the office THE WRESTLING MATCH Directed by Paul Feig 1 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 COLD OPEN FADE IN: 1 INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE MICHAEL sits at his desk, an excited look on his face. His attention is drawn to something in the parking lot. The camera looks over his shoulder, and out the window, and sees… 2 EXT. PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS DWIGHT, wearing a CYRUS TRUTH costume, is walking into the building. 3 INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE – CONTINUOUS Michael moves to his closet. MICHAEL It’s time. I can’t believe it’s finally time. Michael pulls an ELI BLACK costume from the closet. Dwight enters Michael’s office. DWIGHT Wait, why aren’t you ready? MICHAEL I am a Regional Sales Manager. I can’t sit in here wearing this stuff all day. Give me five minutes and I’ll be ready. DWIGHT False. You can. Just fire anyone who questions you. MICHAEL (annoyed) What? No, I can’t just… JIM leans into Michael’s office. JIM You guys do know that wrestling is fake, right? Michael and Dwight look at Jim. Dwight looks ready for a fight. 2 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 4 DWIGHT TALKING HEAD DWIGHT Fake? I’ll show him fake. I’ll lock him in a Fujiwara Armbar, and when he’s lying there, begging me to let go, we’ll see if he still thinks wrestling is fake. END OF COLD OPEN 3 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 ACT ONE FADE IN: 5 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM Michael and Dwight stand at the front of the room, still wearing their costumes. Other employees fill the room sporadically. The white board to Michael’s left reads: “REAL OR FAKE?” OSCAR It’s obviously fake. I can’t believe intelligent people such as yourselves would believe otherwise. Use your brains people! PHYLLIS Does it really matter? If you enjoy it, you enjoy it. CREED Yes, it matters! Wrestling is VERY real. I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise. Everyone turns and looks at Creed. 6 CREED TALKING HEAD CREED I may have dabbled in professional wrestling. I once smacked a cripple with a steel chair, right across the head. I won the World Title that night. Best night of my life. (concerned) I’ve said too much. 7 INT. CONFERENCE ROOM MICHAEL Stanley, you seem like you’ve been in your fair share of fights. What do you think? Real or fake? STANLEY (staring at his puzzle book) I do not care. MICHAEL Oh, come on… 4 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 KEVIN Michael, I think it’s real. I once saw a guy get tossed off a twenty-foot steel cage. How do you fake that? OSCAR There are mattresses, padding on the ground. It’s obvious. The discussion is getting heated. TOBY Alright, shouldn’t we get back to work? Is this really the best use of our time? EVERYONE Shut up Toby! There is a KNOCK at the door. TAP TAP TAP. ERIN stands in the doorway. ERIN (timidly) Michael, your guests are here… should I bring them in? MICHAEL (rushed) Yes, yes, yes! Bring them here right away. Michael moves to stand next to Dwight as Erin waves towards the front desk. In walk Professional Wrestlers DEVIN GOLDEN and RANDY RAMON. The two are extremely confused. GOLDEN I’m sorry, what is this? RAMON Yeah, we thought we were supposed to do a press conference meeting with Cyrus Truth and Eli Black to promote the FWA Anniversary Show. Michael puts his hands in his pockets and exhales towards the floor. MICHAEL No, uh, what I said was… A conference room meeting, and we would dress like Eli Black and Cyrus Truth… (to camera) These wrestling guys aren’t the brightest group. 5 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 GOLDEN You know… we can hear you right? Michael looks at the camera and raises his eyebrows, stifling a laugh. MICHAEL Look, I’m sorry for the… miscommunication… but I asked you to come here today to talk about sales. RAMON What would we know about sales? We punch people in the face for a living. Aside from the million albums I sold, I’ve never sold anything in my life. And Devin? He couldn’t sell acorns at a squirrel convention – which is one of the FEW things I can think of that are nuttier than this… ANGELA’S face lights up. MICHAEL You guys are wrestlers… you have to… sell your moves. If you don’t properly act like you’ve been hit, no one will believe that you’re actually hurt. Golden takes a step towards Michael. GOLDEN Are you saying wrestling is fake? MICHAEL (nervous) No, I’m… uh… it is though, isn’t it? Golden and Ramon are becoming increasingly irritated. MICHAEL Alright, alright… can we just… (shrugs and motions toward the