Alternatives to “I am so sorry for your loss” All the training in the world, cannot always help you with what to say and what NOT to say when someone suffers a loss. Occasionally “I’m so sorry for your loss” is not the right thing to say. You can definitely tell by the look on the person’s face whether it was a good thing to say or not. Sometimes, without warning, someone gets offended by that common phrase. They may follow up with “Why? It wasn’t your fault”, leaving the well-intentioned commenter feeling uncomfortable. “I’m sorry for your loss” is appropriate in most situations. However, if you don’t feel like that phrase is going to accurately represent what you want to convey, here are some suggestions. 1. “I thought of you so much during that time, and I carried you with me.” - By saying I carried you with me , it conveys to the griever that they are not bearing the burden of grief alone. Sometimes, all we need to hear when we’re mourning is that through the chaos of grief, someone is walking beside us through the storm. 2. Show Up with Something – Sometimes what you do is more memorable than what you say. Bringing a meal can be so powerful. There’s a reason so many people send casseroles and baked goods to families in mourning: A meal can so often feel like a hug. 3. Don’t Be Afraid to Acknowledge the Deceased - Some people fear that sharing a memory of the deceased could bring on more pain. But so often, reminding someone of their loved one can be a great antidote to the emptiness of loss. The opportunity to hear a treasured memory — to see a person you’ve lost through someone else’s eyes — is illuminating. According to https://katiecouric.com/culture/words-of-condolence-what-to-say-to-someone-who-has-lost-a-loved-one/ ... we’re rarely taught to speak about loss with those who are grieving, let alone do it well. Either we don’t know what to say, unintentionally say the wrong thing, ask too many questions ... or don’t say anything at all. Keep in mind that it is not a good idea to ask a lot of questions about the death. While there is a certain curious nature to human beings, things like “What happened?” “How did he die?” “Was she sick?” “How’s your dad doing?” can seem insensitive, invasive, and inappropriate to someone who is grieving. Some other things to avoid saying are: • “I know just how you feel” • “You’re young, you’ll find someone else” • “It’s probably for the best” • “Be thankful you have another baby” • “Everything happens for a reason” • “Time heals everything” • “If there is anything I can do to help, just call me” • “The Lord never gives us more than we can handle” And when words altogether feel like they will only get in the way, remember that human touch can be comforting. Sometimes just holding someone’s hand, placing your hand on their shoulder, or offering a hug can say so much more than mere words. So, while “I’m sorry for your loss” is still considered one of the most appropriate things to say to someone grieving (from American culture), perhaps you should carefully consider if other words or actions might work better when communicating with the bereaved. If you found this article helpful, or know someone who might benefit from If you or someone you know has experienced a loss and is having a hard time, please don't hesitate to reach out. The Meierhoffer staff wants to make sure you’re ok. Grief Support groups meet year round and we are only a phone call away. Jane 816-271-0339 If you found the information in this article helpful, please pass it on.