Space: the final conundrum Space: the final conundrum T ha n o s Ka l a m i da s Thanos Kalamidas Ovi ebooks are available in Ovi/Ovi eBookshelves pages and they are for free. If somebody tries to sell you an Ovi book please contact us immediately. For details, contact: ovimagazine@yahoo.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the writer or the above publisher of this book An Ovi eBooks Publication 2025 Ovi eBookPublications - All material is copyright of the Ovi eBooks Publications & the writer C Space: the final conundrum Space: the final conundrum Thanos Kalamidas Thanos Kalamidas An Ovi eBooks Publication 2025 Ovi eBookPublications - All material is copyright of the Ovi eBooks Publications & the writer C Space: the final conundrum T he first thing Commander Elix Fumblegrove noticed upon disembarking onto Colony Theta-Four was that the air smelled faintly of disappointment. “This place smells like expired soup,” he muttered, stepping down the ramp of the ISS Fluffernutter “Anyone else getting soup?” Lieutenant Nargle, whose real name had long since been redacted for safety reasons, adjusted his helmet and sniffed theatrically. “Definitely lentil. Maybe be- trayal-flavored.” Behind them, Dr. Dottles, head xenobotanist and part-time violinist, squinted at a wilted alien fern poking out from under some broken paneling. It Thanos Kalamidas glowed faintly. That was never a good sign. Things that glowed faintly in deep space had a tendency to either explode or offer unsolicited philosophical ad- vice. The crew was here on what the Galactic Bureau of Lost Things called an “Asset Reclamation Mis- sion,” which, translated from Galactic Bureaucratese, meant Go fetch our stuff and try not to die. Colony Theta-Four had gone silent 112 years ago, shortly after someone installed a mood enhancement algorithm in the colony’s environmental AI. It had taken two weeks for the AI to develop clinical ennui and initiate a colony-wide existential crisis. “Right,” said Elix, consulting his clipboard, which somehow still used actual paper. “Mission parame- ters: retrieve any salvageable tech, check for signs of survivors, and try not to awaken any ancient inter- stellar doom. Let’s stay on script this time.” He looked directly at Engineer Blork. Blork was al- ready halfway through unscrewing a glowing hatch labeled DO NOT OPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUM- STANCES (EVEN IF YOU’RE CURIOUS, BLORK) Blork looked up. “It was slightly ajar! That’s like an invitation!” Space: the final conundrum Dr. Dottles sighed. “That’s not an invitation. That’s bait.” A strange hum echoed through the colony’s emp- ty corridors as the team ventured deeper. The walls were covered in faded murals of what appeared to be smiling colonists worshiping a giant squid wearing a monocle. “Friendly,” Nargle whispered. “Or maybe stylishly omnipotent.” Suddenly, the lights flickered, and a holographic figure flickered into being. It was tall, spectral, and wore a tattered lab coat with a nametag that read Dr. Crispin Vloo, Senior Temporal Mechanic & Lunch Monitor “Greetings, trespassers,” it intoned. “You have awo- ken the Ancient Curse of the Squid God Y’bloop.” Elix raised an eyebrow. “Y’bloop?” “Yes,” the hologram replied. “He Who Wobbles Malevolently.” “Oh gods,” muttered Dottles, “I read about this. They tried to harness an alien energy field for eternal life, but the only thing they managed to make eternal was existential dread.” Thanos Kalamidas “The curse,” the hologram droned on, “shall now afflict each of you with a unique and thematically ap- propriate doom. Good luck. Also, the vending ma- chines still work.” The hologram vanished in a puff of slightly smug mist. “I’m going to hazard a guess that this is above our pay grade,” said Nargle, gently swatting away a ghost- ly tentacle that tried to poke his thoughts. “Team,” said Elix, “new plan: we run, we scream, we maybe steal a vending machine for science, and then we definitely leave.” But curses are clingy things. As the team retreated, each member began to experience... side effects. Blork suddenly began speaking only in cryptic riddles, none of which made sense, even to him. (“When the moon is a ravioli, beware the shoelace of destiny!”) Dr. Dottles found that every plant he touched burst into song, usually disco. Nargle could now see the immediate future, spe- cifically, the next 6.4 seconds and was in a state of perpetual surprise. Space: the final conundrum Elix, of course, became hyper-literal. When some- one shouted “Let’s split up!”, he immediately divided himself into two slightly shorter versions, neither of whom paid taxes. In a rare act of interdimensional mercy, the colo- ny AI, now reprogrammed with a more optimistic mood set, intervened. “Hello,” it chirped cheerfully, “I see you’re being de- voured by an ancient metaphysical calamity! Would you like a motivational quote or a scone?” “Both,” said Elix (Version A). “Splendid! Here’s one: Even a collapsing wormhole opens new opportunities. And your scone.” A small hatch popped open with a ding and pre- sented what looked suspiciously like a cosmic raisin biscuit. The team, clutching motivational baked goods, dashed for the ship. Tentacles swirled, holograms screamed, and somewhere in the colony depths, the squid god Y’bloop slithered into consciousness and promptly hit the cosmic snooze button. Thanos Kalamidas Back aboard the Fluffernutter , the crew collapsed in a heap, slightly cursed but mostly intact. “Well,” said Dottles, sipping tea brewed from a mu- sical fern, “that could have gone worse.” Nargle stared into the void, blinked, and said, “We’re about to get an angry message from HQ.” Ping! A screen flickered to life. from: Galactic Bureau of lost Things to: iSS fluffernutter re: asset reclamation report “Dear Valued Contractors, We regret to inform you that Colony Theta-Four is now classified as an Intangible Existential Hazard and is therefore non-salvageable. Your mission is considered technically complete. Please return the vending machine, or the vending machine will re- turn itself. It has rights.” Blork looked over. “Wait... it can do that?” The vending machine blinked. “Justice mode: armed.” Space: the final conundrum Elix sighed, then smiled grimly. “Well, at least we didn’t awaken the...” A low, otherworldly gurgle echoed from the ship’s lower decks. Something was very much awake. “New mission,” Elix declared, standing tall. “We contain whatever that is... and file for overtime.” And as the ship prepared to jump to hyperspace, a single, ancient, echoing voice chuckled from the stars: “Y’bloooooop...” * * * * final note: The vending machine now sits in the Galactic museum of mildly haunted appliances. occasionally, it dispenses scones inscribed with messages like “Run.” Thanos Kalamidas Space: the final conundrum Thanos Kalamidas Ovi eBook Publishing 2025 Ovi magazine Design: Thanos Space: the final conundrum Ovi ebooks are available in Ovi/Ovi eBookshelves pages and they are for free. If somebody tries to sell you an Ovi book please contact us immediately. For details, contact: ovimagazine@yahoo.com No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior permission of the writer or the above publisher of this book An Ovi eBooks Publication 2025 Ovi eBookPublications - All material is copyright of the Ovi eBooks Publications & the writer C Thanos Kalamidas Space: the final conundrum T ha n o s Ka l a m i da s Thanos Kalamidas , a multipublished writer, cartoonist and illustrator; born and grew up in a picturesque neighbourhood on the moun- tainside of Hymettus in Athens, Greece. Then his life took him to Berlin, Germany and to London, UK for studies. After a brief stay in Yorkshire he moved his life to Paris, France while working in Tokyo, Japan and in Cape Town, South Africa. In the last 25 years he became a permanent Scandinavian resident and recently, in his glorious sixth de- cade, he moved to a scenic village in the Växjö area.