group) RAMON (looks at Golden) I guess we can answer a few questions. KELLY raises her hand. RAMON Yes, you in the back? 6 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 KELLY (enamored) You’re cute. Do you have a girlfriend? Do you want one? RYAN’S eyes go wide, jealous of the attention Kelly provides Ramon. RAMON (timidly) That’s a very… personal question. ANGELA (snidely) Come on Kelly, not everyone wants to date the office skank. (folds her hands on her lap and smiles at Ramon) Some men want a nice Christian woman. Michael tries to steer the conversation back to Sales. MICHAEL Alright, does anyone have any questions about Sales? Dwight turns to Golden and Ramon. DWIGHT Who do you think would win between a professional wrestler and an expert in Martial Arts? GOLDEN Well I think they’re two very different disciplines. ANDY You know I was a reserve for the York County all-region high school wrestling team in 2001. I came (hold index finger and thumb a centimeter apart) this close to getting the call up when Jimmy Smith came down with the Flu. JIM (sarcastically) Wow, that’s really close. ANDY Yes, yes it was. Sadly he recovered in time. PAM (shockingly) Sadly? ANDY You know what I mean. 7 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 RAMON Are there any more questions? Because we should really be (motions towards the door) going. KEVIN What was your favorite wrestling match? RAMON That we were in or that we watched? Kevin is confused by the question and trips all over himself trying to answer. JIM Well, I for one can tell you what my all-time favorite dream match would be. What if Andy and Dwight wrestled Randy Ramon and Devin Golden in the warehouse? DARRYL Hey wait a minute, that’s my warehouse. I’m not sure that’s a great idea. TOBY I agree Michael. Somebody’s going to get hurt. I thi- MICHAEL Great idea! Book it! The Clash of the Titans! Everyone, be in the warehouse at lunch time. 8 TOBY TALKING HEAD TOBY Why did I come back from Costa Rica? Uhhh…. (shakes head) END ACT ONE 8 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 ACT TWO 9 INT. KITCHEN Ramon and Golden stand by the coffee pot. Dwight, Kelly and Stanley sit at the table eating. Dwight still wears the Cyrus Truth outfit. RAMON So, what do we do here? GOLDEN This is a new one for me… RAMON We should just leave, right? Just… disappear? Before Golden can answer, DARRYL enters carrying an FWA T-Shirt. DARRYL (shyly) Hey guys, uh, I’m a huge fan. Is there any way I could get an autograph? It’s for my… uh… yeah, it’s for me. Golden takes the T-Shirt. As he moves to sign it, Dwight stands and enters the conversation. DWIGHT If you want an autograph, you should ask for mine. Not only am I a black belt, but I’m clearly a better fighter than either of these idiots, or Cyrus Truth. DARRYL Yeah, I don’t want your autograph… Ramon and Golden leave the kitchen and enter the office. 10 INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS Michael is waiting for them in the office. MICHAEL Where are you guys going? Leaving already? Are you afraid that my team of champions is going to wipe the floor with you? Ramon and Golden look at each other and back at Michael. MICHAEL Well you should be… Dwight is a black belt! He beats up guys bigger than you before breakfast! He doesn’t go down without a fight… (distractedly) except to me… I kicked his butt in his own 9 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 dojo. (smiles to camera) JIM (from the other side of the office) You’re right Michael, why don’t you fight them? MICHAEL Because I’m… retired. Retired as the champion. JIM I think we should up the ante Michael. You should come out of retirement for one more match. I mean, if there was ever a reason to come out of retirement, this is surely it. MICHAEL Jim, you know… no, I’m not fighting. This is Dwight and Andy’s battle to fight. We see a terrified Andy in the background. DARRYL (suddenly standing behind Ramon and Golden) How about we make it three on three Mike. We see a terrified Michael in the foreground. 11 DARRYL TALKING HEAD DARRYL (calmly) Every time Michael breaks something in the warehouse, I dream of this moment. I’m going to let out years of frustration. 12 INT. MICHAEL’S OFFICE Michael sits at his desk. He dials his phone in a panic. MICHAEL Pick up, pick up, pick up. SPEAKERPHONE Go for Packer. MICHAEL Pack-man! I need your help. Somehow, I got roped into a wrestling match. I’m obviously an accomplished martial artist, but I don’t know anything about wrestling. I need you to come train me. Quick! 