stopped and asked a farmer faster than any other thing you but it’s extremely profitable and men that nobody can solve, a crime a way to come to your house. This proves why such a large crowd was gathered. The could eat. With just one apple, did their best to spread it into every with no suspects left - Cherchez that this monster has perfect olfaction. It farmer replied, “Billy Bob’s mule kicked his you can have enough fibre, culture, passing it from generation to la femme! – Find the woman, doesn’t matter what you do, she will never mother-in-law and she died.” protein and vitamins to keep generation. because there might be a woman be happy and she will always have a good “I see,” Gary said, “Well, she must have had you in the best possible shape! involved. It can be because of a word for you in the end that makes you a lot of friends.” You know what they say: an In Greece, Pandora opened the box woman, for a woman, or a woman understand that all the murderers are not “Naw,” the farmer replied,“We just all want apple a day keeps the doctor and spread all the evil of the world, herself. Sure! What else would guilty. This shows that this monster has a to buy his mule.” away!!! but nobody blamed her husband take these so centred wise men perfect tongue, very pliant! Epimetheus for stealing the fire. In out of their minds? The Mother-in-law is an overweight - Forget the oranges and France, Jeanne d’Arc was accused of I suppose that if you are married, you have monster with a red nose and blue hair. She bananas! With a single apple, sorcery, but nobody burned Charles On the other hand, “Cherchez some knowledge about mothers-in-law, if cooks well and her hobby is to eat sons or you can make delicious pies, VII for being weak, while so many other la femme” can be used in case you are not married, you are lucky. Keep it daughters-in-law. Nobody is good enough refreshing juices and much, women around Europe were burned somebody is not able to do this way. for her baby and even classic painters, like much more! No more seeds during the Inquisition. something. Women might go to Leonardo da Vinci (known for his latest between your teeth, isn’t it men when they need to open a My best friend was explaining one night in coded bestseller), had a MIL who’d hold a fantastic?! What are you waiting In Arabic countries, women are jar, but if there’s a harder problem: a pub how wonderful his mother-in-law is. heavy rolling pin in her hand ready to hit for?! It’s yummy, it’s red and it stoned to death when suspected of - Go and find the damn woman! He actually said, “My mother-in-law is an any son or daughter-in-law who would dare fits under your bed!! Get your adultery, not the men. In Japan, it’s angel!” The other friend smiled at him and stand in front of her. apple now and you’ll get this mother’s fault if the children aren’t It’s not easy to be a woman, but added, “Lucky bastard, mine is still alive.” unbelievably smart sharp stone the best at school. In Finland, Anneli I must confess it is fun. that cuts anything… Jäätteenmäki was blamed to for using I spy with my eye something My Taiwanese friend Raymond beginning with K By Thanos Kalamidas thought he was making a joke, they kept until 2001. But back in the mid-80s, they so my first reaction was to were strong, very strong, On the 13th of March this year, the laugh. He wasn’t joking, it is very By Asa Butcher and Chaing Ching-kuo, President of China, Secretary of the important how you sound when Chinese Communist Party and head of Chiang Kai Shek’s son was you say something in Chinese; the president. Taipei was the Chinese Army, Hu Jintao, wearing a full you might say one thing and army uniform, called the army to be ready holding the financial miracle Knickers can get a man’s blood pumping; At the bar, the guys are all sharing stories mean another. and my friend Raymond was sadly not to our entire body, but just one about past girlfriends who slid off their sexy for a war in a televised message. On the 14th, a day after the Chinese Parliament telling me that he couldn’t particular nether region. Knickers, panties, Ann Summer’s panties to reveal a ghastly For fifteen days, Raymond communicate with his family bloomers or the final obstacle, whatever stain, or while experimenting with knickers voted a law that lets the government became my guide and friend. to use even force, if necessary, to stop back on the mainland. you call them, are the sexiest material with a sexy little zipper they accidentally We were in all kind of different construction. trapped tender flesh. More beer passes Taiwan declaring its independence. meetings all day where he was His biggest dream was to through our livers and more stories spill my assistant and translator, and visit Peking and see his lost It doesn’t matter if they are part of a lacy out, like tugging a girlfriend’s tampon string Taiwan is thousands of miles away. It is then he took me around Taipei. a very small country next to the biggest family, his cousins and aunties. lingerie package from Victoria’s Secret or the as it snaked over the top of her underwear As we visited museums and Aunties and cousins he knew everyday cotton variety, they and then someone admits country. Mao Che Tung once said that monuments, he told me the if all the Chinese people hit their foot only from his father’s stories. always demand attention. being caught by his mum history of Taiwan and, for a few His wife, a native Taiwanese Girls seem to think that trying some on. on the ground the same time the whole evenings, we were joined by his globe will shake. It is probably true.Then, with long roots on the guys are only turned on wife and their fantastic four- island, shared her feelings for by the tiny g-strings, which Yes, female underwear is snug there is a tiny island off the coast of year- old son. China, with Chinese people, that wants mainland China and, when I is not true. Our minds are and I still claim that it was for later met more Taiwanese, I purely focused on the gift a bet with my invisible friend, to be free. Free from where? From their mother country. learnt that they all shared the within; ask any man what but that is not important. same contradicting feelings. colour his lover’s knickers Debates rage in fashion were and the response will magazines about VPL (visible They are the same people, with the same past, the same origins; they have been For the next three years, be a sheepish grin. panty line) and whether it I‘ve visited Taiwan at least is acceptable or a faux pas. the same throughout their centuries if history. Their differences have built up four times a year. Every This stems from men never growing up. Personally, seeing any type of underwear on single time I met my friend Kids don’t care about the wrapping paper display reminds me of a building site – weird over the last 60 years with a great deal of tension, bitterness and…politics. They Raymond and every single on the present, they just want to tear it I know – but it girls are able to get away time I started a conversation open and play with it; men are just the same. with these things more. Could you imagine have built up so much that they are ready for a war; a civil war. he had to tell me something As hormonally charged teenagers, we spent how sexy a pair of beige Y-fronts hanging about Chiang Kai-Shek and hours drooling over the underwear section over the top of a pair of cords would look? My Taiwanese friend Raymond every time I could see him of mail-order catalogues and not many of us In the mid-80s, I was working for an explained to me, or better international company in Tokyo and I getting sad thinking about his were thinking of placing an order. In the end, they are just another piece of painted with words, Chiang family on the mainland. clothing, but WHAT a piece! It is strange used to travel often to Taipei, Taiwan. Kai-Shek’s march out of main Once a guy finds himself in a long-term that the idea of wet t-shirts arouses but wet Taiwan was at the top of their industrial China, the strangle of the native miracle when all the world was full of If these people, who love relationship, the inevitable happens and we knickers are purely for the water sports population against Kuomingtang, China so much, have so many find the illusions tumbling down around us. crowd. If all this talk has left you with your ‘Made in Taiwan’ products. However, my the move of a whole army most memorable visit to this city was my memories and ties with the The shock of learning that girls do not wear knickers in a twist, then I suggest one course and their families from China, mainland are ready to start this sexy underwear everyday and their of action…go commando. first. following their nationalist leader a war with China, aren’t they drawers are not filled with erotica is a bitter Chiang Kai-Shek. worth their freedom and disappointment. They complain about how A man called Su Lee Smith, I don’t know if he would like to see his real independence? thongs are uncomfortable and slowly chip Chiang Kai-Shek was not the away at our slutty fantasies. name written, was waiting for me at the best example for a democratic airport. Very politely in perfect English, leader. On the contrary, he he explained to me that because I’m a and Kuomingtang had an iron foreigner I could call him Raymond. I fist over Taiwan. Something
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