COLD OPEN TITLE: 9:20 pm TITLE: On a Wednesday TITLE: Philadelphia, PA OVER TITLES, WE HEAR: DENNIS (V.O.) Just checked downstairs, and that’s all expired too. MAC (V.O.) Frank, you need to buy more beer. FRANK (V.O.) Not happening. I just bought a shipment a few months ago. FADE IN: INT. PADDY’S PUB - NIGHT Frank, Mac, and Dennis are gathered around the bar. The pub is almost empty, save two old, greasy, disheveled bums. MAC Yeah, well now it’s expired. We need more. FRANK I’m not buying dick ‘til we sold what we’ve got. MAC Nobody is going to want expired beer! FRANK (INDICATING THE BUMS) Those guys are lapping it up. MAC Both of them got their tongues cut out in POW camps. DENNIS Mac’s right. We need better product. I don’t want to keep serving these mutilated psychos. CHARLIE EXITS THE BATHROOM WITH HIS HANDS COVERED IN SHIT. "The Gang Burns Out" 2. CHARLIE Dude, those toilets refuse to unclog. MAC Charlie, Christ, you gotta use a plunger, buddy. CHARLIE What, this? Nobody cares. MAC People care! People care! Why do you think nobody’s here?! CHARLIE Nah, man, people like it. It reminds them of themselves. DENNIS Charlie, you wanna know I slept with the waitress? By carrying myself with dignity, and grace, and not sifting through shit with my bare hands like a monkey! CHARLIE Woah, dude, you can’t say that. It’s racist. MAC What are you talking about?! A HEATED ARGUMENT BREAKS OUT ABOUT THE ATTRACTIVENESS OF SHIT AND RACISM. DEE ENTERS WITH A CUP OF COFFEE. DEE Guess what, another one of those coffee shops just opened around the corner. DENNIS There you go. These coffee shops are stealing our young clientele. MAC (TO FRANK) Yeah, probably because their supplier isn’t actively sabotaging the business. FRANK You momos don’t know the first thing about running a business. "The Gang Burns Out" 3. DENNIS We did it for years before you came along. DEE It’s true, old man, you’re bringing us down. CHARLIE (INDICATING CUP) You’re one to talk. You’re supporting the enemy. DEE Of course I am. These coffee shops are packed with beautiful male actors and producers. MAC Hey, there’s an idea. If we started selling coffee, we could get some ripped Clark Kent-like dudes in here and satisfy Dennis’ creepy young girl fetish. DENNIS Oh, man, imagine it. A bunch of confused college girls, new to the city, missing their families, looking for a new father figure. I’m in. FRANK No. Come on, this is our spot! Where the gang chillaxes. DEE Run back to your sewer, deadbeat. If we got some producers in here, I bet they’d recruit me for my jokes. FRANK Fine. Let’s do it. FRANK PULLS OUT HIS PHONE AND WALKS AWAY AS HE DIALS A NUMBER. DENNIS Really? FRANK You think you guys are hot shit? By tomorrow morning, I’ll make this the most successful coffee shop in all of Philadelphia. "The Gang Burns Out" 4. DEE Yeah, right. How are you gonna do that overnight? FRANK (INTO PHONE) Talonheart? It’s Warthog. I’ve got a proposition for you. MAIN TITLES: TITLE: “THE GANG BURNS OUT” TITLE: IT’S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA THE PUB HAS BEEN CONVERTED INTO A COFFEE SHOP. IN ADDITION TO THE BAR’S ORIGINAL SEATING, THERE ARE SEVERAL NEW TABLES, BENCHES, CUSHIONED CHAIRS, ETC. WHERE THE LIQUOR USED TO BE DISPLAYED, THERE’S NOW A MENU WRITTEN IN CHALK. AN ESPRESSO MACHINE SITS AT THE END OF THE BAR. THE PLACE IS PACKED WITH COLLEGE STUDENTS. THOSE WHO DO HAVE THEIR COFFEE ENJOY THEMSELVES, WITH EVERYONE ELSE WAITING IMPATIENTLY ON LINE. MANY ARE SLUMPED ON THEIR TABLES. DENNIS FUMBLES WITH THE ESPRESSO MACHINE WHILE DEE SERVES AS THE CASHIER. THE ESPRESSO LETS OUT A BURST OF STEAM. DENNIS God dammit, this thing burned me again! DEE TALKS TO THE OVERWEIGHT CUSTOMER AT THE HEAD OF