Don t Tru‘t Effirything ’ 12 JUL 2020 Masks Don’t According to Robbie McRobson, moose population expected to match head of the UN Moose Preserva- last year’s record figures of one hun- Work! tion Council, worldwide moose num- dred million billion. bers are expected to grow markedly Europe’s rise as an international By RJ HOOPLE on last year due to the traditional moose power will slow slightly this moose strongholds of Canada and the year as a response to the European United States, with the larger de- Union’s move towards standardising veloping moose ecologies also poised the European moose. Stringent qual- As it turns out, you can’t trust ev- to make gains. The largest percent- ity controls are holding back the de- erything you see online. Anyone can agege increase in moose will likely velopment of the eastern european make any article, and with a lot more come from China’’, says McRobson, populations compared to last year time I can make it look exponentially The Chinese government has invested when they contributed significantly more convincing. heavily in moose infrastructure over to europe’s strong growth figures. the past decade, and their committ- Norway, which is not an EU member ment to macrofauna is beginning to but has observer status, strengthed pay dividends’’. Since 2004 China has in numbers relative to the Euro area expanded moose pasture from 1.5% with numbers of Norweigian moose, of arable land to nearly 3.648% and known locally as elk’’ expected to rise moose numbers are expected to rise for the tenth consecutive year, partic- to 60,000 making China a net moose ularly thanks to a strong showing in exporter for the first time. This is the last quarter. good news for neighbouring Mongo- As moose season reaches its close, lia, a barren moose-wasteland whose researchers world wide are turning to inhabitents nonetheless have an insa- science in an attempt to boost next tiable desire for the creatures. The in- year’s figures. NASA stunned the crease in Beijing-Ulanbataar trade is scientific community today with the anticipated to relieve pressure on the announcment of their discovery that relatively strained Russian suppliers, the moon is significantly smaller than but increase Mongolia’s imbalance of previously believed. This conclusion, trade with its larger neighbour. which is the conclusion of a ten- Historically the only competitor year collaborative project, will have Reuters to China in the far eastern moose profound implications for the moose markets has been Singapore but the community as the gravitational field tiny island nation is set to report a is now known to be of the right International net loss, expecting a decrease of more strength to support moose in orbit. than five percent on last year’s 50,000 According to John Johnson, head Moose Count moose counted. The head of Singa- of the NASA Moon Sizing Experi- ment the first delivery of moose into Underway pore’s Agency for Agriculture, Jing- Feng Lau, explained to an incredu- low moon orbit could be achieved as By BOB O’BOBSTON lous Singaporean parliament yester- early as the third quarter of next year. day that bad weather had contributed The technology to nurture moose in to this season’s poor showing, most space is available now’’, he said, ’’all notably when a cargo of 150 moose that is needed is political will’’. The UN-sponsored International were swept out into the Indian ocean Moose Census got off to a flying in a monsoon. Granny wins start today with hopes for an increase Yet again the global demand for in the worldwide moose population moose will be met largely by the World Wrestling compared to last year’s disapointing US and Canada. The recession-hit figures. Among the traditional early States is taking comfort in its moose Championship reporters were Egypt, returning fig- growth figures with gross production By ROY MCROYSTON ures of six moose, a twenty percent expected to break 700,000 and net ex- increase on 2011’s figures of five, and ports to grow by 2%. The worldwide Uruguay whose moose population re- dominance of Canada shows no signs mains stable at eleven. of abating though with this year’s Records were smashed in Don’t Trust Everything 12 JUL 2020 2 Nicaragua’s World Wrestling Cham- the first two rounds, but as John- C grade whilst Johnson received an pionship last night as 78-year-old son became more confident her su- A, becoming the first grandmother to Maud Johnson, grandmother of five, perior strength came to the fore and ever win the title. became the first woman for fifty-six she clawed back two rounds to take years, and the oldest competitor ever, the contest into a decider. By this The new champion explained her to claim the gold medal. She walked time Lutti’s body language indicated success as the result of a strict train- away with her million dollar share of that he already felt overawed by the ing regimen instituted by her coach the prize money, runner up Tommy pretender to his crown, and the new- and grandson five-year-old Sammy Thompson from Nigeria taking half a comer took advantage of this to en- Johnson. "I’ve been drinking ten million, and third place New Zealan- gage a mutual headlock which she raw eggs for breakfast every morning, der John Smith receiving a warm held for three hours until the Vat- sprinting fifty miles a day and carry- handshake from the umpire. ican man retired from exhaustion. ing my daughter’s car to the end of Having started the tournament a The next seven matches were barely the road and back whenever I felt my rank outsider she began to impress a contest as the news of Johnson’s arthritis was OK" she said. Sammy in her second match when she took supremacy overawed all her oppo- added "I always knew she could do US number three Ron Ronson by sur- nents who became too indimidated to it. She’s my grandma.". The young- prise and subdued him in twenty sec- fight properly. ster is also her manager and has re- onds with her unique move that has Nigerian Tommy Thompson is portedly arranged sponsorship deals been dubbed "Maud’s Death Grip". also a relative newcomer to the which will dwarf her one million dol- The injection of a new wrestling style wrestling scene, but with his 210lb lar prize fund. Her new contract with into the tournament was welcomed frame he was expected to fare well headband designer Nike alone is set by spectators and Johnson’s pre- and against Johnson who weighs in at to earn her fourteen billion dollars post-match breakdances have proved only 90lb. However Johnson’s lithe over the next year. She will also be entertaining to fans. However, she and slender, some would say scrawny, promoting Tupperware, Halliburton, was still not expected to win in figure belies her agility and strength the Republic of Macedonia, and Gala round three last Wednesday, facing which she demonstrated by holding Bingo. Her continued participation in off against title-holder Paulo "Spine- Thompson above her head several the sport is not assured as she wants Snapper" Lutti, of Vatican City. Un- times during the bout and throwing to spend more time on her bungee- derdog Johnson was soon showing her him into the crowd once. With the jumping business, and knitting. Ev- worth with stamina and agility easily scores tied at 2-2 time ran out and the eryone here at the World Champi- matching last year’s winner. Lutti’s contest went to a panel of judges to be onships, however, hopes for her re- experience paid off initially as he took assessed. They awarded Thompson a turn.