10 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 SPEAKERPHONE I’ll do you one better. You count me in. I happen to know a few moves, and you know I love a good ruckus. MICHAEL (smiling) You’re the man Packer! I knew I could count on you. Michael hangs up and leaves his office. 13 INT. OFFICE – CONTINUOUS Michael runs in from his office. MICHAEL (shouting) Ha! You losers are going down! We’ve got Packer on our side! DWIGHT (excitedly) Yeah! Packer! ANDY (timidly) Oh... good... RAMON Who? MICHAEL The greatest salesman this company has ever seen! And he’s going to whoop your butts! Jim turns around in his chair. JIM But Michael, if you get a fourth teammate, shouldn’t they? GOLDEN No, we really don’t need… PAM (excitedly) I’ll do it! Everyone turns and looks at Pam. 11 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 14 PAM AND JIM TALKING HEADS PAM I’ve been watching a lot of late-night wrestling, when CeeCee won’t sleep. JIM Plus, who would turn down an opportunity to wrestle their boss? 15 INT. OFFICE MICHAEL No, Pam, I don’t want you getting hurt… PAM Michael I don’t think I’m going to get hurt, I mean, I’ve hit you before… (grins) or are you just afraid it will happen again? MICHAEL Alright, ok, uhh… (turns towards his office) CREED You sure you’re good boss? If you want to sit this out, I know a guy… MICHAEL No Creed… you’re too… old. I just need a minute… 16 RAMON AND GOLDEN TALKING HEADS Neither of them can even look at the camera. GOLDEN What have we gotten ourselves into? RAMON We’re surrounded by idiots… END ACT TWO 12 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 ACT THREE 17 INT. WAREHOUSE A makeshift wrestling ring is set up in the Warehouse. Andy and Dwight practice wrestling moves while the rest of the staff watches, except for Kelly. She stands near Golden and Ramon, trying to look flirtatious. KELLY So you never answered my question earlier. Are you going to ask me out or what? RAMON (apologetically) I’m sorry… is it… Connie? KELLY It’s Kelly! RAMON Yeah, uh, Kelly… I’m not really into brunettes… Kelly storms off. Across the room, Angela smiles but does not look up from her sandwich. In the ring, Dwight is trying to teach Andy some professional wrestling moves, but Andy has no idea what he’s doing. DWIGHT No, idiot, you don’t kick like that. ANDY Oh, and you know better? DWIGHT I am a black belt, trained in the highest forms of (emphasizing the wrong syllables) karate. Of course, I know better. This is how you do it. Dwight kicks the air lightly. ANDY What… that? That wouldn’t hurt a cardboard box! DWIGHT Oh, yes it would! Jim enters the makeshift ring. DWIGHT What do you want Jim? We’re training. 13 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 JIM Oh, don’t let me interrupt… I uhh… did you know that those two (points to Ramon and Golden) are over there talking trash? They said you two don’t stand a chance. They said… you know what? I really shouldn’t say… DWIGHT (agitated) What did they say Jim? What did they say? JIM Well Dwight… they said you two are sissies, and that you wear women’s underwear. Andy is confused. Dwight is appalled. He exits the ring and power walks to Ramon and Golden. DWIGHT (agitated) I’ll have you know that I ONLY wear women’s underwear when I’m farming. The support they provide is unparalleled! How dare you insinuate otherwise! Jim, and everyone within earshot, are shocked. 18 JIM TALKING HEAD JIM No, I had (emphasizes) no idea. 19 INT. WAREHOUSE GOLDEN Hey, I don’t know what you’re talking about, but… Ramon puts his arm on Golden’s chest, stepping in. RAMON No, you know what man? You keep pushing with this black belt stuff. You should take a page out of the book from the guy you’re dressed like. GOLDEN …and what even is this anyways? You tried looking like Cyrus Truth? What is that? Some tattoos. A hoodie. Some tights. What is that? Isn’t this some sort of breaking dress code issue here? Camera focuses on Dwight’s lower body. Lots of skin showing around the thighs. 14 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 RAMON I pegged you the moment we walked in here… MICHAEL (excitedly) That’s what she said! RAMON (looking annoyingly at Michael) Don’t even get me started on you. (looks back to Dwight) But you… you’re the leader. Or at least you try to be, right? GOLDEN Yeah, he’s got the leader complex going strong. Only thing similar between he and Cyrus is neither one knows how to lead. You got this dude trying to shape the office to his liking, the way (emphasizing) he thinks it’s supposed to be. Cyrus does the same. He takes a beat. GOLDEN But you see, a good leader? A truly good leader? Lets his or her people be who they’ve got to be. RAMON (mockingly) I bet you had your partner over there doing some weird training ritual. Maybe in a cabin? In the forest? Away from everyone? Dwight is confused, but Ramon and Golden keep going. GOLDEN Look man, we don’t know what you’ve got going on in that gigantic head of yours, but we are planning to go reeeaaaalllly easy on you. This ain’t the Anniversary Show. This Ain’t the tournament. So be smart, alright? Be smart and put your leader complex to the side. Dwight looks like a deer in the headlights. DWIGHT (sheepishly) You could have just said you didn’t say it… On the other side of the warehouse, Oscar tries to talk sense into Michael. 