THE LINE. DEE So the husband walks in and says, “Get off my wife, fatass!” So the fat guy rolls over twice, but he’s still on top of her! THE CUSTOMER STARES AT HER BLANKLY DEE (CONT’D) Christ, lighten up. Ha! Get it? Bonus joke. THE CUSTOMER IS STILL NOT AMUSED. DEE (CONT’D) Obviously you aren’t my intended audience. MAC EXITS THE BASEMENT CARRYING A TUB OF DIRTY DISHES. HE APPROACHES DENNIS. "The Gang Burns Out" 5. MAC This blows. Why am I on dishes? There are no beefcakes in the basement. DENNIS At least you can do your job. I’m stuck here on this impossible space- age technology. Can I just get a coffee? I just want a coffee! THE MACHINE BURNS DENNIS. DENNIS (CONT’D) Dammit! How am I suppose to father these women when I’m trapped like a rat behind this counter? MAC SURVEYS THE CLIENTELE. HE SEES ONLY HIPSTER YOUNG WOMEN, SKINNY MEN, AND THE FAT CUSTOMER. MAC (INDICATING FAT CUST.) Wait, where are my Clark Kents? He is not my Superman. DEE Tell me about it. This chubby-cheeked bastard wouldn’t know a good joke if I shat one in his mouth. CHARLIE APPROACHES THE GANG. CHARLIE Hey, what’s the hold up. We got customers, baby, customers! DENINS This damn machine is broken. When I ask for coffee, all it does is attack. CHARLIE Jesus, Dennis, that’s the business. You want, coffee, you gotta get burned. CHARLIE USES THE ESPRESSO MACHINE, LETTING OUT STEAM DIRECTLY ONTO HIS ARM. HE SCREAMS IN PAIN AS THE CUP FILLS WITH ESPRESSO. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Alright, now quit your yap yap yap yap yap yappin’, you’re embarrassing yourself. And Dee, try looking pretty for the customers, okay? I’m gonna check the toilets. "The Gang Burns Out" 6. CHARLIE PASSES THE COFFEE TO DEE AND WALKS AWAY. DENNIS STANDS SHOCKED AT THE WAY HE WAS JUST TREATED. THE FAT CUSTOMER SNICKERS AT CHARLIE’S COMMENT. DEE Would you like several donuts with your coffee? SHE MIMICS HIM EATING SEVERAL DONUTS. DEE (CONT’D) Bub bub bub. Bub bub bub bub. Bub bu- THE CUSTOMER THROWS THE COFFEE IN HER FACE AND LEAVES. A GOOD AMOUNT GETS IN HER MOUTH, WHICH SHE SWALLOWS. HER FACE IS RED AND BLISTERED. DEE (CONT’D) Oh, dammit! That burns! That really burns! You fat bastard! These are not the customers I wanted! MAC Of course not. Look what we’re selling. Coffee and donuts? Where’s the protein? DEE Guys, I’m horribly burned. Can someone get me ice or something? DENNIS Christ, Dee, what do I look like? An EMT? I can’t help you with that. CHARLIE EXITS THE BATHROOM. CHARLIE This generation with their organic nonsense. Nobody’s shitting, dude. HE NOTICES DEE. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Is that what you think pretty is, Dee? If you don’t take this seriously, I’m gonna have to fire you. MAC You can’t fire anybody, dude. CHARLIE Oh, yes I can. Frank put me in charge. "The Gang Burns Out" 7. ALL What? FRANK ENTERS WITH A CREW OF NATIVE AMERICAN DRESSED IN FULL NATIVE AMERICAN GARB. FRANK Aloha, Bitches. MAC What’re these Christian hating Indians doing here? FRANK This is Talonheart and his tribe. They sold me the coffee. DENNIS Whatever. Listen, Frank, we gotta do something about that espresso machine. Every-- FRANK Nope. I’m done. MAC What do you mean? FRANK You said I was brining you down? In one night, I made us more successful than ever. I’m not helping anymore. DEE This is not success. This coffee is boiling and wildly bitter. Here. SHE PASSES A CUP TO MAC. HE SIPS IT. MAC Wow. Yeah, that’s dogshit. FRANK I gave you exactly what you wanted. In return, me and the new gang are gonna do peyote in the back office. Charlie, you’re the boss. Also Deandra, you’re looking uglier. FRANK WALKS TO THE BACK OFFICE WITH THE NATIVE AMERICANS. CHARLIE You heard the, man. Back