Tired of the same old you? Tired of being out of shape and out of luck with the opposite sex? Tired of being overweight? Tired of being unattractive, old and bald? Yeah. Oh, hello. I'm White Goodman, owner, operator and founder of Globo Gym America Corp. I'm here to tell ya that you don't have to be stuck with what you've got. Hey, Rory. Looking good. At Globo Gym we that understand "ugliness" and "fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia, and it's only your fault if you don't hate yourself enough to do something about it. That's where we come in. Globo Gym employs a highly trained, quasicultural staff of personal alteration specialists. With our competitively priced onsite cosmetic surgery, we can turn that Frankenstein you see in the mirror every morning into a Frankenfine. Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense, but think of it as a thinner, more attractive, better you than you could ever become without us. How do I know? Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym, I'm also a client. That's me, six years and 600lbs ago, before I knew how much I hated myself. That all changed once I founded Globo Gym. But don'tjust take my word for it. Listen to these Globo gymers tell you how it is... That feels good. Oh, the tickle machine. Crash, no. Crash, out. Bad dog. No grundle. Come on down and join the winning team, because here at Globo Gym, we're better than you. And we know it. Spare me. Mr La Fleur, this is Doris from the Department of Water and Power. We've been trying to reach you, but your phone was disconnected. We'll be shutting off your water and power at 5pm today due to an eightmonth overdue account. Thank you and have a nice day. This is Seth from Videorama. The following DVDs are now overdue. Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5 and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you. Come on, baby, be there. Be there. It's gonna be a good day. I'm proud of you. We're just around the corner. My gym's here. I promise we're almost there. You guys are lifesavers. I appreciate the effort. Don't pull a hammy over it. Gimme that garbage. Shouldn't you be on a treadmill? Hey, Peter. How's my little tax shelter this morning? Everything's shipshape. Don't hold out on me. What's happening? It's just I'm trying this new voicemaildating thing. And, like, no one's even left me a message, and it's been almost two months. There's someone out there for everybody. You think? Absolutely. In some cases, there's two somebodies for one person. I like to call that "the jackpot". See you later, dater. Hey, Peter. Hey, Gordon. I'm wailing on my glutes. Sounds great. I'm gonna shock the biceps later, then some cardio. Keep the body guessing. I like to keep my body guessing. Sure. I wanted to ask you something. Did you catch the game last night? Can I say yes? Amateur curling championships on ESPN8. I had no idea. You missed a doozy. Really great stuff. I feel dumb for asking, but how did you hear about it? OSQ. Obscure Sports Quarterly. Of course, the OSQ. Started reading it in college, for the chicks. I'm glad that worked out for you. Thanks, Peter. Bye. Love the orange and love the headphones. When I come back, I want you on a different machine. You need a spot? I'm cool, Pete. OK, come on. Let's get this out of here. You OK? You're like a human Chinese puzzle. Thanks, Pete. All that weight is dangerous. It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser. Hang on a second. You wanna become a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser? Yeah. Why? Nothing. High school's changed a bit since I was a kid. Plus, all anyone ever remembers is what happened at last year's tryouts. I'm the laughing stock of the school. I'm sure it's not that big of a deal. What happened at last year's tryouts? Justin Redmond. Ready and superpsyched. Hey, Amber. Hi, Justin. Good luck. Good luck to you, making yourjudgments. And from the girls' line, we need girl number Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK? I'm not wearing any panties. Ready? One, two. Liberty, ready? Dude. Can he breathe? Wow. Yeah. It was the worst. Don't worry about this Amber situation. It'll all work itself out in the end. Thanks, Pete. You'll laugh at this one day. I'm laughing. Go at your own pace. That's what it's there for. Who goes there? It's me. It's Peter. 'Tis about the matter of payment for me membership. Steve be a touch short this month. That's all right. Just pay me when you get the money. The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt. I'll make a barter with you. In exchange for your kindness, I'll be splitting me buried treasure with you. Once I find it, that be. I'm flattered by the gesture, but a couple of bucks here and there will be fine. Thanks, Peter. I'll be on the StairMaster. OK, Steve. Next time, maybe just say "hello". Gar. Hello. It's not my birthday till next month, but terrific. I'm so sorry. Hi. I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone. Your bank? Right. My bank. You are very attractive for a banker. Thank you. I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer. Really? What kind of law are you involved in, pretty eyes? Sexual harassment, mostly. But I also handle real estate and tax law, which is why I'm here. This place is in default? No. You're in foreclosure. You were in default when we sent you delinquency notices. I thought those were just warnings. They were warnings. No one warned me. What happens now? I make my payments out to somebody else? You have 30 days to pay the balance of your mortgage, or you lose your gym. Perfect. What's the damage? What do I owe you? $50,000. Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have to wait till the end of the month to cash her? I do have to switch some funds. The charity I like to work with is gonna take a hit. Mr La Fleur, I can assure you this is a very serious situation. Yeah. This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch. It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financial statements and assess any tax liabilities. Absolutely. I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr", but if there was a "Ms Mr", I'm a Ms as well. You do keep financial records? Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income. You kidding? I got a closet full of 'em. I call 'em keepers. Problem is I've never really filed them. No kidding. Just out of curiosity, who would want to buy this place anyway? Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it. Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up. One more, b*tch. One more, b*tch. Yeah. Yeah. Now you're my b*tch. Yeah. Yeah, baby. Involuntary spasm. Look at the show. Enjoy the show. This a bad time? I could come back. Looks like some real dude sweat going on. Add three pounds to the scales in the women's locker room before you go home. Refreshment? I've got protein paste, carb laxative... Suffocated kumquat, perhaps? I'm trying to cut down on those. They're good. They are good. Know what you mean. Walk with me. Hey, Brianna. Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600. Nice job, Susie. You call that a situp? Don't slack, Trevor. I'm watching you. Here at Globo Gym, ordinary people disgust us. So don’t be ordinary. There's a good energy in the gym. Let me guess why you're here, Pete. Because I bought out the second mortgage on your gym. You've got 30 days to make $50,000, or your gym becomes my gym. I know we've had our differences... Is that what you call sleeping with three of my female trainers? It was one night. Or the stripogram you sent me for the Globo Gym oneyear anniversary? It was meant to be congratulatory. It was also a man. Let's not get hung up on details. We're both professionals. Really? Last I heard, my gym makes money. Yours doesn't. My gym's worth over $4 million. Your gym isn't worth four. I have shareholders. You haven't even got cupholders. Why would I want cupholders? The point is Globo Gym is a beacon of human physical perfection. A benchmark in the fitness community. Your "gym" is a skid mark on the underpants of society. See, Peter, I wasn't born expecting the world to do me any favours. I earned this body and I built this temple out of nothing more than a little cando attitude and elbow grease. And a large inheritance from my father, Earl Goodman, an esteemed member of the wealthy elite. So if I choose to level Average Joe's to build a parking structure for my members, so be it. There's nothing you can do about it. In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that sh*theap you call a gym into permanent nothingness. I can only hope that you, and the mongrel race that comprise your membership, are inside it when I do. Show Mr La Fleur out. Turn it up high, Reggie. I wanna burn. So that's the deal. Globo gym is buying us out. We got 30 days to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history. I got ten minutes. I'll open it up to some Q&A. No need to raise your hands, it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off. Yes, Peter, and I'm just spitballing here but why don't we pay it off in Canadian dollars and save some money? Just so you know, if that's a route you want to follow, it's 50,000 American. It would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars. How are we gonna come up with $120,000? Owen, you don't add them together. Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this, but it's more like $73,313... It doesn't matter. We can't come up with $50,000. We're screwed. Gar. It's an insurmountable amount of money. No, it's not insurmountable. Come on. We can'tjust sit back and let Globo Gym take us over. Average Joe's is too important. Where do you go when your wife changes the locks? Average Joe's. Right. Dwight, Owen, what will you do if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport? I ain't working at no airport again. No. Cos you hated it. And, Steve, where do you go to do whatever it is that you do? Gar. Joe's be the only place for Steve. Gar. You're right. Do you see? There's no way I can go back to working out at my high school. They'd laugh at me there. Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay. But not here, not at Joe's. I need this place. You guys need this place. Come on. I got it. I know how we can raise the money. How? Car wash. What are the chances? Same day, right across the street? The girls beat us fair and square. I am gonna be a gentleman about it and congratulate every one of them, personally. Guys. Not to be a naysayer or anything, but the only customer we've had is that weird guy who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck. That's it, boy. Get in there nice and deep, like. That's not good. Gar. This sucks. Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout. Well take it down. At Globo Gym, we're better than you and we know it. Sign up now. Do you smell that fitness? I do. Rock it and shock it, baby. You gotta burn it to earn it. What's in the envelope? Free 30day memberships to Globo Gym. Cool. It's ajoke. He sent it to us as an insult. Maybe we could sell 'em for cash cos the car wash cost us money. We're further away from saving this place? Yes. We'll never raise enough money. This blows. Guys, I know this is tough to take, but if an impromptu car wash doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need, I guess itjust isn't in the cards. Trust me here. If there was any way in the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days, short of robbing a bank, I'd do it. We could sell blood and semen. What? Not mixed together. Guys, I love the enthusiasm, I love the energy here, but we're looking at this the wrong way. Let's celebrate the good times that was Joe's. We gotta start looking at this Irishwake style. Let me be the first to say goodbye to Average Joe's. We gave it a hell of a run, guys. Now let's try to have some fun. I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song", and we'll tear this place apart. Wait, wait. Peter. Peter. We could play dodgeball. That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help. There's a tournament in Las Vegas. I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before. I read about the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly. Of course. That's a totally common thing. The best part is it's open to any team that wins a regional qualifying match. How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000? They have a cash prize for the winner. How much? $50,000. Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000 for playing dodgeball. Why not? None of us know how to play dodgeball. I do. We played it in PE last year. They showed us this film about it. Can you get your hands on that film? Sure, I guess. I know the perfect name for our team: the Average Joes. You just removed the word gym from the name. Can we please try to be serious here for one second? You said anything we could do to raise the money. This is that anything. This is it. Come on, show of hands. Who wants to play dodgeball? Come on. Come on, Pete. This is the only place where guys like us aren’t treated like s**t. You guys had me at blood and semen. Come here. You want it, don't you, fat boy? You want that doughnut. Go ahead and have a bite. Just a little bite. One little bite won't hurt you. Momma. Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you. Give me 30 seconds and send her in. Yes, sir. Thank you. Hello, Katherine. Good to see you. I didn't know you were dropping by. You asked me to come over. Did I?