15 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 OSCAR Michael, these guys train, every day for this. This is their job. This is their life. If you step into that ring, you’re going to get hurt. You don’t know how to protect yourself in there. This isn’t a real fight. You have to call this off… Kevin sneaks up behind Oscar and puts him in a headlock, while giggling. KEVIN Still say it’s fake, Oscar? Oscar manages to wiggle free and shows his complete and total disgust. OSCAR No, you know what? I don’t have to take this. I don’t get paid enough. Oscar storms off, up the stairs towards the office. As he reaches the door, it swings open, nearly knocking him off his feet. Todd Packer steps through the door wearing red and yellow wrestling gear, a red bandana and a fake blonde goatee. He raises his arms in the air. PACKER (triumphantly) Alright ladies, your savior is here! What’cha gonna do, when the Pack-Man runs into you! Packer descends the stairs and climbs into the ring. PACKER Let’s go, are we doing this or what? Ramon and Golden share a look RAMON Let’s get this over with I guess? GOLDEN (dejectedly) Yeah, I guess so. They climb up on the ring apron. Darryl joins them, followed by Pam. Dwight, Michael and Andy are standing next to one another, but when Dwight and Michael climb up, Andy takes a step backwards. 16 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 20 ANDY TALKING HEAD ANDY Yes, I was a reserve in 2001. I was the sixth man on the team. But… there were only six qualified competitors in the district. So… 21 INT. WAREHOUSE Dwight and Golden start in the ring. Dwight rains lefts and rights, but Golden just sidesteps them. When Dwight goes for a right-side kick, Golden sweeps the leg and sends Dwight to the mat. DWIGHT Ok, ok, I wasn’t ready. I see how it is now. Dwight gets up and tries the same thing but ends up with the same result. Frustrated, he tags in Packer. He flexes and grunts, then struggles to rip off his t-shirt. In the meantime, Golden tags Ramon in. As soon as Packer frees himself, Ramon clotheslines him over the top rope and to the floor. Packer lands on his tail bone. After a beat, Michael hesitantly steps into the ring. DARRYL Hey man, let me in? Ramon obliges and tags Darryl into the ring. Michael stops in his tracks and puts his hands up in a defensive manner. MICHAEL Alright, now Darryl, let’s talk about this… DARRYL (rolling up his sleeves) I’m done talking Mike. I’m going to fold you up like an accordion and stuff you in the bailer. I’ve been looking forward to this. Michael retreats to the corner, cowering in fear. DARRYL Aww c’mon man… don’t be like that… Michael doesn’t move. PAM Hey, Darryl, let me? Darryl takes a beat, then tags Pam into the ring. Michael immediately perks up and leaves the corner. He meets Pam in the center of the ring. 17 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 MICHAEL Now Pam, I don’t want you to get hurt. You should not be in here. Think of your kids. Think of Jim. Think of yo- On the last word, he points at Pam. She quickly and effortlessly grabs his arm puts him in a hammer lock. MICHAEL (immediately tapping out) Ow! Ow! We quit. You win! (Pam lets go) I don’t know why you guys always have to… (trails off and leaves the ring). Pam turns to Jim and smiles, giving two excited thumbs up. JIM Nice job Beasley! Dwight follows Michael, who steps over Packer on his way back to the office. DWIGHT Why did you tap out Michael? That was just your basic hammer lock. MICHAEL Just… stop Dwight. You weren’t in there. You didn’t feel what I felt. You didn’t feel the pain. You… you couldn’t even stay on your feet. Just… leave me alone. I need to get some ice. The two disappear into the office. Ramon and Golden leave the ring. Angela steps in front of Ramon. Uncharacteristically, her top button is unbuttoned. ANGELA I’m so sorry about Kelly. She can be a bit much… but tell me… how do you feel about cats? RAMON (slightly intrigued) The animal or the musical? END ACT THREE 18 