to work. "The Gang Burns Out" 8. DENNIS Yeah, no, that’s not gonna happen. I didn’t think it would come to this, but to rule these minions, it looks like I’ll have to pop it off.. DENNIS POPS OFF HIS SHIRT, DEMONSTRATING HIS ADEQUATELY TONED BODY TO THE COFFEE SHOP. HE HAS SEVERE, GROSS BURNS AND WELTS ON HIS ARMS. MOST PEOPLE WITH COFFEE DON’T NOTICE. THE ONES WHO DO ARE DISGUSTED. MAC Jesus, dude, what’s wrong with your arms?! DENNIS Oh, goddamn it! That goddamn espresso machine! I’m... a monster! THE CONSCIOUS CLIENTELE BEGIN FILING OUT. DENNIS INDICATES HIS FACE AND PECS. DENNIS (CONT’D) No, come back! Don’t focus on these. Look here. At this. And at these. CHARLIE Alright, that’s enough out of you. DENNIS Get your shit-covered mitts off of me. CHARLIE No, man, you’re gross, you’re creepy, you’re disfigured -- you’re freaking everybody out. DENNIS I’m not-- CHARLIE Come on, you’ll love the basement. CHARLIE LEADS DENNIS DOWNSTAIRS. MAC AND DEE ARE LEFT. AS THEY TALK, THEY BOTH ABSENTMINDEDLY SIP COFFEE. MAC Alright, clearly this coffee thing is a failure. DEE Clearly. "The Gang Burns Out" 9. MAC But I have an idea. DEE Lay it on me. MAC We’ll never get our ripped actors with this shitty coffee. DEE No we won’t. MAC Unless we make it the ultimate power fuel. DEE You’re losing me. MAC Dee, no beefcake wants this hot coffee. It burns away muscle gains. DEE That’s not how it works. That’s for sure not how it works. MAC Okay well if you’d let me finish-- you’re steamrolling me. DEE Fine, you’re right, keep going. MAC We need an all male menu. It’s time to bring back fight milk. DEE I... don’t know about that. MAC Sure, it was intended for body guards, but if we tweak the formula, make it more cultured, add some humus maybe, these artsy juggernauts would love it. DEE It sounds like a bad idea. It does not sound good. MAC What are you not getting about this? "The Gang Burns Out" 10. DEE I tell ya, it sounds bad, but you know what... let’s go for it. MAC For real? DEE I don’t know what it is, but I feel great. I feel hopeful. We can do this. MAC You feel it too? DEE I feel it all over. I’m shining. MAC I feel the same! Listen, this coffee it’s bad-- DEE The worst. MAC But dammit if it isn’t rejuvenating. DEE Yeah, looks like the customers are feeling it too. THEY LOOK AROUND THE SHOP. THE PLACE IS PACKED WITH COMATOSE PEOPLE SLUMPED ON TABLES. MAC Yeah, what’s up with that? DEE I didn’t wanna bring it up. Felt like a bummer. MAC They’re relaxed. They’re rejuvenated, and if we put fight milk in the mix, they’ll be Supermen. DEE Yeah, yeah. I don’t understand it, but I get it. I’m going down. DEE FALLS TO THE FLOOR. "The Gang Burns Out" 11. MAC Come on, Dee. I feel it too, but we gotta ask Frank for money to buy ingredients. MAC DRAGS DEE TO THE BACK OFFICE. HE STRUGGLES BUT MANAGES. MAC (CONT’D) Gah, Dee, you bitch, your mammoth feet alone add like 100 pounds. INT. BACK OFFICE -- CONTINUOUS MAC DRAGS DEE INTO THE BACK OFFICE. MAC Frank-- woah. THE OFFICE DESK HAS BEEN CONVERTED INTO A POKER TABLE. FRANK AND SOME OF THE NATIVE AMERICANS SIT AROUND THE TABLE. THE OTHERS LAY INSIDE A NEARBY TEEPEE WITH A CAMPFIRE. FRANK HAS AN INTRICATE FACE TATTOO AND IS BUG-EYED, CLEARLY FEELING THE PEYOTE HARD. FRANK What? MAC How much peyote did you guys do? FRANK Ha! You’re right brothers. The white man only accuses, never doing anything on his own. MAC Whatever. Frank, we need money. FRANK I’m no longer with your tribe. If you want my money, earn it from me. See if the Great Eagle of Luck is on your side. DEE Do it Mac. I know you can do it. MAC Yes. I will. For my homeland. DEE What? "The Gang Burns Out" 12. MAC Nothing, I was just trying something out. FRANK The game is blackjack. MAC Very well. My lord and savior is gonna shit all over whatever bird thing you worship. DEE First, could you get more coffee. MAC That’s a good call. I’ll be right back. INT. BASEMENT -- DAY DENNIS IS PACING AROUND THE BASEMENT. HE JUMPS AND YELPS IN PAIN. DENNIS Ah, dammit! Oh goddammit! CHARLIE WALKS DOWN THE STAIRS CARRYING THE ESPRESSO MACHINE. CHARLIE There we go, buddy. You’ll be much happier working down here with no little girls distracting you. DENNIS This is ridiculous, Charlie, I can’t work down here. These rats won’t stop biting my ankles. CHARLIE Well, do you have cheese in your pocket? DENNIS No, I don’t have cheese in my pocket. CHARLIE Then don’t worry about it. They’ll get bored of you. They’re just excited is all. DENNIS I’m not going to work in a basement swarmed by rats. (MORE) "The Gang Burns Out" 13. DENNIS (CONT'D) The whole point of this shop was for me to cultivate a family of women to sleep with. CHARLIE That’s not how it works. Look at you. You’re disgusting. Nobody up there would want you. DENNIS Do... do you really think so? CHALRLIE Trust me, you’re hideous. Stay down here ‘til you heal up. Make some coffee. I’m here for you. DENNIS Thank you. Okay, I will. CHARLIE That’s my boy. CHARLIE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Make me proud. CHARLIE EXITS THE BASEMENT. RATS BITE DENNIS’ ANKLES. DENNIS Dammit! Gaaa-- ... HE COMPOSES HIMSELF. HE TRIES USING THE ESPRESSO MACHINE. IT BURNS HIM. DENNIS (CONT’D) AAAHH I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you! I will kill you! RATS BITE HIS ANKLES. DENNIS (CONT’D) Ah! Jesus, why? INT. BACK OFFICE -- DAY MAC SITS AT THE POKER TABLE. DEE IS COMATOSE BESIDE HIM. HE JUST FINISHED ANOTHER ROUND OF BLACKJACK. "The Gang Burns Out" 14. MAC Hit me. Hit me. BOOM! Won again! Let’s do another. HE WAKES UP DEE WITH HIS EXCLAMATION. DEE Wha- what happened? Did you win? MAC I’ve won every single round! We’ll have enough money to make our own damn shop! DEE Yes! Yes, Mac, I knew it! I knew you could do it! FRANK What are you talking? You’ve lost every round. MAC & DEE What? FRANK You’ve busted every time. MAC What? No, that’s bullshit! I have 48. My number is way bigger than yours! FRANK You can’t go over 21, prick. MAC That’s backwards! Why wouldn’t I want the highest number possible?! DEE Oh, Mac, you bastard. You stupid, stupid bastard. How deep in the hole are you? FRANK 70 grand. DEE What?! MAC That’s ridiculous, Frank. I’m not paying you $70,000. "The Gang Burns Out" 15. FRANK Excuse me? MAC Yeah, obviously not. FRANK Are you trying to fuck me? MAC What? FRANK You trying to fuck Frankie? MAC Bro, I’m not paying you $70,000. FRANK You guys think cuz I’m not in your crew anymore, you’re free to fuck me? DEE Nobody’s... FRANK You think I’m some joke? MAC What’s going on with you? FRANK Here’s a joke. FRANK PULLS OUT HIS PISTOL AND SHOOTS A NEARBY NATIVE AMERICAN IN THE KNEE. HE SCREAMS IN AGONY. THE OTHER NATIVE AMERICANS QUIETLY ACCEPT IT. MAC DEE JESUS CHRIST! OH MY GOD FRANK FRANK I’m not your little bang boy, comprende?! MAC DEE Yes, understood! Comprende! Comprende! FRANK You get me my money by tonight, or I’ll paint the wall with your brains! MAC Frank, we can work this out. "The Gang Burns Out" 16. DEE Just to clarify, you mean Mac right? Because I didn’t-- FRANK SHOOTS THE NATIVE AMERICAN’S OTHER KNEECAP. MAC DEE (CONT'D) Alright! We’ll get the money! Oh my God I don’t wanna die. We’ll get the money! Please don’t let me die! FRANK Get me my money! DEE We’re gone! We’re gone! INT. COFFEE SHOP -- CONTINUOUS MAC AND DEE EXIT THE OFFICE IN A PANIC. CHARLIE CONFRONTS THEM. CHARLIE Where the hell were you guys? Nobody’s running the shop! MAC Charlie, we