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 ACT FOUR 22 INT. – CONFERENCE ROOM Michael stands at the front of the room. All of the employees are seated throughout the room. Except for Angela, who scurries in at the last possible second. Her hair is no longer perfect, and her skirt is slightly twisted. She rushes to fix it before anyone notices. Kelly notices. She scoffs and shakes her head. MICHAEL (holding ice to his wrist) Okay, so what did everyone learn today? KEVIN That you’re a wimp? PHYLLIS That you tapped out? OSCAR That maybe wrestling isn’t as fake as I thought. CREED That the game has really changed… Michael shakes his head. MICHAEL No, what did everyone learn about Sales? That’s the entire reason any of this happened. And no, I’m not a wimp. Pam just… blindsided me. Pam smiles. TOBY I learned a few new forms that need to be completed in this… (smiles and motions to Michael’s injured arm) situation. So, it was a good day for me. MICHAEL (aggravated) Everyone listen up. I am (emphasizes) not hurt. This… all of this. The tapping out, the ice, favoring this arm… all of it is selling. I have convinced you that I am hurt. I have forced you to believe that my wrist is injured, and I am in need of medical attention. I have sold you. That is the major take away from today’s events… you should all try to be a little more like me in your day to day job. 19 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 Ramon and Golden walk into the conference room. Ramon smiles and winks at Angela. Dwight notices. He shoots a panicked look at the camera. GOLDEN Alright we’re going to get out of here. It’s been… well it’s been interesting. I don’t know what else to say. Ramon puts out a hand towards Michael. RAMON Put ‘er there friend. Michael hesitates, and after a beat he grabs Ramon’s hand for a handshake. Ramon shakes it normally, nothing aggressive, and Michael crumbles to his knees. RAMON You alright buddy? MICHAEL (cringing) More… selling… RAMON (laughing) Man, this dude wants to dress like Eli Black but he can’t even fight his way through a handshake… GOLDEN Yeah, you… you and that other reserve wrestler dude… where is he? (points at Andy) Oh, yeah, that dude… The camera shows a frightened Andy. GOLDEN Y’all… man ya’ll always getting in over your heads, huh? RAMON I can see it now. You’re constantly thinking you’ve got everything under control, until you get into the moment… and then BOOM. Lights on. Moment is big. It gets scary. Maybe that’s like… I don’t know… making a big sale or Something in this office. Or making a tough decision. He looks out over the room. RAMON Are either of these guys any good at making decisions? 20 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 Everyone in the room shakes their heads. OSCAR No, one time, Michael couldn’t even decide if he wanted a new chair for himself or a new printer for the office. Andy… ANDY (shocked) Oscar, I don’t think we need to…. GOLDEN That’s something I had to learn. I had to learn how to be ready for a really big moment. To make split-second decisions. (looks back to Michael) And it’s funny you’re dressed like Eli Black with your du-rag and sunglasses and big black jacket. (takes a beat) Eli Black ain’t going to be ready for it, either. The kid’s got talent and potential, but he ain’t going to be ready. RAMON (smirking) He thinks he’ll be ready. Just like you probably thought you were ready for today. Ready for the match. Ready for our handshake. (thinks for a second) But well, life hits fast… He takes a half step back knocks Michael out with a Remix Superkick. Most of the room is shocked or appalled, except for Toby, who sits smiling. END ACT FOUR 21 THE OFFICE “The Wrestling Match” 1st Revised Green Shooting Draft 10/07/20 WARM EXIT 23 RAMON AND GOLDEN TALKING HEADS GOLDEN I have got to fire my publicist… RAMON I can’t believe we came all the way to Scranton for this… GOLDEN So yeah, make sure you check out the FWA Anniversary show this weekend. Wait, is this even going to air in time? Is this going to air at all? No response from off camera. RAMON Uh, I guess I should, like, do the thing? Just in case? GOLDEN The thing? RAMON Yeah, you know… the punchline. The thing I do at the end of these things? GOLDEN Oh, yeah, might as well… RAMON (confidently) Black is yellow, and the Truth is nothing but a lie. Tune in this weekend to see your boys, Golden Showers, climb one step closer to the FWA Tag Team Championships! GOLDEN That was a good one… RAMON You like that? GOLDEN I mean yeah, aside from the Showers bit. We’ve got to come up with a better team name… END OF SHOW
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