need you’re help-- DEE Frank, he-- Frank. MAC We need money. How much has the shop made? We need it. All of it. CHARLIE It’s made tons, but I’m not giving you shit. DEE Oh, Charlie, Charlie please. MAC You don’t get it. Frank shot the Indian and now we owe him $70,000. We need it or he’ll kill us dude. CHARLIE Well, if you did your jobs instead of playing with Frank, you wouldn’t need money. I keep telling him not to do that bridge peyote. He’ll shoot anything. "The Gang Burns Out" 17. DEE Bridge peyote? CHARLIE Yeah, he bought the peyote under the bridge with the coffee and a bunch of other drugs. It always makes him wacky. MAC Whatever. Dude can you help us? CHARLIE Of course. I know how to calm him down. DEE MAC Charlie! You beautiful ghoul. We’re saved! Thank you dude, We owe you our lives! what do we do? CHARLIE Oh, I’m not gonna actually help you. MAC & DEE What? CHARLIE You goofers abandoned my shop when it needed you most. You’re fired! DEE Fine, just convince Frank not to kill us! CHARLIE Up til now I was just your lil’ shit boy. Nobody offered me help. You want help, you gotta earn it! I learned that the hard way. MAC Charlie, I will eat you, and your heart, and everything you are. CHARLIE Pathetic. The second I earn power, you beg for a helping hand. Help ya damn selves! I wash my hands of you. CHARLIE WALKS AWAY. MAC You’re just washing us off?! "The Gang Burns Out" 18. CHARLIE I’m washin’ ya off! CHARLIE ENTERS THE BASEMENT. DEE Oh what do we do? What do we do? MAC Let’s get more coffee. DEE You’re right. THEY START FOR THE BASEMENT. DEE (CONT’D) Wait! That’s it! I know how to get the money. INT. BASEMENT - DAY CHARLIE TALKS AS HE TROTS DOWN THE STAIRS. CHARLIE Dennis, why are you not on the machine?! We got-- woah AS HE LANDS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS, HE RECOGNIZES DENNIS, NOW WITH EVEN MORE BURNS AND SPLATTERED WITH BLOOD, STARING VACANTLY. HE’S LIMPLY HOLDING AN EMPTY COFFEE CUP. THERE ARE SEVERAL HEADLESS RAT CORPSES SCATTERED ACROSS THE FLOOR. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Good job with these rats, buddy. We can put you to use after all. DENNIS No. I’m not here. CHARLIE Yes you are. DENNIS No. This wasn’t how it was meant to be Charlie. It wasn’t meant, and so it isn’t. CHARLIE Yes it is. Have you been sniffing the paint down here, cause trust me, this stuff is a cut above what you’re used to. "The Gang Burns Out" 19. DENNIS I don’t sniff paint. And I don’t kill rats. Or reside in a basement. I am Dennis, the father. The ruler. CHARLIE No, you’re not. Hey! CHARLIE SLAPS HIM AND GRABS HIM BY THE CHEEKS. CHARLIE (CONT’D) You’re Dennis, the grunt. You’re in this basement because the world doesn’t want you. It wants people like me. Charlie, Earl of... Power. DENNIS CATCHES HIS BREATH, IN AWE OF THE POWER AND CONFIDENCE EMANATING FROM CHARLIE. CHARLIE (CONT’D) I was gonna fire your ass. Good thing you can kill rats. You have potential. DENNIS Really? CHARLIE Yes. All you have to do is submit yourself to me. Do you agree? DENNIS (GRUDGINGLY) Yes. CHARLIE Good. I can use a grunt who knows his place. First thing’s first, we’re almost out of stock. Go the bridge and get more of the mini coffee beans. DENNIS The what? CHARLIE Ah ha! It seems this grunt is also a jester! Fetch the beans before I lose my patience. CHARLIE EXITS THE BASEMENT. DENNIS STANDS CONFUSED. HE REACHES FOR A NEARBY CUP OF COFFEE. RED DENNIS (O.S.) Put that down. "The Gang Burns Out" 20. DENNIS TURNS TO FIND ANOTHER VERSION OF HIMSELF ADORNED IN A RED TUNIC. HE IS WEARING A GOLDEN CIRCLET AND CARRIES HIMSELF WITH GREAT DIGNITY. DENNIS Who are you? RED DENNIS I’m you. Or rather, what you were. DENNIS I’m still like you. RED DENNIS Bah! Bah ha ha! The groveling roach! Thinks he’s still in charge! DENNIS I am no roach! RED DENNIS You’re right. A roach doesn’t live in basements, covered in grime and rat blood. You’re worse than a roach; you’re Charlie. DENNIS That bastard. He stole the control over my domain. That goddamned bastard. RED DENNIS Never to fear, child. Even gods are prone to mistakes. But there is a way out. DENNIS Tell me. Tell me now! RED DENNIS When the first God created man, he also created fire, to erase blemishes such as yourself. DENNIS I don’t understand. RED DENNIS This will burn, but then, you’re no stranger to burns, are you? RED DENNIS SNAPS. DENNIS INSTANTLY CATCHES ON FIRE. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, THE FLAMES EXTINGUISH, ERASING THE BLOOD, BURNS, AND GRIME FROM DENNIS. "The Gang Burns Out" 21. DENNIS It’s me. I’m myself again. RED DENNIS Are you?! Charlie still rules the coffee shop meant for you. DENNIS He’s taken my home from me. RED DENNIS They’re all laughing at you. DENNIS It was a mistake. RED DENNIS And so you must fix it. DENNIS I must burn. RED DENNIS Burn. DENNIS Burn them all. RED DENNIS You want your home back? DENNIS Burn. RED DENNIS You must destroy Charlie. DENNIS Burn! RED DENNIS By destroying his home. DENNIS BUUUUU-- INT. BASEMENT -- CONTINUOUS DENNIS WAKES UP ON THE FLOOR MID-SCREAM, SURROUNDED BY SEVERAL EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE. HE’S STILL COVERED WITH BURNS AND BLOOD. DENNIS UUUUUURN!!! "The Gang Burns Out" 22. HE SPOTS A NEARBY CANISTER OF GASOLINE, GRABS IT, AND EXITS. ACT TWO EXT. UNDER THE BRIDGE - DAY THE SCENE OPENS ON A LARGE PLOT OF UNDEVELOPED CROPS, WITH MOST PLANTS JUST SPROUTING. THERE IS NOBODY IN THE VICINITY. THE TRANQUILITY OF THE SCENE IS DESTROYED AS DENNIS’ RANGE ROVER BURSTS ONTO THE SCENE, RUNNING OVER SEVERAL PLOTS AND ALMOST CRASHING INTO A BRIDGE SUPPORT BEAM. DENNIS EXITS THE CAR IN BLIND FURY. HE FLAILS THE GASOLINE CANISTER IN EVERY DIRECTION, COVERING ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. DENNIS Steal the home and children of the golden god? Make him a bean slave?! Bean slave?! I’m a bean slave?! You goddamned whelp! A NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN BURSTS ONTO THE SCENE. NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN Wait, please, no! What are you doing to my crops? SHE GRABS HIM BY THE ARM. DENNIS WHIPS AROUND AND GRABS HER BY THROAT. DENNIS Do I look like a bean slave to you!? NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN I- you- what? DENNIS (FURY UNTETHERED) ANSWER ME! MAC (O.S.) Dennis? DENNIS TURNS TO FIND MAC AND DEE. HE HAS NOT YET RELEASED THE WOMAN. THEY ARE MELLOW, CALMLY SIPPING COFFEE. DEE Hey, firecracker. What’s got you all riled up? DENNIS Charlie stole my realm from me and thinks there’s no punishment? (MORE) "The Gang Burns Out" 23. DENNIS (CONT'D) My fury is an unrelenting meteor, a blitzkrieg of raining fire- I shall not be mocked! MAC AND DEE LIGHT UP. MAC You’re trying to take down Charlie? You know what, that’s probably easier. Maybe if we knock him down a few pegs, he’ll help us calm Frank down. DEE Yeah, then we can just keep the coffee for ourselves. DENNIS Yes, and we can enslave Charlie as well. MAC Well, I mean we can hammer out the details after-- NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN Please, wait. I don’t understand. Who are you people? Did the bald troll man send you? MAC You know Frank! DEE Funny you mention that. MAC Yeah, long story short, Frank’s gonna kill us if we don’t get $70,000 by tonight. DEE We were hoping you could send some of that coffee our way for us to start our own business. MAC Fight Coffee! DEE Well, still working on the title. MAC You must have crow eggs, right? "The Gang Burns Out" 24. NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN Please, take no more. He took everything: our marijuana, our mushrooms, our opium. UPON HEARING OPIUM, DENNIS BEGINS TO PIECE IT TOGETHER AS THE OTHER TALK. DEE Heyo, this is a full blown drug farm! MAC We’ll take everything you can give us. DENNIS Shut up! I have an idea. MAC Woah, somebody’s a grumpy grump grumpster. DEE Come on, let’s mellow out and figure out how to take down Charlie. DENNIS You idiots. I already know how. NATIVE AMERICAN WOMAN Please let go of me. INT. BACK OFFICE - NIGHT TWO TWEAKED OUT COLLEGE STUDENTS ENTER THE OFFICE WITH A PANICKING WOMAN WITH A BURLAP SACK OVER HER HEAD. THEY SIT HER DOWN IN FRONT OF THE DESK. WOMAN Oh God, please don’t kill me. You can do whatever you want to my body. Anything, just let me live. THE MEN REMOVE THE BURLAP SACK, REVEALING IT’S THE WAITRESS. CHARLIE SPEAKS IN POOR, DEEP-VOICED COCKNEY ACCENT. CHARLIE (O.S.) Thank you, gentlemen. Help yourself to some coffee. THE MEN NOD AND LEAVE. CHARLIE (CONT’D) So, it’s my understanding you’re in need of a job. "The Gang Burns Out" 25. CHARLIE TURNS AROUND IN THE SWIVEL CHAIR, REVEALING HIMSELF TO THE WAITRESS. HE’S WEARING A SUIT, SUNGLASSES, AND A TIE THAT’S NOTHING MORE THAN SEVERAL EXTREMELY TIGHT KNOTS. HE’S PAINTED A BEARD ON HIMSELF AND THE REST OF HIS ACTUAL HAIR BLACK. THERE’S A PAINT MARK UNDER HIS NOSE, AS HE’S BEEN SNIFFING PAINT. FRANK, BUG-EYED, IS LAYING HIS HEAD ON CHARLIE’S LAP, WHICH CHARLIE PETS AS HE WOULD A CAT. WAITRESS Jesus Christ, Charlie. CHARLIE I know not this man, only my thriving business. Frank, contract. FRANK OPENS HIS MOUTH. CHARLIE REACHES IN AND PULLS OUT A FOLDED PIECE OF PAPER. HE UNFOLDS IT AND SLIDES IT TO THE WAITRESS. IT READS “B MYN 4EVER” IN CRAYON. CHARLIE STANDS AND PACES AROUND THE WAITRESS. CHARLIE (CONT’D) Any objections? WAITRESS You had me kidnapped? I thought I was gonna be a sex slave. CHARLIE I don’t know this Charlie you keep mentioning. I’m Slick Goldlick, owner of Philideplhia’s finest coffee shop. Behold! CHARLIE OPENS THE OFFICE DOOR. IT’S A SORE SIGHT. COMATOSE BODIES, INCLUDING THE NATIVE AMERICANS, ARE STREWN ALL OVER THE SHOP: ON TABLES, COUNTERS, THE FLOOR, ETC. THOSE WHO ARE STILL AWAKE ARE BRAWLING TO GET TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE, WHERE TALONHEART SERVES COFFEE. CHARLIE (CONT’D) You can have all this and more on one condition. Never say no to me. WAITRESS Have you been sniffing paint again? CHARLIE Paint? THEY EXCHANGE SEVERAL INCREDULOUS GLANCES. WAITRESS I’m out of here. "The Gang Burns Out" 26. THE WAITRESS LEAVES THE OFFICE AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR. CHARLIE FOLLOWS. INT. COFFEE SHOP - CONTINUOUS CHARLIE (NO ACCENT) Wait, hold up, don’t you want this? Look how pathetic they all are. Look at my power! DENNIS (O.S.) Not so fast, worm. CHARLIE SWINGS AROUND. THE REST OF THE GANG HAS ENTERED THE SHOP. CHARLIE Did you just call me a worm? MAC He’s been calling us that the whole way over. DENNIS You think these people are here because of you? You couldn’t be more wrong, idiot. You idiot! You life stealing freakish idiot! CHARLIE (TO MAC AND DEE) Jesus, it’s like right off the bat MAC DEE I know, it’s ridiculous. I mean the man’s impossible. He’ll just go right at you. So entitled all the time. DENNIS Shut up, all of you. You’re jealous. Jealous because I was the only one-- THE WAITRESS STARTS FOR THE DOOR. DENNIS STOPS HER. DENNIS (CONT’D) Stay, whore. I’m trying to humiliate Charlie. AS DENNIS AND THE WAITRESS TALK, DENNIS TALKS PROGRESSIVELY LOUDER. THE WAITRESS FOLLOWS SUIT UNTIL DENNIS EVENTUALLY STARTS SCREAMING. "The Gang Burns Out" 27. DENNIS (CONT’D) WAITRESS Never in my life have I face You have no right calling me the disrespect that you all a whore, Dennis Reynolds. showed me on this day. I’ve just been kidnapped by Throughout my existence- two drugged out goons, and I There’s opium in the coffee! won’t allow-- There’s opium- Charlie put opium in the coffee! CHARLIE What? DENNIS Those “mini beans” you put in with the regular coffee? It’s opium. Yeah. And none of you figured it out. But I did. I did. Before any of you even could! MAC Is that why the coffee is so calming? DEE Oh shit, I’m addicted to opium now too? That blows. WAITRESS Alright, it’s not safe for a recovering addict to be around opium. I’m out of here. Don’t kidnap me anymore THE WAITRESS LEAVES. FRANK (O.S.) What the hell?! FRANK ENTERS THE SHOP FROM THE BACK OFFICE. MAC AND DEE HIDE BEHIND CHARLIE. MAC DEE Oh shit! Christ no! FRANK Why’d you put my opium in the coffee, Charlie?! CHARLIE I didn’t! I just used the coffee beans and the tiny flavor beans. DENNIS Jesus Christ. "The Gang Burns Out" 28. MAC Frank, kill Dee, she wanted to steal your drugs from the bridge. DEE You lying rat! FRANK Charlie, I was gonna use that opium to knock out the alley cats for that cat parade we always wanted! CHARLIE Oh, I’m sorry, man. Guess I screwed the pooch on that one. DENNIS Hold it, just what the hell is going on here? Frank, weren’t you supposed to be on some sort of vision quest? FRANK Nah, I made it up. ALL BUT CHARLIE What?! CHARLIE C’mon, Frank. Why’d you tell ‘em? FRANK It’s not fun anymore if we can’t celebrate with the cat parade at the end! DEE Wait, so are you gonna kill us? FRANK Nah, I staged it. All of it. MAC What?! FRANK Yeah, I paid off the customers to come here and gave Charlie a chance to lead. I gotcha! I gotcha good! DENNIS Why would you do this?! "The Gang Burns Out" 29. FRANK You guys said you didn’t need me. I wanted to show you things aren’t so easy without Frankie to bail you out. DEE You caused all of our problems! MAC Why would you not just buy us new beer?! FRANK And what? Piss away my dignity? Besides, I didn’t buy the drugs. Talonheart gambled away his reservation to me, but I took his crops instead. THE GANG TURNS TO TALONHEART. HE STARES RIGHT BACK. A SINGLE TEAR ROLLS DOWN HIS CHEEK. MAC Where the hell is there an Indian reservation in Philadelphia? CHARLIE Under the bridge. MAC, DEE AND DENNIS GROANS. MAC That’s a bummer DENNIS Yeah, puts your own problems in perspective. DEE How did you fake shooting that guys knees? FRANK AND CHARLIE CHUCKLE. FRANK Yeah, yeah, about that. You had my back up against a wall. I had to think on my feet. He owed me a crap ton of money anyway, so we’re good now. DEE Oof. "The Gang Burns Out" 30. DENNIS Man We really treat those guys like dogshit, huh? Hahaha! CHARLIE You’re right. I mean who knows if Columbus would’ve even found America without the Indians’ help. DENNIS That’s not what I meant, no. And shut up. From now on, whenever you wanna speak, beg me first. CHARLIE (TO THE GANG) What’s his deal? MAC DEE Seriously, dude, it can’t What’re getting so worked up always be an 11/10 with you. about? You’ll be fine Listen, it’s fine you’ll get tomorrow, just sleep on it. over it. CHARLIE You’re no better than Columbus beating up the Indians. FRANK Them Reds deserve a break. MAC Hey, why don’t we give him the rest of the beer? In the spirit of Columbus! EVERYONE BUT DENNIS HEARTILY AGREES. DEE Don’t worry Talonheart, it’ll all be worth it, pal! THEY GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT. ONLY DENNIS AND TALONHEART REMAIN. DENNIS This is awkward. I burned down your home.
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